Handing Out Some Hardware - Premier of the Tony Awards

"Hey Jessica, I think I'm part of pop culture thanks to you." - Tony
"Pop like soda or pop like popcorn?" - Jessica
"Nevermind, let's go bone on the beaches of Mexico." - Tony
"YAY for penises!!" - Jessica

Here we are, creeping up on week 2 and there's still so much left to do for week 1. A Little Slap and Pickle presents the first weekly installment of the 2008 awards that celebrate one player from each winning team that helped to seal the deal for their respective owner. Without further ado, the 2008 Tony Awards!!

Melvin def. Dave - The Tony goes to Reggie Bush. Melvin's day could have ended catastrophically, well, it actually did. But he still managed to pull out the win thanks to a monster day from Mr. Bush. Reggie totaled 28 points and mixed it up with receiving and rushing yards and caught a nifty screen pass for a 42 yard touchdown in there as well. With model-pumping QB out for the year, Melvin will lean heavily on Bush for the rest of the season.

Hefty def. Mike - The Tony goes to Michael Turner. I know, I know, he was already listed as a Magnum in our earlier column. But how can you possibly disregard 40.5 points from a running back?! With a regular week from Turner, Hefty would have lost by 15 and probably would be looking for some bullwinkle and a ZJ from some back-street boy in Doylestown. Man, it's a good thing Turner had the game he did!

Craig def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Marion Barber III. Dude ripped 23.5 points and only played 2.5 quarters. Injuries aside, that's production his general manager can certainly live with. Jericho Cotchery gets strong consideration for his fist rendezvous with Brett Favre, but I have a feeling Ol' Jericho will put his name on the Tony list before the season is through.

Shelby def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Frank Gore. Shelby's highest scorer of the day came through huge in the 2nd round of Sunday games. He may not be able to put up similar numbers in lowly San Fran all season long, but he's at least made one skidmark on the underpants of week 1.

Adam def. Jordan - The Tony goes to DonoVan McNabb. Yes, another repeat from our Magnums section. The problem here is that the rest of Adam's team was so mediocre, I couldn't pick any of them in good conscience. If McNabb was able to put up these number with D squad receivers, imagine what he'll do when his top two boys are actually healthy. A stiff, hard, pulsating test awaits next Monday night as the Birds visit Big D.

Rich def. Shawn - The Tony goes to John Kitna. Even though his team got smoked, Kitna played a pretty solid game for the Lions who were purported to be using a run focused offensive attack in 2008. That's a hard plan to follow when you go down 21-0 in the first quarter. Surprisingly, Kitna was able to avoid turnovers and thus made up for the frightful day of Rich's TE, Todd Heap, who scored -1.5 in a total let down. JAP SLAP!!

Magnums and Extra Slims: Week 1

Hey! That's not the Magnum I expected to see!!

In a take from Hefty's previously, wildly successful column, Bajingos and Sasquatches, I bring you Magnums and Extra Slims (it's a working title). We'll explore who scored stud-like points and who really shat the bed during week 1.

Extra Slims

1. Marques Colston - Right here is the #25 overall pick in our league this year. He went high in every draft I've seen. Drew Brees threw for 343 and his best receiver only got 26 yards on 3 catches? WTF is that about? The Saints are sure to spread the ball around all season, which means it'll be feast or famine every week for Mr. Colston.

2. Aaron's Runningbacks - CLINTON! and JAMAL! combined for 15.5 points. The Browns had to abandon the running game after they got bitch-slapped by Romo and the Cowboys. The Redskins o-line couldn't create holes in a wet paper bag against the Giants. Neither found the end zone in an abysmal first week for the backfield of Old Burrito Rice. Things will turn around, but perhaps not as soon as Aaron would like. Lewis faces the Steelers in prime-time next week.

3. Carson Palmer - Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. His team is atrocious and Palmer doesn't look like he's strong enough to carry them on his back. The Bungles faced a team with less offensive potential than any I've ever seen and still couldn't put this one away. Heck, their terrible defense has more touchdowns than the offense! Carson finished the day with 99 yards on 10 completions and an interception. The only hope for Palmer to return to pro-bowl form is for him to get traded to a team that doesn't have the locker room discord currently found in Cincinnati.

4. Jacksonville Runningbacks - Fred Taylor and MoJo Drew were expected to provide fantasy owners with weeks of solid scoring. Not so against a solid, but unspectacular Titans defense. On the whole, the duo combined for only 77 total yards of offense. Word out of Florida is two starting o-linemen might be out for the year as well. Tread lightly if you own either Jag RB.

