Week 8 Power Rankings: Saturday Morning Cartoon Edition

Ok, so I haven't done power rankings since week 5. A lot has changed since then. I'm going with the new theme. I hope you enjoy it.



#1 Melvin (7-1, L1, 118.4 avg, Previously #1) - He-Man. I didn't think much of Melvin's team when he first drafted. But just like Prince Adam lifting his sword on high for the POWER of GRAYSKULL to become He-Man, the PoopyHeads are alone on top of the league standings. Missing Reggie Bush, though, could make his team more like She-Ra.


#2 Hefty (6-2, W1, 119.7 avg, Previously #3) - Lionel of Thundercats. Personally, I can't think of a guy that better represents Hefty than one with a sword that grows and yells HOOOOOOO!! to gather a crowd. The Terrible Bowels lead the league in scoring average and have taken dead aim at the top spot.


#3 Jordan (6-2, W2, 110.8 avg, Previously #4) - Voltron. The Sharts have been on quite a tear during the last three weeks. I liken Jordan to Voltron, because while he doesn't have a ton of studs on his team, he's able to piece together a winner. Plus, Voltron is just badass. Raise your hand if you didn't want to be on that intergalactic, evil fighting team. No one? I didn't think so.


#4 Craig (4-4, W1, 112.9 avg, Previously #6) - C.O.B.R.A. Commander. You think you might have beaten me into submission, Joes. But I will never rest. I will wait to strike and take down your leaders one at a time! The mighty Joes will weep when I take over their beloved country!! Isn't my see-through mask cool as well? Pretty badass, I know.


#5 Rich (4-4, L1, 104.3 avg, Previously #5) - Bumble Bee. Rich isn't doing a whole heck of a lot. He's here, making a play, rescuing his buddies every now and again. He's not flashy, but he gets the job done. He's right in the mix of things, though I would like to see higher than the #7 scoring average.


#6 Mike (3-5, L1, 114.1 avg, Previously #7) - Pinky and the Brain. Try, try, try as he may, Mike cannot just make any headway in his attempt to take over the worl, er, league. He's number 3 in scoring average and only has 3 wins to show for it. Again, I think he's a playoff team, but he's gotta win at least 3 of the last 5 games.

#7 Shawn (3-5, L2, 105 avg, Previously #8) - Mum-Ra of the Thundercats. Yes, I know I already used a Thundercats character. But doesn't Shawn remind you of Mum-Ra? You know. How he's half Egyptian and they have mummies in Egypt and it's like Mum-Ra? No? Shit, this one needs a re-write. Shawn is right in the middle of the pack in scoring average and on the fence of being a playoff team.


#8 Dave (3-5, W3, 98.8 avg, Previously #12) - Captain Planet. Dave was down and out just three weeks and one power ranking ago. Now he's flying high on three straight, convincing wins. I see more wins in the future. Dave's team isn't really like Captain Planet, except for the little faggie kid that uses his "heart" ring to make the Captain appear. No, Dave just looks like Captain Planet. Seriously, click on this picture, it's uncanny.


#9 Shelby (5-3, L3, 92.4 avg, Previously #2) - Hadji from Johnny Quest. This kid is one of the more douchey characters in all of Saturday TV. He really serves no purpose except for infrequent comic relief. Shelby has the lowest scoring average in the league and I'm still shocked that he was able to win 5 games. Three loses in a row have moved him to the lower 3rd of the power rankings.


#10 Jonesy (3-5, W2, 94.3 avg, Previously #10) - Papa Smurf. Jonesy is straight chillin' in our league. I'd like to think when Papa Smurf wasn't on camera, he was hittin' a flask and playing some grab-ass with some young lady smurfs. That's how I like to think of Jonesy down there in South Cack with the beach and undergrads on his doorstep. He's also 3-1 over his last 4, so his team is showing signs up life. He'll probably have to win 4 of his last 5 to get into the playoffs, but stranger things have happened.


#11 Davis (3-5, L2, 95.5 avg, Previously #9) - Counselor John from Camp Candy. Camp Candy had to be one of the lamer creations of an over-weight, moderately funny comedian. Now he's dead and Camp Candy is no more. Our children are so deprived. I think the playoffs will also be deprived of the Dump Tanks. Davis is 1-4 over his last 5.


