Week 6 SNF Blog

Week 5 Picks, SHIVA STYLE

After another 0-3 week, my bookie left this picture under my windshield wiper with PAY UP scrawled in chicken blood.

Week 5 lines are out. But honestly, I'm TERRIBLE at this. I need a diversion from my atrocious picks. What could possibly be worse than my gambling picks, and yet still be relevant to a fantasy football blog? Hmmm...it's got to be terrible...and yet fantasy football related...

Hey did anybody know The League's season premiere was tonight?? That'll do nicely!!!

I DVR'd tonight's episode, and I'll be watching in chunks, and writing my gut reactions as I deem appropriate. Maybe Craig's right and I just haven't given this show a chance yet. Joining me for this very special featurette are two of my best friends: a glass of bourbon (neat), and a baby monitor with gently cooing whale noises. Let us begin!!

PREQUEL: God. Dammit. Craig. You told me that Shiva Bowl Shuffle video was a "dream sequence." No. It wasn't. That was apparently real, as the cold open of the show featured a guy making an awful Youtube video with two guys he owned on his fantasy team, and Brent Grimes, a defensive player NOBODY would own in fantasy, but I'm guessing if I looked real closely, would have the same agent as MJD and Sidney Rice. This is almost enough to make me stop right here. Powering through. Good of the blog. My three readers need me.

Gambling Pick 1: Arizona (+3, -130) over MINNESOTA - I like Kolb in the "Disgruntled Eagles QB Bowl". I really wish I could watch this game and try to comprehend that the Eagles were somehow a better team when these two guys were in charge of the offense.

ACT 1:
-There's a pied-piper character. That's actually kind of funny.
-WHOA HEY WATCH OUT GUYS we just got a Skinflute joke!! Holy shit, Matthew Berry was right, this show is RAW. Put the kids to BED!
-The league champion bought himself a championship ring that I'm sure was covered by his extravagant winnings. I came in 2nd in fantasy baseball and I'm thinking MAYBE I can afford to buy a upscale case of beer when the check comes in.
-There's a Middle Eastern soap opera cut scene that doesn't feel forced at all. It's good to know that other fantasy leagues make fun of Arabs too.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette is trying to train a dog! But she's got a dumb husband! Let's see if the dog training techniques will work on the dumb husband! Whooops, yeah, they do!! Guys are dumb animals!!!! Is this a Tampax ad???

Gambling Pick 2: Packers (-6, -115) over FALCONS - This line seems about 7 points too low. The Falcons beat the Eagles and squeaked by the Seahawks. The Packers are 4-0 and are the world champs. No brainer. In fact, this is my lock of the year. In an effort to dig out of my hole, I'm TRIPLING down on this game. 150 fake bucks on this one.

ACT 2:
-They're picking draft order! Nice, this was probably the most fun part of our league this year!
-Wait a minute. There's five people here. Is this a league where you start 4 quarterbacks?
-Jimmy Rollins turns a double play, setting the first two draft picks. Phils up in the bottom of the first. No, I'm kidding, they're picking from a cobra box. I liken this show to a bin, laden with Muslim humor.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette looks a little old. Ok, now she's Definitely Exactly My Type Brunette.
-Commercial already? That was one scene!

ACT 3:
-A LOUD DRUNKEN ARAB IN THE LEAGUE!! HA!! Where's the token Asian kid?
-Seth Rogen in the house! Guy who wipes down the loads!! They're shooting a porno now, BTW.
-OK, Seth is actually making the dialogue really family unfriendly.
-Whoa!! SHAMALYAN PLOT TWIST: Seth Rogen will NOT wipe down the loads!!! The driving plot point for the last ten minutes of this show is going to be who cleans up semen.
-Jesus, now I know why Craig gets all puffed up when he goes 2-1. The returning league champion in this show won't shut the fuck up about it for ten seconds. I've seen Mr. X like 150 times since he won our league last year. You know how many times he's mentioned it to me? Maybe 5. In a year. This guy just knocked out five between commercial breaks.

Gambling Pick 3: PANTHERS (+7, -115) over Saints - Panthers are 1-1 at home, the only loss a very respectable 7 point loss to the Packers. I'll say the familiarity between divisional opponents helps keep this one close, even though I just read a column two weeks ago how there's absolutely no truth to that theory.

FINAL(PleaseGod?) ACT:
-I'm actually lost on the plot here. Draft, porn, champ's having a ROSE CEREMONY (now who's gay for watching the Bachelor?), pied piper's friends all hate him.
-Oh! Got it now! Guys are locked out on the roof. Autodraft is about to happen but there's a porn shoot downstairs. There are four people up here and they all have cell phones so this should be pretty easy to fix. Just call somebody, and tell him to pause the draft. Right?
-Not right! There's a chick getting nailed on top of a keyboard. Her rhythmic gyrations are making the picks for everybody!!!
-The autodraft picks are scrolling by on the monitor. Honestly there weren't terrible for the most part, but then Robbie Gould's name came up. This was probably the hardest I've laughed all show.
-A guy just fisted a chick while wearing the championship ring. Typing that hurt me harder than it hurt the girl I'm sure.
-ROLL CREDITS.

And that, lovers, was the last time I ever watched The League.

WEEK 4: 0-3, Bet $150, Claimed $0
SEASON: 2-8-2, Bet $600, Claimed $287.12 DOWN $312.88

College football viewer's guide - Week 5

Gather 'round friends! Losing money is a group activity.

Editor's note: A new weekly feature on the must-see college games of the week.

Week 5 slate:

12 p.m. EDT - #3 Oklahoma (4-0) at #11 Texas (4-0) (game at Jerry World).

TV - ABC national broadcast

Line - Texas +9.5 - O/U 56.5

Preview - Texas and OU are both undefeated but are vastly different teams. The Longhorns are coming off their worst season in years and OU is coming off it's first BCS bowl victory in years. Texas has played no one in Iowa St, Rice, a terrible UCLA team and a mediocre BYU squad. The Sooners pounded FSU in Tallahassee, survived a scare from Mizzou at home, and beat up on Tulsa and Ball St. The Mizzou game effectively dropped them from #1 to #3. Texas is still trying out a two-QB system and we're all familiar with the pitfalls of such an operation.

The pick - OU 34 - Texas 21. Landry Jones and OU's passing attack is too much for the Longhorns. The Sooners cover and just miss the over.

