I Hate Myself For Loving Poo - The Logo Leak

You're all on notice. 2008 is officially the Year of The Bowel.

Sneaky Ad - 1, Hefty - 0

Although he's spending most of his time underground these days, the Colonel still pulled a fast one on me.

Perhaps you've seen the KFC ad for the new Sauceless Hot Wings. You know, it's the one where four friends blab on and on at a party about how these new hot wings aren't really hot wings, but they're still hot wings? Right. Well, after viewing this commercial for the twentieth time, I decided that the forces of marketing had won again, and I was on a mission to get my hands on this mystical sauceless hot wing.

In it's simplest form, it's a genius idea. KFC capitalizes on a few key points here:
1) Americans truly believe hot wings are a meal.
2) Until now, you couldn't eat hot wings and drive, because the sauce would get all over your steering wheel.

Well, all that has changed. As the bleach blonde in the commercial tells us, "in this new wing world, anything is possible." Really? OK, now I had to get my hands on one (or six).

Luckily, there's a KFC about ten minutes from my office, so I headed out Wednesday to be born again into the world of wings. I should point out that I went by myself, told nobody I was going there, and returned before everybody else so I could throw out my trash in the dumpster outside instead of the trash can in my cubicle. It's embarrassing going to KFC. It's bad enough these people watch me make seven Reese's Cups runs in an afternoon, they definitely don't need to see my grease stained KFC napkins in my trash can.

So, I swung through the drive-thru and picked up a six piece value meal. I pulled out, and got ready to experience my destiny. I got to a red light, cracked open the box, and raised a wing to my mouth.

TOTAL LETDOWN. The approximate breakdown in sauceless hot wing volume is as follows:
-Fried Skin: 61%
-Actual Chicken Meat: 8%
-Bone: 31%
I know that the skin is the best part of KFC. It's common knowledge. There's even a South Park episode that uses that as a plotline. But when you're telling me that you have literally changed the entire dynamics of the hot wing, it should be for a better reason than you stuck it in a deep fryer for 5 hours and made it really crispy.

Now would be a great time to mention that the wing wasn't even hot. My tastebuds are either irreprably damaged from years of wing devouring, or the people at KFC are assholes who don't actually care that they made a hot wing that has no heat to it.

What it lacked in spice, it made up for in grease. I spent much of the afternoon wondering if a chicken wing could actually induce labor. I felt like a human was trying to push through my ovarian walls. Horrible. Just horrible.

Anyway, don't get those wings. Take it from your old buddy Hefty. It's not worth it.

And since this is mainly a sports blog; here's some predictions for Divisonal Round Axshun.

-Seahawks 24, Packers 27: These two franchises seem to have a boner for each other, so I'll guess the score will be really close, and the coaches will both talk about how much the other team played their heart out and deserved it just as much. Then they'll open mouth kiss.

-Jaguars 16, Patriots 45: It's probably better if we just get used to the fact that the Patriots aren't losing in the playoffs, and they're most likely winning by double digits in every game. Also, I'm already in last place in my work fantasy playoff challenge, and really need Brady to bail me out.

-Chargers 7, Colts 38: A lot of people say that Norv Turner is the problem here, but I'm telling you that if Philip Rivers didn't get to hand off to the best running back in the NFL 20 times a game, more people would be able to tell just how shitty of a quarterback he is. He's atrociously awful. The fact that he doesn't have Gates this game is just gravy. This is going to be like watching somebody drive drunk and blindfolded.

-Giants 21, Cowboys 31: Everybody's calling the Giants upset. Nope. I don't see it. I saw something on ESPN about how Tony Romo struggles in January. Um, don't you need more than ONE game to go off of before you make that kind of statement? Yeah, he bobbled a snap last year in the playoffs. Well guess what, KFC essentially ruined the hot wing. It doesn't mean I'll never eat there again.

You Asked For It, You Got It.

What do Coolio and ALSAP!! have in common? They've both got sumpin brand new fo dat azz.

I'll be honest. I thought I was done.

I wanted to hang up my bloggery for good. I wanted to put it on the shelf for another eight months until it was fantasy season again. I was sick of handing out Chumleys, sick of pointing out my friends' faults, sick of covertly hiding internet windows while google-imaging "Dog Takes A Crap." But, as a wiser woman than myself once said, "that love bug jumps up and bites me...AND I'M BACK!!!". I believe her name was Fergie.

