Photo Finish!

There's only one game in the Championship Bracket that hasn't been decided!!

Rich (+15) vs. Craig (Steve Smith, DeAngelo Williams) - In any normal week, I'd say this is a slam dunk for Colon Blow. Combined, Smith and Williams are averaging 29 points/week. However, this game is against their nemesis and defensive stalwart, Tampa Bay. In the teams' earlier meeting, Smith and Williams combined for only 18 points. Smith is the same as he was then, but Williams has seen his role increase, especially around the goal line. All I can say is the Colts D was the waiver-wire pick up of the week and maybe the year!
Prediction:
Smith and Williams combine for 20 and Colon Blow advances.

Sunday Questions

Will the University of Florida earn enough votes in the human polls to prevent a BCS implosion in the title game?

Why do the Eagles give up blocked field goals for touchdowns at the end of the half?

How does Marvin Lewis still have a job?

How does Rod Marinelli still have a job?

Will a "stimulus" package for the big 3 automakers really do anything for the economy?

Will Penn State be able to give the college football pundits a big F-U by beating USC?

How long will I have to wait to get a copy of The Dark Knight on DVD?

Will Peyton Manning ever be in a bad commercial?

How many shots of alcohol will it take for me to beat everyone in Big Buck Hunter in Philly next weekend?

Who thought Steve Slaton would rush for over 1,000 yards in his rookie season?

Will the Steelers be able to overcome Big Ben's spotty play to make a deep playoff run?

How many years do Rich Rodriguez and Charlie Weiss have left at their respective positions?

Does Cheddar really make everything better?

Is Washington vs. Baltimore really the best choice for the NBC flex game?

Playoff Prognostication Station - Who's Out? Who's In?

OUT

Reid - "You're going to start whether you like it or not!"
DonoVan - "I don't wanna! I wish you traded me to Chicago!"

IN
"Sure the life jacket helps, but it's really my massive mustache that keeps me afloat."

So, Week 12 is in the books. My friends, there is only one playoff spot left. 3 teams are fighting for the honor to be the last team in the top of the bracket and avoid the year long mockery that comes from not making the playoffs. Let's examine.

LOCKED OUT
Oops! I Crapped My Pants
Fecaldelphia Stinkpalmers

LOCKED IN (predicted seed):
San Jose Sharts (#1)
Dallas Diaper Poopy Heads (#2)
Shittsburgh Terrible Bowels (#3)
Colon Blow (#4)
Buffalo Butt Pills (#5)
Chocolate Hot Dogs (#6)
BVD Skidmark Mishap (#7)

You say - Hey, HEY, HEY! Mike's team is only 5-7, tied with Jonesy and only one game ahead of Aaron and Davis. That is true. But he's in and here's why. The worst Mike can finish is 5-8. So at the very least, he'd be tied for the 8th seed. Here is where all the weeks of high scoring are finally going to benefit him. There's no way he'll lose a tiebreaker. Mike has a season total of 1345 points. That's 191 more than Jonesy (1154), 119.5 more than Aaron (1225.5) and 140.4 more than Davis (1204.6). I don't see anyone being able to overtake his point total in just one week, even if he loses.

That leaves ONE playoff spot remaining.

THE CONTENDERS:

Buttsylvania Anal Leakage - 5-7 - 1154 total points. Win and he's in, simple as that. If he loses, he'll head to a tie-breaker against the winner of the DumpTanks/Burrito Rice matchup. That's someplace he can't afford to be has he trails Aaron and Adam by 65.5 and 50.6 points, respectively.

Andy Reid's Old Burrito Rice - 4-8 - 1225.5 total points. Aaron needs a win and a Jonesy loss for a shot. He's in excellent tie-breaker position with his total season points.

Alicia Smith's Dump Tanks - 4-8 - 1204.6 total points. Davis needs a win and also needs Jonesy to lose. His tie-breaker status would likely take out Jonesy as well.

Week 12: Photo Finishes

"Tight races + playoff implications = dirty shorts"

There are a few games yet to be decided in this the penultimate week of our fantasy regular season. Hearts will be broken, dreams will be realized and hopefully we'll all get to see a game worthy of avoiding the new episode of Prison Break.

Jonesy (+21.1) vs. Melvin (Reggie Bush) - Will he play, will he sit? Apparently, he's in, maybe. Regardless, I don't see Reggie having a big enough impact to tip the scales in Melvin's favor.
Prediction: Jonesy holds on and creeps towards a playoff birth. Who knew?!

Adam (+14.3, Marques Colston) vs. Mike (Drew Brees, Donald Driver) - Colston and Brees kinda cancel each other out, at least for TDs. Mike needs the Saint's QB to throw darts to everyone except Colston.
Prediction: Mike wins on the strength of Brees spreading it around.

Craig (+6, Greg Jennings, Ryan Grant) vs. Shawn (Aaron Rodgers) - The same thing for canceling each other out can be said for Jennings and Rodgers. Blow needs a big day from Grant to seal the deal.
Prediction: Craig hangs on and clinches a playoff berth.

Week 11 Power Rankings: Playoff Mania

It's that time of year boys. With only 2 weeks of the regular season left, the playoffs are starting to take shape!! Feast your eyes on the prognostications of ALSAP!!!

#1 Jordan (9-2, W5, 109.4 avg, Previously #2) - He's not scoring the most, but he has the longest current winning streak in the league with 5 straight victories. That puts him in the top spot, for now. Tough, tough match-ups against the Butt Pills and Skidmark end the regular season.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #3 (10-3)

#2 Melvin (9-2, W2, 114.4 avg, Previously #3) - Melvin is poised to take over the top playoff seed. He's been the highest and most consistent scorer all season and will be rewarded with a first round playoff matchup against a cast-off team with half the wins.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #1 (10-3)

#3 Hefty (8-3, W1, 113.8 avg, Previously #1) - Hefty is the 3rd league member to lock up a playoff spot. He also has it pretty easy going forward facing Dave and Shawn in his final two games. While his scoring has dipped the last two weeks, the combo of Westbrook and Turner is frighteningly dangerous for a playoff run.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #2 (10-3)

#4 Rich (7-4, W3, 107.5 avg, Previously #4) - Rich has reeled off three big wins in a row and has clinched himself a playoff spot. He's also put up some serious points (248) in the last two weeks which means his team is peaking at the right time. He has a tough game against the Sharts then finishes with Anal Leakage.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #5 (8-5)

#5 Craig (6-5, W2, 116.6 avg, Previously #5) - Colon Blow has been straight dominant over the last two weeks taking over the overall points lead from Melvin. The issue is the early season play that lead to a 4-5 start. This is truly a Jekyl and Hyde team that averages 97.9 in its 5 losses and 132.3 in its 6 wins. Blow ends the season with My Pants and Poopy Heads.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #4 (8-5)

#6 Mike (4-7, L1, 110.8 avg, Previously #8) - Mike is 1-1 since the last power rankings and just can't seem to get his team to turn the corner. He's #4 overall in scoring and has little to show for it. He ends the season facing Dump Tanks and Sharts. I think he still has a playoff charge left in him.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #7 (6-7)