3:30 p.m. EDT - Miami (Fl.) (2-2) at #21 Virginia Tech (4-1)

TV - ABC regional, reverse mirror on ESPN

Line - VT -8.5 - O/U 44

Preview - This is a gut-check game for two teams trying to stay in the Coastal Division race in the ACC. Perennial flopper Clemson gave VT a taste of its own medicine last week in Blacksburg, smothering the Hokies with defense and speed en route to a 23-3 victory that shocked the home crowd. It was VT's first test of the season and they failed miserably. Miami comes to town as a tough team to read. They lost at Maryland to a very mediocre Terps team. They dismantled the Buckeyes in South Beach, but that game looks less and less impressive with each passing week. Then they were unable to stop one-dimensional Kansas St. on their home field. K-state just upset Baylor, so it's not a terrible loss, but still. It's been a tough year for first-year coach Al Golden and the losing certainly doesn't help.

The pick - VT 30 - Miami 27. The Hurricanes are still too undisciplined for me to pick them outright in this game, but they'll cover. Also, neither defense is amazing, so I'm not sure what's going on with O/U. Pound the over.

7 p.m. EDT - #15 Auburn (4-1) at #10 Arkansas (4-1)

TV - ESPN

Line - Arkansas -10 - O/U 63

Preview - I have to admit, I think both of these teams are living off of the SEC hype. For the second straight week Texas A&M outplayed a team (Arkansas) only to give the game away. Auburn lost something like 96 dudes from their championship squad of a year ago and give up a lot of points. Both are coming off emotional, come-from-behind victories that saw them score the clinching touchdown with less than 3 minutes to play. Arkansas does it through the air with the SEC's #1 passing attack. Auburn features a balanced attack and averages just over 180 yards/game on the ground and through the air. The problem for the Tigers is they're giving up 440 yards/game, are slightly more vulnerable to the pass than the run, and have surrendered 16 touchdowns this season. Auburn should not be in the top 25 and as the meat of their season kicks into gear, that will come to fruition.

The pick - Arkansas 48 Auburn 23. I think the Razorbacks are ready for some revenge after losing at Auburn 65-43 last year in one of college football's most ridiculous, lack-of-defense games I've ever seen. The Hogs cover the spread and the over.

 

Week 4 Photo Finish: Family Fun Time!!

Aaron finally has all the necessary components to re-create this picture!

Aaron got the gift of a healthy baby boy this weekend. Will he also get the gift of a Week 4 PHOTO FINISH WIN? He's down to only Dallas Clark, and he'll need 15.5 points to overtake Shawn. Well all know by now that the Colts are low-octane on offense, and with Curtis Painter making his first ever NFL start, they'll probably be even worse than the first 3 weeks.

HOWEVA, I'm a huge believer in the "young QBs love throwing to tight ends as a security blanket" theorem. Subscribing to such a theorem, I'll say Clark does indeed get a touchdown tonight. So there's 6 points right off the top. That leaves 9 points to close the gap. In that case, 6 catches for 65 yards would do it. I think that's realistic for one of the game's best tight ends. In our first somewhat shocking Monday Night finish of the season, Aaron leapfrogs Shawn for the win.

BASEBLOG: Phils-Cards Game 2

This is already my favorite feature on the blog. The last two were exceptional. And that's when we were watching football, a sport with non-stop action. During a baseball game, when you can sort of drift in and out during all the pickoff attempts and mound meetings...we're easily going to be 60% funnier. Now somebody please get Deewaan in on this thing.

Week 4 NFL Picks: Can I Borrow Some Money?

Fabulous riches await at a reasonable 90% APR!!

So last week was a disaster. 0-3. Not uncommon. There used to be some gambling sites where you paid 10 dollars for a week's worth of games. You bet them all, and if you got all 16 right you would get a million bucks or something like that. But they also paid out if you LOST every game. Maybe that should have been my angle instead.

Anyway, Week 4 lines are out.

Bills (-3, -120) over BENGALS - Two ways to look at this: either the Bills are emotionally spent after rallying to squash the Patriots last weekend and this is the letdown game, or the Bills are a legit 3-0 team playing an awful Bengals team and this line's about four points too low. I'll go with the latter.

Vikings (-2, -115) over CHIEFS - Vikings aren't THAT bad. Like, not 0-16 bad. Gotta win sometime, this week's as good as any.

Steelers (+4, -115) over TEXANS - I can't imagine too many teams the Steelers would get 4 points against. It's not a long list. The Texans are not one of the teams that should be on that list.

WEEK 3: 0-3, Bet $150, Claimed $0!
SEASON: 2-5-2, Bet $450, Claimed $287.12, DOWN $162.88

Week 3 Photo Finishes: BOO THIS MAN!

And STAY DOWN!

27.7 points. That's all it would take for Mike to leapfrog Aaron tonight and pick up win #1. His sole representative is Santana Moss, long time boil on the asscheek of The Heftington Post. Rationally or not, I despise this man. If you're keeping track on your Heftington Post Haterometer, he's juuuuust a notch to the right of Cedric Benson and his cloven hoofs, so close to Steve Smith he can practically taste his B.O., and about 1000 spots to the left of St. Matthew of Stafford.

This week, only 3 receivers went over 27.7. Wes Welker (45.6 pts) was one. The other two were future Hall of Famers Torrey Smith (41.7) and Victor Cruz (28.5). The odds are certainly long. The Cowboys are vulnerable against the pass, but 27.7 is a big number. Like either 2 TD's or 175 yards big. I could see Moss breaking free for a long touchdown, but he's not a volume guy. He's a big play fluke guy. My guess, Moss plays just well enough to nab Mike another Golden Dong trophy, but not overtake Aaron.

Here We Go Again: Steelers-Colts Live Blog

Week 3 Gambling Picks: Stupid Concussions

Above: The only place currently taking action on Eagles-Giants.

Not a big buildup here since I did Power Rankings yesterday. The Week 3 lines are out. Sort of. A bunch of games don't have lines right now, this usually means a quarterback is hurt. That's definitely the case in Eagles-Giants and Cowboys-Redskins. I don't know what's going on with the other ones.

Lions (-4, -105) over VIKINGS: Oooh! Hefty's going against the popular opinion (remember last week's discussion of -110 being the normal return on an evenly distributed bet...) for the first time all season. And maybe it's just me, but I didn't even feel like I was going out on a limb. Peterson is a monster, but Detroit's defensive line is one of the best in the league. We all know McNabb's tires are all out of tread. And yes, I know back in Week 1 I said Detroit was a bad road team, but it's time to start looking at this year's Lions team as a rebirth of a once awful franchise.

BROWNS (-3, +110) over Dolphins: This one's really going against the grain. A positive return means I stand to win $55 on my $50 bet. Neither of these teams really do anything that excites me, but I'll take my chances that the home team, who has one of the more intimidating home stadiums in the league at that, prevails in a battle of bad teams. Run, Peyton, Run.