#12 Aaron (1-7, W1, 96.1 avg, Previously #11) - Tenderheart Bear from the Care Bears. Aaron won a game!! He's also lost 7. That's tough to swallow, but you'll never see anything but a smile on his face! The ultimate optimist is having fun, even if he's not winning. He's also quite cuddly, I've heard anyway...

The Tony Awards: Week 8 (&7)

"I'm singin' the bluuuuuuues with a busted digit."

Week 8 has passed, well, so has 7, but I wasn't on my game. Here's some awards for studs that made the difference over the past few weeks.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Do we really have to call these things the Tonys still? The guy is a a little off and now he's like Barbaro with a broken bone. I really don't see him coming back from this. Ever.

WEEK 8:

Craig def. Melvin - And the Tony goes to Donnie Avery. The rook continued his three game tear by taking a dump all over the Patriots banged-up secondary. 160+ yards and a TD made for a fine waiver-wire pickup for Colon Blow.

Jordan def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Dominic Rhodes. Of the two fill-in RBs on the Sharts, it was Mr. Rhodes who fended off the hot pursuits of Skidmark during MNF. His 14 points kept Mike frustrated once again as he has the 3rd highest scoring average in the league and only 3 wins to show for it.

Jonesy def. Rich - And the Tony goes to Mewelde Moore. Another fill in RB with a big day. He busted a long run early on against the Giants when the Steelers O-line actually looked decent. He scored for the second week in a row and remains a viable option until Fast Willie Parker comes back to the lineup.

Dave def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Santana Moss. Moss was a one man show for the StinkPalmers and our league doesn't even give points for punt return TDs (change on the horizon) and he still scored almost 30 points. Don't look now, but Dave has the longest winning streak in the league. He's getting hot at the right time.

Hefty def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Brian Westbrook. Holy come-back, Batman. Westbrook had something ridiculous like 167 rushing yards and 2 TDs plus a bunch of receiving yards as the Eagles took down the Falcons at home. The Terrible Bowels is the highest scoring team in the league thanks to the Westbrook/Turner duo.

Aaron def. Davis - And the Tony goes to super duper hugs of joy and big rainbow high-fives!!! I've waited all year to award someone from Aaron's team. Good job on breaking through, big guy!! Hopefully you can keep that MO going. The actual award goes to Anquan Boldin for healing so quickly it would make Wolverine proud. Come to think of it, Boldin is a lot like Wolverine now. They both have adamantium fused to their facial bones. Right? Right!


Week 7:

Mike def. Craig - Chris Johnson
Rich def. Hefty - Steven Jackson
Melvin def. Shawn - Bears D
Jonesy def. Aaron - Mewelde Moore
Jordan def. Shelby - Owen Daniels (21 pts from a TE!?)
Dave def. Adam - Willis McGahee

Week 8: Photo Finishes

We're baaaack! After 3 weeks of ridiculous work loads and general apathy towards anything else, the writer(s) of ALSAP are back to bring you down the stretch of the last 8 weeks of fantasy football fun!! Let's kick things off with some tight games that will be hashed out during MNF in Tennessee tonight!

Jordan (+14.8, Dominic Rhodes) vs. Mike (Chris Johnson, Titan's D) - Not many teams have been able to run on the Titans this year. In fact, they're giving up only 90 yards a game on the ground. That's tough sledding for a Indianapolis team that has had O-line issues all season. Conversely, the Colts rank 29th in the NFL at stopping the run. Look for big doses of Johnson and fatty LenDale White so they don't have to rely on Kerry Collins. Though the Titans D has scored massive points this year, the Colts usually take care of the ball. Jordan needs a TD from Rhodes and this one is all but over.
Prediction: Jordan squeaks it out.

Jonesy (+32.6) vs. Rich (Reggie Wayne, LenDale White) - Can Jonesy weather the storm? White had 3 TDs a week ago against the hapless Chiefs. Will Wayne have a big game or will Marvin Harrison steal the show on national television? His 3 points against the Packers last week is cause for concern.
Prediction: Rich gets close, but Jonesy pulls in his third victory of the year.