#7 Shelby (6-5, L2, 95.9 avg, Previously #6) - CHD will make the playoffs, somehow. A 10 out 12 scoring average doesn't do much for his hopes of staying in the playoffs for more than one round, but he'll be there. He ends the season with two bottom dwellars in Dave and Aaron.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #6 (7-6)

#8 Adam (4-7, L1, 99.7 avg, Previously #12) - Adam is a big mover here because the bottom of the league really can't hold anything together. We have 3 teams at 4-7 and 3 teams at 3-8. It's like picking through garbage to find that half-eaten bagel that still has some cream cheese and was only 1/3 of the way buried in the can. My pick is for Adam to get in, finally, the spreadsheet pays off.
Playoffs IN/OUT: IN
Seed Prediction: #8 (5-8)

#9 Aaron (3-8, W1, 99.4 avg, Previously #11) - Aaron has showed some life of late, going 3-1 over his last 4. Unfortunately, I think it's too little, too late. He has to win out and get some help in the scoring tiebreakers to make the playoffs.
Playoffs IN/OUT: OUT

#10 Jonesey (4-7, L2, 93.1 avg, Previously #7) - Anal Leakage has hit the skids after winning 3 straight to climb back into the race. The 12th scoring average isn't helping. Killer games against Melvin and Rich will seal the fate of this Westside FFBer's first season. Please, PLEASE, play next year!
Playoffs IN/OUT: OUT

#11 Shawn (3-8, L5, 103.6 avg, Previously #9) - His team just got sent back to Cincinatti for violating a team rule. Here's looking ahead to 2009.
Playoffs IN/OUT: OUT

#12 Dave (3-8, L3, 94.1 avg, Previously #10) - An all to familiar place for Dave at the end of the fantasy football season. I had high hopes that this would be the year the StinkPalmers, formerly the Delaware Ding-Dong Danglerz, would crack the playoff scene. There is just too much to overcome in the final two weeks.
Playoffs IN/OUT: OUT

Week 11: The Tony Awards

Let's cut to the chase with this one as I'm going to spend more time on the Power Rankings anyway.

Rich def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Giants D. Without the 26 points put up as the Giants destroyed the Ravens, Rich would not have taken a step closer to locking up a playoff spot.

Melvin def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Larry Fitzgerald. 21 points in a win against the Seahawks made up for a rather average week by the rest of Melvin's team.

Craig def. Adam - And the Tony goes to DeAngelo Williams. Again a pretty difficult decision here as the week's high scoring team had 3 players go over 24 points. Williams' 56 yard TD scamper set the tone for the beat down of the Dump Tanks.

Aaron def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Anquan Boldin. The NFLs leading receiver has done it again. His 25.5 points were too much for Oops! to overcome.

Jordan def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to Dwayne Bowe. Jordan's pick up of this talented 3rd receiver really paid off this week. His 20.5 points in a losing effort to the Saints set up the Sharts for the win in this low-scoring matchup.

Hefty def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Michael Turner. The Falcon's stud continued his torrid season with a 20 point outburst. The Terrible Bowels needed every one of those points as they only beat out the CHDs by 4.9 points.

Week 10: The Tony Awards

"I know, it's huge. Thanks for noticing."

I don't know why, but that picture just made me LoL at my office so in the blog it goes! Our man and Hefty's other love interest is back in the game this week, so hopefully that will make for some interesting story lines come Monday morning. For now, let's recap the studs from week 10 that propelled their teams to victory!


Rich def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Jay Cutler. 3TDs and 447 yards!! Wowzers! His 41 points allowed Rich to squeak by Aaron after Burrito Rice posted a valiant effort in MNF. Close game and all the more reason to play against the league average!! Yay for evidence based arguments!


Mike def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Thomas Jones. In another tight game this week the Jets runningback saved Mike by going for 150 yards and 3TDs of his own. It was easily his highest scoring game of the season. Will he be able to continue the upward trend against the nemesis Patriots? NFL Network will tell us tonight!


Jordan def. Hefty - And the Tony goes to Adrian Peterson. When you MUST have a win, lean on your studs. The #2 overall pick didn't disappoint. Peterson is now the NFL's leading rusher and his 30.5 points in week 10 made sure Hefty wouldn't be seeing the top of the standings anytime soon.


Craig def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to Tyler Thigpen. Raise your hand if you had heard of Thigpen before the season. No one? Not surprising. This guy has come out of no where to record three straight off the chart fantasy weeks. His 32.7 points were topped only by Warner and Cutler. That's impressive and a premonition for later in this column. Truthfully, this was a hard one to pick. Four guys on my team scored 24 or more points. That's balance and that's deadly.


Adam def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Maurice Jones-Drew. If you haven't been paying attention, MJD has a monster game every 3rd week. In games 3, 6 and 9 he's scored 24, 29 and 28 points respectively. In all other games he's totaled 49 points. That means he'll have a huge week to get Adam into the playoffs in week 13 and then another huge week to win Adam the title, right?


Melvin def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Kurt Warner. Melvin was down going into MNF. But Warner continued his MVP campaign by slicing and dicing the 49ers to the tune of 328 yards and 3 scores. He's cut down on the turnovers too, with only 3 in his last five games. That either means he's corrected something or he's due for another six turnover meltdown like he had against the Jets.

Week 10: Photo Finishes

"Melvin in lane 2 and Rich in lane 5 pull ahead of the competition!"

There are a couple games that won't be decided until the smoke has cleared at the University of Phoenix Stadium tonight. Let's see who's walking away with a W.

Shelby (+4.1, Frank Gore) vs. Melvin (Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald) - This one is pretty simple from where I stand. Frank Gore puts up about 16 points a game. Warner and Fitzgerald combine for about 40 points every week.
Prediction: Melvin wins to take over the #1 spot.

Rich (+29.6) vs. Aaron (Anquan Boldin) - Boldin's best week of the year is 39 points against the Dolphins in week 2. Since then he's had plates put in his face to he could be more like Wolverine. He'll need the same effort to help Aaron stop Rich from going to 6-4.
Prediction: Rich hangs on to solidify the #5 spot.

Monday Morning Whine-o: Play More Games

So we're here now about to complete the 10th week of our fantasy season. I'm 5-5. Not bad, not great either. I could make the playoffs comfortably, I could miss them all together. The problem is, I feel like I have a pretty damn good team, but the results aren't showing in the record.

Here's what I proposed earlier in the year (albeit selfishly) for our scoring system in the coming years of Westside Fantasy Football VII and beyond. Not only would you play a head-to-head game, you'd play against the league scoring average on any given week. This would create a system where if one team scored a lot of points but got beat by the highest scoring team in the league that week, they'd still get something out of it. Below you'll see the statistical analysis of our league currently and what things would look like if we used the scoring average system.

This is just an idea, but I think it creates a little more parody. Week 10 is included based on projected points.

Current: #1 Melvin (8-2); #2 Jordan (8-2); #3 Hefty (7-3); #4 Rich (6-4); #5 Shelby (6-4); #6 Craig (5-5); #7 Mike (4-6); #8 Adam (4-6); #9 Jonesy (4-6); #10 Shawn (3-7); #11 Dave (3-7); #12 Aaron (2-8).