BEARS (+4, -115) over Packers: The upset special. I like the Bears in this game outright, honestly. The bad blood is obvious, but last year's NFC Championship should still be fresh in the Bears minds. Packers secondary is banged up; they'll be without CB Tramon Williams, and S Nick Collins.

WEEK 2: 1-1-1, Bet $150, Claimed $141.67

SEASON: 2-2-2, Bet $300, Claimed $287.12, DOWN $12.88

Week 2 Power Rankings: Premature Congratulations

If you want this kid's trophy, you'll have to pry it out of his cold, dead, juvenile diabetic hands.

Look, we're two weeks in. We may think we know how this season's panning out, but really, it's two weeks. As defending league champion Mr. X reminded me, two years ago he started out 2-0 and went 1-11 over the final 11 weeks. It's early. In fact, in the interest of keeping this purposely muddled and brief, we're doing only one or two lines of commentary for each team.

1. Adam (2-0, 316.8 pts)

2. Shelby (2-0, 348.7 pts)

I give Adam a nod because Brady isn't a huge advantage over Brees, but Ray Rice certainly is over Peyton Hillis. Besides, Shelby's team has been hit HARD by the injury bug (Austin, Manningham, Aaron Hernandez) and I see him struggling a little for the next week or two.

3. Aaron (1-1, 243.1)

4. Jordan (0-2, 246.6)

Take your pick, but both teams have dynamic duos at running back (Peterson and Forte, McCoy and McFadden), but I give the nod to the team with the proven QB that's underachieving (Roethlisberger) instead of the overachieving rookie (Cam Newton).

5. Craig (1-1, 270.3)

By the way, your 2011 Keynote Speakers at the Overachievement Conference: Ryan Fitzpatrick, Jahvid Best, and Fred Jackson. Double down on those Bills, Craigger!

6. Ryan (2-0, 259.8)

The defending champ is 2-0, which is probably all the reason I need to give for putting him in the top half of the rankings.

7. Dave (1-1, 253.6)

8. Mike (0-2, 245.4)

Love Dave's Megatron-Welker-Mike Williams troika. That's enough to get the edge over Mike's squad, which has a few more question marks as I see it.

9. Melvin (0-2, 210.1)

This team could make some noise, it's just waiting for Chris Johnson to break out of hibernation.

10. Rich (2-0, 210.2)

He's won the "Winning By The Skin Of Your Ballbag" award PRESENTED BY GMC, twice already. He isn't scoring but neither are his opponents. Irony Dept: Chad Ochocinco is currently 85th in WR scoring.

11. Shawn (1-1, 208.6)

I still say Flacco dooms this team. Shawn has some sleeping giants at WR though.

12. Hefty (0-2, 206.7)

I call shenanigans on Katy Perry. I really don't think she's the type of girl who's having casual group sex, getting blackout drunk, and committing arrestable crimes on a weekly basis. Oh, and my team blows by the way.

Grade The Trade: Melvin's Clearinghouse Edition

Matt Melvin wants to seeya in a Kia!

The Trade: Melvin sends Malcom Floyd and Ahmad Bradshaw to Mr. X in exchange for Reggie Wayne and Ryan Grant.

The Breakdown: Melvin makes his second (!!!) trade of the young season, in your classic "Bad WR-Good RB for Good WR-Bad RB" deal. Every single player in this trade comes with a question mark. For Floyd, it's a groin injury and low reception totals. For Bradshaw, it's injury history and Brandon Jacobs vulturing the goal line carries. For Reggie Wayne, it's the Colts' sagging offense behind Kerry Collins. For Ryan Grant, it's losing his job to James Starks. The best way to look at this deal is to see what it does to each team's lineups.

Melvin - With CJ2K and Ryan Matthews in tow, Melvin could afford to jettison a running back in order to get Braylon Edwards out of his WR3 spot. He now boasts a very solid receiving crew of Maclin, Wayne, and Devery Henderson, who keeps the seat warm until Marques Colston's collarbone is back in one piece. Overall, Melvin didn't subtract too much from his lineup, and made a nice addition. Ryan Grant now likely fills the RB4 spot behind CJ Spiller.

Mr. X - With his entire bench a MASH Unit (seriously, go check his team out. Everybody on the bench is questionable, other than the Saints D and Sam Bradford), X needed a healthy body at RB. He got one, and the fact that Bradshaw is playing the atrocious Eagles run defense this week is a delicious perk. Whether or not you think Ryan won this trade really comes down to whether or not you want to trust Steve Smith (CAR) week in and week out. With a WR3 you have that flexibility. With a WR2, you do not. Listen, I know Cam Newton is making a star out of Smith so far this season, but that well's going to dry up faster than Chaz Bono's discarded ovaries (High five for the tranny joke, bro!!!). I understand the need for Ryan to have done something to address the need at RB. I'm just not certain this was the best move to make for overall roster structure. If I were in his shoes, you bet your sweet bippy I would have been trying to sell high on Smith.

My Grade: Melvin improves his 2011 trade record to 2-0 with another slight victory.

Week 2 Photo Finishes: Now With 50% Less Drama!

Pictured: The only way Rich can lose tonight.

Well this week's Photo Finish column is even easier to write than last week's, so let's knock it out.

Shelby, Davis and Mr. X have all clinched a win.

Craig beat Melvin unless Ahmad Bradshaw has a 44 point game in store for Melvin tonight, which is really just a longer way of saying Craig beat Melvin.

Aaron holds on over Jordan, who is down 35 points with only the Giants D/ST left in the tank.

The only whiff of suspense comes from our most ethnically diverse matchup, between Rich and Shawn. Rich is up by 4.5 points and has Hakeem Nicks and Brandon Gibson playing tonight. Shawn is down to only his kicker, Josh Brown. Really the only way there'd be any drama here is if Nicks wasn't playing (he's currently listed as Questionable), but all indications this morning are that he's a go. Two catches and 35 yards or so from Nicks should be enough to put this one out of range for a kicker to make up the difference. Rich cruises comfortably tonight.

PROGRAMMING NOTE: I'm not doing Power Rankings every week (obviously), but after Week 2 seems like a good time to take the league's temperature. I'll try to get something up by mid-week. If you bozos want to make any trades, I'd be more than willing to grade those for you as well. That's my new thing now, I'm calling everybody bozo.

The FIRST EVER Heftington Post Live Blog!!

Ok, I'm about the least tech-savvy blogger on the planet, but we're going to give this a try. You know how during a big game, we text each other jokes or we hop on the e-mail and beat a dead horse about Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robot movies? Well imagine all that, only in REAL TIME. No waiting for your iPhone to vibrate, just live feedback and copious amounts of hilarity.