5. Kevin Boss - ZERO POINTS. That is all.

Magnums

1. Michael Turner - I don't think anyone saw this one coming. Sure the Falcons like to run the ball, but Turner's effort on Sunday was amazing. He totted the rock for 220 yards and a touchdown, all on just 22 carries (11yds/carry if anyone's counting). Granted, he played against a defense that looked like it was playing hide-and-go-fuck-yourself, but nonetheless, 40.5 points is 40.5 points.

2. Willie Parker - Fast Willie totaled 2 touchdowns in 2007, much to the chagrin of Mr. Walbert. He'd eclipsed that total with 9 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter of his first game of the season in 2008. Right now, he looks like a steal for Jonesy as it's obvious the Steelers are still committed to the run and their o-line is playing with a chip on its collective shoulder after hearing negative press all off-season. Parker got most of the 3rd and 4th quarters off and was still able to amass 32 points.

3. Donovan McNabb - Amazingly enough, Davis didn't take Tom Brady with his first pick, and it seems to have already paid dividends. McNabb sliced and diced the Rams with a depleted receiver corp to the tune of 361 yards and 3 TDs.

4. Hines Ward - The forgotten man in Pittsburgh was claimed to be too old and too slow to keep up with his younger running mate, Santonio Holmes. Well folks, if you didn't already know Ward still has high-level fantasy value. His quarterback doesn't make many mistakes and puts the ball on the money when it counts. Ward walks away from week 1 with two TDs on just 6 total receptions and 76 yards.

5. Bears Defense - They set the tone early and often in their game against the Colts in week 1. Not only did they get after Peyton Manning with 2 sacks, but they caused a fumble that was returned for a touchdown and recorded a safety against what is supposed to be one of the best offensive teams in the entire NFL. Their 24 points tied with the Cardinals (Shelby, take note) for #2 amongst defenses. They also sealed the victory for Melvin and his trauma unit.

Week 1 Photo Finishes

There's REALLY only one game in question headed into tonights game.

Skidmark - 124.8 with Donald Driver vs. Terrible Bowels - 136.9 (12.1 difference). 11 wide outs in our league topped 12.1 points yesterday. That's just under 1/3 of all the starting receivers. The odds favor Driver NOT reaching that level. However, the Pack is playing the NFL's worst defense from 2007 and have often shown a penchant for big plays in the passing game. Of course, that was with Brett Favre who still throws the best deep ball in the league. If Aaron Rodgers had a few more games under his belt, I'd feel better about picking Skidmark. Until he proves otherwise, I'm going to bet against him. The Terrible Bowels win by less than 3 points.

Stinkpalmers - 81.1 with Bernard Berrian vs. Poopy heads - 102.7 (21.6 difference). Berrian is going to need to have a break-out game to give Dave any hope against Melvin. DDPH needs this win pretty badly, as his meal ticket, Tom Brady, is out for the year. I'm saying he gets it and it's not close.

The Most Accurate Thing You'll Ever Read Ever Ever

Not pictured: My raging boner.

First of all, let me say how proud I am of Craig. His first day on the job, and he's already banged out two preview columns. Well done, sir. You're the perfect running mate for my presidential campaign. There I am; John McCain...can't lift my arms, old, fat cheeks, weakened, cranky, and smell like a three day old French Onion soup, and here you come, my Sarah Palin...ready to breathe new life into a dying effort. Well done, good sir.

Unfortunately for Craig, I'm stepping on his two previous posts for a rare spectacle of Bloggery, but it's necessary. The NFL season officially started 46 minutes ago, and I have yet to chime in on the state of the 2008 Philadelphia Eagles. So sorry Craig, but I've gotta take center stage.

The 2008 Eagles enter the season with some new faces (yo, Asante!!), some disgruntled faces (wassamattayou, Lito??), and some faces that look especially bloated in High Def (dear Lord, Andy). I've seen a number of previews on the Eagles this season, and the hopes are generally high. Both Dr. Z and Gene Wojciechowskisiskworski have the Eagles in the Super Bowl (although losing to the Pats, a scenario that would make me remove my rectum with a garden rake), and I'd say 95% of the other predictions have the Eagles no worse than a wild card team. Do I agree? I think so, but let's sloooooooow it down and take things one game at a time.

Joining me for this year's prognostications is my on again-off again lover, Miss Crown Royal. Needless to say, we're on. And IT'S on. Let's go.