Weekly league scoring average: Week 1 - 98.7; Week 2 - 109.5; Week 3 - 103.3; Week 4 - 103.8; Week 5 - 105.5; Week 6 - 103.4; Week 7 - 106.5; Week 8 - 110.5; Week 9 - 99.3; Week 10 - 113.7.

Records with weekly scoring averages factored in: #1 Melvin (15-5); #2 Hefty (14-6); #3 Jordan (14-6); #4 Craig (12-8); #5 Rich (11-9); #6 Mike (9-11); #7 Shawn (9-11); #8 Adam (9-11); #9 Shelby (9-11); #10 Dave (7-13); #11 Aaron (6-14); #12 Jonesy (6-14). (Overall points used as tie breakers).

Only Melvin and Adam maintain their current positions using this formula. Everyone else moves at least one spot in either direction. Personally, I think it's more representative of how good each team is. Again, it helps me as much as anyone.

For fun -
Records if just the scoring average was used: #1 Craig (7-3); #2 Melvin (7-3); #3 Hefty (7-3); #4 Jordan (6-4); #5 Rich (6-4); #6 Shawn (6-4); #7 Mike (5-5); #8 Adam (5-5); #9 Dave (4-6); #10 Aaron (4-6); #11 Shelby (3-7); #12 Jonesy (2-8).

So there you have my arguments for adding this additional element to our league. That and awarding players for punt and kickoff return TDs, right Hester?! I mean, Hefty?!

Week 9 Power Rankings: The Presidents Edition

"One day, these great big heads will be joined by the 2008 Westside Village Fantasy Football Champion."

#1 Hefty (7-2, W2, 119.5 avg, Previously #2) - Ronald Reagan - He's not acting at all. He's dominating bitches. Hefty has the highest average weekly score by nearly 5 points over the next competitor. Reagan garnered 526 electoral votes, the most ever. If no one does anything, Hefty's looking at a second term as League Champion.

#2 Jordan (7-2, W3, 110.1 avg, Previously #3) - Dwight Eisenhower - This one is easy folks. Dwight D and Jordan share a very unique trait and it isn't returning from abroad from a successful war as the leader of the Allied Attack. Nope, they're both free from the burden of hair.

#3 Melvin (7-2, L2, 114.7 avg, Previously #1) - George H.W. Bush - He was on the top of his game for a while and tried to ride the coattails of Reagan for a 2nd term. That little promise of no new taxes kinda back fired and he found himself out of the Oval Office and has attended every sporting event in Texas history since. He especially likes those rascally Astros. To the point, Melvin was just cruising along and has now hit a rough patch. He's in no danger of missing the playoffs, but a high seed could be in danger.

#4 Rich (5-4, W1, 103.9 avg, Previously #5) - James K. Polk - Do you know much about him? No, neither do I.

#5 Craig (4-5, L1, 111.5 avg, Previously #4) - Jimmy Carter - Sandwiched between two Republicans on either side of his Presidency, Carter gave America a taste of the liberalism it thought it needed and then quickly realized it wanted nothing to do with. He's responsible for starting Habitat for Humanity and likes to get involved in foreign politics years after his term ended. He's a nice guy and I'm already struggling with this column.

#6 Shelby (6-3, W1, 96.3 avg, Previously #9) - Teddy Roosevelt - His motto was "walk softly and carry a big stick." Well, Shelby certainly hasn't been scoring much with the 3rd lowest average in the league, but he's winning. He could be a real ball-ache for someone in the playoffs.

#7 Jonesy (4-5, W3, 94.7 avg, Previously #10) - Franklin Roosevelt - When Jonesy took office, things did not look good at all. His team was laughed at post-draft and came out of the gates about as quickly as Paris Hilton doing long division. However, after a few prudent moves like Social Security, FDIC, SEC, and the CCC, Jonesy was riding high and 4-1 over his last five games. Whether or not he can sustain the longest fantasy football tenure in history remains to be seen.

#8 Mike (3-6, L2, 112.1 avg, Previously #6) - JFK - Let's cut to the chase, like John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Mike scores a lot. Unfortunately for Skidmark Mishap, his playoff hopes are about to be assassinated if he doesn't win this week. It's sad to see a promising fellow cut down in his prime. I think though, that it may be a reach to think Mike's exit will galvanize a nation.

#9 Shawn (3-6, L3, 103.5 avg, Previously #7) - Chester A. Arthur - I received good information that Shawn is attempting to grow a beard in the mold of our favorite facial haired leader. Oh, and his team is crap right now.

#10 Dave (3-6, L1, 97 avg, Previously #8) - William J. Clinton - Dave doesn't necessarily make the strongest picks for his team and just like Clinton's picks some floozies for his cabinet. Good thing for Dave is, he's only a Cuban and a pussy away from stepping closer to the playoffs.

#11 Aaron (2-7, W2, 95 avg, Previously #11) - Harry S. Truman - They printed papers the night of the election that showed Truman's opponent Thomas Dewey had beaten his incumbent bid for the Presidency. Truman flipped off the doubters and he retained the White House to later be named one of the top presidents in history. Aaron has faced similar doubters in this league but he's given everyone a big EFF YOU by winning two straight.

#12 Davis (3-6, L3, 95.9 avg, Previously #11) - Herbert Hoover - The Great Depression. The Cellar. The Bottom of the Barrel. Synonyms for sucking ass. Here lies Adam's season.

The Tony Awards: Week 9

"Hey there fella. I think I see some pretty handsome award winners out there."

Well, the election has come and gone and so has week 9! It's in the books and a bunch of really fun things happened. Aaron won, and Melvin lost, again! Dave's three game winning streak came to a screeching halt and so did Shelby's three game losing streak. Coincidentally, they scored the fewest and most points in the league, respectively. Now it's time to hand out some week 9 certificates of studliness.

Hefty def. Craig - And the Tony goes to Derek Mason. I probably could have just awarded Hefty's team's consistency. I mean seriously. Four guys scored exactly 14 points. Show me a time that's happened before, in any league. No, the award goes to Mason because he destroyed my hopes of pulling off a win and embarrassed the Browns secondary in the process.

Jordan def. Melvin - And the Tony goes to Adrian Peterson. He's hardly in a sophomore slump, but he's not breaking his rookie season records by any means. Peterson's 20 points helped stave off another weak effort by the Poopy Heads. Both teams need to score more if they want to go anywhere in the playoffs.

Aaron def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Clinton Portis. On a night where his QB got hurt and the Redskins got totally dominated, Burrito Rice was somehow able to pull out a close battle. Portis didn't find the endzone or top 100 yards but he caught a bunch of passes and still ended up with 15.5 points to win it for Aaron.

Shelby def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Peyton Manning. I have to reward Shelby for sticking with his stud even after I criticized him for not playing Peyton and then the strategy backfired the following week. Your number 1 picks will win you more games than they'll lose. Shelby's big week came just in the nick of time as Mike was forced to bench Brees with a bye. Can't catch a break this year, hoss.

Jonesy def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Antonio Bryant. Yeah, you read that right. Antonio "I got thrown out of Dallas by Bill Parcells and I suck because I went to Pitt" Bryant. He scored 22 points!! Are you kidding! Jonesy's wins have certainly been due to some stellar waiver wire pick-ups. Anal Leakage is creeping closer towards the playoffs.