I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THIS WORKS, but Kissing Suzy Kolber uses it a lot and apparently it does. Due to our small number of readers, this is actually ideal, it should be much easier to follow the conversation. Come check it out on Sunday night, I'll be on for the entirety of the Eagles-Falcons game, even if it's just me on there and I'm telling myself all the awesome jokes.

Di Di Mau!! Your Week 2 Gambling Fix!!

My goal here would be 17 straight Simpsons gambling pictures. 2 for 2 so far!

Some real interesting lines this week. Did you ever think you'd see a day when the once 0-16 Lions would be favored by 8.5 points? What about the Steelers, who got pasted last week, giving 14.5 points against the Seahawks? How about the Bears, who thumped the Falcons last week, getting 7 points against the Saints? Is the Superdome really that hostile?? I'm staying away from all these games, though. Here's the three I'm putting my hard earned Monopoly money on.

Dallas (-3, -115) over SAN FRANCISCO: I know it sounds crazy, but if the Cowboys start 0-2, Jason Garrett's gotta be on the hot seat, right? Jerry might be especially trigger happy with one of the hottest coaching names in the NFL, Rob Ryan, waiting in the wings on the sidelines. I think this is an early must-win for the Cowboys, and I don't think the Niners are all that good. If the Cowboys kick to Ted Ginn, they deserve to lose.

San Diego (+7, -110) over NEW ENGLAND: Patriots, as great as they looked, 1) were playing the Dolphins, 2) have a short week after the Monday Night game, 3) lost one of their best offensive linemen, Dan Koppen to a broken ankle. Koppen has only missed one game in the last five years, and is one of the guys who keeps Brady's pants clean every weekend. Could be a big factor. I like San Diego outright in this one, but wouldn't be confident enough to bet the moneyline, which hasn't been released on Bodog yet anyway.

Tampa Bay (+3, -120) over MINNESOTA: I'm going to be stubborn on the Bucs. I have a hard time believing that Donovan McNabb, who failed to throw for more than 40 yards last week, can duplicate the success that Matthew Stafford had against the Buccaneers D. Aqib Talib and Ronde Barber will keep the clamps tight on McNabb's downfield weapons. The biggest question mark for me is if the Bucs offense can put points on the board, but without the Williams Wall that Minnesota is so used to relying on, the Bucs should be able to run the ball right down the Vikings throat.
Novice gambling tip: The -120 here means a lot of people are betting the Bucs on this particular line. I am lowering my potential winnings for what seems like a surer thing. I'm betting with the majority of people against Vegas on this one, and the majority's record versus Vegas is, as you can guess, not very good.

WEEK 1: 1-1-1
SEASON: 1-1-1
MONEY IN: $150
CASHED OUT: $145.45 (Won $95.45 on my $50 Eagles bet, Got my $50 back on the Cardinals push)
NET: Down $4.55 on the season.

Week 1 Photo Finishes: Not A Lot of Mystery

Jordan has a raging clue right now.

Well, we have the rare blessing of two Monday Night games, but they don't carry a lot of intrigue with them as it relates to our Week 1 matchups. We can safely declare the following winners: Ryan, Davis, and Deewaan.

Shelby is also a lock despite currently being down 10 points to Aaron. He has Brady and Aaron Hernandez tonight while Aaron is out of bullets. Luckily for Aaron, Brady failed to reach double digits one time last year. Luckily for Shelby, it was his bye week.

Craig and Rich have a couple of wide receivers yet to go and a deadlock, but Rich's guys (Brandon Lloyd and Chad Ochocinco) are both better on their own than Craig's Jacoby Ford. The fact that it's two on one, and I think Rich ends up winning by 10 or more tonight.

I was also ready to write off Jordan (down 27 points, only Darren McFadden to play) entirely in his game against Shawn (BenJarvusGreenEllis), until I saw how many fantasy points McFadden had in last year's game against Denver, 48.6. While that's certainly reason for Jordan to have hope, I would expect Green-Ellis to be a factor at the goal line even if he doesn't see the bulk of the carries for New England tonight. Shawn will walk away from this one 1-0, but I think McFadden makes things interesting in the nightcap.

Free Money!! Your Week 1 NFL Picks

Crack open a white wine spritzer and join me for some Week 1 NFL picks!!

There are very few reasons why someone with a borderline gambling addiction would voluntarily stop gambling. Maybe he got in too deep with the mob. Maybe his bookie broke his legs. Maybe he replaced the thrill of the bet with Jesus or black tar heroin. Most of the time, though, it's because he's terrible at it and he has a moment of clarity. That was the case with me. After college, I had the glorious cocktail of a steady income, no local friends, no bills ($550 rent!! I would murder a family of 6 to pay that little again.), a gas leak in the apartment (maybe that explains the low rent), more boxed sangria than a quinceanara, and a Sportsbook.com account.

I bet. And I bet often. I lost often. When I won, I would roll that money into the next bet. I'll let you guess how that worked out.

Looking back now, I'm pretty sure my biggest problem was the way I bet. I made a lot of sucker bets like three-team parlays, promising a big payoff if I got three games right on the same day. I bet sports I didn't follow closely, like European soccer. I bet on longshots to win futures bets, like exact outcomes to seven game series. I bet ridiculous things like political outcomes (Hillary winning the presidency in 2008 would have brought in something like 35-1 when I placed the bet in 2005. No wonder I'm not an Obama fan.). Shit, I might have even laid some action on the Oscars one year if I'm remembering correctly. Did I mention the gas leak in my apartment yet?

Anyway, the point is I was spraying wildly with a shotgun when I should have been taking aim with a rifle. So, now I'm going to test my theory. Although I'm in no way going to gamble on any of these games with actual money (not a Bill Simmons-schtick, just spending all my spare coin on diapers lately), I'm going to make three NFL picks a week. We'll assume $50 per game, and I'll keep a running total throughout the year on how profitable or disastrous this NFL season would have turned out for me.

WEEK 1 LINES

TAMPA BAY (-1, -110) over Detroit: I like both of these teams this year. Tampa is an up and coming team that I could see in the playoffs, and Detroit has a great defensive line and a lot of young offensive weapons. The problem here is that Detroit has won a total of 2 road games in the past three years and they come into this game as more or less a pick 'em. I'll take Freeman and the Bucs to win their home opener.

Philadelphia (-5 1/2, -110) over ST. LOUIS: The dream team's season gets underway in St. Louis, and while the Rams can't be taken lightly, they certainly can't match the overall talent level of the Eagles. I see a Eagles offense with oodles of speed that gets to play on turf, and a young opposing QB in Sam Bradford, who gets first crack at navigating the choppy Nnamdi-DRC-Asante waters to move his team down the field. Don't see it happening.

