BREAKING: Bill Cowher Hates The Steelers

The Bill Cowher-Steelers divorce gets messy.

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If there's one man who knows a little sumpin-sumpin about the Pittsburgh Steelers, it's gotta be Bill Cowher, right? Sure, he's not the coach anymore, but he was the face of the Steelers for as long as I can remember watching football. So when he predicts how Pittsburgh will fare in their upcoming season, he speaks with a fair, if not large, bit of gravitas on the subject.

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Well, Pittsburgh fans, to be honest, he thinks you suck donkey balls. In a Post-Gazette piece, Cowher says that the Steelers will finish behind the Ravens and Bengals when it's all said and done this year. The good news? He still thinks you're better than the Browns, so you'll still probably win Week 1.

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By the by, my prediction for the AFC North this season? Coming right up, readers.

1. Bengals (Carson 4 Prez!!!)

2. Steelers (Sneeeeaking in with a wild card. Start ordering the Obsidian for the Mike Tomlin statue!)

3. Ravens (Remember when quarterbacks used to be important in football? Not in Baltimore they don't!)

4. Browns (The best thing this team can do is accumulate draft picks. Oh wait, they already traded next year's number 1 for that gay kid holding the clipboard...)

THE BIGGEST GAME OF OUR LIVES…..nay….OF THE ENTIRE WORLD!!!! (WEEK 1 EDITION)

It's Week 1: Time to seperate the lions from the wildebeests.

.Editor's Note: This will be a regular featurette here on Fisting Jerry Dunn. Aaron Repucci, previously of such fine columns as The Steelers Preview (parts 1 and 2), will check in weekly to offer his take on the most tantalizing games of the week. I now turn this space over to him. Enjoy.

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Welcome Westside FFLeaguers, to the first post of my weekly guest featurette in which I will take a look at what I think is the most crucial/interesting/pivotal/saucy game of the week in deciding the fate of the Westside.

.Week 1!!!!!!!!!

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. Runner up: BecaHigh DanKendra’s????? vs. the Canadian Cripplers

This game has little to do with Hussein at this point and much to do about Davis. Adam received so much crap for his entire draft and is currently sitting in the twelfth spot of Hefty’s infamous power rankings. This is a chance for him to prove his team worthy! Can he ride the laser rocket arm of P-diddy? Currently, the much maligned DanKendra’s have been given the edge over the cripplers in ESPN’s breakdown. Could the DanKendra’s (what the heck is a DanKendra anyways??? Sounds like Steely McBeam could have found a Poodle Beach buddy) move up in the power rankings and out of Jerry Dunn’s anal canal??????

My prediction: Davis will in fact ride P-diddy’s arm to victory in this one…DAVIS WINS!!!!
*side note of this game: much debate has come of Randy Moss’s ’07 potential production. Is the illustrious, expert analyst Virginia Slims Davis right???

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GAME OF THE WEEK!!!!: The JABROC JUNK JABBERS vs. the lymez DIZ-EEZ NUTZ!!!

Connecticut is too small for two Westside FFL powerhouses! Plus, the Asian hero from Heroes took the number one spot in the power rankings right out of the gate making him the sassy, hot team to beat. Can his young, promising team live up to their expectations??? The diz-eez nutz will certainly make the jabbers think twice before they jab. Just look at the head to head in our league’s week 1 break down…it’s a close one!!!

So…my prediction??? The Diz-eez nutz win by a Deewaan pube…yeah yeah yeah…I know what you’re thinking…of course you’re gonna pick your team. But let’s look a little closer. I think that the WR, RB, TE, K matchups couldn’t be closer. The Steelers have a slight edge playing against the Browns compared to the Skins against the Dolls. BUT! Where the ESPN breakdown has it wrong, I think, is at the QB position. I think veteran QB Matty Hass will fare much better against a weak Bucz crew at home than young Homo will against a big division rival (night game nonetheless). NO PRESSURE, Homie Romie Rue!!!
*game side note: Rich and A-Rep’s manhood is on the line as they will be spending much of the NFL weekend together watching the game…with their respective belle’s!!!! Who will be the stud and who will be the dud????!!!

LET’S WATCH!!!