Rich def. Davis - And the Tony goes to Brandon Jacobs. In the tighest game of the weekend, Rich relied on his big beef in the backfield and it paid off nicely. Dallas had no answer for Jacobs as the Giants rolled. Rich also sent the DumpTanks to their third straight loss, eekers!

A Thinly Veiled Attempt To Get You To Vote For Whitey

Obama makes one last campaign stop before the big day!

"Hello my fellow Americans. Tomorrow is truly a historical day for our nation. And just know that none of this CHANGE could have happened without you. And I'm proud to be adressing you on a truly wonderful piece of internet literature, A Little Slap And Pickle!! And I'd like to talk about a topic we all love, NFL football! What a tremendous game. I remember being a fan of Sweetness and Refrigerator Perry watching the Chicago Bears back in the mid-eighties. But the game is CHANGING and evolving constantly. And honestly, I'm concerned about a disturbing trend in the NFL landscape. And I want you to know that as your next president, I'll do everything I can to make the necessary CHANGES to correct this problem.

Of course, I'm talking about the greed and injustices that have run rampant through the NFL landscape. A quick glance at the standings clearly proves my point. Here you have teams like the Tennessee Titans and New York Giants, who are unfairly hogging all the wins. And on the other hand, poor, impoverished teams like the Detroit Lions and Cincinatti Bengals, just can't buy a break. They've got but one meager win between them. And under my presidency, we'd correct this social injustice.

You see, I think when you spread the wins around, it's a good thing.

Under my plan, the Titans and Giants would each be taxed heavily, and those wins would be redistributed amongst the teams who are hurting and suffering and just haven't had a fair shake. Take the Bengals...do they almost always make the wrong personnel decisions, have an overrated coach, multiple felons on the roster, and let cancers get an absurd amount of the spotlight? No, no they don't. They've just been unfairly treated by the NFL, and we can make sure we can correct this.

And while all this is happening, teams like the Titans are experiencing a windfall of wins, which certainly has nothing to do with the fact that they've worked hard, developed an excellent running game, a tremendous defense, a head coach who doesn't take crap from his prima donna players, and a sound business model which promotes sucess. No, the Titans and Giants are the wealthiest 5% of teams when it comes to wins and it's time we took what they have and gave it to the teams who need it more.

You see, for teams like the Titans and Giants, giving up three or four wins is nothing. It's chump change.

So we take the wins from the Titans and Giants and we give them to the Lions and Bengals and now you've got all the teams sitting at 4-4, which is really what we need to see more of in the NFL, even though most people with half a brain would agree that the shitty teams didn't earn anything, and the good teams shouldn't be penalized for working hard.

And, that, my fellow Americans, is my new plan for the NFL in a nutshell. If this makes any sense to you, then you're even more hypnotized by my suave black persona than I had anticipated. Thank you and good night."

Photo Finishes: Week 9

"ALSAP - We put the 'wing' in swing-vote!!"

Below are the games coming down to the wire on this election-eve. An interesting note is that over the last 17 presidential elections, a Redskins victory in the game prior to the election means that the party that won the previous popular vote won the election. If the Redskins lost, the party that lost the previous popular vote won the election. If history holds true, Redskins win=McCain, Steelers win=Obama.

Dave (+8.2, Santana Moss, Shawn Suisham) vs. Aaron (Big Ben, Clinton Portis). Let's make this quick. Big Ben and Portis combine for over 20 points in their sleep. Dave needs big time connections from Campbell to Moss.
Prediction: Aaron wins his 2nd in a row!

Mike (+7.7) vs. Shelby (Santonio Holmes, Steelers D)
Prediction: Shelby wins easy.

Davis (+2.9) vs. Rich (Hines Ward). There's a chance Ward will be shutout, but I seriously doubt it. He needs 2 receptions for 20 yards to win it for Rich.
Prediction: Rich sends Davis further into Playoff purgitory.

Week 8 Power Rankings: Saturday Morning Cartoon Edition

Ok, so I haven't done power rankings since week 5. A lot has changed since then. I'm going with the new theme. I hope you enjoy it.



#1 Melvin (7-1, L1, 118.4 avg, Previously #1) - He-Man. I didn't think much of Melvin's team when he first drafted. But just like Prince Adam lifting his sword on high for the POWER of GRAYSKULL to become He-Man, the PoopyHeads are alone on top of the league standings. Missing Reggie Bush, though, could make his team more like She-Ra.


#2 Hefty (6-2, W1, 119.7 avg, Previously #3) - Lionel of Thundercats. Personally, I can't think of a guy that better represents Hefty than one with a sword that grows and yells HOOOOOOO!! to gather a crowd. The Terrible Bowels lead the league in scoring average and have taken dead aim at the top spot.


#3 Jordan (6-2, W2, 110.8 avg, Previously #4) - Voltron. The Sharts have been on quite a tear during the last three weeks. I liken Jordan to Voltron, because while he doesn't have a ton of studs on his team, he's able to piece together a winner. Plus, Voltron is just badass. Raise your hand if you didn't want to be on that intergalactic, evil fighting team. No one? I didn't think so.


#4 Craig (4-4, W1, 112.9 avg, Previously #6) - C.O.B.R.A. Commander. You think you might have beaten me into submission, Joes. But I will never rest. I will wait to strike and take down your leaders one at a time! The mighty Joes will weep when I take over their beloved country!! Isn't my see-through mask cool as well? Pretty badass, I know.


#5 Rich (4-4, L1, 104.3 avg, Previously #5) - Bumble Bee. Rich isn't doing a whole heck of a lot. He's here, making a play, rescuing his buddies every now and again. He's not flashy, but he gets the job done. He's right in the mix of things, though I would like to see higher than the #7 scoring average.


#6 Mike (3-5, L1, 114.1 avg, Previously #7) - Pinky and the Brain. Try, try, try as he may, Mike cannot just make any headway in his attempt to take over the worl, er, league. He's number 3 in scoring average and only has 3 wins to show for it. Again, I think he's a playoff team, but he's gotta win at least 3 of the last 5 games.

#7 Shawn (3-5, L2, 105 avg, Previously #8) - Mum-Ra of the Thundercats. Yes, I know I already used a Thundercats character. But doesn't Shawn remind you of Mum-Ra? You know. How he's half Egyptian and they have mummies in Egypt and it's like Mum-Ra? No? Shit, this one needs a re-write. Shawn is right in the middle of the pack in scoring average and on the fence of being a playoff team.


#8 Dave (3-5, W3, 98.8 avg, Previously #12) - Captain Planet. Dave was down and out just three weeks and one power ranking ago. Now he's flying high on three straight, convincing wins. I see more wins in the future. Dave's team isn't really like Captain Planet, except for the little faggie kid that uses his "heart" ring to make the Captain appear. No, Dave just looks like Captain Planet. Seriously, click on this picture, it's uncanny.


#9 Shelby (5-3, L3, 92.4 avg, Previously #2) - Hadji from Johnny Quest. This kid is one of the more douchey characters in all of Saturday TV. He really serves no purpose except for infrequent comic relief. Shelby has the lowest scoring average in the league and I'm still shocked that he was able to win 5 games. Three loses in a row have moved him to the lower 3rd of the power rankings.