ARIZONA (-7, -110) over Carolina: Cam Newton's first NFL start, on the road. If Kevin Kolb doesn't get a Stone Cold Stunner in the first half of the season like he did last year, I think the Cards win big.

Division Preview 4 of 4: The Shitbirds

Aaron, Jordan, and Deewaan have already staked their claim as preseason darlings in their divisions. Who will be the fourth?

Tiebreaker this year is "most faces punched."

HEFTY: I've been playing fantasy for about 15 years now. Drafted two or three teams most years. I can't ever remember drafting a lesser running back duo than LeGarrette and DeAngelo. They're underwhelming in every way possible. The strange thing? I'm not worried about it one bit. LeGarrette has me hypnotized with thoughts that he'll be a 15 TD guy this year. The guy is a mentally unstable bulldozer. I watched the Oregon facepunch video like ten times the other day. I love him. DeAngelo has at one point in his life been a 20 TD guy. I'm not saying he'll come close this year. But I like him as a #2, especially when I've got his platoon buddy Jonathan Stewart. Hopefully Ron Rivera settles on a favorite, something John Fox could never do.

The Vick pick is certainly risky, but guys who put up 60 point weeks make that risk easier to stomach. I love my WRs, as I said before, they're all high-volume target and catch guys. I am completely glass-half-full on my team this year.

I know that LOOKS like Dez Bryant, but really, I just snuck in a picture of me taking a leisurely jog to change things up. This site can't be football players all the time.

DAVIS: You know, for a guy who finished 5th in scoring last year, Brees was frustrating to own. He only gave one monster game, when I was counting on a few. Consistent as they come though. Ray Rice is a perennial favorite of mine, especially the way he piles up catches out of the backfield. Beanie Wells, while still awful, at least doesn't appear to have any competition for the first time in his NFL career. Dez Bryant is in my team's division in the NFL and fantasy this year which scares the bejeezus out of me. He's ridiculously skilled. Kenny Britt doesn't play the Eagles this season, so there go half of his points. Plax will get his share of red-zone chances, not sure how many catches overall he'll get though. I was all ready to congratulate Adam on his TE-K-D ranks of 1-1-3 , until I realized I'm rolling with 2-3-2.

Pylon!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAH MY LEG!!!!

RYAN: X marks the spot where horrible first round picks are made. Arian Foster tweeted his hamstring's MRI yesterday and apparently the people who know these type of things say he can't play for a few weeks. The problem with these injuries are that they nag, and you have to rest them. Tough break, neighbor. Luckily, your RB2 is Knowshon Moreno, and he missed 3 games to a hamstring injury himself last year. Wait, that's not lucky at all. That's a fragile backfield. Have the antacids ready up until kickoff every week while you wait to see if these guys are playing. Mike Wallace is a pimp, but Reggie Wayne ties into my Peyton concerns and I think he'll have a down year too. Steve Smith finished 70th in WR scoring last year, and has Cam Newton throwing to him now. He's not a fantasy starter anymore. And I'm not breaking any news to Ryan, but the bench players here are all either old, hurt, or just kind of suck.

YOUR 2011 SHITBIRD DIVISION CHAMPIONS: No repeat for Ryan this year. In fact, no playoffs either. The smart money's probably on Davis here, but I've never made a smart bet in my life. Hefty takes the division.

Division Preview 3 of 4: The Dickbags

One week until the NFL season kicks off!!! Let's get the rest of the division previews taken care of.

Holding up that giant noggin? I'm just surprised his neck didn't give out earlier.

CRAIG: I'm worried about Peyton. Like I think he's definitely going to regret playing with a neck injury. Like I think he's going to make it much worse or play badly because of it. There were a bunch of times late in Favre's career where he tried to gut out injuries because he was a tough guy who had to play every game, but the fact that he was injured hurt his team worse than him sitting out and letting a healthy backup play. Peyton's going to have a rough season. Like outside of the top 15 quarterbacks. I'm calling it right now.

Now having said that, I'll admit that's awfully hunchy of me and not a good reason to say Craig misses the playoffs. In fact, there's enough pieces on the roster (including backup Ryan Fitzpatrick who can be good in streaks) that a playoff run is still likely. I don't love Craig's starting running backs but I'm guessing most people would take them over my two guys. It's a deep crew here, and guys like Lynch and Pierre Thomas can always spot start for a few weeks. One spot where Craig shouldn't have to do much lineup tweaking is at WR, where he spent two top picks on Andre Johnson and Larry Fitz. That's an incredible 1-2 punch, especially in our scoring format. I'm not ready to declare Craig the division favorite here, so let's move on.

Jeremy Maclin, seen here in full pads after his drastic offseason weight loss.

MELVIN: I was watching Sports Center last night and somebody said Philip Rivers should be the #1 fantasy pick. Obviously that's stupid and that guy lost all credibility right then and there, but think about it: quarterbacks always score the most points. Would you be surprised one bit if Rivers was the top scoring QB? He could be the top scorer in the league. Intriguing. Chris Johnson was a great pick for Melvin a round later than he should have been, and although right now he's a holdout, these things almost always work out with the guy getting some sort of deal and playing. Vincent Jackson last year was the exception, not the rule. Ahmad Bradshaw is the fantasy football equivalent of a high-fiber diet; a solid, dependable number 2. Let's play word association with the WRs. Colston - Declining. Maclin - IV drip. Malcom Floyd - Unproven. Braylon Edwards - Frustrating. Jerome Simpson - Bengal. Earl Bennett - Waiver wire. Yeah, I don't like these guys. Next?

Wow, you're right Coach. Those are some incredibly big TD's!

DAVE: Maybe the worst thing to happen to Matt Schaub is the Texans' attempt to fix their defense this offseason. Schaub was awesome BECAUSE the defense in Houston was so bad. Every game seemed like a garbage-time shootout. Hopefully Schaub can still get the ball in his hands late in the game because that's a fantasy goldmine. MoJo is a pretty good consolation prize for picking last, but the RB2 situation is dire from where I sit. Shonn Greene, Joe Addai, Danny Woodhead are going to have to be a patchwork quilt to try to get production out of this spot. Love the WRs here, Megatron and the Good Mike Williams are touchdown magnets, and even though Welker is banged up, Dave made a lot of smart picks late who could all play WR3 (Julio Jones, Amendola, Nate Washington always has a good game or two) if Welker misses time. Good squad. Jimmy Graham is an intriguing pickup who SAW SOME BIG TD'S late in the season. Pretty solid team. If I were the GM, I'd look to swap out some WR depth for an upgrade at RB2.