Aaron (+4.9, Dallas Clark) vs. Adam (Bo Scaife) - Oh how I've yearned for a battle of tight ends all season!! Both Clark and Scaife have been inconsistent scoring anywhere between 0.5 and 14 points. Who will make the big catch and propell their fantasy owner to victory? Probably Aaron will be the only one that knows since Adam will be watching WS game 5.
Prediction: Aaron gets by on the strength of a Clark TD and picks up his first victory.

Shawn (+10.6) vs. Hefty (Rob Bironas) - Fun with kickers! Yay. They're usually worthless and don't make a difference. But when Josh Reed, Jason Witten and Michael Turner combine for 7.5 points, you need a big day from your placekicker. Bironas has crossed the 11 point threshold only twice this season. He'll need at least 3 field goals to get it done.
Prediction: Shawn wins as Big Leg Rob misses a 50+ yarder to win it for the Titans and for Hefty.

The Tonys: Week 6

"Insert funny caption here!!"

Well, week 6 is in the books. It's time to hand out some hardware. Winners this week should pick up their trophies (pictured above) at my house. I'm making chili this weekend, so stay for a while. Please. I'm lonely.

Craig def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Marion Barber. The dreadlocked wonder singlehandedly put the Cowboys on his back late in the game against the Cards. Unfortunately for Dallas, overtime consisted of a broken finger, a broken foot and a blocked punt for a TD. Fortunately for me, Barber's 70-plus yard TD reception netted me 16.5 points on one play and ended Shelby's sham of an unbeaten streak. NOTE: Play your first round pick no matter what!!

Shawn def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Steve Breaston. This waiver wire pick-up by Shawn scored 21 points from the 3rd WR slot while filling in admirably for the injured Anquan Boldin on the Cardinals. Breaston also helped Shawn squeak by Mike, who lost yet again while going over 100 points.

Hefty def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Tony Romo!! How funny!! Romo's 35 points kept this one well out of reach of Aaron's best efforts and helped Hefty score the most points for the second week in a row. The namesake notches his first weekly award (Namesake - also a decent movie featuring our very own blog-throb, Kal Penn).

Melvin def. Rich - And the Tony goes to Matt Forte. The rook set the tone for the Poopyheads as they had even scoring across the board. He's been a solid performer all year and is actually the 4th highest scoring RB in our league. Consistency as running back is a major reason Melvin is steamrolling the competition.

Dave def. Jordan - And the Tony goes to Philip Rivers. Dave's team gets its first Tony winner, congrats!! Rivers put up a monster 33 points against the fading Patriots to lift Dave from the ranks of the defeated. It'd be nice if you stayed around for a while.

Adam def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to MoJo Drew. Adam's "other" running back finally broke out with a beast of a game. Jones-Drew totted the rock for a cool 125 yards and two scores, including a 46 yard TD scamper. He's likely to continue his roll against the Browns in week 8.

A Pinkie Injury??? A PINKIE INJURY?!?!?!

GET UP, SON, YOU'RE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF!!!

Awesome news out of Big D today, as it seems my fantasy team will be in the hands of Chad Pennington until mid-November. In case you haven't noticed, Pennington hasn't even been the best quarterback on the Dolphins this year; that would be Ronnie Brown, who singlehandedly ensured that Madden 2010 would have the Wildcat formation and a lateral button so you can run the option. Anyway, I'm going to be fun to play for the next month. Enjoy. Especially this week when Turner and Westbrook are on a bye.

Back to the Romo issue though, a pinkie injury??? Are you kidding me??? Listen, when it comes to most injuries, I have no room to talk. I've never torn an MCL, or sprained my high ankle, or even had a sports hernia. So me chastising injured players is laughable. But, here's an issue where I know what I'm talking about.

I've broken exactly one bone in my body during the 25 years I've been on this earth. It was my left pinkie. I was in 9th grade. I played a football game two days later. I didn't miss a practice, let alone a month. I played tight end and actually had a couple of badass receptions in the league championship game, but we lost 8-0 to a team of black kids. I played defensive end, and was slamming my broken digit up against O-lineman all game and didn't come out on a single play. And I feel obligated to remind you that I was 14 and wasn't being paid a dime to play. Tony Romo, you sir, are a gigantic faggot. Tape that bitch up, take a Tylenol, and get your ass back in the game, Veronica.

Week 5 Power Rankings: The Hot Dog Vendor

"Step right up, hunny. Shelby's got a present for ya!!"

