Week 5 Photo Finishes: 60 Stretch Far Le-HUUUUUH!!!!!

Not tonight, you no-name fluke...

Well, 13/14ths of Week 5 are now in the books. As I stated before, I didn't see any of it, so for me, this is the whole shebang. Really, this is the perfect storm for me. I get to do three of my favorite things tonight.
1. Watch football from the couch.
2. Cheer against the Cowboys.
3. Cheer against those particular Cowboys whom I'm playing against in fantasy.

Sounds like a fantastic night for me. Let's see who else will be glued to tonight's telecast.

Game 1: Aaron (Nick Folk and a 19.9 point lead) vs. Craig (Terrell Owens and the Cowboys D)
Analysis - I tried verifying this using ESPN.com's NFL stat splits, found them too cumbersome, and decided to post what we're all thinking: Terrell Owens is the kind of guy who seems like he enjoys playing well in games where everybody's watching him. This is a Monday Night audience, this is a game that will likely be over at halftime, this is a game where people will start tuning out if things get ugly. Having said that, Owens will be begging/pleading/performing unspeakable acts to Tony Romo to get him the ball early and often so they can watch him strut his stuff before they all flip over to watch Heroes. My guesstimate: Romo and Owens hook up for touchdowns on the first two series for the Cowboys, the Cowboys D picks off rookie Trent Edwards and runs it in for a score late, and Nick Folk is called on mostly to add extra points. Having said all that, I'll say Craigger wins by a few points.

Game 2: Jon (12.5 point lead) vs. Jordan (Marion Barber and Patrick Crayton)
Analysis - If the Romo & TO show clicks as well as I expect it to early on, that means the Cowboys do a good bit of running later in the game. That's probably where I lose this one. Taking a peek at his 2007 splits, Barber runs much better in the second half, and when he gets 10 or more carries. Bottom line, unless the Bills offense can keep things close, or the Cowboys feel more comfortable handing to JuJo, I'll end up losing this one, most likely sometime shortly after midnight when it's the most devestating. Patrick Crayton is a right place, right time kind of receiver in this offense, but as I said, I think most of Romo's balls end up in T.O.'s hands tonight. Heh heh.

Game 3: Richard (Tony Romo, Lee Evans, and a 7 point lead) vs. Matt (Jason Witten)
Analysis - Although still technically up for contention, it is statistically impossible for Matt to win this one unless Romo gets knocked out of the game early, and Brad Johnson takes over. I'll just assume that won't happen. Red Hot Richard wins his third in a row.

Game 4: Dave (Julius Jones and a 18.4 point lead) vs. Mike (Marshawn Lynch)
Analysis - Lynch will outscore Jones, but not by 18.4 points. The Bills will have to abandon the ground game if this game gets out of hand. Dave hangs on and wins his first game of the season. Celebrating this monumental acheivement, he buys a round of body shots for all the fellas down at the Purple Parrot and winds up losing his "other" V card. You know, the brown one.

Monday Site News: Sleepy Kitten Edition

Cute!! Super Cute!!!!!!!!!!!!

Site News:

Today is Monday morning. You're used to seeing hard-hitting-double-teaming-bloggery from Mike and I. Like that first sip of coffee during the work week, you crave it. You need it. You're not sure you can start the day without it.

But you're not getting it this week.

I had to work from 12-8 yesterday, which is unequivocably my favorite 8 hour window in the entire week. Normally I'd be glued to both the TV and the Fantasycast, checking up on all the fantasy comings and goings, preparing myself to bang out one hell of a "Bajingos and Sasquatches" column. Instead, I was sneaking away to my Prius every thirty minutes to try to catch game updates on AM radio, while ducking stray gunfire in West Philadelphia. Needless to say, these two experiences are not all that similar. I caught maybe 10 minutes of the Bears-Packers game when I got home, but all in all, I missed the entirety of Sunday's action.
All hope is not lost, however, as I'll have a Photo Finishes column up today, previewing the Dallas-Buffalo game (read: blowout) tonight.

Also, there's no MMSY today. If you all ask nicely, there may be one next week.

But hey, at least you get to look at an adorable kitten.

Phitin Phillies Phlayoff Phever: NLDS Game 3

Is Saturday the day J-Roll and the rest of the Phils take the knockout blow?

Editor's Note: This is Part 3 of what very well may be a 3 Part Series. If that's the case, I'd like to personally thank Richard for making this blog a place where baseball neophytes like me can get some insight on the games before they happen. Nice work.