YOUR 2011 DICKBAGS DIVISION CHAMPION: Let's look at some facts. Dave is habitually terrible at managing his team over the course of a season, and Craig always makes three or four smart moves along the way to add useful pieces and get himself a playoff spot. But if I had to pick one of these three rosters to go into the season with, I'm picking Dave's. This is a solid roster with less question marks (in my mind) than either of the other two teams, and I don't think it will need a lot of tinkering along the way. Dave wins the division title with Craig nipping at his heels.

Division Preview 2 of 4: The Cocksmiths

We continue our Power Rankings with a trip to the Cocksmiths Division. Wield your tool and join me!

As you can tell by his retarted Spanish name, Chad is totally taking things seriously now.

RICH: Before his injury last year, Tony Romo didn't have a game where he posted under 20 points. That's the kind of incredible consistency you need to have from your quarterback. I'll be watching Rich's running backs like a hawk this year. I almost took Charles at 3 and Gore in the 3rd round. I'm sure I'll have plenty of chances to kick myself. The WR crew is, if nothing else, intriguing. I'm a big believer in Hakeem Nicks, and think Ochocinco could easily be a 8-10 touchdown guy once again in his new uniform. I'm skeptical of Brandon Lloyd's chances of repeating his 2010 numbers, but even a 25% dropoff would be solid WR2 numbers for Rich. There's plenty of useful bench pieces here too. I'm really liking this team overall. Rich can expect a multitude of trade offers from me once again this season.

Flacco on his backo!

SHAWN: First things first. Shawn has tastefully changed his name from al-Qaeda porn to some sort of a Shelby cover band. Now onto the talent...Flacco has rounded out into a niche as a fringe starter/top backup in fantasy. As Shawn was the last guy to grab a QB, I've got to say it shows. This is the weak link of the team for sure. I don't love the running backs here but Mendenhall is basically LeGarrette Blount if LeGarrette Blount were good. And I drafted Blount, so I have no room to talk. Greg Jennings is the best weapon on the best quarterback in the league's team. That's a plus. DeSean, Anquan and Owen Daniels seem like they're all made of peanut brittle, but I like the overall depth on Shawn's bench. I like this team but not enough to say he's got an edge over Rich.

Double Dwaynebowe!!

JORDAN: I am bullish on Josh Freeman. Think he's got all the tools to be a great quarterback, and the fact that he uses his legs like he does is only going to help his fantasy value. I think Jordan's going to get great production out of Freeman for a low price. What that allowed him to do is load up at RB. The Irish Twins (awful nickname that you'll see approximately 60 times on this blog this year), McFadden and McCoy are just an awesome 1-2 punch. I thought McFadden might go in Round 1, but then again, I thought Tom Brady might go in Round 3. Dwayne Bowe is the rare fantasy receiver who can win a week by himself, as he did a few times last year. He can also put up a donut, so beware. Love Santonio Holmes as a 2, and think you can do enough platooning between Harvin/Bess/Evans to have a serviceable starter most weeks at 3. The only real negative I can say here is shame on you for taking the Cowboys D.

YOUR 2011 COCKSMITHS DIVISION CHAMPION: I like Jordan in a very tight race down the stretch over Rich.

2011 Penn State Season Preview

It's that time of year again. The leaves turn, the air chills, the coach breaks a hip. It's time for PENN STATE FOOTBALL!!



"Seriously, I'm totally fine. 100%."






Let's take some time to breakdown the good, the bad and the ugly for our beloved squad.

The Good

Even though last year was a mitigated disaster by most accounts, there are many bright spots on the team this season.

Secondary - This is the most veteran unit on the team. Everyone returns and the unit will start 4 seniors. The starting lineup will be Nick Sukay and Drew Astornio at safety and Chaz Powell and D'Anton Lynn at corner. You will see some younger guys that have significant playing experience rotated in as well. At safety, Malcom Willis took over and played very well when Sukay tore his pectoral last year (ouch!). At corner, Stephon Morris and Derrick Thomas will provide nickel depth and are good enough to start if the unit sees any injuries.

Linebackers - Addition by subtraction here. Bani and Colasanti are gone. Both are currently camp fodder in the NFL. It's almost inexplicable how much they played last year with the talent behind them. The starters will be senior Mike Mauti and junior Gerald Hodges on the outside. Surprising redshirt freshman Glenn Carson will man the middle. Senior Nate Stupar provides depth along with very talented underclassmen sophomore Khairi (Kye-ree) Fortt and redshirt freshman Mike Hull.

Wideouts - A veteran group that can stretch the field is led by senior Derek Moye, who has the opportunity to end his career as one of the greats at Dear Old State. The wide receivers have the potential to be the best in the B10. Junior Justin Brown is going to be special and the slot will be occupied by a mix of mighty-mite DeVon Smith, Curtis Drake and freshman Bill Belton. Drake is back from a serious broken leg which cause him to miss all of 2010. Sophomores Shawney Kersey and Christian Kuntz provide depth on the outside.

Runningbacks - All-time rushing leader Evan Royster is gone to the NFL, but there is a stable of backs ready to fill his shoes and they will do so quite adequately. True sophomore Silas Redd brings his sparkling talents to the starting role. Keep an eye on this kid. He is truly special. Like really effing good. For depth, Bradon Beachum is back from an ACL redshirt and Curtis Dukes will push for short-yardage carries. Veterans Joe Suhey and Mike Zordich line up at FB and provide a nice mix of receiving skills, devastating blocking and short yardage running. 5th year senior Stephon Green was recently kicked off the team by Paterno, but the team petitioned Joe to bring him back on. Paterno agreed. Once Green is out of the doghouse, he'll provide a 3rd down receiving option and leadership that was sorely missing last year. Rumor is he was suspended for smoking ganja.

The Bad

Defensive line - Penn State had only 17 sacks last year and only TEN from the Dline!! In 2009, we had 37 and in 2008 we had 33! This is clearly an area for improvement. Our entire defensive scheme is predicated on getting pressure on the QB and forcing quick/bad decisions. If the dline is unable to do so, we get shredded. Already down for the year is 2010 surprise Pete Massaro. He's gone with a torn ACL. Starters Jack Crawford and Eric Lattimore are back. Both seniors MUST show something to keep their starting jobs. At tackle, senior Devon Still has reportedly made progress and had a very fine Outback bowl last year. Jordan Hill will replace the departed Ollie Ogbu. Tackle depth is provided by DaQuan Jones and James Terry. Sean Stanley and Kyle Baublitz provide depth at end.

