The Story You Couldn't Care Less About

I've been Marmalarded!!!

You guys don't care about my other league. We've been over this before. But I just need to share this story. If nothing else, you can get a laugh in at your old pal Hefty.

I have two QBs on my roster in the other league; the above douche, Rivers, and a guy I just generally don't like, the gunslinger, Brett Favre. I've used this space to call out Rivers as a crappy inconsistent QB before, but hey, he's the #1 overall player in fantasy this year, right?? Right???

Forget it, you know how this story ends.

Piss on my lunch.

Nightmare On Broad Street

Not even Freddy Kreuger would beat his wife. You're a special kind of asshole, Brett.

OK, I know we're just two posts removed from my anti-baseball rant, but the fact is, there is some serious baseball action this weekend. The Phils lead the Mets by a game with three to play. The Brewers are also somewhere back there, I think they're tied for the Wild Card, but who knows? Again, it's football season.

Let me just present The Nightmare Scenario if you're a Phillies fan:
A one-game playoff against the Brewers for the Wild Card with the season on the line. Go through the pitching matchups this weekend, and you see it's Blanton, Moyer, Hamels. Which means with the season on the line, resting on the arm of one man, the Phillies could be handing the ball to Chief Gives Up Longball, of the Slapaho tribe.

Piss on my lunch.

Week 3 Power Rankings: The Juke Box Edition

Singin' My Crappy Team's Blues Away

This week we’ll break down the rankings and give everyone a song that attempts to sum of their efforts as a general manager so far this season.

#1 – Melvin (3-0, W3, Previously #1) – You’re the Best Around – By Paul Stanley. The Dallas Diaper Poopy Heads rolled in week 3 with the highest score in the league. Everyone on this team is putting up numbers. Did I mention his first round pick is out for the season? Scary.

#2 – Davis (2-1, W1, Previously #3) – Livin’ on the Edge – By Aerosmith. The Dump Tanks finally got production out of the first overall pick and won a tight battle against Skidmark. If LT continues to produce, Adam will be on the edge of the top spot for the foreseeable future.

#3 – Hefty (2-1, W1, Previously #4) – One Way or Another – By Blondie. He’s gonna find ya, he’s gonna getcha, getcha, getcha. The Westbrook prognosis is dicey, but Michael Turner appears to be poised for a solid season. Now, if he could only play the Lions and Chiefs all year…

# 4 – Rich (2-1, L1, Previously #2) – Turning Japanese – By The Vapors. We all know Rich is already Japanese and I doubt he’s been turning Japanese much since he got married. Let’s face it. There’s no way I’m going to fill this juke box theme without throwing a nonsensical tune in there every once in a while.

#5 – Shelby (3-0, W3, Previously #8) – Screaming Infidelities – Dashboard Confessional. I revisit this topic for yet another week. Shelby has yet to score 100 points, but has the fewest points in the league scored against him. He probably only needs to go 4-6 the rest of the way to get into the playoffs. A win this week, and I’ll officially have to change my stance on Mr. Fidler’s skeleton squad.

#6 – Jordan (2-1, W2, Previously #7) – Thunderdome – By Primal Fear. In case you hadn’t noticed, Jordan is bald. It’s funny. Nothing like recycled humor to get you through the power rankings. Seriously, he’s won two in a row and has moved into the top half of the rankings.

#7 – Shawn (2-1, W2, Previously #9) - Bad Medicine – By Bon Jovi. Shawn certainly gave me the bad medicine this week by thumping my team and recording the second highest point total in the league. This has nothing to do with him screaming the chorus of this song at Hefty’s and Rich’s weddings, I swear.

#8 – Mike (1-2, L1, Previously #5) – Once Bitten, Twice Shy - By Great White. Mike’s been the victim of his opponent having a monster week twice now in the first three weeks. He’s gone over 100 points every week and has little to show for it. That will work itself out as we get into the bye weeks and the middle of the season. This is still a playoff team.

#9 – Craig (1-2, L2, Previously #6) – Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting) – By Elton John. So far this season, Saturday is my favorite day of the weekend. I’ve followed each Penn State win by getting drunk and then waking up with a hangover only to see my fantasy team shit the bed. So far, I’m managing a team of paper all-stars. My lineup and match ups look great, but they aren’t producing. The Blow look to get back on track against the 0-3 StinkPalmers in week 4.

#10 – Dave (0-3, L3, Previously #11) – Cruel Summer – By Bananarama. Dave scored well last week and was a couple more Rivers to Gates connections away from beating Hefty. He’s happy to see the calendar turn to fall as the first three weeks of the season were none too kind to our friend and everyone’s favorite, Deewan.

#11 – Aaron (0-3, L3, Previously #10) – Yellow Submarine – By The Beatles. Aaron lives in a yellow submarine and it’s sinking to the bottom of the power rankings. His team lacked punch yet again. It’s tough to put up points when your QB is running for his life.

#12 – Jonesy (0-3, L3, Previously #12) – In the End – By Linkin Park. Here rests Jerod’s Mayo, at the end of the power rankings. I really think a name change is needed here. I predict this team will not win until it gets on board with the rest of the league and hits up the fecal theme. It was a sad day on Thursday, as Jonesy cut a beloved Patriot from his team. Steven Gostowski is now available.

Give Me My Tonys Back!

I'm throwing a Blog-tantrum.

This is a big EFF YOU to Citizen 10 Cane. You obviously put a lot of time into your below, stinky column. Couldn't you at least done the Tonys right?! Has the great weekly award of our league been denigrated so badly that it only deserves a mention in the comments? Crockery!

Hefty def. Dave - The Tony goes to Eagles D. At truly stifling performance, albeit against a completely outgunned Oline.

Shelby def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Frank Gore. He had a lot of yards and scored a TD. Awesome.

Adam def. Mike - The Tony goes to Vikings D. Sack. Fumble. TD. Game.

Melvin def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Reggie Bush. Kim Kardashian is a whore.

Shawn def. Craig - The Tony goes to Roddy White. Malcontent.

Jordan def. Rich - The Tony goes to TJ Houshmandzadeh. Degenerate.

There you have it. The Tonys. Week 3. Happy, Happy. Joy, Joy.

What Really Grinds My Gears

The Prime Minister of Blogaria is back to address the people.

OK, first of all, I had to get the "fashion" post off the top of the page just in case anybody Googles my name and this blog comes up and they think I put that there. That's not even worthy of bush league. It's 8th-Grade-JV level crap. Craig, you are on notice. We all appreciate you picking up the slack and handing out Chumleys and ranking the squads, but come on.

On notice.

Anyway, this weekend at the Eagles game (thanks, Best Hombre!!!), I was trying to get NFL scores on my new phone, which comes with a limited version of ESPN MVP. You can't do much on it, you basically have to wait through a ticker like you're watching Sports Center's Bottom Line. It's a neat feature, but it also comes with one brutal flaw.

The ticker ALWAYS starts on Major League Baseball. And this really grinds my gears.