Week 1: vs. Rams
Let's put it this way, this is the week where I'm really glad I went with Brian Westbrook over Adrian Peterson. The Eagles really shouldn't struggle with this game at all, and I see it as a good opportunity for the wideouts to develop chemistry with Donovan to start the season while Kevin Curtis is out. The one thing the Eagles have going against them is Andy Reid's history in season openers, which is something like 3-7. I absolutely think they'll win, but there's probably still some rust on the chainsaw.
Eagles 24, Rams 17 (Record: 1-0)

Week 2: @ Cowboys (MNF)
I think the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, and although the wheels could definitely come off this team at some point, Week 2 is way too early. Dallas is too talented, and I definitely think people are underestimating the Pacman Jones impact. He's like Devin Hester, if only Devin Hester could play cornerback and not just be a gimmicky wide reciever (remember, Hester was drafted as a CB). I think we put up a decent fight, but Dallas wins, regardless of whether Jessica, Ashlee, or OJ Simpson is in the crowd to cheer on Tony Romo.
Eagles 23, Cowboys 31 (Record: 1-1)

Week 3: vs. Steelers
Me and Deewaan are going to this game because he's the coolest Best Man who's ever Best Manned. The Steelers absolutely throttled the Eagles the last time they played, back in 2004, but the tables should be turned this year. The Steelers have questions on both sides of the line of scrimmage, and that's probably where the Eagles are most solid this year. Besides, I'd have to be an idiot to pick the Steelers in a game where my yinzer wife was tagging along.
Eagles 28, Steelers 16 (Record: 2-1)

Week 4: @ Bears (SNF)
The Eagles giftwrapped a game for the Bears last year, making Brian Greise look like John Elway as he led Chicago on a historic 2 minute drive. I say historic because I don't think I've ever seen 11 men all quit at the exact same moment, but that's exactly what the Eagles defense did. It was unreal. Anyway, Donovan McNabb usually plays well in his hometown, and I expect the wide recievers to have built a good bit of confidence by this point in the season. I'll also put this on paper...after this game, people will be asking if DeSean Jackson is the NEW Devin Hester. No, tools, he's better.
Eagles 34, Bears 13 (Record: 3-1)

Week 5: vs. Redskins
I'm watching the Redskins right now. I know they're playing the Super Bowl champs and everything, but you know what they look like???? Thawed out dogshit.
Eagles 35, Redskins 10 (Record: 4-1)

Week 6: @49ers
This game's not until 4:15, which means I'll have to wait three hours longer than I'd like to watch Asante Samuel return two JT O'Sullivan picks for touchdowns. Oh well, I can wait.
Eagles 42, 49ers 6 (Record: 5-1)

Week 7: BYE

Week 8: vs. Falcons
Andy Reid wins every game following a bye week. The Falcons are possibly picking #1 in next year's draft. I know the last three games I've picked have been Eagles blowouts, but honestly, they could make the spread on this game 30 points and I'd still take the Eagles.
Eagles 45, Falcons 10 (Record: 6-1)

Week 9: @ Seahawks
Bold Prediction - After Julius Jones ruptures a hammy in the season opener, and TJ Duckett runs for less than 30 yards in three straight games, the Seahawks sign Shaun Alexander for the veteran minimum. Inspired to earn another NFL contract and prove he's still got something left in the tank, he reverts to his 2005 form and rushes for 125 yards in his first game back. Crazy, right? Yeah, but other than this scenario, I'm not sure why the Seahawks would be favored in this game. I've got to give the Eagles a loss before my credibility goes flying out the window, so I'll say the game is lost on a freak fumble on a botched field goal attempt.
Eagles 17, Seahawks 24 (Record: 6-2)

Week 10: vs. Giants (SNF)
Watching the season opener tonight, three things impress me...1) The Smooth, Delicious, Warm Flavor of Crown Royal, 2) Megan Fox in the High Def Transformers commercials, and 3) The G-Men. This is the doomsday scenario for the NFC East. The Giants are already playing the "nobody believes in us card" this season, now they're throttling a division opponent and reminding themselves that their quarterback is the reigning Super Bowl MVP. I'll buy the hype. Fun fact: As of this game, we'll know whether McCain or Obama is our next president.
Eagles 21, Giants 28 (Record: 6-3)