Tight ends - A real unknown. Andrew Sczerba is finally back for his senior season after missing the last TWO seasons with a back injury. He is talented, but lacking experience. Gary Gilliam is reported out for this year with a blown knee that he suffered at the end of last season. True sophomore Kevin Haplea returns. Word is former OT, Nate Cadogan is still at TE and will be 3rd string.

Offensive line - It took a long time for the line to get into last season and that was with an NFL starter manning RG and seniors at C and RT. From left to right it the season will start with Quinn Barham - Johnnie Troutman - Matt Stankiewitch - Johnny Urschel - Chima Okoli. Who knows. Not expecting much. Lots of talent has been recruited and not developed. It's a consistent theme.

The Ugly

Quarterback - You can't win with two qbs. Especially two mediocre qbs, which is exactly what we have right now. I love Bolden's potential. I don't like anything about McGloin. They're both going to play and I'm not in favor of that strategy. I was hoping Bolden would show up and dominate, but that hasn't happened. I'd still prefer him because he can make all of the throws but he's still young and struggling with reading defenses. McGloin has a candy arm and tries to be Bret Favre.

Kicker - Colin Wagner is gone, leaving the kicking duties to either punter Anthony Fera or true freshman Sam Ficken. Oh, except Fera is suspended for his third underage citation in three years. What can I say, kid loves Cruzan rum. So basically we'll be having a freshman place kicker and Alex Butterworth (not kidding) punting against the best team we'll play all year. Disaster awaits. Not a good situation.

Joe - I love the guy, but give it up already. He'll be 85 in December. EIGHTY-FUCKING-FIVE.

Schedule:
9/3 - vs. Indiana State - 12pm - BTN
9/10 - vs. Alabama (White out) - 3:30pm - ABC
9/17 - @ Temple - TBA
9/24 - vs. Eastern Michigan - 12pm - BTN
10/1 - @ Indiana - TBA
10/8 - vs. Iowa - TBA
10/15 - vs. Purdue (Homecoming) - 12pm - TBA
10/22 - @ Northwestern - 7pm - BTN
10/29 - vs. Illinois - TBA
11/5 - BYE
11/12 - vs. Nebraska - TBA
11/19 - @ Ohio State - TBA
11/26 - @ Wisconsin - TBA

Predicted wins - Indiana State, Temple, Eastern Michigan, Indiana, Iowa, Purdue, Illinois, Northwestern, Nebraska

Predicted losses - Alabama, Ohio State, Wisconsin

9-3, invited to the Gator Bowl

GET UP STATE!!

Division Preview 1 of 4: Asshats

I love this year's four division wrinkle. I think it's going to make some new rivalries, and a lot of exciting match-ups down the stretch. In lieu of my normal 1-12 post-draft Power Rankings, I'm going to preview each division and make my prediction for who takes the automatic playoff bid this season. Up first are the Asshats.

You better be taking this serious, jerkoff, you're Mike's #1 WR.

MIKE: Although he was the second (ed: third, thanks Craigger) QB taken, Aaron Rodgers is the safest pick among quarterbacks, and is the kind of player who can singlehandedly win weeks. That's going to have to be the case here because I can't see the wide receivers helping the cause too much. Steve Johnson was a guy I was targeting late as a WR3. I love the occasional multi-touchdown games, the Joker persona he's adopted, and the Twitter tirades. But there's no chance he's a WR1 in any fantasy league. Somebody made an awesome joke at the live draft yesterday: "I'm always excited when I play a team with Santana Moss in the starting lineup." That awesome jokester, dear readers, WAS ME. Having Gates is like having an extra WR, but in this case, there's too much to overcome here. Mike's running back situation (Turner, SJax) can be devastating at times, and can be sitting in the ice bath nursing injuries at times. I don't think this team has the horses to take the division, but a playoff spot is a strong possibility if Steven Jackson stays healthy.

Eyerape. The world's most gentle, consensual kind of rape.

AARON: Big Ben was a sneaky good value for where he went in the draft. He could easily finish with Rivers-Brees type points and I wouldn't be surprised one bit. FOUR Pittsburgh receivers got drafted yesterday, which either means Roethlisberger's going to be throwing a ton or we're all terrible at picking players. I'd drown a pit bull to have Aaron's running back tandem, Forte going one spot before my third round pick made me audibly curse at the dinner table. I think the best way to describe Aaron's wide receiving crew is not overly talented but deep. There's a lot of good WR3 options behind VJax (second Jax nickname this post!!), and Dallas Clark will be a catch machine either as Peyton's favorite target, or Kerry Collins' security blanket. I like this team over Mike's, I'll say that much for now.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The first ever scratch-and-sniff picture on The Heftington Post. Gently scratch Mr. Benson's face on your monitor to unleash the lovely scent of bong water.

SHELBY: Brady was a reach. Guess what, he's still Tom Brady. Big deal. Peyton Hillis was almost definitely a reach. But he finished second in RB points last year while playing for the awful Browns. It's the Cedric Benson pick here that worries me the most. If the Bengals average 10 points per game this season I'd be surprised. That's gotta be one of the worst offenses ever to set foot in an NFL stadium. They're young where you want experience (QB, top WR), and old where you want youth (RB). My foolproof strategy this year was to not pick any Bengals. I was trying to tack Cedric Benson onto every trade proposal I made last year and you would have thought I was asking people if they wanted to snort a line of anthrax. I feel like I could blog for the next two or three hours and still not have done a good enough job conveying how much I dislike Cedric Benson for fantasy purposes this year. If I must move on, I don't particularly love the WRs here, but they're probably the tallest midget in this division. Wait a minute, is that AJ Green? Another Bengal? GAH SHELBY'S GOT THE PLAGUE!!

YOUR 2011 ASSHAT DIVISION CHAMPION: Aaron. I'm feeling pretty confident on that one.

Grade The Trade: Draft Pick Edition!

The details of the Hefty-Melvin draft pick trade have been cemented. Let's take a look and see who got the better of the deal in hindsight.

HEFTY GETS: The #11 pick (Roddy White) and the #59 pick (Brandon Marshall).

MELVIN GETS: The #22 pick (Phillip Rivers) and the #46 pick (Jeremy Maclin).

Roddy White does his best Owen Hart impression for the pre-game introductions.

This is obviously a strange trade to grade because we didn't actually trade those players for each other. But I think we can honestly say the trade was beneficial to both teams. Had I stayed put with my picks, the best available receiver duo I could have taken with my 2nd and 4th picks would have been Vincent Jackson and of course, Jeremy Maclin. It's probably a close enough call with those two duos from a talent perspective that I can just say I "like" my guys better and feel okay about the trade. Maclin's health worries me longterm, I'm not sure how a guy who drops 20 pounds in the offseason can be anywhere near football shape at this point. One added benefit is that picking up an extra first rounder made me much more comfortable with the gamble of taking Vick at #3.

