The Most Accurate Thing You'll Ever Read Ever Ever

Not pictured: My raging boner.

First of all, let me say how proud I am of Craig. His first day on the job, and he's already banged out two preview columns. Well done, sir. You're the perfect running mate for my presidential campaign. There I am; John McCain...can't lift my arms, old, fat cheeks, weakened, cranky, and smell like a three day old French Onion soup, and here you come, my Sarah Palin...ready to breathe new life into a dying effort. Well done, good sir.

Unfortunately for Craig, I'm stepping on his two previous posts for a rare spectacle of Bloggery, but it's necessary. The NFL season officially started 46 minutes ago, and I have yet to chime in on the state of the 2008 Philadelphia Eagles. So sorry Craig, but I've gotta take center stage.

The 2008 Eagles enter the season with some new faces (yo, Asante!!), some disgruntled faces (wassamattayou, Lito??), and some faces that look especially bloated in High Def (dear Lord, Andy). I've seen a number of previews on the Eagles this season, and the hopes are generally high. Both Dr. Z and Gene Wojciechowskisiskworski have the Eagles in the Super Bowl (although losing to the Pats, a scenario that would make me remove my rectum with a garden rake), and I'd say 95% of the other predictions have the Eagles no worse than a wild card team. Do I agree? I think so, but let's sloooooooow it down and take things one game at a time.

Joining me for this year's prognostications is my on again-off again lover, Miss Crown Royal. Needless to say, we're on. And IT'S on. Let's go.

Week 1: vs. Rams
Let's put it this way, this is the week where I'm really glad I went with Brian Westbrook over Adrian Peterson. The Eagles really shouldn't struggle with this game at all, and I see it as a good opportunity for the wideouts to develop chemistry with Donovan to start the season while Kevin Curtis is out. The one thing the Eagles have going against them is Andy Reid's history in season openers, which is something like 3-7. I absolutely think they'll win, but there's probably still some rust on the chainsaw.
Eagles 24, Rams 17 (Record: 1-0)

Week 2: @ Cowboys (MNF)
I think the Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, and although the wheels could definitely come off this team at some point, Week 2 is way too early. Dallas is too talented, and I definitely think people are underestimating the Pacman Jones impact. He's like Devin Hester, if only Devin Hester could play cornerback and not just be a gimmicky wide reciever (remember, Hester was drafted as a CB). I think we put up a decent fight, but Dallas wins, regardless of whether Jessica, Ashlee, or OJ Simpson is in the crowd to cheer on Tony Romo.
Eagles 23, Cowboys 31 (Record: 1-1)

Week 3: vs. Steelers
Me and Deewaan are going to this game because he's the coolest Best Man who's ever Best Manned. The Steelers absolutely throttled the Eagles the last time they played, back in 2004, but the tables should be turned this year. The Steelers have questions on both sides of the line of scrimmage, and that's probably where the Eagles are most solid this year. Besides, I'd have to be an idiot to pick the Steelers in a game where my yinzer wife was tagging along.
Eagles 28, Steelers 16 (Record: 2-1)

Week 4: @ Bears (SNF)
The Eagles giftwrapped a game for the Bears last year, making Brian Greise look like John Elway as he led Chicago on a historic 2 minute drive. I say historic because I don't think I've ever seen 11 men all quit at the exact same moment, but that's exactly what the Eagles defense did. It was unreal. Anyway, Donovan McNabb usually plays well in his hometown, and I expect the wide recievers to have built a good bit of confidence by this point in the season. I'll also put this on paper...after this game, people will be asking if DeSean Jackson is the NEW Devin Hester. No, tools, he's better.
Eagles 34, Bears 13 (Record: 3-1)

Week 5: vs. Redskins
I'm watching the Redskins right now. I know they're playing the Super Bowl champs and everything, but you know what they look like???? Thawed out dogshit.
Eagles 35, Redskins 10 (Record: 4-1)

Week 6: @49ers
This game's not until 4:15, which means I'll have to wait three hours longer than I'd like to watch Asante Samuel return two JT O'Sullivan picks for touchdowns. Oh well, I can wait.
Eagles 42, 49ers 6 (Record: 5-1)

Week 7: BYE

Week 8: vs. Falcons
Andy Reid wins every game following a bye week. The Falcons are possibly picking #1 in next year's draft. I know the last three games I've picked have been Eagles blowouts, but honestly, they could make the spread on this game 30 points and I'd still take the Eagles.
Eagles 45, Falcons 10 (Record: 6-1)

Week 9: @ Seahawks
Bold Prediction - After Julius Jones ruptures a hammy in the season opener, and TJ Duckett runs for less than 30 yards in three straight games, the Seahawks sign Shaun Alexander for the veteran minimum. Inspired to earn another NFL contract and prove he's still got something left in the tank, he reverts to his 2005 form and rushes for 125 yards in his first game back. Crazy, right? Yeah, but other than this scenario, I'm not sure why the Seahawks would be favored in this game. I've got to give the Eagles a loss before my credibility goes flying out the window, so I'll say the game is lost on a freak fumble on a botched field goal attempt.
Eagles 17, Seahawks 24 (Record: 6-2)