Week 11: @ Bengals
Chris Henry won't last the season on Cincinnati's roster, Chad Ocho Cinco's labrum injury will stop him from being a gamebreaker, and the Bengals will regret dumping Rudi Johnson. Seriously, this team has so many dumbasses on it, and they cut a guy who's never had a problem with his coaching staff, his teammates, or the law. Really smart. What's the thesis sentence, English majors?? Here it is. THE BENGALS BLOW AND DO EVERYTHING WRONG.
Eagles 31, Bengals 20 (Record: 7-3)

Week 12: @ Ravens
Joe Flacco's cousin goes to my church. Other than that, I have nothing good to say about this team.
Eagles 20, Ravens 10 (Record: 8-3)

Week 13: vs. Cardinals (Thanksgiving Night)
Here's the second game of the season I'm going to. My only real fear here is that me and my dad are going together, and every time we see an Eagles game together, something horrific happens (see: Ricky Watters "For Who For What", Donovan McNabb's exploding ACL...) I'll be honest with you, I don't care if the Eagles lose by 600 points, so long as I eat four turkey legs and drink three quarts of bourbon. But, since I'm predicting, I'll go with an upset. Cardinals win a lopsided game, as Andy Reid pulls a Paterno and runs off the field mid-game to empty his bowels after nine turkey pot pies.
Eagles 12, Cardinals 31 (Record: 8-4)

Week 14: @ Giants
Super Bowl Champs or not, we don't get swept by Eli and the boys. We've got a long week to recover after the Thanksgiving game, and a lot of film to watch after the loss earlier in the season. The Giants will be the favorites, but they won't win this one.
Eagles 23, Giants 21 (Record: 9-4)

Week 15: vs. Browns (MNF)
I think the Browns might be horrible this season. They're just being hyped too much for a team that hasn't made the playoffs since the glory days of Kelly Holcomb. Jamal Lewis can't possibly have a year like last year, Derek Anderson might have been figured out, and Kellen Winslow might be out of the NFL after President-Elect John McCain reinstates the Selective Service Draft and K2 is a Navy Seal on a black ops mission in Pyongyang hunting down Jordan's girlfriend's uncle.
Eagles 34, Browns 20 (Record: 10-4, Sweep AFC North)

Week 16: @ Redskins
Inspired by the tragic murder of safety LaRon Landry, the Redskins galvanize and come into this game on a three game winning streak, which boosts their season win total to three. However, the magic ends as Donovan and company move into a tie with the Cowboys after this win, setting up a Week 17 showdown for all the marbles.
Eagles 26, Redskins 21 (Record: 11-4)

Week 17: vs. Cowboys
While most teams this week will be trying to lose to gain an extra two slots in the 2009 draft, the Eagles and Cowboys are playing for the division crown, a bye week, and homefield throughout the playoffs. The game gets out of reach just after halftime though, and the Eagles back into the playoffs as the #5 seed, a wild card berth.
Eagles 14, Cowboys 28 (Record: 11-5)

Wild Card Round: @ Cardinals (NFC West Champs)
The Cardinals win this horrible division with a putrid 8-8 record over the Seahawks, who finish at 7-9. Embarrassed by the Thanksgiving Day debacle, the Eagles come out fired up and make this game a laugher by the end of the first quarter. The Cardinals' dynamic duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are so humbled by the loss, that after the game, they beg the Eagles to trade for them in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 38, Cardinals 6

Divisional Round: @ Cowboys (NFC East Champs)
Tony Romo, fresh off a bye-week vacation to Amsterdam with his new celebrity girlfriend, Miley Cyrus, goes 6 for 32 for 61 yards and 3 INTs. Terrell Owens is so pissed off after the game that he demands to be traded in the offseason, and when asked which team he'd be interested in going to, he breaks down crying and begs Donovan McNabb and the Eagles to take him back in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 27, Cowboys 10

NFC Championship: @ Saints (NFC South Champs)
Drew Brees, fresh off his MVP season, is rolling on all cylinders as he spreads the ball around all night to his favorite targets, Reggie Bush, Jeremy Shockey, and Marques Colston (notice I didn't say Robert Meachem!!). The game ends on a controversial call by Andy Reid, who decides to punt on 4th and 2 rather than hand the ball to Pro Bowl fullback Tony Hunt, who's a remarkable 22 for 22 on third and fourth down conversions on the season. The season ends in the Big Easy once again.
Eagles 23, Saints 24

So there you have it. My semi-drunk look in to the future of everybody's favorite hometown team. But seriously, as long as I get those turkey legs and bourbon, they can go 0-16 and I'll be one happy dude.