Now, I've been known to change my mind from time to time. Prominent examples include:
-The Gin and Tonic, which has gone from tasting like Barbara Walters' ass sweat to a very palatable and refreshing beverage in nearly no time.
-"A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend, which has gone from another song by kids whose dads didn't hug them enough to a song that makes me crank the radio up every time it comes on.
-DeSean Jackson, who has gone from the greatest rookie wide reciever ever to play the game to another dumb wide reciever who thinks far too much of himself at the expense of his team.

So, I may be many things, but stubborn is not one of them. However, there's one thing I'll never change my mind on...

ONCE SEPTEMBER STARTS, BASEBALL IS OVER. IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON.

This annoys me to no end. The baseball season has seven months out of the year to grab our attention, and it teases us with these meaningless, picayune, tedious, games which never seem to mean anything until August and September. Well guess what? By the time I'm supposed to start really taking an active interest in this sport, I couldn't care less.

This is totally backwards. Play the meaningful games when we have nothing else on our minds. Besides, baseball is a summer game. The games with the highest stakes should be during the summer. How many times have you watched a World Series game, gone outside, and shivered your ass off in the cold State College night?

My solution: move the season up a month.

"But Hefty", you say, "that means they'd be starting play in February!! It'll never work!!!" Yes, actually, it will. Here's why.

Step 1: Eliminate Spring Training. A Major League Baseball team, last time I checked, plays one month of preseason games, then plays 162 regular season games, then plays anywhere up to 19 postseason games. Doesn't that seem excessive? That's over 200 games in a season. If you can't get into baseball shape without those first twenty or thirty games, then you're not an athlete. Just give back your million dollars a year, and go drive a bus or dig a ditch like the rest of us.
But what about the young players? Well, that's a good argument, except there's about 8 different minor league teams in every major league team's farm system. I'm sure the young players can get plenty of practice playing in AAA, or AA, or A, or rookie ball, or one of those other teams where none of the players can legally drink.

OK, so we've shaved a month off the season. We're still starting in February though. And it's cold in February, especially up north in cities like Chicago and Detroit.

Step 2: Globalize. Play the first two months of the regular season in warmer countries where they worship baseball even more than we do. Let the players go on a whirlwind tour, playing in countries like the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Japan, and South America. This is not an unprecedented idea. The Red Sox opened the regular season in Japan this year, and the Expos played in Puerto Rico before they moved to Washington a few years ago. This gets fans of all countries excited about the teams, the players, and most importantly, the league. International merchandise sales skyrocket, teams scout overseas talent more closely for a few months, and most importantly, the season is off and running. The teams would then return home for their home openers in April as usual.
Added bonus I just thought of: this reduces the amount of season tickets the average fan needs to buy by about twenty-four games. Now they're paying for fifty-seven games instead of eighty-one. The cost of the season tickets are cheaper, and they're getting the fifty-seven games that really matter. By the way, if you have time to attend eighty-one home games a year, you are a total fag.
The owners? Well, yes, they'll lose some money by losing those twenty-four games a year, but they should see a near offset in profits when you add up international ticket sales and merchandise. Whatever. Bud Selig needs to work that shit out. I'm a blogger, not an economist.

So, we've got the season starting in February, playing regular season games overseas for two months, returning to the states in April, and playing through the regular season as usual for the next four months until July.

And when August rolls around? The NFL starts its preseason (which is worthless), and Major League Baseball has the stage to themselves for the playoffs and World Series. A totally blank sports landscape except for America's Pasttime.
Another added bonus: August television is unbearably horrible. Reality shows are on every night, there's no new House or Office or Heroes or any of the shows that people usually watch. I'm not a Neilsen Ratings expert, but the Olympics were just on and had millions and millions of viewers for "sports" like badminton, fencing, and water polo. I think you'll get people to tune in for the World Series. Plus, the Latinos and Japanese are more emotionally involved, and they all watch too. Ratings bonanza. Advertising dollars would rival that of the Super Bowl, and make up for even more of the discrepancy from fewer domestic games.

Listen, I know this post has gone on far too long, but here's my thesis statement:

Baseball is far too good of a sport to be on during football season, because football is even better, and will always trump baseball, even playoff baseball. There's just no reason why we should have to choose between the two.

OK. That's all. I think I've ungrinded my gears. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

Walbert Wedding Style Tracker

Notice how Rock and Kristi handsomely model my suit design. Kelly is really torn that she won't be able to make an appearance in "Deluxe Thicket."

So much like the real woods, you'll want to drop trow and take a dump.

Adam uses his uncrushed can collection to really stand out.


Jordan arrives in style.

Melvin and Ange show off their color coordination.

Week 2 Power Rankings: The Chef Comes Calling

This way to the sausage buffet!!

Week 2 has come and gone, so it's time to roll out the power rankings. Someone unexpected has cooked up a 2-0 record. Sick of cliches!? Too bad. I'm laying them on think in this one.


#1. Melvin (2-0, W2, Previously #4) I cannot emphasize how impressed I am that Melvin is winning without Tom Brady. He's taking whatever is laying around in the kitchen and making a feast fit for a king. Brandon Marshall and Kurt Warner have to continue to carry this team. He looks to roll to 3-0 with a match-up against Jerod's Mayo this week.

#2. Rich (2-0, W2, Previously #6) Rich poked, hammered and tenderized my ass all weekend. He smoked the Blow (?!) by 50 points on the strength of Cutler and Giants D. The team originally ranked dead last in the first power rankings has risen to the top faster than whipping cream. He faces a tough match-up against Jordan's Sharts in week 3.

#3. Hefty (1-1, L1, Previously #2) Hefty was severely hamstrung by the Texans/Ravens postponement. He lost out on two #1 targets in Andre Johnson and Derrick Mason and still put up more points than 5 other teams. This is a solid team with balance. A well-rounded meal, if you will. He'll likely bounce back with a game against the sinking Stinkpalmers this week.

#4. Davis (1-1, L1, Previously #3) Adam should be 2-0. He baked the perfect cake and DeSean Jackson brought the wrong icing to the party. That joker cost McNabb at least 6 points. I like this team and I refuse to punish him for this type of BS. Plus, he let us get drunk and abuse his house all weekend, so that's major points in the power rankings.

#5. Mike (1-1, W1, Previously #5) Mike put a notch in the win column and did it with extremely subpar performances from Brees and Moss. This is a team that should be in it as long as the WRs stay healthy. He has a tough match-up against the Dump Tanks this week, so get your snack and drinks ready, it could go down to the wire.

#6. Craig (1-1, L1, Previously #1) I guess I blame myself. I put the bullseye on my back and got taken out with a bazooka. Uncharacteristically bad weeks from Grant and Cotchery doomed me before Sunday was over. Steve Smith comes back from suspension to give this team a shot of espresso. SNL themed teams collide as Colon Blow takes on Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

#7. Jordan (1-1, W1, Previously #8) Jordan rebounded from a horrible week 1 and put up 50 more points in his second go-round. After being turned away at the church potluck dinner for bringing week-old meatloaf, he manned up and cooked up something fresh for the good folks of the congregation. He's might have some trouble on his hands in the next few weeks as his running back situation is very suspect with injuries to Peterson and Maroney.

