So much like the real woods, you'll want to drop trow and take a dump.
Adam uses his uncrushed can collection to really stand out.
Jordan arrives in style.
Melvin and Ange show off their color coordination.Monday, September 22, 2008
Walbert Wedding Style Tracker
Notice how Rock and Kristi handsomely model my suit design. Kelly is really torn that she won't be able to make an appearance in "Deluxe Thicket."
So much like the real woods, you'll want to drop trow and take a dump.
Adam uses his uncrushed can collection to really stand out.
Jordan arrives in style.
Melvin and Ange show off their color coordination.
So much like the real woods, you'll want to drop trow and take a dump.Adam uses his uncrushed can collection to really stand out.Jordan arrives in style.
Melvin and Ange show off their color coordination.
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Week 2 Power Rankings: The Chef Comes Calling
This way to the sausage buffet!!
Week 2 has come and gone, so it's time to roll out the power rankings. Someone unexpected has cooked up a 2-0 record. Sick of cliches!? Too bad. I'm laying them on think in this one.
#1. Melvin (2-0, W2, Previously #4) I cannot emphasize how impressed I am that Melvin is winning without Tom Brady. He's taking whatever is laying around in the kitchen and making a feast fit for a king. Brandon Marshall and Kurt Warner have to continue to carry this team. He looks to roll to 3-0 with a match-up against Jerod's Mayo this week.
#2. Rich (2-0, W2, Previously #6) Rich poked, hammered and tenderized my ass all weekend. He smoked the Blow (?!) by 50 points on the strength of Cutler and Giants D. The team originally ranked dead last in the first power rankings has risen to the top faster than whipping cream. He faces a tough match-up against Jordan's Sharts in week 3.
#3. Hefty (1-1, L1, Previously #2) Hefty was severely hamstrung by the Texans/Ravens postponement. He lost out on two #1 targets in Andre Johnson and Derrick Mason and still put up more points than 5 other teams. This is a solid team with balance. A well-rounded meal, if you will. He'll likely bounce back with a game against the sinking Stinkpalmers this week.
#4. Davis (1-1, L1, Previously #3) Adam should be 2-0. He baked the perfect cake and DeSean Jackson brought the wrong icing to the party. That joker cost McNabb at least 6 points. I like this team and I refuse to punish him for this type of BS. Plus, he let us get drunk and abuse his house all weekend, so that's major points in the power rankings.
#5. Mike (1-1, W1, Previously #5) Mike put a notch in the win column and did it with extremely subpar performances from Brees and Moss. This is a team that should be in it as long as the WRs stay healthy. He has a tough match-up against the Dump Tanks this week, so get your snack and drinks ready, it could go down to the wire.
#6. Craig (1-1, L1, Previously #1) I guess I blame myself. I put the bullseye on my back and got taken out with a bazooka. Uncharacteristically bad weeks from Grant and Cotchery doomed me before Sunday was over. Steve Smith comes back from suspension to give this team a shot of espresso. SNL themed teams collide as Colon Blow takes on Oops! I Crapped My Pants.
#7. Jordan (1-1, W1, Previously #8) Jordan rebounded from a horrible week 1 and put up 50 more points in his second go-round. After being turned away at the church potluck dinner for bringing week-old meatloaf, he manned up and cooked up something fresh for the good folks of the congregation. He's might have some trouble on his hands in the next few weeks as his running back situation is very suspect with injuries to Peterson and Maroney.
#8. Shelby (2-0, W2, Previously #7) See Adam's ranking. Shelby should have lost this game. He has yet to break 100. You can only make a porterhouse look like filet mignon for so long. The true colors of this team will be on display soon enough.
#9. Shawn (1-1, W1, Previously #10) Shawn put a mediocre menu out in week 2 and it was enough to get some 2 star reviews. He's still smarting from the Ocho Cinco bizarro world, but the rest of his team is looking ok. If McFadden can continue to put up points, he can probably strengthen his WR corp through a trade. He faces the Stinkpalmers in week 3.
#10. Aaron (0-2, L2, Previously #12) Although Burrito Rice is winless on the young season, they showed some life in week 2, going over 100 points. It was a major turn-around from week 1. I still haven't seen enough to make me think this is a playoff team.
#11. Deewan (0-2, L2, Previously #9) The lack of running back depth really hurt Dave in week 2. I like his week 3 match ups, but you really can judge a restaurant by it's menu, you have to taste the food. He has a shot to move up in the next couple weeks and make the playoffs like I expect him to.
#12. Jonesy (0-2, L2, Previously #11) Jerod's Mayo doesn't taste good on sandwiches, hamburgers, potato salad or egg salad. It probably only tastes good to the stripper he's banging. How long will he stick with the Carson Palmer experiment? This team is bad right now, but I still love you, buddy.