A Gaze Into the Future - Week 1 Predictions

How many times will Shawn yell "I-Talian Grill" during NFL action this week? Only the Commish knows...

Game 1: Stinkpalmers @ Poopyheads

QB - Anderson vs. Brady - Advantage: Poopyheads
RB - Addai/McGahee vs. Bush/James - Advantage: Stinkpalmers
WR - Burress/S. Moss/Berrian vs. Fitzgerald/Bowe/R. Brown - Advantage: Stinkpalmers
TE - Gates vs. V. Davis - Advantage: Stinkpalmers
D - Patriots vs. Bears - Advantage: Stinkpalmers

This match-up is going to come down to QB and WR play. Brady is in store for a huge day against a terrible Chiefs team, but will it be enough to carry a generally mediocre squad? None of the running backs here impress me and their match-ups aren't favorable. Look for the Poopyheads to play Drew Bennett in place of Reggie Brown, who's nursing a tender hammy.

Winner: Stinkpalmers

Game 2: Dump tanks @ Sharts

QB - McNabb vs. E. Manning - Advantage: Dump tanks
RB - Tomlinson/Jones-Drew vs. Peterson/Maroney - Advantage: Dump tanks
WR - Colston/Galloway/Chambers vs. Housh/Calvin Johnson/Coles - Advantage: Push
TE - Winslow vs. Cooley - Advantage: Push
D - Vikings vs. Colts - Advantage: Sharts

McNabb should have a big day against a suspect Rams defense. The running backs should all do well, but I always like LT and MJD is going up against the Titans. Both Peterson and Maroney COULD hit paydirt, but it's no sure thing. The WRs in this match-up are nothing to get excited about. The only really favorable match-up might be Coles against the Dolphins. I like Winslow more than Cooley, but he's facing a pretty good defense. I pick the Colts over the Vikes because they get to run at the bearded wonder, Kyle Orton, all night in front of a primetime audience.

Winner: Dump tanks in a squeaker.

Game 3: Hot Dogs @ Mayo

QB - P. Manning vs. Palmer - Advantage: Mayo
RB - Gore/R. Williams vs. Parker/F. Taylor - Advantage: Hot Dogs
WR - Holmes/Roy Williams/Gonzalez vs. Owens/Welker/Evans - Advantage: Mayo
TE - Boss vs. H. Miller - Advantage: Mayo
D - Steelers vs. Chargers - Advantage: Mayo

Manning is just coming back from injury and I expect him to struggle. On the other hand, Palmer is throwing to a WR with one arm, another with one leg and a no-name. This might be the grossest match-up of running backs in the history of fantasy football. Neither team can boast two bonafide NFL starters. I believe the wide outs will decide this game and Jonesy's are decidedly better. Kevin Boss? Really?

Winner: Jerod's Mayo

Game 4: Skidmark @ Terrible Bowels

QB - Brees vs. Romo - Advantage: Skidmark
RB - T. Jones/Graham vs. Westbrook/Turner - Advantage: Terrible Bowels
WR - R. Moss/Edwards/Driver vs. A. Johnson/Mason/Gaffney - Advantage: Skidmark
TE - Scheffler vs. Witten - Advantage: Terrible Bowels
D - Titans vs. Eagles - Advantage: Terrible Bowels

Expect both QBs to have a big day. I gave the edge to Brees here because all of his targets are healthy and he's playing at home. Bombs over Cleveland and New Orleans. I predict that the Terrible Bowels strengths and favorable match-ups at RB and TE will make up for a putrid WR group. Neither the Titans nor the Eagles are a very sexy defensive pick this week, but the Birds are facing the Rams who just put in a new offensive system.

Winner: Terrible Bowels

Game 5: Butt Pills @ Shithouse

QB - Kitna vs. Hasselbeck - Advantage: Butt Pills
RB - Jackson/Jacobs vs. Lynch/L. Johnson - Advantage: Push
WR - Wayne/Holt/Ward vs. Chad Johnson/White/Hackett - Advantage: Butt Pills
TE - Heap vs. Shockey - Advantage: Shithouse
D - Giants vs. Packers - Advantage: Shithouse

None of the running backs here have very favorable match-ups. Shithouse is keeping watch as several WRs might end up in the infirmary before the end zone. I look for a big day from Kitna against the Falcons. Ward finds the end zone and provides a boost from the #3 receiving spot.