#8. Shelby (2-0, W2, Previously #7) See Adam's ranking. Shelby should have lost this game. He has yet to break 100. You can only make a porterhouse look like filet mignon for so long. The true colors of this team will be on display soon enough.

#9. Shawn (1-1, W1, Previously #10) Shawn put a mediocre menu out in week 2 and it was enough to get some 2 star reviews. He's still smarting from the Ocho Cinco bizarro world, but the rest of his team is looking ok. If McFadden can continue to put up points, he can probably strengthen his WR corp through a trade. He faces the Stinkpalmers in week 3.

#10. Aaron (0-2, L2, Previously #12) Although Burrito Rice is winless on the young season, they showed some life in week 2, going over 100 points. It was a major turn-around from week 1. I still haven't seen enough to make me think this is a playoff team.

#11. Deewan (0-2, L2, Previously #9) The lack of running back depth really hurt Dave in week 2. I like his week 3 match ups, but you really can judge a restaurant by it's menu, you have to taste the food. He has a shot to move up in the next couple weeks and make the playoffs like I expect him to.

#12. Jonesy (0-2, L2, Previously #11) Jerod's Mayo doesn't taste good on sandwiches, hamburgers, potato salad or egg salad. It probably only tastes good to the stripper he's banging. How long will he stick with the Carson Palmer experiment? This team is bad right now, but I still love you, buddy.

Handing Out Some Hardware: The Golden Tonys

Where snarky grins meet phallic symbols: The Tonys

Ok, so things are a little rushed and now it's almost midnight on Tuesday and nothing has been recapped from week 2. I'm skipping the normal Studs and Duds routine and moving straight to the awards section of our fine weekly program. This week, Mr. Romo perches his dome atop the 2nd best award an actor can win that no one cares about, the Golden Globe. Here are your week two Tonys.

Game 1 - Mike def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Titans D. Ernest Graham almost snuck in here with a wily, long TD run to seal the Bucs victory over the Falcons, but the Titans kept Team Skidmark in full skidish form with a 26 point outburst while playing the Bengals during a tornado. Two weeks into the season the Titans are the #1 scoring D and are also making the commish uncomfortable for calling them out as average.

Game 2 - Jordan def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Calvin Johnson. CJ out-staged his much ballyhooed teammate, Roy Williams, by hauling in 6 catches for 129 yards and 2 TDs. That's efficiency you just don't often see. Let me make a simple comparison so you can better understand how solid the performance was. Calvin's effort is similar to that of Jordan's hair, which has fallen out at an efficient rate since the sixth grade. Judge the results for yourself. The glare don't lie.

Game 3 - Shawn def. Dave - The Tony goes to Aaron Rodgers. The young buck can get it done, people. At least against a defense that resembles a one-legged, 80 year-old woman name Ruth that has emphysema and carts around an oxygen tank. Nonetheless, over 300 yards and 3 TDs is nothing to sneeze at. In a related note. Shelby def. Shawn in the game of life as his former team name appeared to be "too close to reality" for some people to handle. The replacement team is a winner, though it hawks my SNL theme. "Imagine this iced tea is a gallon of your feces." "That's a lot of dung!"

Game 4 - Melvin def. Hefty - The Tony goes to Brandon Marshall. Holy shitballs was this guy good. He hauled in the second most passes ever in NFL history with 18 receptions after coming off a one game suspension because of "behavior problems." Why does everyone have to get on a guy because he likes a little yayo with his shrimp and grits? This is the kind of rebound I think people were looking for from Christopher Reeve when they heard he'd been kicked by a horse. Too far? Perhaps a little too far...

Game 5 - Rich def. Craig - The Tony goes to Jay Cutler, who after two weeks is your #1 overall scorer. There were a lot of choices to be had here, and honorable mention goes to Giants D and Reggie Wayne, who both mercilessly precipitated the beatdown of my team. I knew taunting Rich was a bad idea. You'd be wise to learn from my mistakes and not fall victim to his ninja ways.

Game 6 - Shelby def. Adam - The Tony goes to Santonio Holmes. The Steelers deep threat scored 12.5 points on a night so windy that seemed like planes could have been knocked from the sky. I hated making a pick here because there was no 'one' player that stood out on Shelby's team and Davis should actually have won this game. I suggest you write a personal letter to DeSean Jackson and tell him he let a guy with a turtleneck on his penis beat you in fantasy football. That will surely set him straight for the rest of the year.

Cheers and Jeers: The Syracuse Chronicles

The grundle sweat on the guy wearing this giant pillow costume could fill a bathtub.

So, Syracuse Weekend has come and gone. Not everybody was fortunate enough to join us in Canada's Retarded Stepbrother (Feel free to borrow that one from me, Syracuse Board of Tourism!!), so here's a recap of the festivities just so everybody's on the same page.

CHEERS: To the Davises for hosting approximately 20 drunken, dirty, gassy, loud, snoring-prone of their closest friends for the weekend. Much olbiged.

JEERS: To the 'y' key on my laptop, which all of a sudden decided it wants to work about 30% of the time I hit it. Hopefull, this column won't have man tpos.

CHEERS: To the joke of the weekend, Shawn Hussein's timely and oft-repeated "Which way to the bloodbath?" inquiry of Syracuse fans as we closed in on the Carrier Dome. Got funnier every single time.

JEERS: To the New York Department of Transportation, which decided to close the two exits on Route 81 closest to the Syracuse Denny's this morning. My Garmin had the computer equivalent of an aneursym trying to recalculate my route so I could fill my belly with the ever-delicious Homestyle Scramble.

CHEERS: To Carpenter Craig, who crafted a set of Cornhole Boards by hand and painted little paw prints and lion faces to decorate.

JEERS: To Jeff Fritz, the least useful little brother since Koy Detmer. I'd rather have a root canal than spend another five minutes with that kid.

CHEERS: To the Carrier Dome, who offers a 16 oz. Labatt Blue Light for the low low price of $5. Compared to the $7 Bud Light bottles I had at the Phillies game the other night, this was practically Nickel Night at the Crowbar.

JEERS: To Hurricane Ike, who not only drove up gasoline prices 20 cents a gallon right before a road trip weekend in my SUV, but also took my two best receivers out of my fantasy lineup for this week's games. Andre Johnson and Derrick Mason, hit the showers; Devin Hester and Hank Baskett, lace 'em up. The result: coming home after the 1:00 games were finished and finding my fantasy team had racked up a whopping 3.5 points. (Don't worry, I'm up to 6 now!!)

CHEERS: To Penn State, who made sure we didn't make a road trip in vain by showing up and slaughtering an undermatched Syracuse team in a loud road atmosphere (to be fair, it was probably 40% PSU fans).

JEERS: To the uber-spooky walk we had through the Syracuse cemetary in the dark back to the Davises last night. If you weren't there, you wouldn't believe how big this cemetary is. I think every dead Syracuse alum is buried in there. To top it off, we had a cop car drive past us and tell us "you're fine" as we struggled to get our bearings in the dark maze of gravestones. No sir, YOU'RE fine. We're lost and full of Labatt's Blue Light. Please help.