#10 Jonesy (3-5, W2, 94.3 avg, Previously #10) - Papa Smurf. Jonesy is straight chillin' in our league. I'd like to think when Papa Smurf wasn't on camera, he was hittin' a flask and playing some grab-ass with some young lady smurfs. That's how I like to think of Jonesy down there in South Cack with the beach and undergrads on his doorstep. He's also 3-1 over his last 4, so his team is showing signs up life. He'll probably have to win 4 of his last 5 to get into the playoffs, but stranger things have happened.


#11 Davis (3-5, L2, 95.5 avg, Previously #9) - Counselor John from Camp Candy. Camp Candy had to be one of the lamer creations of an over-weight, moderately funny comedian. Now he's dead and Camp Candy is no more. Our children are so deprived. I think the playoffs will also be deprived of the Dump Tanks. Davis is 1-4 over his last 5.


#12 Aaron (1-7, W1, 96.1 avg, Previously #11) - Tenderheart Bear from the Care Bears. Aaron won a game!! He's also lost 7. That's tough to swallow, but you'll never see anything but a smile on his face! The ultimate optimist is having fun, even if he's not winning. He's also quite cuddly, I've heard anyway...

The Tony Awards: Week 8 (&7)

"I'm singin' the bluuuuuuues with a busted digit."

Week 8 has passed, well, so has 7, but I wasn't on my game. Here's some awards for studs that made the difference over the past few weeks.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Do we really have to call these things the Tonys still? The guy is a a little off and now he's like Barbaro with a broken bone. I really don't see him coming back from this. Ever.

WEEK 8:

Craig def. Melvin - And the Tony goes to Donnie Avery. The rook continued his three game tear by taking a dump all over the Patriots banged-up secondary. 160+ yards and a TD made for a fine waiver-wire pickup for Colon Blow.

Jordan def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Dominic Rhodes. Of the two fill-in RBs on the Sharts, it was Mr. Rhodes who fended off the hot pursuits of Skidmark during MNF. His 14 points kept Mike frustrated once again as he has the 3rd highest scoring average in the league and only 3 wins to show for it.

Jonesy def. Rich - And the Tony goes to Mewelde Moore. Another fill in RB with a big day. He busted a long run early on against the Giants when the Steelers O-line actually looked decent. He scored for the second week in a row and remains a viable option until Fast Willie Parker comes back to the lineup.

Dave def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Santana Moss. Moss was a one man show for the StinkPalmers and our league doesn't even give points for punt return TDs (change on the horizon) and he still scored almost 30 points. Don't look now, but Dave has the longest winning streak in the league. He's getting hot at the right time.

Hefty def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Brian Westbrook. Holy come-back, Batman. Westbrook had something ridiculous like 167 rushing yards and 2 TDs plus a bunch of receiving yards as the Eagles took down the Falcons at home. The Terrible Bowels is the highest scoring team in the league thanks to the Westbrook/Turner duo.

Aaron def. Davis - And the Tony goes to super duper hugs of joy and big rainbow high-fives!!! I've waited all year to award someone from Aaron's team. Good job on breaking through, big guy!! Hopefully you can keep that MO going. The actual award goes to Anquan Boldin for healing so quickly it would make Wolverine proud. Come to think of it, Boldin is a lot like Wolverine now. They both have adamantium fused to their facial bones. Right? Right!


Week 7:

Mike def. Craig - Chris Johnson
Rich def. Hefty - Steven Jackson
Melvin def. Shawn - Bears D
Jonesy def. Aaron - Mewelde Moore
Jordan def. Shelby - Owen Daniels (21 pts from a TE!?)
Dave def. Adam - Willis McGahee

Week 8: Photo Finishes

We're baaaack! After 3 weeks of ridiculous work loads and general apathy towards anything else, the writer(s) of ALSAP are back to bring you down the stretch of the last 8 weeks of fantasy football fun!! Let's kick things off with some tight games that will be hashed out during MNF in Tennessee tonight!

Jordan (+14.8, Dominic Rhodes) vs. Mike (Chris Johnson, Titan's D) - Not many teams have been able to run on the Titans this year. In fact, they're giving up only 90 yards a game on the ground. That's tough sledding for a Indianapolis team that has had O-line issues all season. Conversely, the Colts rank 29th in the NFL at stopping the run. Look for big doses of Johnson and fatty LenDale White so they don't have to rely on Kerry Collins. Though the Titans D has scored massive points this year, the Colts usually take care of the ball. Jordan needs a TD from Rhodes and this one is all but over.
Prediction: Jordan squeaks it out.

Jonesy (+32.6) vs. Rich (Reggie Wayne, LenDale White) - Can Jonesy weather the storm? White had 3 TDs a week ago against the hapless Chiefs. Will Wayne have a big game or will Marvin Harrison steal the show on national television? His 3 points against the Packers last week is cause for concern.
Prediction: Rich gets close, but Jonesy pulls in his third victory of the year.

Aaron (+4.9, Dallas Clark) vs. Adam (Bo Scaife) - Oh how I've yearned for a battle of tight ends all season!! Both Clark and Scaife have been inconsistent scoring anywhere between 0.5 and 14 points. Who will make the big catch and propell their fantasy owner to victory? Probably Aaron will be the only one that knows since Adam will be watching WS game 5.
Prediction: Aaron gets by on the strength of a Clark TD and picks up his first victory.

Shawn (+10.6) vs. Hefty (Rob Bironas) - Fun with kickers! Yay. They're usually worthless and don't make a difference. But when Josh Reed, Jason Witten and Michael Turner combine for 7.5 points, you need a big day from your placekicker. Bironas has crossed the 11 point threshold only twice this season. He'll need at least 3 field goals to get it done.
Prediction: Shawn wins as Big Leg Rob misses a 50+ yarder to win it for the Titans and for Hefty.

The Tonys: Week 6

"Insert funny caption here!!"

Well, week 6 is in the books. It's time to hand out some hardware. Winners this week should pick up their trophies (pictured above) at my house. I'm making chili this weekend, so stay for a while. Please. I'm lonely.

Craig def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Marion Barber. The dreadlocked wonder singlehandedly put the Cowboys on his back late in the game against the Cards. Unfortunately for Dallas, overtime consisted of a broken finger, a broken foot and a blocked punt for a TD. Fortunately for me, Barber's 70-plus yard TD reception netted me 16.5 points on one play and ended Shelby's sham of an unbeaten streak. NOTE: Play your first round pick no matter what!!

Shawn def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Steve Breaston. This waiver wire pick-up by Shawn scored 21 points from the 3rd WR slot while filling in admirably for the injured Anquan Boldin on the Cardinals. Breaston also helped Shawn squeak by Mike, who lost yet again while going over 100 points.

Hefty def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Tony Romo!! How funny!! Romo's 35 points kept this one well out of reach of Aaron's best efforts and helped Hefty score the most points for the second week in a row. The namesake notches his first weekly award (Namesake - also a decent movie featuring our very own blog-throb, Kal Penn).

Melvin def. Rich - And the Tony goes to Matt Forte. The rook set the tone for the Poopyheads as they had even scoring across the board. He's been a solid performer all year and is actually the 4th highest scoring RB in our league. Consistency as running back is a major reason Melvin is steamrolling the competition.