Winner: Butt Pills

Game 6: Burrito rice @ Colon Blow

QB - Roethlisberger vs. Bulger - Advantage: Burrito rice
RB - Portis/Lewis vs. Barber/K. Smith - Advantage: Colon Blow
WR - Boldin/Harrison/Stallworth vs. Jennings/Cotchery/Burleson - Advantage: Colon Blow
TE - Dallas Clark vs. T. Gonzalez - Advantage: Push
D - Seahawks vs. Jaguars - Advantage: Push

I predict that this will be the most evenly matched game of week 1. Roethlisberger looks like a good match-up on paper against the Texans, but how will the O-line fair? Barber is set to explode out of the gates and the only thing that can slow him down is teammate, Felix Jones. Harrison and Stallworth have face tough defenses, while Jennings, Cotchery and Burleson face three of the worst Ds in the league. Both the Seahawks and the Jags should have their way with unstable offenses.

Winner: Colon Blow - Note: I'm trying to be as objective as possible here.

The State of Penn State - A Season Preview

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Everyone's favorite Nittany Lions are back in action on Saturdays throughout the fall. Since we've all been itching for a taste of football, allow the commish to walk you through this season, Happy Valley style.

EDIT: Watch out for a breaking story in which 4 important players were held out of practice yesterday due to a party and minor drug violation. If anyone is kicked off the team, it could hold serious repercussions for the rest of the season, especially on defense.

Key Offensive Returnees: The WR Smurfs (Williams, Butler, Norwood); RB Evan Royster (over 6 yds/carry in limited play last year); the ENTIRE o-line anchored by senior C AQ Shipley.

Key Defensive Returnees: DE Maurice Evans (12.5 sacks in 2007); S Anthony Scirrotto; DT's Jared Odrick and Abe Koroma

Key Losses: RB Rodney Kinlaw, DTs Chris Baker and Phil Taylor (suspension led to transfers); CB Justin King; WR Chris Bell (highly-touted, underperforming, pulled a knife on a teammate during the off season); LB Sean Lee (out for the year with torn ACL); DT Devon Still (out for the year with broken ankle)

Key Newcomers: RB Stephon Green (redshirt freshman runs a reported 4.25/40 and is from JoePa's hood, Brooklyn); QBs Daryll Clark and Pat Devlin (a reported fierce battle this preseason led to Clark being named the starter but Devlin assured playing time);

Schedule – Outlook - Predictions:

Aug 30 – Coastal Carolina – 12pm – Big Ten Network

Outlook: Let's be serious. This is a joke of a game against a school that has only played football since 2002. Further review shows that this D1-AA institution employs an athletics director who went to Penn State and played for Paterno. This is a money grab and little else. It will tell us nothing about the team. Hopefully Clark and Devlin both get good minutes and no one gets hurt.

Prediction: PSU 56 CC 6 - Actual: PSU 66 CC 10

Sept 6 – Oregon State – 3:30pm – ABC Regional

Outlook: The Beavers make a visit to Beaver Stadium. Children cry, women scream, the world implodes and men everywhere chuckle. The game should NOT be close, but it will be due to inexplicable play calling by the dunce of an offensive coordinator known as Jay Paterno. The Beavers are breaking in an entirely new front 7. They have a decent secondary and some talent at the wideout position. Their QB play last year made Anthony Morrelli look like a Heisman winner and they lost their #1 RB to the draft. We should be able to run at will, but JayPa will figure out a way to leave our defense on the field much longer than they should be.

Prediction: PSU 34 OrSU 23

Sept 13 - @ Syracuse – 3:30pm – ABC Regional

Outlook: It's a good thing I'm writing this now, but cause I'll probably be too drunk to remember actually attending this game. This SHOULD be a slam dunk. Just like in 2005 when Penn State went on the road to Northwestern, right? RIGHT?! No, it won't be like that. After a sluggish first half, the Lions dominate the trenches and run for almost 400 yards. Greg Robinson crawls into the nearest bottle of scotch and tries to forget the fact that he chose to coach football at a basketball school.

Prediction: PSU 45 'Cuse 17

Sept 20 – Temple – TBA – Big Ten Network

Outlook: Former PSU assistant and player, Al Golden, has the Owls on the verge of respectability. Granted they play in the MAC, but they still won 4 games last year which was one more than the previous 3 seasons combined. They also won 3 games in a row for the first time since 1985. The Lions have shutout the Owls to the tune of 47-0 and 31-0 over the last two years. Look for Temple to get on the score board this year, but it won't be enough to stop Penn State from moving to 4-0.