CHEERS: To the NFL schedule makers, who gave us a coincidental gift by making the Steelers play on Sunday Night Football, and the Eagles play on Monday Night Football. Perfect way to end the weekend.

JEERS: To Matt Cassel, who obviously isn't as good as Tom Brady, but obviously isn't as bad as Quinn Gray. The Pats won today and it looks like the Jets won't be assuming the role of AFC East top dog just yet. I was really hoping the Brady injury would send the Pats into a 1-15 tailspin. Strangely enough, the Bills have to be taken seriously now after beating Seattle and Jacksonville to open the season up. Too bad for Buffalo fans, I hear they're moving the team to Toronto. (This was ongoing Joke At Upstate New Yorkers' Expense Of The Weekend #2...)

TRIPLE JEERS: To Ed Hochuli, who as I'm typing, just took a Day-After-20-Bud-Lights-and-Labatt-Blue-Lights size poop on San Diego, ruling that Jay Cutler fumbled, but the fumble recovery didn't count because somebody was a little quick on the whistle. San Diego has now slipped to 0-2 after two last minute losses. Gotta love the NFL.

Week 1 Power Rankings: The Shart Edition

I have actual turds that look better than this guy.

It's time to delve into the power rankings after week 1. Just accept right now that you're not going to agree with me and deal with it. I don't really care. It's fun to piss you all off.

#1 Craig (1-0, Previously #2) Well, based on the last power rankings not written by me, I was the highest ranked player that won. Therefore I pronounce my emergence as the top ranked poo-man in the dung power rankings. I'm here and I'm not leaving until I lose, which will probably be next week.

#2 Hefty (1-0, Previously #4) John stormed out of his hairy-hatchet wound obsession to set a squad that outscored all others in week one. An impressive feat for sure. Whether or not it continues, remains to be seen.

#3 Davis (1-0, Previously #3) Steady, steady, steady. Adam wins and it's week 1, so I can't really move him down. The win wasn't overly impressive, but a win is a win.

#4 Melvin (1-0, Previously #7) Probably the most tenuous position in the rankings, Melvin finds himself a winner by going over the century mark, but find his stud QB injured and dropped for the season. Will his assumptive mediocre running backs be able to carry the load for the fallen savior? I'm not banking on it, but stranger things have happened.

#5 Mike (0-1, Previously #5) Mike's team put up pimp numbers and I'm giving him a break in the rankings because he's about to break his strong bachelor hand in half in two weeks. He played all the right guys except for DeSean Jackson. Had he done so, he'd be moving up instead of remaining idle.

#6 Rich (1-0, Previously #12) Rich is the biggest mover in week one thanks to his boisterous response to Hefty's overly critical innitial ranking. Dropping perhaps the best QB on his squad is questionable, but he won and it wasn't close.

#7 Shelby (1-0, Previously #11) Another big mover here, but only because he won. I don't see that happening very often this year. When it's all said and done I think he'll miss the playoffs again, but what do I know?

#8 Jordan (0-1, Previously, #1) Oh what a tumble. Jordache's team didn't show up at all. Housh, Cooley, Maroney, Coles and Colts D combined for 13 points. Not going to win many with that type of production.

#9 Deewan (0-1, Previously #8) I picked Dave to win in week one and he severely let me down. Anderson was a bitch and McGahee didn't even see the field. The rest of his team was actually pretty respectible. I think Dave will end up in the playoffs for the first time in recent fantasy memory.

#10 Shawn (0-1, Previously #6) Shawn lost to the #12 team in last weeks power rankings. The Eddie Royal experiement starts in week 2.

#11 Jonesy (0-1, Previously #10) Carson Palmer and Wes Welka were huge let downs in the first week of action. Hopefully Jonesy will lose again and then I can put his Patriot-loving ass in last place. SUMMMMMMMMER ALE!

#12 Aaron (0-1, Previously #9) Not much of a fight from Burrito Rice in week 1. Aaron scored the fewest points and doesn't show much promise of improving. Only one true starting tailback and no bonafide #1 receiver will make it tough sledding all year. I don't think Roethlisberger will throw enough to propel the rice to the top.

Handing Out Some Hardware - Premier of the Tony Awards

"Hey Jessica, I think I'm part of pop culture thanks to you." - Tony
"Pop like soda or pop like popcorn?" - Jessica
"Nevermind, let's go bone on the beaches of Mexico." - Tony
"YAY for penises!!" - Jessica

Here we are, creeping up on week 2 and there's still so much left to do for week 1. A Little Slap and Pickle presents the first weekly installment of the 2008 awards that celebrate one player from each winning team that helped to seal the deal for their respective owner. Without further ado, the 2008 Tony Awards!!

Melvin def. Dave - The Tony goes to Reggie Bush. Melvin's day could have ended catastrophically, well, it actually did. But he still managed to pull out the win thanks to a monster day from Mr. Bush. Reggie totaled 28 points and mixed it up with receiving and rushing yards and caught a nifty screen pass for a 42 yard touchdown in there as well. With model-pumping QB out for the year, Melvin will lean heavily on Bush for the rest of the season.

Hefty def. Mike - The Tony goes to Michael Turner. I know, I know, he was already listed as a Magnum in our earlier column. But how can you possibly disregard 40.5 points from a running back?! With a regular week from Turner, Hefty would have lost by 15 and probably would be looking for some bullwinkle and a ZJ from some back-street boy in Doylestown. Man, it's a good thing Turner had the game he did!

Craig def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Marion Barber III. Dude ripped 23.5 points and only played 2.5 quarters. Injuries aside, that's production his general manager can certainly live with. Jericho Cotchery gets strong consideration for his fist rendezvous with Brett Favre, but I have a feeling Ol' Jericho will put his name on the Tony list before the season is through.

Shelby def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Frank Gore. Shelby's highest scorer of the day came through huge in the 2nd round of Sunday games. He may not be able to put up similar numbers in lowly San Fran all season long, but he's at least made one skidmark on the underpants of week 1.

Adam def. Jordan - The Tony goes to DonoVan McNabb. Yes, another repeat from our Magnums section. The problem here is that the rest of Adam's team was so mediocre, I couldn't pick any of them in good conscience. If McNabb was able to put up these number with D squad receivers, imagine what he'll do when his top two boys are actually healthy. A stiff, hard, pulsating test awaits next Monday night as the Birds visit Big D.

Rich def. Shawn - The Tony goes to John Kitna. Even though his team got smoked, Kitna played a pretty solid game for the Lions who were purported to be using a run focused offensive attack in 2008. That's a hard plan to follow when you go down 21-0 in the first quarter. Surprisingly, Kitna was able to avoid turnovers and thus made up for the frightful day of Rich's TE, Todd Heap, who scored -1.5 in a total let down. JAP SLAP!!

Magnums and Extra Slims: Week 1

Hey! That's not the Magnum I expected to see!!