Anyway, I do have a strange compulsion to keep blogging, at least so long as there's American Football being played. And as luck would have it, for me, there's even Fantasy American Football being played. How serendipitous. My specialty.

While droning away in my cubicle today, I was asked to fill in for a sick co-worker in a postseason FFL league. Two thoughts instantly raced to mind:
1) My job is encouraging me to play more fantasy football.
2) My job is encouraging me to draft a fantasy football team instead of working.

That was all I needed. Work could ask me to draft a fantasy Hannah Montana team instead of work and I'd rather do it. Even better, fate handed me the first pick. Of course, I took Tom Brady. That was a given. What wasn't a given was the fact that my seven co-workers are apparently the seven worst GMs in the history of fantasy football.

Things got started off with an e-mail from our "commissioner", who spelled the first two picks thusly:
-Tom Bady, QB, NE
-Tony Rome, QB, Dal
Keep in mind that I work in construction, so the ability to spell is not exactly a prerequisite. However, I'm pretty sure that second grade girls are familiar enough with Tom Brady at this point to know he spells his name with an 'R'.

That was only the beginning of the revelry. For whatever reason, these folks have decided that the way to win this league is to take any and every quarterback they can get their grubby little hands on, including first and second round picks such as...
-Philip Rivers
-Jeff Garcia
-Eli Manning
-David Garrard
The league operates on cumulative points for your entire roster throughout the postseason, so picking up players on teams who might make a deep playoff run is kind of helpful. Instead, we've got people literally burning their $40 entrance fee on Jeff Garcia's Buccaneers.

Having mentioned this, I should now point out that fantasy uber-studs such as Marion Barber and Joseph Addai, both of whom could potentially be playing in February, were available with the 16th and 17th selections of the draft. I chose these two. I hope that works out OK.

Now we were in the third and fourth round. I'm sure you wouldn't believe me if I told you that somebody took Willie Parker, right? Well they did. And the best part? This guy just won the $900 jackpot for winning the company's regular season fantasy title. I'm not kidding. The guy who apparently was the best fantasy player in my entire company took a guy with a broken leg in the fourth round.

I sent out an e-mail asking if we got bonus points for broken fibulas. The sad thing? Nobody replied. I'm guessing it's because nobody else was aware his fibula was broken.

The rest of the draft is tomorrow, and there's not too much left for me to pick from, but I'm certain I'll still be able to get Jabar Gaffney in the twelfth round and nobody will even know who that is. It's kind of sad when my co-workers make Adam Davis look like Scott Pioli. Except for me, because I'll gladly take their 300 dollars.

Anyway, welcome back, readers. And welcome back, ALSAP!! I missed you like a junkie misses black tar heroin.

I. AM. LEGEND.

After vanquishing my foe, I know exactly how El Presidente feels.

It's finally happened. After 10+ years of toiling, my lifelong dream of winning a fantasy football championship will come to fruition tomorrow night, barring the most unforseen of all circumstances.

First of all, my hat goes off to Shawn, whose team spent more time in the X-ray room than on the field this week. Willie Parker, Willis McGahee, Marques Colston, and Anthony Gonzalez all left the game early on and were never factors. That's a shitty way to lose a championship matchup.

Secondly, I'd like to publicly berate Carson Palmer, who will never be welcomed on a Jon Hefty franchise again. You sir, have earned the lifetime ban. You throw to one of the best threesomes of wide receivers in the NFL, against the Browns defense, at home, and manage to put up only 7.1 points? Horrendous. When Tarvaris Jackson outscores you by 22 points, you have officially just blown a walrus. Awful. Sure, you'll get your championship ring, but I'm lacing it with anthrax. Hopefully it eats away at the skin on your throwing hand and you never play another snap in the NFL.

Thirdly, I'd like to thank all my players for not getting hurt. Sure, I had the minor injuries, like an Adrian Peterson gimpy knee, or a Vernon Davis strained something-or-other, but every team had that. No, what I'm proud of is avoiding players who ended up, say, snapping fibulas like overextended mechanical pencil lead. You guys did a great job, although I'd like to take part of the credit here. The Pilates sessions at my condo this summer really did a good job of keeping you strong throughout the season.

