Week 4 Power Rankings: The Drunkest Rankings Yet!

Chicago Bear Grylls finds itself back at the top of the fantasy mountain.

Disclaimer: Today may not be the most coherent bloggery you've read on this site. The Phuckers lost 10-5, my garbage disposal broke, leaving me with a half-filled sink of pulled-pork-scented-water, the Icy Hot I rubbed onto my knee tonight seems to have hitched a ride on my Pringles and on to my esophagus, and the 30 Rock Premiere left me wanting oh so much more. So excuse me if I poured myself a tall glass of Trinidad's (and Tobago's) finest rum, 10Cane and decided to sit down and tell it like it is. Enough with the foreplay, let's figure out who's for real, and who's barely breathing in this league. Since sentence syntax probably isn't my strong suit right now, we'll do a Good/Bad breakdown for each team.

1. Bear Grylls (3-1, Previous #3)
The Good: Soundly defeated the #1 team in last week's rankings. Tomlinson looks like he's woken up from his 3 week coma. Braylon Edwards has somehow emerged as the 7th highest scoring WR in the league. No more Rex Grossman. Bears D has somehow blocked 5 kicks this season already.
The Bad: Carson Palmer and All Day Peterson are on bye this week. Made trade that seems to have backfired. David Carr is throwing to Steve Smith. Adrian Peterson's coach hates using talented running backs in situations where they might actually run the ball.

2. McLovin (3-1, Previous #1)
The Good: Paul's 3-1 despite any monstrous production out of LJ. The draft both Cincy receivers strategy has been one of the year's most succesful, as Chad and Housh take turns playing "Who's More Ridiculously Awesome" (no, seriously, they're number 2 and 3 in the league right now).
The Bad: What is this, a fantasy team or an ER triage? 7 of Slimdawg's players have an injury notation next to their name, including Clinton Portis, Andre Johnson, LaMont Jordan, and Caddy-Lac Williams, who's on the IR. Um, you can drop him any time. Just pause Halo 3. It won't miss you too much.

3. Kim Jong Il (3-1, Previous #5)
The Good: Marion Barber is the same player he was last year, despite the fact that everybody thought he'd flame out. Kellen Winslow, despite giggles from the peanut gallery on draft day, is the fourth highest scoring tight end this season. He just traded belly button lint for Peyton Manning.
The Bad: Calvin Johnson, who showed enormous potential to be rookie of the year in weeks 1 and 2, is on the shelf with a back injury. Brandon Marshall and Patrick Crayton are overacheiving. I refuse to believe that they're the 18th and 20th best receivers in the league. Those numbers will correct themselves.

4. Cripplers (3-1, Previous #2)
The Good: Randy Moss
The Bad: Joey Harrington

5. Larry Craig (1-3, Previous #6)
The Good: Ronnie Brown, who has somehow bribed ESPN.com into claiming that he's the top scoring running back in fantasy football so far this season. (I, frankly, don't care to live in such a world. WHERE WERE YOU LAST YEAR, SPERMBREATH?!) Jason Witten, who's the closest thing to Antonio Gates you could ask for this season. Eli Manning, who's been surprisingly unterrible this season. Dwayne Bowe, who came out of freaking nowhere.
The Bad: Rudi Johnson, who's been a bust. Donovan McNabb, who, unless playing the Lions, is worthless. 3 Losses, which, despite you scoring the most overall points this season, makes it hard to take you too seriously.

6. Dizeez Nutzzzzzzzzzz (3-1, Previous #7)
The Good: Steelers D? Nick Folk? I guess these are valuable fantasy assets. How exactly are you 3-1?
The Bad: Frank Gore, who's now lining up behind Trent Dilfer. I smell 10 men in the box, and it has nothing to do with DK for once. Maurice Jones-Drew, 52nd best fantasy back this season. Donte' Stallworth, blackballed by Brady.

7. T-Bags (2-2, Previous #9)
The Good: A very sexy 1-2 punch of Edge James and Joe Addai. A non-turnover-prone Brett Favre. Dallas "Not Triple Covered By Dolphins" Clark.
The Bad: Come on...Brett Favre? How long do you expect that charade to last? Let's put it this way...I had a gigantic hissy fit when ESPN.com autodrafted Favre onto my team. He's a ticking time bomb. Move him now or face the consequences. D-Jism, who's now paired up with T-Dildo.

8. Bisbee (2-2, Previous #8)
The Good: Jerry Porter and Marshawn Lynch. Hey, those names sound familiar. Jon Kitna, who plays for The Father, The Son, The Holy Ghost, and Mike Martz. Somebody finally bit on #7 ranked QB Derek Anderson. I smell a trade chip!!!
The Bad: Whiny bitches at WR. Boldin, with his tweaked hip. Moss, with his strained groin. Bernard Berrian has a Grade 3 case of the Brian Grieses. Simply put, you're starting Roydell Williams and Bryant Johnson at WR this week. Yeeeeeuck.

9. Areolas (2-2, Previous #4)
The Good: Terrell Owens. Brian Westbrook, who despite missing last week's game, is still ranked third amongst running backs. Give him a bye week to heal up and he'll be as good as new. Jeff Reed, fantasy's top kicker. A win over Bear Grylls, this Blogger's #1 team in the nation.
The Bad: Vince Young is marginal at best. The running backs, Fred Taylor and Ahman Green would be a lot better if this were 2003. Marvin Harrison's knee.

10. J-Jabbers (2-2, Previous #10)
The Good: Tony Romo, who's outpeytoning Peyton, and outbradying Brady. Lee Evans, who may be clicking with rookie signal caller Trent Edwards.
The Bad: Reggie Bush, now alone as big man on campus in the Saints backfield, will go a long way towards determining young Richard's fate. Laurence Maroney, who's scored as many touchdowns as I have this season. Lee Evans, who was drafted a lot higher than the 74th receiver, which is how he's played so far. (Yes, I know he's good and bad, that was kind of the point).

11. Dong Danglers (0-4, Previous #11)
The Good: Plaxico Burress
The Bad: Nearly everybody else. S-Jax's groin. Brees's underpeforming arm. The Jones Brothers' disapearring act.

12. Hollidaysburg (0-4, Previous #12)
The Good: You've got Dave to keep you company in the basement.
The Bad: His first round pick tore his groin. What's your excuse?