In a take from Hefty's previously, wildly successful column, Bajingos and Sasquatches, I bring you Magnums and Extra Slims (it's a working title). We'll explore who scored stud-like points and who really shat the bed during week 1.

Extra Slims

1. Marques Colston - Right here is the #25 overall pick in our league this year. He went high in every draft I've seen. Drew Brees threw for 343 and his best receiver only got 26 yards on 3 catches? WTF is that about? The Saints are sure to spread the ball around all season, which means it'll be feast or famine every week for Mr. Colston.

2. Aaron's Runningbacks - CLINTON! and JAMAL! combined for 15.5 points. The Browns had to abandon the running game after they got bitch-slapped by Romo and the Cowboys. The Redskins o-line couldn't create holes in a wet paper bag against the Giants. Neither found the end zone in an abysmal first week for the backfield of Old Burrito Rice. Things will turn around, but perhaps not as soon as Aaron would like. Lewis faces the Steelers in prime-time next week.

3. Carson Palmer - Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. His team is atrocious and Palmer doesn't look like he's strong enough to carry them on his back. The Bungles faced a team with less offensive potential than any I've ever seen and still couldn't put this one away. Heck, their terrible defense has more touchdowns than the offense! Carson finished the day with 99 yards on 10 completions and an interception. The only hope for Palmer to return to pro-bowl form is for him to get traded to a team that doesn't have the locker room discord currently found in Cincinnati.

4. Jacksonville Runningbacks - Fred Taylor and MoJo Drew were expected to provide fantasy owners with weeks of solid scoring. Not so against a solid, but unspectacular Titans defense. On the whole, the duo combined for only 77 total yards of offense. Word out of Florida is two starting o-linemen might be out for the year as well. Tread lightly if you own either Jag RB.

5. Kevin Boss - ZERO POINTS. That is all.

Magnums

1. Michael Turner - I don't think anyone saw this one coming. Sure the Falcons like to run the ball, but Turner's effort on Sunday was amazing. He totted the rock for 220 yards and a touchdown, all on just 22 carries (11yds/carry if anyone's counting). Granted, he played against a defense that looked like it was playing hide-and-go-fuck-yourself, but nonetheless, 40.5 points is 40.5 points.

2. Willie Parker - Fast Willie totaled 2 touchdowns in 2007, much to the chagrin of Mr. Walbert. He'd eclipsed that total with 9 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter of his first game of the season in 2008. Right now, he looks like a steal for Jonesy as it's obvious the Steelers are still committed to the run and their o-line is playing with a chip on its collective shoulder after hearing negative press all off-season. Parker got most of the 3rd and 4th quarters off and was still able to amass 32 points.

3. Donovan McNabb - Amazingly enough, Davis didn't take Tom Brady with his first pick, and it seems to have already paid dividends. McNabb sliced and diced the Rams with a depleted receiver corp to the tune of 361 yards and 3 TDs.

4. Hines Ward - The forgotten man in Pittsburgh was claimed to be too old and too slow to keep up with his younger running mate, Santonio Holmes. Well folks, if you didn't already know Ward still has high-level fantasy value. His quarterback doesn't make many mistakes and puts the ball on the money when it counts. Ward walks away from week 1 with two TDs on just 6 total receptions and 76 yards.

5. Bears Defense - They set the tone early and often in their game against the Colts in week 1. Not only did they get after Peyton Manning with 2 sacks, but they caused a fumble that was returned for a touchdown and recorded a safety against what is supposed to be one of the best offensive teams in the entire NFL. Their 24 points tied with the Cardinals (Shelby, take note) for #2 amongst defenses. They also sealed the victory for Melvin and his trauma unit.

Week 1 Photo Finishes

There's REALLY only one game in question headed into tonights game.

Skidmark - 124.8 with Donald Driver vs. Terrible Bowels - 136.9 (12.1 difference). 11 wide outs in our league topped 12.1 points yesterday. That's just under 1/3 of all the starting receivers. The odds favor Driver NOT reaching that level. However, the Pack is playing the NFL's worst defense from 2007 and have often shown a penchant for big plays in the passing game. Of course, that was with Brett Favre who still throws the best deep ball in the league. If Aaron Rodgers had a few more games under his belt, I'd feel better about picking Skidmark. Until he proves otherwise, I'm going to bet against him. The Terrible Bowels win by less than 3 points.

Stinkpalmers - 81.1 with Bernard Berrian vs. Poopy heads - 102.7 (21.6 difference). Berrian is going to need to have a break-out game to give Dave any hope against Melvin. DDPH needs this win pretty badly, as his meal ticket, Tom Brady, is out for the year. I'm saying he gets it and it's not close.

The Most Accurate Thing You'll Ever Read Ever Ever

Not pictured: My raging boner.

First of all, let me say how proud I am of Craig. His first day on the job, and he's already banged out two preview columns. Well done, sir. You're the perfect running mate for my presidential campaign. There I am; John McCain...can't lift my arms, old, fat cheeks, weakened, cranky, and smell like a three day old French Onion soup, and here you come, my Sarah Palin...ready to breathe new life into a dying effort. Well done, good sir.

Unfortunately for Craig, I'm stepping on his two previous posts for a rare spectacle of Bloggery, but it's necessary. The NFL season officially started 46 minutes ago, and I have yet to chime in on the state of the 2008 Philadelphia Eagles. So sorry Craig, but I've gotta take center stage.

The 2008 Eagles enter the season with some new faces (yo, Asante!!), some disgruntled faces (wassamattayou, Lito??), and some faces that look especially bloated in High Def (dear Lord, Andy). I've seen a number of previews on the Eagles this season, and the hopes are generally high. Both Dr. Z and Gene Wojciechowskisiskworski have the Eagles in the Super Bowl (although losing to the Pats, a scenario that would make me remove my rectum with a garden rake), and I'd say 95% of the other predictions have the Eagles no worse than a wild card team. Do I agree? I think so, but let's sloooooooow it down and take things one game at a time.

Joining me for this year's prognostications is my on again-off again lover, Miss Crown Royal. Needless to say, we're on. And IT'S on. Let's go.