Fourthly, I'd like to thank the sock that bore my name and fortuitously bounced into my grasp during the First Annual Laundry Lottery. Although I'm sure that my winning the #1 pick and then the league championship almost certainly means that we'll never do anything like that again, it was well worth it. I'd also like to thank LaDainian for getting his shit together in the last few weeks of the season. Well worth the wait.

Fifthly, I'd like to thank Uncle Walbo for Wes Welker.

Sixthly, I'd like to thank Dr. Dangler for Jerricho Cotchery, who decided Week 16 was a fine time to have his best game of the season.

Seventhly, I'd like to tell the Craigger that he needs to fix the scoring on ESPN.com. The Bears defense was only credited for one of their defensive/special teams touchdowns against the Packers. The blocked punt recovery one isn't showing up for some reason.

Eighthly, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for my prize money. You've all been tremendous. God Bless.

Always and Forever,
The World Champion of The Universe

Third Place Is Second Loser

Ah, Bronze...crappiest of all the precious metals.

I'm not sure who decided the hierarchy of medals for rewarding competitors. Some say it was the Ancient Greeks. Others, the Chinese. But no mater who came up with this idea, it's safe to say they should have just awarded a Gold and Silver and called it a day. The bronze looks cheap. It's malleable and tarnishes quickly, and in many ways, so are Bronze Medal winners. They're significant only because they stand on the lowest step of a podium, and then their memory is quickly forgotten.

In horse racing, there are three options; Win (1st), Place (2nd), or Show (3rd). Show? What the hell does that mean? You showed up? Wow, sounds mighty impressive! So did 7 other horses that also didn't win.

However, all animosity for third placery aside, this league actually offers a rather tantalizing runner-up game. And besides, if this were really the WWF, for every Mankind vs. Triple H hell-in-a-cell pay-per-view headliner, you get at least six to ten X-Pac vs. Shane McMahon for the European Championship type undercards. I like our version though: Jordan's Ils will take on Rich's Jabbers for the jackpot sum of $75. Which means slightly more than Craig won this season. Not a great prize, but I still dig the matchup. Let's peek around and get somebody set up with a direct deposit for the check.

3rd Place Game: L2KJI vs. JJJ

QBs: Peyton Manning vs. Tony Romo - Slight Edge: Rich.
This Jessica Simpson bullshit story is ridiculous. Do you want to know what this is? This is sportscasters trying to find a relevant way to announce that they'd like to bang Jessica. Big deal. We know, guys. The fact of the matter is, reporting on sports makes it difficult to discuss hot chicks at work unless they're front and center a la J-Simp. Guess what? If Romo had thrown six touchdowns last week, the story still would have revolved around Jessica. Fact: this is exactly the reason we do movie reviews on ALSAP, so I can throw up the occasional Lindsay Lohan pic and not have it seem perverted.

RBs: Marion Barber and Ryan Grant vs. Larry Maroney and Ron Dayne - GIANT Edge: Jordan.
I love Jordan's backs. I also love Jordan's back hair, but that's another column entirely. Barber gets to dine on Panther carcass, and Ryan Grant will eat the finest Bear meats in the land. Meanwhile, Maroney will be getting six carries, and Dayne will be fat.

WRs: Reggie Wayne, Greg Jennings, and Brandon Marshall vs. Larry Fitzgerald, Santonio Holmes and Lee Evans - Edge: PUSH.
I get throbbing wood when I watch Reggie Wayne play, this Marshall kid seems like a perrenial stud in the making, and Greg Jennings seems to catch a touchdown every single week. Rich's receivers are probably less talented as a whole, but always seem like they're one play away from unleashing fantasy hell on Rich's opponents. I also like their matchups slightly more. Larry Fitzgerald vs. the Falcons?! Come ON!!

TE/D/K (aka Intangibles): Kellen Winslow, Packers, Jeff Reed vs. Tony Gonzalez, Buccaneers, Mason Crosby - Edge: Jordan.
This is where the battle will be won. Winslow plays the Bengals and could go bananas. The Packers play Cowboy Kyle Orton (that's another WWF reference!!), and Jeff Reed already put up 11 points. Meanwhile, the Buccaneers and Crosby almost singlehandedly beat me last week, so I'm calling for them to cool off a bit.