Prediction: PSU 37 Temple 16

Sept 27 – Illinois – 8pm – ABC/ESPN

Outlook: Simply put: Penn State was a better team than Illinois last year. They played in the Rose Bowl and the Lions played in the Alamo Bowl. At Champagne in 2007, Penn State had 5 consecutive possessions begin in Illini territory in the second half and came away with ZERO points thanks to four turnovers. These inexcusable miscues lost the game for PSU. As Illinois comes back to Beaver stadium in 2008 for the Big10 opener, you can bet that the Lions are still smarting from such a sour defeat. Illinois will have a tough time replacing All-American LB, J. Leham and Big10 Offensive Player of the Year, Reshard Mendenhall, but their defensive line may be up to the task. They also have sure-fire first rounder, Vontea Davis, at cornerback. Penn State will look to score on the ground and contain WR Arrilious Benn who burned the Lions for a return TD in 2007.

Prediction: PSU 34 Illinois 28

Oct 4 - @ Purdue – TBA

Outlook: The first true road test of the season. The only year this decade that PSU has a winning record on the road is 2005. That's not good. Not good at all. Curtis Painter returns to lead a Purdue attack that almost upset the Lions in Happy Valley in 2007. However, gone is their best WR, Dorian Bryant. That won't be too much to overcome for the Boilermakers as they'll spread the Lions out and dink and dunk all day. Turnovers will hold the key for a game that could go either way.

Prediction: PSU 24 Purdue 28

Oct 11 - @ Wisconsin – 8pm – ABC/ESPN

Outlook: Now it gets nasty with a primetime game in one of the toughest places to play, Madison, Wisconsin. The Big10 certainly didn't do PSU any favors with the schedule as the Lions play a stretch of the best of the conference in consecutive weeks with 4 of the 5 games on the road. PJ Hill and Travis Beckum will prove too much for the Lions to overcome as they drop their second road game in a row. The contest is fraught with douchebag moves by King Douche, Bret Beliema and ultra-conservative play calling, courtesy of JoePa.

Prediction: PSU 13 Wisconsin 20

Oct 18 – Michigan – 4:30pm – ESPN

Outlook: Michigan comes to town with so many questions, it's ridiculous. DickRod will try to install his high-flying offense with a totally inexperienced QB. The Wolverines lost a load on offense as Jake Long, Chad Henne, Mario Manningham and Mike "Michigan Man" Hart all left for the NFL. They do, however, return one of the best defenses in the league. PSU has enough to finally end the losing streak to Michigan at 9 games, and I believe the homecoming crowd will help them do it emphatically.

Prediction: PSU 34 Michigan 13

Oct 25 - @ Ohio State – 8pm – ABC/ESPN

Outlook: This game isn't even worth writing about. OSU OWNS Penn State in Columbus. We've never won there since joining the Big10. Heck, the Lions have never scored more than 13 points there! OSU is loaded, everywhere. Chalk up road loss #3.

Prediction: PSU 10 OSU 28

Nov 1 – Bye – at least it's not a road loss.

Nov 8 - @ Iowa – TBA

Outlook: PSU hasn't won in Iowa since 1999. Look for that trend to change this year as Iowa is just falling apart under Kirk Ferentz. Their QB stinks. Their defense is terrible. They lost their top three running backs from last year and are leaning towards starting a walk-on, former fullback. They lost their top two wideouts. If PSU loses this game after a bye week, I will eat my mattress.

Prediction: PSU 24 Iowa 9

Nov 15 – Indiana – TBA – Likely Big Ten Network

Outlook: Not much to say here either. After making their first bowl since the early '90s, the Hoosiers return to form as the doormat of the Big10. QB Kellen Lewis is dangerous, but has no one to deliver the ball to. Penn State stays perfect against Indiana.

Prediction: PSU 35 Indiana 13

Nov 22 – Michigan State – TBA – likely ABC/ESPN

Outlook: In what may be billed as Paterno's final regular season game, the Lions will avenge yet another terrible loss from the 2007 campaign. PSU blew a 17 point second half lead to lose to the Spartans in East Lansing. On senior day, look for the Lions to come out smoking. PSU hasn't lost at home to Michigan State since 1965 and I don't expect that to change in 2008. The Spartans bring some serious talent and discipline instilled by second year coach, Mark D'Antoni, but it won't be enough to stop the Lions from sending Paterno out with a win in his Beaver Stadium finale.

Prediction: PSU 27 MSU 23

Regular season record: 9-3

Bowl prediction: I stole this, but I really like it:

Lions play LSU in the Outback Bowl on New Year's day.