So this BS has been going on for 5 weeks and I've done nothing but complain about it. It's Shelby's team. It started with what seemed like by far the worst pick of the first round (P. Manning) and progressed to the Chocolate Hot Dogs eeking out wins against crappy, disgusting, horrid, putrid, ugly, lazy, terrible competition. I said this team was farce. Now I'm the one eating crow. Not only has Shelby's team done well, they haven't lost! Well, a big Chocolate Hot Dog in my face! Shelby is where he finally deserves to be, right near the top of the power rankings.

#1 Melvin (5-0, W5, Previously #1) - There's not a whole lot to say here. Melvin continues to mow down the opponents, though his margin of victory has been getting a little tighter. Kurt Warner is making everyone say "Tom who?" Even when he has a turnover barrage like he did against the Jets, he's still putting up 20+ points on a regular basis. He's at home against a suspect Cowboys pass defense this week.

#2 Shelby (5-0, W5, Previously #5) - I've already said what I need to say. Shelby is pretty much already in the playoffs. Last year's 7 and 8 seeds had 6 wins, so now it's a matter of who he'll play in the winners bracket, not if.

#3 Hefty (4-1, W3, Previously #3) - Romo is starting to make me nervous, but this team is solid all around and thus far has been able to avoid slipping from bye weeks and injuries. Westbrook's long term availability is a major area of concern.

#4 Jordan (4-1, W4, Previously #6) - I was Jordan's most recent whipping boy and let me tell you, it wasn't any fun. The running back situation is tenuous as Maroney is looking like a major first round bust to this point. If Isaac Bruce continues on his trek to the fountain of youth, it could push the Sharts even higher.

#5 Rich (3-2, W1, Previously #4) - This is almost by default that Rich ends up here and still in the top 5. He's the last of the teams with a winning record, parody be damned!!

#6 Craig (2-3, L1, Previously #9) - The muddled middle of our league has no real leader, but this is my column and I'm putting myself here for fun and to make someone else feel like shit. Big weeks are needed out of the RBs and WRs once again as the QB carousel reached it's 4th different starter last week.

#7 Mike (2-3, L1, Previously #8) - I continue to be amazed by the Skidmark misfortune. Still a playoff team, in my opinion. You're also below me because you spent 10 days boning in Cabo, asshole.

#8 Shawn (2-3, L2, Previously #7) - Since we last visited, Oops! has dropped two straight without much of a fight. Larry Johnson and Marshawn Lynch byes may spell further doom in week 6.

#9 Davis (2-3, L2, Previously #2) - This is probably way too low. I forgot I had him ranked #2 after week 3. Oops and double oops. Big problems for Adam, as he's posted only 69 and 85 points in consecutive weeks. Good thing for Adam is LT is starting to put together some solid games.

#10 Jonesy (1-4, W1, Previously #12) - Anal wins! Anal wins! Anal wins! Well, someone had to. He beat Dave in a battle of the bottom dwellers and moves himself out of the power ranking basement. Kyle Orton might be the pick-up of the season so far.

#11 Aaron (0-5, L5, Previously #11) - I like Aaron. He's cute.

#12 Dave (0-5, L5, Previously #10) - I like Dave too, but let's face it, he stinks at fantasy football. Non-titans collide in week 9 as Dave and Aaron finally play to see who's the worst in our league.

The Week 5 Tonys

I was in the pool!!!!

Alas we've come to the week 5 Tony awards. I'm bad at photoshop and bad at humor, but we're not here for comedy, right? Right!? Here's the list of some pretty big badasses that propelled their teams to victory in week 5...

Jordan def. Craig - And the Tony goes to Isaac Bruce. This old guy decided to have his best game of the year against the Patriots and made me look like a moron for starting Brian Griese over JT O'Sullivan. He wasn't Jordan's highest scorer, but he sealed the deal in the afternoon games after Colon Blow had built a healthy lead during the early games.

Melvin def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Kurt Warner. This guy contemplated retirement after taking the blame for getting Aquan Boldin decapitated a week earlier. Then he decided he still wanted to play and led the Cards to a 41 point outburst that vaulted the Poopy Heads to a perfect 5-0 record. I'm pretty sure Melvin is glad you decided to stop being a pussy, Kurt.