I'll take absolutely any excuse to run this picture on this blog.

From Melvin's perspective, trading out of the first round seems to have worked out for him just fine. He picked up the free-falling Chris Johnson and Phillip Rivers in the second. You could make the argument that those two second round players are better than my haul in the first round (Vick and White), and I can't say you'd definitely be wrong. As I mentioned before, Maclin scares me, but picking up an extra 4th rounder meant that Melvin could grab him as a WR3, which is awfully low risk for a guy who finished 13th in WR scoring last year.

FINAL GRADE: I would definitely make this trade again if I had a re-do, but I think it ended up boosting Melvin's overall roster slightly more. To have Phillip Rivers, Chris Johnson, and 3 WRs by the end of the 4th round is a hell of a luxury. Advantage: MELVIN.

The Division Bell

If there's such a thing as a bad Pink Floyd album, this is it.

With the new divisional play set-up for 2011 (hooray for co-commissioners!), grabbing a playoff spot this year could be as easy as simply having two horrible teams in your division. Now obviously, we won't have any feel for how good teams are until the draft, but the fact is, we all have a track record as GMs in the league. Some of us are shoo-ins for a playoff spots just by paying our entry fee, others of us haven't made the playoffs since the last Sisqo CD came out. Using the historical performance of our GMs, let's do our first Power Ranking of the season, using overall strength of division as our barometer.

Note: Number of championships are lifetime, Playoff Appearances shown are out of the past four years (except Mr. X who has only played the last two years).

1. SHITBIRDS - Hefty (1 lifetime championship, 4 playoff appearances for the last 4 years) Davis (0, 4 for 4), Mr. X (1, 1 for 2)

If recent history is any indication, look for all three teams to secure a playoff spot. Of course, the jury is still out on our reigning champion. Let's be honest, his first year in the league was abysmal. Which year was the aberration?

As the picture clearly shows, Shelby's not in this division.

2. DICKBAGS - Craig (2, 4 for 4), Melvin (1, 2 for 4), Deewaan (0, 1 for 4)

As much as I love ripping on the guy, Craig is basically a dynasty. Playoffs every year, with multiple titles. I will point out that he's just barely squeaked over a .500 cumulative record over those 4 years though. Deewaan, although terrible at fantasy football, is pretty and his hair smells like fresh-from-the-oven snicker doodles.

3. ASSHATS - Mike (0, 2 for 4) , Aaron (0, 1 for 4), Shelby (2, 3 for 4)

I'll be honest, I always figured Mike was much better at this than the numbers bear out. Aaron finally limped into the playoffs last year, ending our long national nightmare. Shelby is a guy who can't spare thirty seconds a week to bang out an e-mail to his buddies, but has had no problem managing a perennial powerhouse.

Google Image was shockingly low on 'Cocksmith' pictures. This guy came up though.

4. COCKSMITHS - Rich (0, 4 for 4), Shawn (0, 2 for 4), Jordan (0, 3 for 4)

The only division without a former champion, which for this exercise, means they go to the back of the line. This is the division you'd most want to end up in if you had a choice in the matter.

Rank The Drank: Dogfish vs. Dogfish

Miller Chill was somehow not considered for this edition of Rank The Drank.

Last year, when it came time to rank our favorite pumpkin beers, both Mr. X and I agreed that Dogfish Head was the undisputed champion. It's not any great surprise, as Dogfish Head is known for their excellent IPAs, and come out with a few other seasonal surprises (I had an Aprihop this spring, which is brewed with Apricots. Just terrific.) However, when it comes down to choosing which of Dogfish's brews is the best of the bunch, Mr. X and I couldn't be further apart.

He claims that the 90 Minute IPA is possibly the best beer ever. I find it somewhat overwhelming, and would much rather kick back with the more traditional 60 Minute IPA.

The 60 Minute comes in at 6.0% ABV. Dogfish Head's own website describes the taste as "Really hoppy, citrusy, grassy" and claims it pairs well with spicy foods, grilled salmon, and cheddar cheese. These are all things I'd actually eat.

The 90 Minute, will have you slurring your speech after a bottle or two at a robust 9.0% ABV. As the website is quick to point out, it has been referred to by Esquire as "perhaps the best IPA in America." Its taste is described as being similar to "brandied fruitcake, raisiny", and pairs well with split pea soup and escargot.

Here's where I draw the line. One or two of the 90 Minute varieties might be fine to accompany some high class dining. But the Esquire rave review, the raisiny fruitcake taste, and the suggested snail pairing all lead me to believe this is not a beer I am meant to be cracking after getting home on a Friday and firing up the grill. I'll take a 60 Minute over it's big brother every day, and that's before even considering the price tag.

Got a preference? Love apricots in your beer? Enjoy the way escargot comes sliding right out when you purge the next morning? Let's hear it in the comments.

2011: The Rebloggening

My God, will this stupid blog ever die?

Anybody feel like reading this drivel again?

I was thinking for 2011, I could bring back the blog with some minor tweaks.

For streamlining purposes, I'd get rid of some of the more general fantasy topics (Bajingos and Sasquatches, Chumley/Tony Awards) and stay more with the inner workings of OUR league (Power Rankings, Grade The Trade). On an As Needed basis, I'd also put up a Photo Finish column on Monday, but these were always a pain in the ass because of the tight one workday timeframe. The bottom line is this: you don't need to come here to read who played well in Week 4. That's what ESPN/Yahoo/Rotoworld are for. You DO need to come here to hear that Shawn just broke into Jordan's house in the middle of the night and stole Calvin Johnson and possibly some of Gina's very valuable artifacts from the Han Dynasty.

At the expense of these very time consuming and tell-you-nothing-you-didn't-already-know features, I'd like to revisit Rank The Drank, do some TV/Movie reviews (full disclosure: I'm watching a lot of Bachelor Pad this summer), and make this blog the official home of the weekly Power Picks. There would also likely be some Phillies playoff coverage on here. Shit, maybe we could even convince Craig to put up some tasty Untrained Chef recipes.

The posts would likely be shorter than they were back in the 2007/2008 heyday, when I worked in a lonely doublewide trailer and didn't have to put a kid to bed every night. I think most of you would agree that's a good thing, because I tend to ramble and lose my focus a little bit.

Lastly, if anybody wants to contribute anything to the blog, even as a one time thing, let me know and I'll add you as a contributor.