Dave def. Jordan - And the Tony goes to Philip Rivers. Dave's team gets its first Tony winner, congrats!! Rivers put up a monster 33 points against the fading Patriots to lift Dave from the ranks of the defeated. It'd be nice if you stayed around for a while.

Adam def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to MoJo Drew. Adam's "other" running back finally broke out with a beast of a game. Jones-Drew totted the rock for a cool 125 yards and two scores, including a 46 yard TD scamper. He's likely to continue his roll against the Browns in week 8.

A Pinkie Injury??? A PINKIE INJURY?!?!?!

GET UP, SON, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF!!!

Awesome news out of Big D today, as it seems my fantasy team will be in the hands of Chad Pennington until mid-November. In case you haven't noticed, Pennington hasn't even been the best quarterback on the Dolphins this year; that would be Ronnie Brown, who singlehandedly ensured that Madden 2010 would have the Wildcat formation and a lateral button so you can run the option. Anyway, I'm going to be fun to play for the next month. Enjoy. Especially this week when Turner and Westbrook are on a bye.

Back to the Romo issue though, a pinkie injury??? Are you kidding me??? Listen, when it comes to most injuries, I have no room to talk. I've never torn an MCL, or sprained my high ankle, or even had a sports hernia. So me chastising injured players is laughable. But, here's an issue where I know what I'm talking about.

I've broken exactly one bone in my body during the 25 years I've been on this earth. It was my left pinkie. I was in 9th grade. I played a football game two days later. I didn't miss a practice, let alone a month. I played tight end and actually had a couple of badass receptions in the league championship game, but we lost 8-0 to a team of black kids. I played defensive end, and was slamming my broken digit up against O-lineman all game and didn't come out on a single play. And I feel obligated to remind you that I was 14 and wasn't being paid a dime to play. Tony Romo, you sir, are a gigantic faggot. Tape that bitch up, take a Tylenol, and get your ass back in the game, Veronica.

Week 5 Power Rankings: The Hot Dog Vendor

"Step right up, hunny. Shelby's got a present for ya!!"

So this BS has been going on for 5 weeks and I've done nothing but complain about it. It's Shelby's team. It started with what seemed like by far the worst pick of the first round (P. Manning) and progressed to the Chocolate Hot Dogs eeking out wins against crappy, disgusting, horrid, putrid, ugly, lazy, terrible competition. I said this team was farce. Now I'm the one eating crow. Not only has Shelby's team done well, they haven't lost! Well, a big Chocolate Hot Dog in my face! Shelby is where he finally deserves to be, right near the top of the power rankings.

#1 Melvin (5-0, W5, Previously #1) - There's not a whole lot to say here. Melvin continues to mow down the opponents, though his margin of victory has been getting a little tighter. Kurt Warner is making everyone say "Tom who?" Even when he has a turnover barrage like he did against the Jets, he's still putting up 20+ points on a regular basis. He's at home against a suspect Cowboys pass defense this week.

#2 Shelby (5-0, W5, Previously #5) - I've already said what I need to say. Shelby is pretty much already in the playoffs. Last year's 7 and 8 seeds had 6 wins, so now it's a matter of who he'll play in the winners bracket, not if.

#3 Hefty (4-1, W3, Previously #3) - Romo is starting to make me nervous, but this team is solid all around and thus far has been able to avoid slipping from bye weeks and injuries. Westbrook's long term availability is a major area of concern.

#4 Jordan (4-1, W4, Previously #6) - I was Jordan's most recent whipping boy and let me tell you, it wasn't any fun. The running back situation is tenuous as Maroney is looking like a major first round bust to this point. If Isaac Bruce continues on his trek to the fountain of youth, it could push the Sharts even higher.

#5 Rich (3-2, W1, Previously #4) - This is almost by default that Rich ends up here and still in the top 5. He's the last of the teams with a winning record, parody be damned!!

#6 Craig (2-3, L1, Previously #9) - The muddled middle of our league has no real leader, but this is my column and I'm putting myself here for fun and to make someone else feel like shit. Big weeks are needed out of the RBs and WRs once again as the QB carousel reached it's 4th different starter last week.

#7 Mike (2-3, L1, Previously #8) - I continue to be amazed by the Skidmark misfortune. Still a playoff team, in my opinion. You're also below me because you spent 10 days boning in Cabo, asshole.

#8 Shawn (2-3, L2, Previously #7) - Since we last visited, Oops! has dropped two straight without much of a fight. Larry Johnson and Marshawn Lynch byes may spell further doom in week 6.

#9 Davis (2-3, L2, Previously #2) - This is probably way too low. I forgot I had him ranked #2 after week 3. Oops and double oops. Big problems for Adam, as he's posted only 69 and 85 points in consecutive weeks. Good thing for Adam is LT is starting to put together some solid games.

#10 Jonesy (1-4, W1, Previously #12) - Anal wins! Anal wins! Anal wins! Well, someone had to. He beat Dave in a battle of the bottom dwellers and moves himself out of the power ranking basement. Kyle Orton might be the pick-up of the season so far.

#11 Aaron (0-5, L5, Previously #11) - I like Aaron. He's cute.

#12 Dave (0-5, L5, Previously #10) - I like Dave too, but let's face it, he stinks at fantasy football. Non-titans collide in week 9 as Dave and Aaron finally play to see who's the worst in our league.

The Week 5 Tonys

I was in the pool!!!!

Alas we've come to the week 5 Tony awards. I'm bad at photoshop and bad at humor, but we're not here for comedy, right? Right!? Here's the list of some pretty big badasses that propelled their teams to victory in week 5...

Jordan def. Craig - And the Tony goes to Isaac Bruce. This old guy decided to have his best game of the year against the Patriots and made me look like a moron for starting Brian Griese over JT O'Sullivan. He wasn't Jordan's highest scorer, but he sealed the deal in the afternoon games after Colon Blow had built a healthy lead during the early games.

Melvin def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Kurt Warner. This guy contemplated retirement after taking the blame for getting Aquan Boldin decapitated a week earlier. Then he decided he still wanted to play and led the Cards to a 41 point outburst that vaulted the Poopy Heads to a perfect 5-0 record. I'm pretty sure Melvin is glad you decided to stop being a pussy, Kurt.

Hefty def. Adam - And the Tony goes to Andre Johnson. Let's be honest. This award could have gone to a number of people on the Terrible Bowels. They shat all over the Dump Tanks in the most lopsided game of the week. I goes to Johnson because he finally had the type of game Hefty was expecting when he drafted him. The points will need to continue as Hefty's gem, Westbrook, is looking prrretty dicey for the coming weeks.

Jonesy def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Kyle Orton. WTF?! you say? Yes, the bearded wonder. Kyle Orton. I was sitting there last Thursday, trying to decide if I was going to pick up Griese or Orton. Brian was playing the team allowing the 3rd most fantasy points this season and Orton was playing a joke of a defense in Detroit. I went with Griese and it cost me the game. It won the game for Jonsey, as Orton accounted for nearly a quarter of his point total and got him off the schnide with a win.

Rich def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Brandon Jacobs. This dude wracked up 26.5 points and did almost all of his damage in the first half. Beastly. He got the Butt Pills on the right track in one of week 5's most hotly contested games. Thus far, Jacobs has been able to avoid the injury bug that has plagued him throughout his career.