YOUR Winner and NEW Bronze Medal Holders: License to Kim Jong Il.

UNCLE WALBO'S CHAMPIONSHIP PREVIEW EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!

Yeah! What he said!
.

This year’s WFFL finals are like a classic wrestling match out of the 1980s WWF realm. Now, I might’ve just lost most of you who weren’t impressionable, young, geeky doofs watching Hulk Hogan cup his ear to the crowd and Ric “The Model” Martel spraying his Arrogance fragrance in opponents’ eyes. Well ‘eff off then, I’m going with it.

I’ve decided to break down the matchup between J-Hizzle and S-Nozzle as such:
We’ll measure charisma (aka how they GM’ed their team throughout the year); finishing move (aka the player who will make the biggest impact this weekend); and likability (aka who are we more biased against) to decide who’ll be cashing the first place check from Kaiser Fritz.

Onward! March!

Chicago Bear Grylls.
The team – OK, the GM – has resembled Mr. Perfect for most of the year. Much like the character Curt Henning played in arenas, J-Hizzle brings an I’m-better-than-you-so-don’t-try-to-beat-me approach to his team. Except he doesn’t swat his chewing gum into the audience like Henning (that was always so cool) or have a greasy perm.

Charisma
Very electric. Having the No. 1 pick helped GM-wise, for sure. However, LDT arguably has been a disappointment this year, which is still kinda insane to say considering he’s the No. 1 rated RB. But it just feels like he was off all year. However, the drafting of Adrian Peterson has worked out decently. OK, awesomely. Braylon Edwards has soared through the roof this year and acquiring Wes Welker midseason brought a solid No. 2 receiver.
However, missteps have included going with Chicago D early (we know the reasons why) and Vernon Davis at TE. Both have been disappointments.

Finishing Move
Adrian Peterson. In a must-win game against the Skins for playoff, do you think the Vikes will have Tarvaris Jackson throw 20 passes? Move back over, Chester, All Day is coming through.
(and for the record, Mr. Perfect’s finisher was the Perfectplex. So difficult to get out of.)

Likability
Mr. Perfect always was a bad guy in his wrestling days. J-Hizzle has been the unabashed leader of this riff-raff blog the entire season and brought lots of laughs and terrific analysis. He also has shied away from his early-season bravado and recently broke out the “Gee, golly, maybe AD won’t get 22 points against Chicago” last week. Ohhhh you!


The Canadian Cripplers
Since his squad is named for a wrestler, this makes my whacked out idea even better. TCC, however, more resemble the Hot Rod himself, “Rowdy” Roddy Piper. Can our future immigration lawyer cracked a coconut over the head of the Bear Grylls, just like Piper did to Jimmy Snuka?

Charisma
The best in the league. S-Nozzle took a flier on Randy Moss and, well, it sorta worked out. 19 TDs!!!! Wild. Meanwhile, he stayed at the top or near the top with a ragtag round of QBs. Now he has Garrard, who is red hot on a red-hot team.

Finishing Move
Well, Piper didn’t really have one. He just kinda stomped people. Just like he did in “They Live,” the John Carpenter sci-fi action film from 1988, which was on last weekend. Terrific stuff.
Moss. A favorable face-off against the Dolphins.

Likability.
Piper also was mostly a bad guy, though his wild ways later in his career endeared him to the crowds. Much like Shawn. He upperdecked a former girlfriend’s apartment, but now he is well behaved at functions. Still, there is that wild streak in the eyes.

The Pick.
This is a difficult one. Both sides have some very mouth-watering matchups. Can TCC’s running backs perform up to par with the Bear Grylls nearly impossibly stable of LDT and AD? Does Colston negate Welker? Or vice versa? Which QB comes up bigger against weak defense, Carson or Garrard?

Roddy Piper is a wild man. But Mr. Perfect does not lose.

Bear Grylls 118, Cripplers 102.

Craig's Reign of Terror Ends

The King of BBH couldn't handle my hotness on the Bighorn Sheep round.

It took a few games, but I finally knocked off the champ at some Big Buck Hunter on Saturday Night. It's clear, I just can't hack it on the Whitetail and Elk rounds, but I pwn3d myself some Rams. Good times.

I think I won by 12 points, which is pretty much the narrowest victory margin in BBH history.