Week 1: vs. Rams
Let's put it this way, this is the week where I'm really glad I went with Brian Westbrook over Adrian Peterson. The Eagles really shouldn't struggle with this game at all, and I see it as a good opportunity for the wideouts to develop chemistry with Donovan to start the season while Kevin Curtis is out. The one thing the Eagles have going against them is Andy Reid's history in season openers, which is something like 3-7. I absolutely think they'll win, but there's probably still some rust on the chainsaw.
Eagles 24, Rams 17 (Record: 1-0)

Week 2: @ Cowboys (MNF)
I think the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, and although the wheels could definitely come off this team at some point, Week 2 is way too early. Dallas is too talented, and I definitely think people are underestimating the Pacman Jones impact. He's like Devin Hester, if only Devin Hester could play cornerback and not just be a gimmicky wide reciever (remember, Hester was drafted as a CB). I think we put up a decent fight, but Dallas wins, regardless of whether Jessica, Ashlee, or OJ Simpson is in the crowd to cheer on Tony Romo.
Eagles 23, Cowboys 31 (Record: 1-1)

Week 3: vs. Steelers
Me and Deewaan are going to this game because he's the coolest Best Man who's ever Best Manned. The Steelers absolutely throttled the Eagles the last time they played, back in 2004, but the tables should be turned this year. The Steelers have questions on both sides of the line of scrimmage, and that's probably where the Eagles are most solid this year. Besides, I'd have to be an idiot to pick the Steelers in a game where my yinzer wife was tagging along.
Eagles 28, Steelers 16 (Record: 2-1)

Week 4: @ Bears (SNF)
The Eagles giftwrapped a game for the Bears last year, making Brian Greise look like John Elway as he led Chicago on a historic 2 minute drive. I say historic because I don't think I've ever seen 11 men all quit at the exact same moment, but that's exactly what the Eagles defense did. It was unreal. Anyway, Donovan McNabb usually plays well in his hometown, and I expect the wide recievers to have built a good bit of confidence by this point in the season. I'll also put this on paper...after this game, people will be asking if DeSean Jackson is the NEW Devin Hester. No, tools, he's better.
Eagles 34, Bears 13 (Record: 3-1)

Week 5: vs. Redskins
I'm watching the Redskins right now. I know they're playing the Super Bowl champs and everything, but you know what they look like???? Thawed out dogshit.
Eagles 35, Redskins 10 (Record: 4-1)

Week 6: @49ers
This game's not until 4:15, which means I'll have to wait three hours longer than I'd like to watch Asante Samuel return two JT O'Sullivan picks for touchdowns. Oh well, I can wait.
Eagles 42, 49ers 6 (Record: 5-1)

Week 7: BYE

Week 8: vs. Falcons
Andy Reid wins every game following a bye week. The Falcons are possibly picking #1 in next year's draft. I know the last three games I've picked have been Eagles blowouts, but honestly, they could make the spread on this game 30 points and I'd still take the Eagles.
Eagles 45, Falcons 10 (Record: 6-1)

Week 9: @ Seahawks
Bold Prediction - After Julius Jones ruptures a hammy in the season opener, and TJ Duckett runs for less than 30 yards in three straight games, the Seahawks sign Shaun Alexander for the veteran minimum. Inspired to earn another NFL contract and prove he's still got something left in the tank, he reverts to his 2005 form and rushes for 125 yards in his first game back. Crazy, right? Yeah, but other than this scenario, I'm not sure why the Seahawks would be favored in this game. I've got to give the Eagles a loss before my credibility goes flying out the window, so I'll say the game is lost on a freak fumble on a botched field goal attempt.
Eagles 17, Seahawks 24 (Record: 6-2)

Week 10: vs. Giants (SNF)
Watching the season opener tonight, three things impress me...1) The Smooth, Delicious, Warm Flavor of Crown Royal, 2) Megan Fox in the High Def Transformers commercials, and 3) The G-Men. This is the doomsday scenario for the NFC East. The Giants are already playing the "nobody believes in us card" this season, now they're throttling a division opponent and reminding themselves that their quarterback is the reigning Super Bowl MVP. I'll buy the hype. Fun fact: As of this game, we'll know whether McCain or Obama is our next president.
Eagles 21, Giants 28 (Record: 6-3)

Week 11: @ Bengals
Chris Henry won't last the season on Cincinnati's roster, Chad Ocho Cinco's labrum injury will stop him from being a gamebreaker, and the Bengals will regret dumping Rudi Johnson. Seriously, this team has so many dumbasses on it, and they cut a guy who's never had a problem with his coaching staff, his teammates, or the law. Really smart. What's the thesis sentence, English majors?? Here it is. THE BENGALS BLOW AND DO EVERYTHING WRONG.
Eagles 31, Bengals 20 (Record: 7-3)

Week 12: @ Ravens
Joe Flacco's cousin goes to my church. Other than that, I have nothing good to say about this team.
Eagles 20, Ravens 10 (Record: 8-3)

Week 13: vs. Cardinals (Thanksgiving Night)
Here's the second game of the season I'm going to. My only real fear here is that me and my dad are going together, and every time we see an Eagles game together, something horrific happens (see: Ricky Watters "For Who For What", Donovan McNabb's exploding ACL...) I'll be honest with you, I don't care if the Eagles lose by 600 points, so long as I eat four turkey legs and drink three quarts of bourbon. But, since I'm predicting, I'll go with an upset. Cardinals win a lopsided game, as Andy Reid pulls a Paterno and runs off the field mid-game to empty his bowels after nine turkey pot pies.
Eagles 12, Cardinals 31 (Record: 8-4)

Week 14: @ Giants
Super Bowl Champs or not, we don't get swept by Eli and the boys. We've got a long week to recover after the Thanksgiving game, and a lot of film to watch after the loss earlier in the season. The Giants will be the favorites, but they won't win this one.
Eagles 23, Giants 21 (Record: 9-4)

Week 15: vs. Browns (MNF)
I think the Browns might be horrible this season. They're just being hyped too much for a team that hasn't made the playoffs since the glory days of Kelly Holcomb. Jamal Lewis can't possibly have a year like last year, Derek Anderson might have been figured out, and Kellen Winslow might be out of the NFL after President-Elect John McCain reinstates the Selective Service Draft and K2 is a Navy Seal on a black ops mission in Pyongyang hunting down Jordan's girlfriend's uncle.
Eagles 34, Browns 20 (Record: 10-4, Sweep AFC North)

Week 16: @ Redskins
Inspired by the tragic murder of safety LaRon Landry, the Redskins galvanize and come into this game on a three game winning streak, which boosts their season win total to three. However, the magic ends as Donovan and company move into a tie with the Cowboys after this win, setting up a Week 17 showdown for all the marbles.
Eagles 26, Redskins 21 (Record: 11-4)

Week 17: vs. Cowboys
While most teams this week will be trying to lose to gain an extra two slots in the 2009 draft, the Eagles and Cowboys are playing for the division crown, a bye week, and homefield throughout the playoffs. The game gets out of reach just after halftime though, and the Eagles back into the playoffs as the #5 seed, a wild card berth.
Eagles 14, Cowboys 28 (Record: 11-5)

Wild Card Round: @ Cardinals (NFC West Champs)
The Cardinals win this horrible division with a putrid 8-8 record over the Seahawks, who finish at 7-9. Embarrassed by the Thanksgiving Day debacle, the Eagles come out fired up and make this game a laugher by the end of the first quarter. The Cardinals' dynamic duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are so humbled by the loss, that after the game, they beg the Eagles to trade for them in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 38, Cardinals 6

Divisional Round: @ Cowboys (NFC East Champs)
Tony Romo, fresh off a bye-week vacation to Amsterdam with his new celebrity girlfriend, Miley Cyrus, goes 6 for 32 for 61 yards and 3 INTs. Terrell Owens is so pissed off after the game that he demands to be traded in the offseason, and when asked which team he'd be interested in going to, he breaks down crying and begs Donovan McNabb and the Eagles to take him back in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 27, Cowboys 10

NFC Championship: @ Saints (NFC South Champs)
Drew Brees, fresh off his MVP season, is rolling on all cylinders as he spreads the ball around all night to his favorite targets, Reggie Bush, Jeremy Shockey, and Marques Colston (notice I didn't say Robert Meachem!!). The game ends on a controversial call by Andy Reid, who decides to punt on 4th and 2 rather than hand the ball to Pro Bowl fullback Tony Hunt, who's a remarkable 22 for 22 on third and fourth down conversions on the season. The season ends in the Big Easy once again.
Eagles 23, Saints 24

So there you have it. My semi-drunk look in to the future of everybody's favorite hometown team. But seriously, as long as I get those turkey legs and bourbon, they can go 0-16 and I'll be one happy dude.