Hefty def. Adam - And the Tony goes to Andre Johnson. Let's be honest. This award could have gone to a number of people on the Terrible Bowels. They shat all over the Dump Tanks in the most lopsided game of the week. I goes to Johnson because he finally had the type of game Hefty was expecting when he drafted him. The points will need to continue as Hefty's gem, Westbrook, is looking prrretty dicey for the coming weeks.

Jonesy def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Kyle Orton. WTF?! you say? Yes, the bearded wonder. Kyle Orton. I was sitting there last Thursday, trying to decide if I was going to pick up Griese or Orton. Brian was playing the team allowing the 3rd most fantasy points this season and Orton was playing a joke of a defense in Detroit. I went with Griese and it cost me the game. It won the game for Jonsey, as Orton accounted for nearly a quarter of his point total and got him off the schnide with a win.

Rich def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Brandon Jacobs. This dude wracked up 26.5 points and did almost all of his damage in the first half. Beastly. He got the Butt Pills on the right track in one of week 5's most hotly contested games. Thus far, Jacobs has been able to avoid the injury bug that has plagued him throughout his career.

Shelby def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Peyton Manning. Not a spectacular scoring game from the golden boy, but no one on Shelby's team stood out. It was just consistent scoring all the way through the lineup. Manning was the beneficiary of one of the most ridiculous 4th quarter collapses ever as the Colts scored 3TDs in the final 5 minutes of the game to leave the Texans feeling like they just got ass-raped by Hurricane Ike, again.

The Sportpocalypse Is Upon Us

It's no use, Homer. People just don't listen.

Ah, an October Sunday. My favorite day and my favorite time of year. Perfect for lounging and watching the fully loaded slate of NFL action. Let's check the TV lineup, shall we??

Wait a minute. This is strange...must be a typo.

1:00 PM - Eagles v. Redskins
1:07 PM - Phillies v. Brewers, Game 4 NLDS

I WARNED YOU PEOPLE!!! I WARNED YOU OF THIS IMPENDING DOOM AND THIS LOSE-LOSE SCENARIO!!! I WARNED AND YOU SAT BACK AND MOCKED!!! "OH, GET AN ATTENTION SPAN," YOU SCREAMED!!! WELL NOW WHO'S SCREAMING?!!??! WHO?!?!?!

Seriously, if somebody can tell me how this scenario somehow benefits the game of baseball, please, I'm all ears.

Also, another positive to my "play the World Series in August" theorem that I've thought of since posting the original column: Kids would get to watch the games because they don't have to go to school the next day. Now you're getting a whole new audience hooked, and like the tobacco companies's wettest of dreams, you get them hooked when they're young. Just one more reason why I'm a freaking genius.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a bunker to hole up in.

Week 4 Tonys: Veep Debate Edition

I'm tired and busy, so this will be quick!

Mike def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Drew Brees. The Saints QB picked apart a good 49ers secondary to post 34 points. Mike continues to score well heading into his empty suit managerial week while he's in Cabo for BonerFest '08.

Hefty def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Derrick Mason. The ancient receiver put up big numbers on an ugly Monday night game. He scored 18 points with Joe "The Ostrich" Flacco tossing him the rock. Figure that one out.

Craig def. Dave - The Tony goes to Greg Jennings. Big props to the Blow's whole receiving corps that combined for 69 points to send the team to its second victory. Jennings leads the NFL in receiving yards and scored his first 2 TDs to go along with all those yards.

Jordan def. Shawn - The Tony goes to Brett Favre. How can you ignore a record setting day from one of the NFL's top 10 QBs of all time? 6 TD tosses against the Cardinals, who looked like they'd never seen a football in the air before.

Melvin def. Adam - The Tony goes to Larry Fitzgerald. Melvin's team took a little bit of a scoring dip in week 4, but still pulled out the victory. I refuse to award his highest scorer, Kurt Warner, due to an ungodly amount of turnovers, albeit with 479 passing yards.

Shelby def. Rich - The Tony goes to Jake Delhomme. The Panther's QB put a lot of air under the ball and delivered strike after strike to Mouhammad and Smith. His 27 points help put Rich away on a down week. Take note here. Shelby FINALLY broke the 100 point barrier and did it with three guys scoring ZERO points. Ridiculous.