Week 6 Power Rankings

Professor Edmund G. Hefty crunches the numbers and unveils his latest set of rankings.

This is getting tougher from week to week. There is a major power struggle going on at the top of the board, with 6 teams at a 4-2 or 5-1 record. The bottom half of the picture isn't any clearer. The other 6 teams are 1-5 or 2-4. One thing's for sure: if you're in the top 6 this week, it would take a New York Mets-like meltdown to miss the playoffs at this point. And if you're in the bottom six, you need to start making some moves, whether it's making a smart trade, some savvy lineup decisions, or a waiver-wire pickup. The clock is ticking on your season!! Make your move now!!!

On to the rankings.

1. Hawaii McLovin (5-1, W4, Previous #2)
Larry Johnson seems to be getting back on track, last week's 12 yard day notwithstanding. Clinton Portis has answered the questions at the beginning of the season as to whether he'd be overshadowed by Ladell Betts. Jason Campbell has been steady but unspectacular. And the Ambigiously Gay Duo of TJ Houshmandzadeh and Chad Johnson has risen to the occasion, and they currently rank 5th and 6th in our league's scoring.

2. Chicago Bear Grylls (4-2, W1, Previous #4)
Here's the core of my team and their positional rankings: Carson Palmer (4th), LaDainian Tomlinson (1st), Adrian Peterson (3rd), Steve Smith (3rd), Braylon Edwards (4th), Wes Welker (13th). Will it last? Absolutely 100% not. That's why I need to point it out now while I still can. Anyway, if I can offer a condolence to the rest of you, it's this: my success with picking Peterson this year only ensures that I reach for Darren McFadden three rounds too early next year. So, look forward to that.

3. License To Kim Jong Il (4-2, L1, Previous #1)
I'll cut Jordan some slack. I'm guessing not many teams with Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne won last week, with the Colts on a bye. The super-fun surprise of the season for Jordan has to be the sexy play of Marion Barber, who despite a lousy game Sunday is still the 8th ranked back. The super-crappy surprise for Jordan has to be the sinking stock of Shaun Alexander, who has looked lost the last two weeks without Mack Strong laying bitches out.

4. The Canadian Cripplers (5-1, W2, Previous #3)
I'll be honest, I just can't take any team being led into battle by Joey Harrington seriously. Should I be so brazen as to suggest a trade for a division rival? I shall.
Why not trade one of your bench running backs, like Derrick Ward (whose stock just dropped with the return of Brandon Jacobs) or Deshawn Wynn, or even one of your receivers, like 2 time Chumley recipient Joey Galloway, for a quarterback? Both Delaware and Bisbee could probably part with a quarterback (Roethlisberger, Derek Anderson), and they're dying for help at other positions.

5. Team LymEZ-DizEEEEzz NutZZZ!!!! (5-1, W3, Previous #5)
Aaron, I know it seems like I'm always underranking your team. I apologize. I'm checking out your lineup and it's actually very impressive. Despite not putting up massive amounts of points, you're getting the job done. Even your bench is really a strong group. It's well put together.
While I'm apologizing to you, I'd also like to publicly say I'm sorry for taking so many videos of you when you were nude or partially nude back in Nittany Apts. Looking back at most of my casette tapes, about 70% of the footage I have is of you in some state of undress. The other 30% is animals at the zoo and Josh Colegrove talking about surfing. I don't really know what to say. I was trying to figure out some things back then: Civil or Mechanical Engineering, Chevy Blazer or Dodge Durango, Chicks or Dudes, Playstation 2 or X-Box...anyway, I'm sorry man.

6. Jabroc Junk Jabbers (4-2, W4, Previous #6)
If I were you, I'd start JP Losman over Tony Romo this week. Sure Tony Romo is pissed off and looking for revenge against a defense that allowed Brian Griese to throw 3 touchdowns last Sunday. And sure, technically JP Losman isn't "in the starting lineup." But the Buffalo defense is vicious, and Trent Edwards could get knocked out of the game, only to have Losman come in and throw seven touchdowns. And then you'd feel really stupid.

7. Larry Craig Fritzs (1-5, L3, Previously #7)
Last week would have been a really good time to trade Ronnie Brown. Now he's playing on an 0-6 team that just traded away their best receiver for a second round pick. Look, I'm not saying that a team that starts Cleo Lemon, Marty Booker and Ted Ginn Jr. is no threat to throw the ball effectively, but...yeah. That's exactly what I'm saying. If Ronnie Brown finishes the season ranked in the top 10 (he's currently 2nd) among running backs, I'll eat a Peanut Butter and Tampon sandwich and put the video on YouTube.

8. Pocket T-Bags (2-4, L2, Previously #8)
If I had to put my money on a 2-4 team making the playoffs, it would definitely be Shelby, if only for the fact that most of you would give your foreskin for Edgerrin James and Joe Addai in the backfield. Also, Dallas Clark has been a pleasant surprise, hasn't he? In my keeper/salary cap league this week I traded him and Lee Evans for Eli Manning. I have Tony Gonzalez, so I could do without Clark, and my QB situation was getting dismal (VY and Culpepper). Whatever, you don't care about my other league.

9. Bisbee Ball Maulers (2-4, L2, Previously #9)
I thought long and hard (that's what she said) about who was more deserving of the #9 spot, Mike or Craig. In the end, I like Mike's QB/RB situation better, I like the fact that Mike's got some trade chips (the aforementioned Derek Anderson), and he won't have to deal with T.O.'s crybaby meltdown that's coming after they lose to the Eagles in Week 9 and he gets caught on national TV slapping Wade Phillips right in the manboob.

10. Hairy Areolas (2-4, L3, Previously #10)
The Kurt Warner Era ends!! Boy, that was fun!

11. Holidaysburg's MichaelPJackson (1-5, W1, Previously #12)
Oh snap! A.D.'s on the warpath! Maybe not yet, but it's nice to get out of twelfth, isn't it? Say this about Adam, he's got the best player in the NFL on his team, and that's always a good ace in the hole. The rest of the team is still shallow, the only real trade chips that jump out to me are one of his defenses, but there's at least a glimmer of hope here with Brady.
Now, when you sit down to draft next season, I want you to ask yourself this: "What would my record have been if I took Brian Westbrook in Round 1 (who went one pick later), Tom Brady in Round 2, and anybody but the Ravens defense in Round 4?" Then print your spreadsheet out, take it with you into the bathroom, and wipe your ass with it. Then, and only then, will you be truly ready to draft.

12. Delaware Ding Dong Danglers (1-5, L1, Previously #11)
Get.
Your.
Shit.
Together.
Do you know how embarassing it will be when I have to have the following conversation with my friends????
"Hey guys, this is my best man, Dave. He had the worst team in our fantasy league last year. I know, lame right? Yeah. Super lame. But at least he's got some dynamite nipples."
Then I slap you on the ass and we crash the Father-Daughter dance with a risque Tango that we'd been practicing for weeks, and most "traditional" guests just aren't ready to see. That's when they find out that the tuxedos I ordered weren't real tuxedos, but latex body paint.

Your complaints are welcome in the comments section, as usual.