A Gaze Into the Future - Week 1 Predictions

How many times will Shawn yell "I-Talian Grill" during NFL action this week? Only the Commish knows...

Game 1: Stinkpalmers @ Poopyheads

QB - Anderson vs. Brady - Advantage: Poopyheads
RB - Addai/McGahee vs. Bush/James - Advantage: Stinkpalmers
WR - Burress/S. Moss/Berrian vs. Fitzgerald/Bowe/R. Brown - Advantage: Stinkpalmers
TE - Gates vs. V. Davis - Advantage: Stinkpalmers
D - Patriots vs. Bears - Advantage: Stinkpalmers

This match-up is going to come down to QB and WR play. Brady is in store for a huge day against a terrible Chiefs team, but will it be enough to carry a generally mediocre squad? None of the running backs here impress me and their match-ups aren't favorable. Look for the Poopyheads to play Drew Bennett in place of Reggie Brown, who's nursing a tender hammy.

Winner: Stinkpalmers

Game 2: Dump tanks @ Sharts

QB - McNabb vs. E. Manning - Advantage: Dump tanks
RB - Tomlinson/Jones-Drew vs. Peterson/Maroney - Advantage: Dump tanks
WR - Colston/Galloway/Chambers vs. Housh/Calvin Johnson/Coles - Advantage: Push
TE - Winslow vs. Cooley - Advantage: Push
D - Vikings vs. Colts - Advantage: Sharts

McNabb should have a big day against a suspect Rams defense. The running backs should all do well, but I always like LT and MJD is going up against the Titans. Both Peterson and Maroney COULD hit paydirt, but it's no sure thing. The WRs in this match-up are nothing to get excited about. The only really favorable match-up might be Coles against the Dolphins. I like Winslow more than Cooley, but he's facing a pretty good defense. I pick the Colts over the Vikes because they get to run at the bearded wonder, Kyle Orton, all night in front of a primetime audience.

Winner: Dump tanks in a squeaker.

Game 3: Hot Dogs @ Mayo

QB - P. Manning vs. Palmer - Advantage: Mayo
RB - Gore/R. Williams vs. Parker/F. Taylor - Advantage: Hot Dogs
WR - Holmes/Roy Williams/Gonzalez vs. Owens/Welker/Evans - Advantage: Mayo
TE - Boss vs. H. Miller - Advantage: Mayo
D - Steelers vs. Chargers - Advantage: Mayo

Manning is just coming back from injury and I expect him to struggle. On the other hand, Palmer is throwing to a WR with one arm, another with one leg and a no-name. This might be the grossest match-up of running backs in the history of fantasy football. Neither team can boast two bonafide NFL starters. I believe the wide outs will decide this game and Jonesy's are decidedly better. Kevin Boss? Really?

Winner: Jerod's Mayo

Game 4: Skidmark @ Terrible Bowels

QB - Brees vs. Romo - Advantage: Skidmark
RB - T. Jones/Graham vs. Westbrook/Turner - Advantage: Terrible Bowels
WR - R. Moss/Edwards/Driver vs. A. Johnson/Mason/Gaffney - Advantage: Skidmark
TE - Scheffler vs. Witten - Advantage: Terrible Bowels
D - Titans vs. Eagles - Advantage: Terrible Bowels

Expect both QBs to have a big day. I gave the edge to Brees here because all of his targets are healthy and he's playing at home. Bombs over Cleveland and New Orleans. I predict that the Terrible Bowels strengths and favorable match-ups at RB and TE will make up for a putrid WR group. Neither the Titans nor the Eagles are a very sexy defensive pick this week, but the Birds are facing the Rams who just put in a new offensive system.

Winner: Terrible Bowels

Game 5: Butt Pills @ Shithouse

QB - Kitna vs. Hasselbeck - Advantage: Butt Pills
RB - Jackson/Jacobs vs. Lynch/L. Johnson - Advantage: Push
WR - Wayne/Holt/Ward vs. Chad Johnson/White/Hackett - Advantage: Butt Pills
TE - Heap vs. Shockey - Advantage: Shithouse
D - Giants vs. Packers - Advantage: Shithouse

None of the running backs here have very favorable match-ups. Shithouse is keeping watch as several WRs might end up in the infirmary before the end zone. I look for a big day from Kitna against the Falcons. Ward finds the end zone and provides a boost from the #3 receiving spot.

Winner: Butt Pills

Game 6: Burrito rice @ Colon Blow

QB - Roethlisberger vs. Bulger - Advantage: Burrito rice
RB - Portis/Lewis vs. Barber/K. Smith - Advantage: Colon Blow
WR - Boldin/Harrison/Stallworth vs. Jennings/Cotchery/Burleson - Advantage: Colon Blow
TE - Dallas Clark vs. T. Gonzalez - Advantage: Push
D - Seahawks vs. Jaguars - Advantage: Push

I predict that this will be the most evenly matched game of week 1. Roethlisberger looks like a good match-up on paper against the Texans, but how will the O-line fair? Barber is set to explode out of the gates and the only thing that can slow him down is teammate, Felix Jones. Harrison and Stallworth have face tough defenses, while Jennings, Cotchery and Burleson face three of the worst Ds in the league. Both the Seahawks and the Jags should have their way with unstable offenses.

Winner: Colon Blow - Note: I'm trying to be as objective as possible here.

The State of Penn State - A Season Preview

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Everyone's favorite Nittany Lions are back in action on Saturdays throughout the fall. Since we've all been itching for a taste of football, allow the commish to walk you through this season, Happy Valley style.

EDIT: Watch out for a breaking story in which 4 important players were held out of practice yesterday due to a party and minor drug violation. If anyone is kicked off the team, it could hold serious repercussions for the rest of the season, especially on defense.

Key Offensive Returnees: The WR Smurfs (Williams, Butler, Norwood); RB Evan Royster (over 6 yds/carry in limited play last year); the ENTIRE o-line anchored by senior C AQ Shipley.