Pulling A Favre

I'm following my heart and going out on top.
Or am I?????

OK. You came here expecting draft grades. But I've got an unfortunate site announcement. Brace yourself.

I don't think I've got it in me this year. I'm hanging up my blogging shoes.

Why? A number of reasons, which I'll now list in no particular order:

1. My work situation: When I ran this site last year, I was working in a doublewide up in rural Bath where I had a direct supervisor about two days a week. Now, I'm in our main office, and can't even keep Hotmail up for 30 seconds without a vice president gliding down the hall and checking out my 22" monitor to make sure I'm getting my TPS reports done in time. Trust me, I did a LOT of the blogging at work last year, and it's just not possible now.

2. The house: Frankly, when I come home from work, there's a lot of shit to do. I can't justify spending 90 minutes on Bajingos and Sasquatches while there's lighting fixtures to hang and boxes to unpack.

3. The letdown factor: Last year was the best year of my illustrious fantasy career, and I won my first ever championship. Blogging along the way made it even more fun, but I'm worried I can't top the experience, and if I'm not into it, the work will suck.

4. My dear readers: You deserve the finest quality blog your non-money can buy. I worry that I'm out of jokes, out of outrageous Google Image photos, and out of Karate Kid YouTube videos. I don't want to be giving you a run of the mill site, and that's probably what you'd be getting.

5. Kal Penn: The last two movies I saw with him in it sucked. "Epic Movie" and "Bachelor Party Vegas" were so lame that I worry that I may be starting to sour on everybody's favorite Bengali Bombshell.

6. The wife: I've got some serious banging to do.

So, that's the deal. If you hated the blog, this is good news. If you enjoyed the blog, I apologize. I do however promise the same high quality material you've come to expect from every group e-mail I send.

As a parting gift, I will offer you my abbreviated preseason post-draft power rankings, with limited commentary where necessary. Enjoy.

1. Jordan - Manning/Favre is a pretty good combo, even if I hate them both with all my soul. He's also got a guy who could have been the #1 pick at #3, Adrian Peterson. If Peterson is healthy, Jordan's the top team.

2. Craig - I hate the QB's, but Marion Barber and Ryan Grant is the best combo backfield of any team in the league.

3. Davis - Tomlinson leads the way, but there's a lot of high ceiling guys here like MoJo Drew, McNabb and Marques Colston. Kellen Winslow is a double digit touchdown guy this year, no question about it.

4. Hefty - I took the homer route and picked Westbrook. Then in the next round, I went polar opposite and took the face of my least favorite franchise in all of sports, Tony Romo. That's called hedging your bets, and it basically means I'm a pussy.

5. Mike - I think Drew Brees will end up with the best QB stats in the league this year. I also love the WR-WR strategy to get Moss and Braylon Edwards, however, as you can guess, it means he's starting two warm corpses at RB.

6. Shawn - This year, Shawn rolls with the hot rooks at running back, Darren Mc Fadden and Jonathan Stewart. He's also got Marshawn Lynch and Larry Johnson. Very deep team, with only one torn labrum standing between him and an excellent draft.

7. Melvin - I obviously love the Tom Brady pick, but the rest of the team has a lot of holes. Still, Melvin should definitely win more than one matchup this year.

8. Deewaan - I'm not a real big Derek Anderson guy, but this team is well drafted, with a lot of quality starters and some backups with potential to contribute.

9. Aaron - Overall, a smart draft, with a couple of hiccups. He handcuffed Portis with Betts, and if Marvin Harrison can keep his hands off of firearms this season, he could be the steal of the draft.

10. Jonesy - I'm hoping TO has a big year now that I have Romo, and I think the other starting wideouts are solid as well. A lot of reaches in the draft, but overall, not bad for a first effort in the league.

11. Shelby - I think Peyton is going to have a down year. He may not be ready for Week 1, and there's questions about MarHar. I don't love the running backs here, and I don't even like the wide receivers.

12. Rich - What a difference a year makes. Last year's preseason number 1 finds himself at the bottom of the rankings as he rolls out a baffling draft strategy. Three mediocre quarterbacks, only three running backs, two tight ends and two defenses. Must have been a fun honeymoon.

So there you have it. My first and possibly last posting of the season. If something big happens, I may chime in at some point during the season, but for now, I'm happy to watch this season from the sidelines and just enjoy riding my tractor in Mississippi with a fresh new pair of Wranglers.