Remember…you heard it here first!!!

The Final Countdown!!

This is it...we're just under 30 hours from the beginning of the NFL regular season. The Colts and Saints play tomorrow night, but that's just the tip of the iceberg for what should be a phenomenal sports weekend.

-Sat 6PM, ESPN: PSU vs. Notre Dame
-Sun 1PM, FOX: Philadelphia at Green Bay
-Sun 1PM, CBS: Pittsburgh at Cleveland
-Sun 4PM, FOX: Chicago at San Diego
-Sun 8PM, NBC: NY Giants at Dallas
-Mon 7PM, ESPN: Baltimore at Cincinnati
-Mon 10PM, ESPN: Arizona at San Fransisco

Football is back, and in a big way, with 18 hours of televised NFL, plus an entire day of college football.
Good riddance, summer!!!!

Non-Fantasy Football: PSU vs. Notre Dame

True freshman quarterback/overly eager bukkake recipient Jimmy Clausen will start for the Irish this weekend at the Beav.

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Gastropod Head Coach Charlie Weis announced today that Jimmy Clausen will be his week 2 starting quarterback. This is in stark contrast to Weis's strategy for their opener against Georgia Tech, where Weis refused to name a starter. The thinking was that GaTech would have three different QBs to prepare for. Well, they did just that, holding ND's three quarterbacks to just 130 total passing yards.

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Now, Weis has decided to come right out and name Clausen the starter. No more fancy head games. Frankly, I'm ecstatic. Since the minute this kid declared for Notre Dame, I was ecstatic. If there's an easier face to hate in all of sports than the picture above, I'd love to see it. That is easily the douchiest kid I've ever seen in my life. Clausen may actually be the most talented quarterback that Notre Dame has, but he'll be the face of the Irish for the next four years, and that is an exciting prospect.

Grade The Trade: 9/4/07

Matt Melvin and Rich Ely have announced a 4 player deal. The trade will send Jason Witten and Deion Branch to Melvin, while Rich will receive Tony Gonzalez and Tatum Bell.

From Melvin's Perspective: This trade gives Matt a desperately needed reliable third WR to start alongside Roy Williams and Chris Chambers. Matt Jones, or any of the Jaguars receivers, for that matter, weren't going to perform week in and week out, and this was a clear position of need for Melvin. The decision to cut Byron Leftwich and start David Garrard illustrates what kind of shambles the Jaguars passing game is in, so bringing in a guy like Branch, with a proven quarterback like Matt Hasselbeck, is a major boost for Melvin.

Jason Witten is a step down from Tony Gonzalez, but it may not be as big a dropoff as it seems. First of all, with all the weapons that the Cowboys have, they should at least be able to move the ball consistently, leading to red zone opportunites for Witten. Tony Romo is playing with a chip on his shoulder, and will look to Witten when Owens is double covered.

From Rich's Perspective: In trading for Tatum Bell, Rich really didn't improve his situation at the running back position. For a short while last week, it appeared that Lions running back Kevin Jones would be heading to the Physically Unable To Perform list, and miss a minimum of 6 weeks, however, Jones has survived the training camp roster cuts and is still part of the Detroit 53 man roster. This news makes Tatum Bell less appealing, even though he may be starting a few games until Jones is 100% healthy. Realistically, Tatum Bell will not crack Rich's starting lineup without an injury to either Laurence Maroney or Reggie Bush.

Tony Gonzalez, however, is an instant starter at tight end. While Kansas City's wide receivers don't scare anybody, Gonzo always seems to find a way to have a big season regardless. Larry Johnson is back with the team now after his holdout, so the offense has at least two proven weapons for defenses to key on. Getting Gonzalez was a good move for Rich, but he has to hope that the price he paid for him wasn't too steep.

The Winner: Slight edge goes to Matt Melvin.

Monday Morning Slobbering Yap: 9/3/07

Matthew Paul could spring an upset in Week 1 -- so long as he doesn't eat himself to death.