Shelby def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Peyton Manning. Not a spectacular scoring game from the golden boy, but no one on Shelby's team stood out. It was just consistent scoring all the way through the lineup. Manning was the beneficiary of one of the most ridiculous 4th quarter collapses ever as the Colts scored 3TDs in the final 5 minutes of the game to leave the Texans feeling like they just got ass-raped by Hurricane Ike, again.

The Sportpocalypse Is Upon Us

It's no use, Homer. People just don't listen.

Ah, an October Sunday. My favorite day and my favorite time of year. Perfect for lounging and watching the fully loaded slate of NFL action. Let's check the TV lineup, shall we??

Wait a minute. This is strange...must be a typo.

1:00 PM - Eagles v. Redskins
1:07 PM - Phillies v. Brewers, Game 4 NLDS

I WARNED YOU PEOPLE!!! I WARNED YOU OF THIS IMPENDING DOOM AND THIS LOSE-LOSE SCENARIO!!! I WARNED AND YOU SAT BACK AND MOCKED!!! "OH, GET AN ATTENTION SPAN," YOU SCREAMED!!! WELL NOW WHO'S SCREAMING?!!??! WHO?!?!?!

Seriously, if somebody can tell me how this scenario somehow benefits the game of baseball, please, I'm all ears.

Also, another positive to my "play the World Series in August" theorem that I've thought of since posting the original column: Kids would get to watch the games because they don't have to go to school the next day. Now you're getting a whole new audience hooked, and like the tobacco companies's wettest of dreams, you get them hooked when they're young. Just one more reason why I'm a freaking genius.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bunker to hole up in.

Week 4 Tonys: Veep Debate Edition

I'm tired and busy, so this will be quick!

Mike def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Drew Brees. The Saints QB picked apart a good 49ers secondary to post 34 points. Mike continues to score well heading into his empty suit managerial week while he's in Cabo for BonerFest '08.

Hefty def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Derrick Mason. The ancient receiver put up big numbers on an ugly Monday night game. He scored 18 points with Joe "The Ostrich" Flacco tossing him the rock. Figure that one out.

Craig def. Dave - The Tony goes to Greg Jennings. Big props to the Blow's whole receiving corps that combined for 69 points to send the team to its second victory. Jennings leads the NFL in receiving yards and scored his first 2 TDs to go along with all those yards.

Jordan def. Shawn - The Tony goes to Brett Favre. How can you ignore a record setting day from one of the NFL's top 10 QBs of all time? 6 TD tosses against the Cardinals, who looked like they'd never seen a football in the air before.

Melvin def. Adam - The Tony goes to Larry Fitzgerald. Melvin's team took a little bit of a scoring dip in week 4, but still pulled out the victory. I refuse to award his highest scorer, Kurt Warner, due to an ungodly amount of turnovers, albeit with 479 passing yards.

Shelby def. Rich - The Tony goes to Jake Delhomme. The Panther's QB put a lot of air under the ball and delivered strike after strike to Mouhammad and Smith. His 27 points help put Rich away on a down week. Take note here. Shelby FINALLY broke the 100 point barrier and did it with three guys scoring ZERO points. Ridiculous.

The Story You Couldn't Care Less About

I've been Marmalarded!!!

You guys don't care about my other league. We've been over this before. But I just need to share this story. If nothing else, you can get a laugh in at your old pal Hefty.

I have two QBs on my roster in the other league; the above douche, Rivers, and a guy I just generally don't like, the gunslinger, Brett Favre. I've used this space to call out Rivers as a crappy inconsistent QB before, but hey, he's the #1 overall player in fantasy this year, right?? Right???

Forget it, you know how this story ends.

Piss on my lunch.

Nightmare On Broad Street

Not even Freddy Kreuger would beat his wife. You're a special kind of asshole, Brett.

OK, I know we're just two posts removed from my anti-baseball rant, but the fact is, there is some serious baseball action this weekend. The Phils lead the Mets by a game with three to play. The Brewers are also somewhere back there, I think they're tied for the Wild Card, but who knows? Again, it's football season.

Let me just present The Nightmare Scenario if you're a Phillies fan:
A one-game playoff against the Brewers for the Wild Card with the season on the line. Go through the pitching matchups this weekend, and you see it's Blanton, Moyer, Hamels. Which means with the season on the line, resting on the arm of one man, the Phillies could be handing the ball to Chief Gives Up Longball, of the Slapaho tribe.

Piss on my lunch.

Week 3 Power Rankings: The Juke Box Edition

Singin' My Crappy Team's Blues Away

This week we’ll break down the rankings and give everyone a song that attempts to sum of their efforts as a general manager so far this season.

#1 – Melvin (3-0, W3, Previously #1) – You’re the Best Around – By Paul Stanley. The Dallas Diaper Poopy Heads rolled in week 3 with the highest score in the league. Everyone on this team is putting up numbers. Did I mention his first round pick is out for the season? Scary.

#2 – Davis (2-1, W1, Previously #3) – Livin’ on the Edge – By Aerosmith. The Dump Tanks finally got production out of the first overall pick and won a tight battle against Skidmark. If LT continues to produce, Adam will be on the edge of the top spot for the foreseeable future.

#3 – Hefty (2-1, W1, Previously #4) – One Way or Another – By Blondie. He’s gonna find ya, he’s gonna getcha, getcha, getcha. The Westbrook prognosis is dicey, but Michael Turner appears to be poised for a solid season. Now, if he could only play the Lions and Chiefs all year…

# 4 – Rich (2-1, L1, Previously #2) – Turning Japanese – By The Vapors. We all know Rich is already Japanese and I doubt he’s been turning Japanese much since he got married. Let’s face it. There’s no way I’m going to fill this juke box theme without throwing a nonsensical tune in there every once in a while.

#5 – Shelby (3-0, W3, Previously #8) – Screaming Infidelities – Dashboard Confessional. I revisit this topic for yet another week. Shelby has yet to score 100 points, but has the fewest points in the league scored against him. He probably only needs to go 4-6 the rest of the way to get into the playoffs. A win this week, and I’ll officially have to change my stance on Mr. Fidler’s skeleton squad.

#6 – Jordan (2-1, W2, Previously #7) – Thunderdome – By Primal Fear. In case you hadn’t noticed, Jordan is bald. It’s funny. Nothing like recycled humor to get you through the power rankings. Seriously, he’s won two in a row and has moved into the top half of the rankings.

#7 – Shawn (2-1, W2, Previously #9) - Bad Medicine – By Bon Jovi. Shawn certainly gave me the bad medicine this week by thumping my team and recording the second highest point total in the league. This has nothing to do with him screaming the chorus of this song at Hefty’s and Rich’s weddings, I swear.

#8 – Mike (1-2, L1, Previously #5) – Once Bitten, Twice Shy - By Great White. Mike’s been the victim of his opponent having a monster week twice now in the first three weeks. He’s gone over 100 points every week and has little to show for it. That will work itself out as we get into the bye weeks and the middle of the season. This is still a playoff team.