Week 10: vs. Giants (SNF)
Watching the season opener tonight, three things impress me...1) The Smooth, Delicious, Warm Flavor of Crown Royal, 2) Megan Fox in the High Def Transformers commercials, and 3) The G-Men. This is the doomsday scenario for the NFC East. The Giants are already playing the "nobody believes in us card" this season, now they're throttling a division opponent and reminding themselves that their quarterback is the reigning Super Bowl MVP. I'll buy the hype. Fun fact: As of this game, we'll know whether McCain or Obama is our next president.
Eagles 21, Giants 28 (Record: 6-3)

Week 11: @ Bengals
Chris Henry won't last the season on Cincinnati's roster, Chad Ocho Cinco's labrum injury will stop him from being a gamebreaker, and the Bengals will regret dumping Rudi Johnson. Seriously, this team has so many dumbasses on it, and they cut a guy who's never had a problem with his coaching staff, his teammates, or the law. Really smart. What's the thesis sentence, English majors?? Here it is. THE BENGALS BLOW AND DO EVERYTHING WRONG.
Eagles 31, Bengals 20 (Record: 7-3)

Week 12: @ Ravens
Joe Flacco's cousin goes to my church. Other than that, I have nothing good to say about this team.
Eagles 20, Ravens 10 (Record: 8-3)

Week 13: vs. Cardinals (Thanksgiving Night)
Here's the second game of the season I'm going to. My only real fear here is that me and my dad are going together, and every time we see an Eagles game together, something horrific happens (see: Ricky Watters "For Who For What", Donovan McNabb's exploding ACL...) I'll be honest with you, I don't care if the Eagles lose by 600 points, so long as I eat four turkey legs and drink three quarts of bourbon. But, since I'm predicting, I'll go with an upset. Cardinals win a lopsided game, as Andy Reid pulls a Paterno and runs off the field mid-game to empty his bowels after nine turkey pot pies.
Eagles 12, Cardinals 31 (Record: 8-4)

Week 14: @ Giants
Super Bowl Champs or not, we don't get swept by Eli and the boys. We've got a long week to recover after the Thanksgiving game, and a lot of film to watch after the loss earlier in the season. The Giants will be the favorites, but they won't win this one.
Eagles 23, Giants 21 (Record: 9-4)

Week 15: vs. Browns (MNF)
I think the Browns might be horrible this season. They're just being hyped too much for a team that hasn't made the playoffs since the glory days of Kelly Holcomb. Jamal Lewis can't possibly have a year like last year, Derek Anderson might have been figured out, and Kellen Winslow might be out of the NFL after President-Elect John McCain reinstates the Selective Service Draft and K2 is a Navy Seal on a black ops mission in Pyongyang hunting down Jordan's girlfriend's uncle.
Eagles 34, Browns 20 (Record: 10-4, Sweep AFC North)

Week 16: @ Redskins
Inspired by the tragic murder of safety LaRon Landry, the Redskins galvanize and come into this game on a three game winning streak, which boosts their season win total to three. However, the magic ends as Donovan and company move into a tie with the Cowboys after this win, setting up a Week 17 showdown for all the marbles.
Eagles 26, Redskins 21 (Record: 11-4)

Week 17: vs. Cowboys
While most teams this week will be trying to lose to gain an extra two slots in the 2009 draft, the Eagles and Cowboys are playing for the division crown, a bye week, and homefield throughout the playoffs. The game gets out of reach just after halftime though, and the Eagles back into the playoffs as the #5 seed, a wild card berth.
Eagles 14, Cowboys 28 (Record: 11-5)

Wild Card Round: @ Cardinals (NFC West Champs)
The Cardinals win this horrible division with a putrid 8-8 record over the Seahawks, who finish at 7-9. Embarrassed by the Thanksgiving Day debacle, the Eagles come out fired up and make this game a laugher by the end of the first quarter. The Cardinals' dynamic duo of Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin are so humbled by the loss, that after the game, they beg the Eagles to trade for them in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 38, Cardinals 6

Divisional Round: @ Cowboys (NFC East Champs)
Tony Romo, fresh off a bye-week vacation to Amsterdam with his new celebrity girlfriend, Miley Cyrus, goes 6 for 32 for 61 yards and 3 INTs. Terrell Owens is so pissed off after the game that he demands to be traded in the offseason, and when asked which team he'd be interested in going to, he breaks down crying and begs Donovan McNabb and the Eagles to take him back in the offseason. They don't.
Eagles 27, Cowboys 10

NFC Championship: @ Saints (NFC South Champs)
Drew Brees, fresh off his MVP season, is rolling on all cylinders as he spreads the ball around all night to his favorite targets, Reggie Bush, Jeremy Shockey, and Marques Colston (notice I didn't say Robert Meachem!!). The game ends on a controversial call by Andy Reid, who decides to punt on 4th and 2 rather than hand the ball to Pro Bowl fullback Tony Hunt, who's a remarkable 22 for 22 on third and fourth down conversions on the season. The season ends in the Big Easy once again.
Eagles 23, Saints 24

So there you have it. My semi-drunk look in to the future of everybody's favorite hometown team. But seriously, as long as I get those turkey legs and bourbon, they can go 0-16 and I'll be one happy dude.