I don’t even know what to say. Hindsight is 20/20, but you have to wonder if Kendrick would have gotten that last out. 66 pitches? Give me a break! But… if Lohse does his job, there would be no discussion. Now we’re hanging on by our fingertips AND going to Colorado.

I hear Denver is a nice place. I’ve never been there, but I have heard tales of adventure and wonderment from those who have had the opportunity to peruse the Mile-High City’s streets. I thought it might be helpful to compile a list of things to do for our spiraling Phillies, because they most likely won’t show up to play baseball.

1. The Loft – Who knows if the strapping bucks Brett Myers and Chase Utley can survive a night away from their hometown hotties. One of Denver’s first nightclubs, the Loft will provide these boys a chance to shine off the field. They might not be able to win a baseball game, but surely they’ll be able to chauffeur a groupie or two back to the hotel before the night is over.
2. Elitch Gardens – A popular amusement park located 5 minutes from downtown, Elitch Gardens would be the perfect place for Coach Charlie to take his rookies. Sometimes, you just gotta let your kids play (pitch!) Manuel, at least give them a chance! Its not like many of your older boys played in any postseason games... Ruiz, Kendrick, and Bourn will definitely love the 40+ rides – don’t miss the Looney Tunes playland!
3. After the amusement park, why not stop by the Denver Firefighters Museum at Tremont Place. Its located in the historic Denver Fire Station No. 1, and admit it, you could use the training. The Rockies are on fire and the Phils are smoldering!
4. Finally, stop by Church’s Chicken on Colorado Blvd for some of Denver’s best Fried Chicken and Honey Butter Biscuits… cause hey, its seems like Alfonseca and Gordon would enjoy a place like this. That’s what someone told me at least.

SATURDAY, 9:30 PM, COORS FIELD:
Matchup: Jamie Moyer (LHP, 44 years old) vs. Ubaldo Jiminez (RHP, 4.28 ERA)

Analysis: Well, down 2 games to nil, playing on the road, and still searching for a solution to the Rockies’ bats (see Firefighter’s Museum above), the outlook is grim for the Phillies. Moyer had a strong outing versus Washington to close the season, but it was Washington. Jimenez has been hit or miss (kinda sounds funny when you say it), but it shouldn’t take much to hold the Phils to a single-digit score, which should be sufficient to earn his team the win. I hate to pick against my team, but we have absolutely NOTHING in our favor here. Its win or go home time. Thanks for the exciting finish Phils, but we’re going back to football – at least the Birds and Nittany Lions have a flicker of hope left…

Final Score: Rockies 9, Phillies 4 -- PROVE ME WRONG!!

A-Rep's Week 5 Crystal Ball

Aaron looks into the future with the help of Saruman The White.

Editor's Note: It appears that the Games of The Week feature is back! Aaron will be tackling this weekend's top matchups to see who's got a leg up. Enjoy.

GAMES TO WATCH!!!!

Runner up…Hawaii McLovin at MichaelPJackson
Why this game do you ask? Well, I looked at this and thought…OH…INTENSE BROTHER RIVALRY…
And then I thought some more about how their pregame conversations might sound…
“oh brother! Let me tell you again how funny your team name is!!!”
“oh brother! You’re too kind! ‘tis your team name that is funniest of all the names in the land!!”
“you’re the best! I can’t stand the thought of beating you this week! :-(”
“GUESS WHAT!!!! I was thinking the same thing! OMG! We think so much alike!!!! I can’t stand the thought of beating you!!!””
“Giggle! Let’s bench our entire teams so that we tie!!”
“you are as smart as you are cute brother. I agree! TIE WE WILL!”

This brings me to my pick for GAME of the WEEK…
Kinda of obvious but…KIM JONG AT GRYLLS
This game is a pivotal game for control of division supremacy and the all important race to clinch a coveted playoff spot. Let’s delve slightly…
Let’s face it…there is a nasty dog fight goin’ on in the evil kingdom of the decepticons. Hefty needs this win to stay atop of the pack. Especially for reign of the A.P.T.S.!!! And it’s pretty much a given that I am gonna beat craig this week. Jordan needs this win. If me and hefty come out this week with W’s…the APTS gain immunity from being kicked off the island and also get a free pass to tell more inside jokes through the blog.

Important Side note:
Pay close attention to the Junk Jabber at Fritzs game. Besides the fact that Larry Craig’s under the stall foot rubbing might get him lucky against the jabber boyz, the fritzs also have a tough 1-3 record due to some tough matchups. I think we all have the feeling that the Quad D’s and the Holiday teddy bears don’t have a shot at the playoffs…but if the fritz’s fall to 1-4, it’ll be an awfully tough climb back into the playoff race.