5 Things I Think That I Thought Were (9/3/07)

1. I think the opening matchup between Hefty and Melvin could be closer than the league pundits are saying (currently Melvin is down 6-1 in voting). Bear Grylls' personnel face some tough defensive matchups, including LDT against the Bears, Lynch has the Broncos, and Carson Pa-Pa facing off with the Ravens. Although Melvin's WR corps lacks some SERIOUS punch (let's see what this supposed trade with Richard brings him), I like the McNabb matchup against Green Bay, the Jags D and Tony "My Wife Puts All Yours To Shame" Gonzalez. This one could come down to a Devin Hester punt retu-- ... yeah, scratch that.

2. I think that HBO's Hard Knocks has been fantastic. Major kudos to the network for making the 2007 Kansas City Chiefs appear to be remotely interesting/good, and for exposing the cursing genius of Gunther Cunningham. I wanna wear a pair of Gun's hunting glasses while watching the games each Sunday.

3. I think the discussion about Randy Moss and his fantasy impact this year is intriguing. Many of us believe Shawn reached to select Moss, but there is a valid argument that he'll produce a decent amount of TDs because of New England's play-action and having burner Donte Stallworth playing opposite him. Then again, Moss hasn't seen playing time this preseason. Whatever the side of the argument you're on, I think we're all in agreement that Slimmy's 10 TD prediction for Moss is stoner-rifically off base.

4. I think that Larry Craig has made me reevaluate all those times at Newark International Airport that I fiddled under the stall next to me. Honestly, I was just looking for my... boarding pass. Yes. Kudos to Melvin for the team name, by the way.

5. I think the opening weekend of college football could not have gone better. A convincing Penn State victory topped almost immediately by that thrilling App State win and the blowtorching of Notre Dame. Watching at the alumni bar in Tempe, about 35 PSU fans stuck around and just laughed following the Michigan game. And laughed. And laughed. Hey, at least UM can still count unemployed Dhani Jones as one of its distinguished alumni.

Devin Hester, You Are Irrelevant!!!

This touchdown? Never happened.

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"The Bears have won the toss and elect to receive. Kaeding sends it away and it's a good one. Fielded by Devin Hester at the 3. Up to the 15, he spins out of an arm tackle! He's at the 25. A nice block springs him and he cuts it up the right sideline. To the 35! Hard juke and there's only the kicker to beat!! Hester to midfield!!! Stiff arm to Kaeding, Hester still on his feet!! To the 35...25...15...10...5...touchdown!! Devin Hester, you are ridiculous!!!!"

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Except for some retarted reason, in our fantasy league, you're not. You're irrelevant. The only way you're scoring any points for the Bears this season is if you line up as a wide reciever. Despite your reputation as the most explosive, game changing, ankle breaking, return man in the game today, you will have ZERO fantasy points to show for it. You're as useless as Tim Couch.

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Does that sound right??? We're not rewarding the explosive plays on special teams this year? Kick returns and punt returns mean nothing; for the Defensive/SPECIAL TEAMS unit, or for the individual who ran the touchdown back? In 2006, there were 9 kick return touchdowns. There were 15 punt return touchdowns. These aren't exactly fluke plays. They're fairly common. At my other league's draft last weekend, the guy who had LT said his second best player last year was the Bears defense. Why? In part, because Devin Hester found the end zone 5 freaking times.

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Am I whining because I drafted the Bears under the assumption that I'd be getting oodles of points on the heels of the first player ever to grab a 100 speed rating in Madden? Kind of. Were the rules available on the website at the time of the draft, so I could have properly reviewed the scoring system? Indeed they were. Am I bitching mainly because I wasted a seventh round pick at a time when I could have been looking for warm bodies to play wide receiver instead of the defrosted corpses I have on my roster now? Yeah, I guess.

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But honestly, I'm not even sure how this rule makes sense. This is like learning that we're not counting field goals this year. A field goal puts three points on the board for a team. It's a SCORING play. You should score it in fantasy, shouldn't you? So when a special teams unit does something that changes the SCORE of the NFL game they're involved in, how do we not see fit to award credit to that fantasy unit? Maybe I'm alone on this, but I don't see how you can decide to award points for rushing attempts, and then say you don't give out any points for a touchdown. That's completely backwards.

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Now, anybody want to trade for Ted Ginn? He's suddenly become available.