#9 – Craig (1-2, L2, Previously #6) – Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting) – By Elton John. So far this season, Saturday is my favorite day of the weekend. I’ve followed each Penn State win by getting drunk and then waking up with a hangover only to see my fantasy team shit the bed. So far, I’m managing a team of paper all-stars. My lineup and match ups look great, but they aren’t producing. The Blow look to get back on track against the 0-3 StinkPalmers in week 4.

#10 – Dave (0-3, L3, Previously #11) – Cruel Summer – By Bananarama. Dave scored well last week and was a couple more Rivers to Gates connections away from beating Hefty. He’s happy to see the calendar turn to fall as the first three weeks of the season were none too kind to our friend and everyone’s favorite, Deewan.

#11 – Aaron (0-3, L3, Previously #10) – Yellow Submarine – By The Beatles. Aaron lives in a yellow submarine and it’s sinking to the bottom of the power rankings. His team lacked punch yet again. It’s tough to put up points when your QB is running for his life.

#12 – Jonesy (0-3, L3, Previously #12) – In the End – By Linkin Park. Here rests Jerod’s Mayo, at the end of the power rankings. I really think a name change is needed here. I predict this team will not win until it gets on board with the rest of the league and hits up the fecal theme. It was a sad day on Thursday, as Jonesy cut a beloved Patriot from his team. Steven Gostowski is now available.

Give Me My Tonys Back!

I'm throwing a Blog-tantrum.

This is a big EFF YOU to Citizen 10 Cane. You obviously put a lot of time into your below, stinky column. Couldn't you at least done the Tonys right?! Has the great weekly award of our league been denigrated so badly that it only deserves a mention in the comments? Crockery!

Hefty def. Dave - The Tony goes to Eagles D. At truly stifling performance, albeit against a completely outgunned Oline.

Shelby def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Frank Gore. He had a lot of yards and scored a TD. Awesome.

Adam def. Mike - The Tony goes to Vikings D. Sack. Fumble. TD. Game.

Melvin def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Reggie Bush. Kim Kardashian is a whore.

Shawn def. Craig - The Tony goes to Roddy White. Malcontent.

Jordan def. Rich - The Tony goes to TJ Houshmandzadeh. Degenerate.

There you have it. The Tonys. Week 3. Happy, Happy. Joy, Joy.

What Really Grinds My Gears

The Prime Minister of Blogaria is back to address the people.

OK, first of all, I had to get the "fashion" post off the top of the page just in case anybody Googles my name and this blog comes up and they think I put that there. That's not even worthy of bush league. It's 8th-Grade-JV level crap. Craig, you are on notice. We all appreciate you picking up the slack and handing out Chumleys and ranking the squads, but come on.

On notice.

Anyway, this weekend at the Eagles game (thanks, Best Hombre!!!), I was trying to get NFL scores on my new phone, which comes with a limited version of ESPN MVP. You can't do much on it, you basically have to wait through a ticker like you're watching Sports Center's Bottom Line. It's a neat feature, but it also comes with one brutal flaw.

The ticker ALWAYS starts on Major League Baseball. And this really grinds my gears.

Now, I've been known to change my mind from time to time. Prominent examples include:
-The Gin and Tonic, which has gone from tasting like Barbara Walters' ass sweat to a very palatable and refreshing beverage in nearly no time.
-"A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend, which has gone from another song by kids whose dads didn't hug them enough to a song that makes me crank the radio up every time it comes on.
-DeSean Jackson, who has gone from the greatest rookie wide reciever ever to play the game to another dumb wide reciever who thinks far too much of himself at the expense of his team.

So, I may be many things, but stubborn is not one of them. However, there's one thing I'll never change my mind on...

ONCE SEPTEMBER STARTS, BASEBALL IS OVER. IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON.

This annoys me to no end. The baseball season has seven months out of the year to grab our attention, and it teases us with these meaningless, picayune, tedious, games which never seem to mean anything until August and September. Well guess what? By the time I'm supposed to start really taking an active interest in this sport, I couldn't care less.

This is totally backwards. Play the meaningful games when we have nothing else on our minds. Besides, baseball is a summer game. The games with the highest stakes should be during the summer. How many times have you watched a World Series game, gone outside, and shivered your ass off in the cold State College night?

My solution: move the season up a month.

"But Hefty", you say, "that means they'd be starting play in February!! It'll never work!!!" Yes, actually, it will. Here's why.

Step 1: Eliminate Spring Training. A Major League Baseball team, last time I checked, plays one month of preseason games, then plays 162 regular season games, then plays anywhere up to 19 postseason games. Doesn't that seem excessive? That's over 200 games in a season. If you can't get into baseball shape without those first twenty or thirty games, then you're not an athlete. Just give back your million dollars a year, and go drive a bus or dig a ditch like the rest of us.
But what about the young players? Well, that's a good argument, except there's about 8 different minor league teams in every major league team's farm system. I'm sure the young players can get plenty of practice playing in AAA, or AA, or A, or rookie ball, or one of those other teams where none of the players can legally drink.

OK, so we've shaved a month off the season. We're still starting in February though. And it's cold in February, especially up north in cities like Chicago and Detroit.

Step 2: Globalize. Play the first two months of the regular season in warmer countries where they worship baseball even more than we do. Let the players go on a whirlwind tour, playing in countries like the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Japan, and South America. This is not an unprecedented idea. The Red Sox opened the regular season in Japan this year, and the Expos played in Puerto Rico before they moved to Washington a few years ago. This gets fans of all countries excited about the teams, the players, and most importantly, the league. International merchandise sales skyrocket, teams scout overseas talent more closely for a few months, and most importantly, the season is off and running. The teams would then return home for their home openers in April as usual.
Added bonus I just thought of: this reduces the amount of season tickets the average fan needs to buy by about twenty-four games. Now they're paying for fifty-seven games instead of eighty-one. The cost of the season tickets are cheaper, and they're getting the fifty-seven games that really matter. By the way, if you have time to attend eighty-one home games a year, you are a total fag.
The owners? Well, yes, they'll lose some money by losing those twenty-four games a year, but they should see a near offset in profits when you add up international ticket sales and merchandise. Whatever. Bud Selig needs to work that shit out. I'm a blogger, not an economist.

So, we've got the season starting in February, playing regular season games overseas for two months, returning to the states in April, and playing through the regular season as usual for the next four months until July.

And when August rolls around? The NFL starts its preseason (which is worthless), and Major League Baseball has the stage to themselves for the playoffs and World Series. A totally blank sports landscape except for America's Pasttime.
Another added bonus: August television is unbearably horrible. Reality shows are on every night, there's no new House or Office or Heroes or any of the shows that people usually watch. I'm not a Neilsen Ratings expert, but the Olympics were just on and had millions and millions of viewers for "sports" like badminton, fencing, and water polo. I think you'll get people to tune in for the World Series. Plus, the Latinos and Japanese are more emotionally involved, and they all watch too. Ratings bonanza. Advertising dollars would rival that of the Super Bowl, and make up for even more of the discrepancy from fewer domestic games.

Listen, I know this post has gone on far too long, but here's my thesis statement:

Baseball is far too good of a sport to be on during football season, because football is even better, and will always trump baseball, even playoff baseball. There's just no reason why we should have to choose between the two.

OK. That's all. I think I've ungrinded my gears. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.