Week 4 Power Rankings: The Drunkest Rankings Yet!

Chicago Bear Grylls finds itself back at the top of the fantasy mountain.

Disclaimer: Today may not be the most coherent bloggery you've read on this site. The Phuckers lost 10-5, my garbage disposal broke, leaving me with a half-filled sink of pulled-pork-scented-water, the Icy Hot I rubbed onto my knee tonight seems to have hitched a ride on my Pringles and on to my esophagus, and the 30 Rock Premiere left me wanting oh so much more. So excuse me if I poured myself a tall glass of Trinidad's (and Tobago's) finest rum, 10Cane and decided to sit down and tell it like it is. Enough with the foreplay, let's figure out who's for real, and who's barely breathing in this league. Since sentence syntax probably isn't my strong suit right now, we'll do a Good/Bad breakdown for each team.

1. Bear Grylls (3-1, Previous #3)
The Good: Soundly defeated the #1 team in last week's rankings. Tomlinson looks like he's woken up from his 3 week coma. Braylon Edwards has somehow emerged as the 7th highest scoring WR in the league. No more Rex Grossman. Bears D has somehow blocked 5 kicks this season already.
The Bad: Carson Palmer and All Day Peterson are on bye this week. Made trade that seems to have backfired. David Carr is throwing to Steve Smith. Adrian Peterson's coach hates using talented running backs in situations where they might actually run the ball.

2. McLovin (3-1, Previous #1)
The Good: Paul's 3-1 despite any monstrous production out of LJ. The draft both Cincy receivers strategy has been one of the year's most succesful, as Chad and Housh take turns playing "Who's More Ridiculously Awesome" (no, seriously, they're number 2 and 3 in the league right now).
The Bad: What is this, a fantasy team or an ER triage? 7 of Slimdawg's players have an injury notation next to their name, including Clinton Portis, Andre Johnson, LaMont Jordan, and Caddy-Lac Williams, who's on the IR. Um, you can drop him any time. Just pause Halo 3. It won't miss you too much.

3. Kim Jong Il (3-1, Previous #5)
The Good: Marion Barber is the same player he was last year, despite the fact that everybody thought he'd flame out. Kellen Winslow, despite giggles from the peanut gallery on draft day, is the fourth highest scoring tight end this season. He just traded belly button lint for Peyton Manning.
The Bad: Calvin Johnson, who showed enormous potential to be rookie of the year in weeks 1 and 2, is on the shelf with a back injury. Brandon Marshall and Patrick Crayton are overacheiving. I refuse to believe that they're the 18th and 20th best receivers in the league. Those numbers will correct themselves.

4. Cripplers (3-1, Previous #2)
The Good: Randy Moss
The Bad: Joey Harrington

5. Larry Craig (1-3, Previous #6)
The Good: Ronnie Brown, who has somehow bribed ESPN.com into claiming that he's the top scoring running back in fantasy football so far this season. (I, frankly, don't care to live in such a world. WHERE WERE YOU LAST YEAR, SPERMBREATH?!) Jason Witten, who's the closest thing to Antonio Gates you could ask for this season. Eli Manning, who's been surprisingly unterrible this season. Dwayne Bowe, who came out of freaking nowhere.
The Bad: Rudi Johnson, who's been a bust. Donovan McNabb, who, unless playing the Lions, is worthless. 3 Losses, which, despite you scoring the most overall points this season, makes it hard to take you too seriously.

6. Dizeez Nutzzzzzzzzzz (3-1, Previous #7)
The Good: Steelers D? Nick Folk? I guess these are valuable fantasy assets. How exactly are you 3-1?
The Bad: Frank Gore, who's now lining up behind Trent Dilfer. I smell 10 men in the box, and it has nothing to do with DK for once. Maurice Jones-Drew, 52nd best fantasy back this season. Donte' Stallworth, blackballed by Brady.

7. T-Bags (2-2, Previous #9)
The Good: A very sexy 1-2 punch of Edge James and Joe Addai. A non-turnover-prone Brett Favre. Dallas "Not Triple Covered By Dolphins" Clark.
The Bad: Come on...Brett Favre? How long do you expect that charade to last? Let's put it this way...I had a gigantic hissy fit when ESPN.com autodrafted Favre onto my team. He's a ticking time bomb. Move him now or face the consequences. D-Jism, who's now paired up with T-Dildo.