Key Defensive Returnees: DE Maurice Evans (12.5 sacks in 2007); S Anthony Scirrotto; DT's Jared Odrick and Abe Koroma

Key Losses: RB Rodney Kinlaw, DTs Chris Baker and Phil Taylor (suspension led to transfers); CB Justin King; WR Chris Bell (highly-touted, underperforming, pulled a knife on a teammate during the off season); LB Sean Lee (out for the year with torn ACL); DT Devon Still (out for the year with broken ankle)

Key Newcomers: RB Stephon Green (redshirt freshman runs a reported 4.25/40 and is from JoePa's hood, Brooklyn); QBs Daryll Clark and Pat Devlin (a reported fierce battle this preseason led to Clark being named the starter but Devlin assured playing time);

Schedule – Outlook - Predictions:

Aug 30 – Coastal Carolina – 12pm – Big Ten Network

Outlook: Let's be serious. This is a joke of a game against a school that has only played football since 2002. Further review shows that this D1-AA institution employs an athletics director who went to Penn State and played for Paterno. This is a money grab and little else. It will tell us nothing about the team. Hopefully Clark and Devlin both get good minutes and no one gets hurt.

Prediction: PSU 56 CC 6 - Actual: PSU 66 CC 10

Sept 6 – Oregon State – 3:30pm – ABC Regional

Outlook: The Beavers make a visit to Beaver Stadium. Children cry, women scream, the world implodes and men everywhere chuckle. The game should NOT be close, but it will be due to inexplicable play calling by the dunce of an offensive coordinator known as Jay Paterno. The Beavers are breaking in an entirely new front 7. They have a decent secondary and some talent at the wideout position. Their QB play last year made Anthony Morrelli look like a Heisman winner and they lost their #1 RB to the draft. We should be able to run at will, but JayPa will figure out a way to leave our defense on the field much longer than they should be.

Prediction: PSU 34 OrSU 23

Sept 13 - @ Syracuse – 3:30pm – ABC Regional

Outlook: It's a good thing I'm writing this now, but cause I'll probably be too drunk to remember actually attending this game. This SHOULD be a slam dunk. Just like in 2005 when Penn State went on the road to Northwestern, right? RIGHT?! No, it won't be like that. After a sluggish first half, the Lions dominate the trenches and run for almost 400 yards. Greg Robinson crawls into the nearest bottle of scotch and tries to forget the fact that he chose to coach football at a basketball school.

Prediction: PSU 45 'Cuse 17

Sept 20 – Temple – TBA – Big Ten Network

Outlook: Former PSU assistant and player, Al Golden, has the Owls on the verge of respectability. Granted they play in the MAC, but they still won 4 games last year which was one more than the previous 3 seasons combined. They also won 3 games in a row for the first time since 1985. The Lions have shutout the Owls to the tune of 47-0 and 31-0 over the last two years. Look for Temple to get on the score board this year, but it won't be enough to stop Penn State from moving to 4-0.

Prediction: PSU 37 Temple 16

Sept 27 – Illinois – 8pm – ABC/ESPN

Outlook: Simply put: Penn State was a better team than Illinois last year. They played in the Rose Bowl and the Lions played in the Alamo Bowl. At Champagne in 2007, Penn State had 5 consecutive possessions begin in Illini territory in the second half and came away with ZERO points thanks to four turnovers. These inexcusable miscues lost the game for PSU. As Illinois comes back to Beaver stadium in 2008 for the Big10 opener, you can bet that the Lions are still smarting from such a sour defeat. Illinois will have a tough time replacing All-American LB, J. Leham and Big10 Offensive Player of the Year, Reshard Mendenhall, but their defensive line may be up to the task. They also have sure-fire first rounder, Vontea Davis, at cornerback. Penn State will look to score on the ground and contain WR Arrilious Benn who burned the Lions for a return TD in 2007.

Prediction: PSU 34 Illinois 28

Oct 4 - @ Purdue – TBA

Outlook: The first true road test of the season. The only year this decade that PSU has a winning record on the road is 2005. That's not good. Not good at all. Curtis Painter returns to lead a Purdue attack that almost upset the Lions in Happy Valley in 2007. However, gone is their best WR, Dorian Bryant. That won't be too much to overcome for the Boilermakers as they'll spread the Lions out and dink and dunk all day. Turnovers will hold the key for a game that could go either way.

Prediction: PSU 24 Purdue 28

Oct 11 - @ Wisconsin – 8pm – ABC/ESPN

Outlook: Now it gets nasty with a primetime game in one of the toughest places to play, Madison, Wisconsin. The Big10 certainly didn't do PSU any favors with the schedule as the Lions play a stretch of the best of the conference in consecutive weeks with 4 of the 5 games on the road. PJ Hill and Travis Beckum will prove too much for the Lions to overcome as they drop their second road game in a row. The contest is fraught with douchebag moves by King Douche, Bret Beliema and ultra-conservative play calling, courtesy of JoePa.

Prediction: PSU 13 Wisconsin 20

Oct 18 – Michigan – 4:30pm – ESPN

Outlook: Michigan comes to town with so many questions, it's ridiculous. DickRod will try to install his high-flying offense with a totally inexperienced QB. The Wolverines lost a load on offense as Jake Long, Chad Henne, Mario Manningham and Mike "Michigan Man" Hart all left for the NFL. They do, however, return one of the best defenses in the league. PSU has enough to finally end the losing streak to Michigan at 9 games, and I believe the homecoming crowd will help them do it emphatically.

Prediction: PSU 34 Michigan 13

Oct 25 - @ Ohio State – 8pm – ABC/ESPN

Outlook: This game isn't even worth writing about. OSU OWNS Penn State in Columbus. We've never won there since joining the Big10. Heck, the Lions have never scored more than 13 points there! OSU is loaded, everywhere. Chalk up road loss #3.

Prediction: PSU 10 OSU 28

Nov 1 – Bye – at least it's not a road loss.

Nov 8 - @ Iowa – TBA

Outlook: PSU hasn't won in Iowa since 1999. Look for that trend to change this year as Iowa is just falling apart under Kirk Ferentz. Their QB stinks. Their defense is terrible. They lost their top three running backs from last year and are leaning towards starting a walk-on, former fullback. They lost their top two wideouts. If PSU loses this game after a bye week, I will eat my mattress.

Prediction: PSU 24 Iowa 9

Nov 15 – Indiana – TBA – Likely Big Ten Network

Outlook: Not much to say here either. After making their first bowl since the early '90s, the Hoosiers return to form as the doormat of the Big10. QB Kellen Lewis is dangerous, but has no one to deliver the ball to. Penn State stays perfect against Indiana.

Prediction: PSU 35 Indiana 13

Nov 22 – Michigan State – TBA – likely ABC/ESPN

Outlook: In what may be billed as Paterno's final regular season game, the Lions will avenge yet another terrible loss from the 2007 campaign. PSU blew a 17 point second half lead to lose to the Spartans in East Lansing. On senior day, look for the Lions to come out smoking. PSU hasn't lost at home to Michigan State since 1965 and I don't expect that to change in 2008. The Spartans bring some serious talent and discipline instilled by second year coach, Mark D'Antoni, but it won't be enough to stop the Lions from sending Paterno out with a win in his Beaver Stadium finale.

Prediction: PSU 27 MSU 23

Regular season record: 9-3

Bowl prediction: I stole this, but I really like it:

Lions play LSU in the Outback Bowl on New Year's day.