8. Bisbee (2-2, Previous #8)
The Good: Jerry Porter and Marshawn Lynch. Hey, those names sound familiar. Jon Kitna, who plays for The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost, and Mike Martz. Somebody finally bit on #7 ranked QB Derek Anderson. I smell a trade chip!!!
The Bad: Whiny bitches at WR. Boldin, with his tweaked hip. Moss, with his strained groin. Bernard Berrian has a Grade 3 case of the Brian Grieses. Simply put, you're starting Roydell Williams and Bryant Johnson at WR this week. Yeeeeeuck.

9. Areolas (2-2, Previous #4)
The Good: Terrell Owens. Brian Westbrook, who despite missing last week's game, is still ranked third amongst running backs. Give him a bye week to heal up and he'll be as good as new. Jeff Reed, fantasy's top kicker. A win over Bear Grylls, this Blogger's #1 team in the nation.
The Bad: Vince Young is marginal at best. The running backs, Fred Taylor and Ahman Green would be a lot better if this were 2003. Marvin Harrison's knee.

10. J-Jabbers (2-2, Previous #10)
The Good: Tony Romo, who's outpeytoning Peyton, and outbradying Brady. Lee Evans, who may be clicking with rookie signal caller Trent Edwards.
The Bad: Reggie Bush, now alone as big man on campus in the Saints backfield, will go a long way towards determining young Richard's fate. Laurence Maroney, who's scored as many touchdowns as I have this season. Lee Evans, who was drafted a lot higher than the 74th receiver, which is how he's played so far. (Yes, I know he's good and bad, that was kind of the point).

11. Dong Danglers (0-4, Previous #11)
The Good: Plaxico Burress
The Bad: Nearly everybody else. S-Jax's groin. Brees's underpeforming arm. The Jones Brothers' disapearring act.

12. Hollidaysburg (0-4, Previous #12)
The Good: You've got Dave to keep you company in the basement.
The Bad: His first round pick tore his groin. What's your excuse?

Your Quarterly Kal Penn Update

Greatest Indian actor today or greatest overall actor of all time? We report. You decide.

Anybody who knows a thing or two about me knows that I have but one true cinematic love. While some lads will go ga-ga over the likes of Scarlett Johansson or Angelina Jolie, nothing gets my flotation device inflated faster than some good old fashioned Kal Penn.
So you can only imagine the roller coaster of emotions I went through last night watching my DVR'd episode of House, only to find Kumar as one of the potential new doctors on the show. You see, everybody's favorite woodshed masturbator got fired twice in the episode, but kept getting let back in. At one point in the show, he used defibrillators on a woman in a hyperbaric chamber, and set her on fire. Classic Taj!!!! Another scene showed Achmed suggesting that the patient do tequila shots to see if she had a liver disorder. Now that's using your noggin'! It even worked!
Anyway, I always secretly enjoyed watching House, but as long as he's on this season, I'll be glued to it.

Phitin Philies Phlayoff Phever: NLDS Game 2

(Insert DK joke here)

Well, though my prediction was off, I was right about one thing… Game 1 would be a low scoring pitchers duel. Hamels made a few mistakes in the second inning, but was lights out afterwards, retiring 13 consecutive batters. Francis stepped it up, and was helped by an atrocious Phillies lineup.

We should expect similar conditions with Thursday’s sunny forecast, and strikeouts, though not as abundant as in Game 1, should be more plentiful than expected from the young starters. Hopefully, DK talks some sense into her boy Chase before the game. He looked scared and confused, similar to Jordan’s reaction when he crashed the Shelby-Amber Nude Tickle Wrestling Match.

Melvin, please be in the front row Thursday because there is nothing that would make me happier than to replace the image of your patriotic midriff with one of your smiling face.

THURSDAY, 3PM, CITIZENS BANK PARK:
Matchup: Franklin Morales (LHP, 3.43 ERA) vs. Kyle Kendrick (RHP, 3.87 ERA)

Analysis: Good thing Cablevision brought us TBS in High Def hours before game 1. That way I could get a detailed view of Utley striking out FOUR times on THIRTEEN pitches. The line for the first four Philly hitters: 0-15, 9K. This lineup is too good for embarrassing stats like that to continue. They’re not the Pirates for goodness sake! With both teams starting rookie pitchers, it will really come down to which one has more poise under the postseason pressure. Kendrick definitely has the advantage with the game on his home turf.

I have an uneasy feeling about Game 2, but that is only because I watched Game 1 and saw how disgusting our “most runs in the league” lineup looked. Bwwaahhhh!!!! The Phils need to escape PA with a win if they want to have any kind of chance of advancing. Howard went 1 game without a HR… unacceptable! He goes yard Thursday in a close one.

Final Score: Phils 7, Rocks 6.