#1. Melvin (2-0, W2, Previously #4) I cannot emphasize how impressed I am that Melvin is winning without Tom Brady. He's taking whatever is laying around in the kitchen and making a feast fit for a king. Brandon Marshall and Kurt Warner have to continue to carry this team. He looks to roll to 3-0 with a match-up against Jerod's Mayo this week.
#2. Rich (2-0, W2, Previously #6) Rich poked, hammered and tenderized my ass all weekend. He smoked the Blow (?!) by 50 points on the strength of Cutler and Giants D. The team originally ranked dead last in the first power rankings has risen to the top faster than whipping cream. He faces a tough match-up against Jordan's Sharts in week 3.
#3. Hefty (1-1, L1, Previously #2) Hefty was severely hamstrung by the Texans/Ravens postponement. He lost out on two #1 targets in Andre Johnson and Derrick Mason and still put up more points than 5 other teams. This is a solid team with balance. A well-rounded meal, if you will. He'll likely bounce back with a game against the sinking Stinkpalmers this week.
#4. Davis (1-1, L1, Previously #3) Adam should be 2-0. He baked the perfect cake and DeSean Jackson brought the wrong icing to the party. That joker cost McNabb at least 6 points. I like this team and I refuse to punish him for this type of BS. Plus, he let us get drunk and abuse his house all weekend, so that's major points in the power rankings.
#5. Mike (1-1, W1, Previously #5) Mike put a notch in the win column and did it with extremely subpar performances from Brees and Moss. This is a team that should be in it as long as the WRs stay healthy. He has a tough match-up against the Dump Tanks this week, so get your snack and drinks ready, it could go down to the wire.
#6. Craig (1-1, L1, Previously #1) I guess I blame myself. I put the bullseye on my back and got taken out with a bazooka. Uncharacteristically bad weeks from Grant and Cotchery doomed me before Sunday was over. Steve Smith comes back from suspension to give this team a shot of espresso. SNL themed teams collide as Colon Blow takes on Oops! I Crapped My Pants.
#7. Jordan (1-1, W1, Previously #8) Jordan rebounded from a horrible week 1 and put up 50 more points in his second go-round. After being turned away at the church potluck dinner for bringing week-old meatloaf, he manned up and cooked up something fresh for the good folks of the congregation. He's might have some trouble on his hands in the next few weeks as his running back situation is very suspect with injuries to Peterson and Maroney.
#8. Shelby (2-0, W2, Previously #7) See Adam's ranking. Shelby should have lost this game. He has yet to break 100. You can only make a porterhouse look like filet mignon for so long. The true colors of this team will be on display soon enough.
#9. Shawn (1-1, W1, Previously #10) Shawn put a mediocre menu out in week 2 and it was enough to get some 2 star reviews. He's still smarting from the Ocho Cinco bizarro world, but the rest of his team is looking ok. If McFadden can continue to put up points, he can probably strengthen his WR corp through a trade. He faces the Stinkpalmers in week 3.
#10. Aaron (0-2, L2, Previously #12) Although Burrito Rice is winless on the young season, they showed some life in week 2, going over 100 points. It was a major turn-around from week 1. I still haven't seen enough to make me think this is a playoff team.
#11. Deewan (0-2, L2, Previously #9) The lack of running back depth really hurt Dave in week 2. I like his week 3 match ups, but you really can judge a restaurant by it's menu, you have to taste the food. He has a shot to move up in the next couple weeks and make the playoffs like I expect him to.
#12. Jonesy (0-2, L2, Previously #11) Jerod's Mayo doesn't taste good on sandwiches, hamburgers, potato salad or egg salad. It probably only tastes good to the stripper he's banging. How long will he stick with the Carson Palmer experiment? This team is bad right now, but I still love you, buddy.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Handing Out Some Hardware: The Golden Tonys
Where snarky grins meet phallic symbols: The TonysOk, so things are a little rushed and now it's almost midnight on Tuesday and nothing has been recapped from week 2. I'm skipping the normal Studs and Duds routine and moving straight to the awards section of our fine weekly program. This week, Mr. Romo perches his dome atop the 2nd best award an actor can win that no one cares about, the Golden Globe. Here are your week two Tonys.
Game 1 - Mike def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Titans D. Ernest Graham almost snuck in here with a wily, long TD run to seal the Bucs victory over the Falcons, but the Titans kept Team Skidmark in full skidish form with a 26 point outburst while playing the Bengals during a tornado. Two weeks into the season the Titans are the #1 scoring D and are also making the commish uncomfortable for calling them out as average.
Game 2 - Jordan def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Calvin Johnson. CJ out-staged his much ballyhooed teammate, Roy Williams, by hauling in 6 catches for 129 yards and 2 TDs. That's efficiency you just don't often see. Let me make a simple comparison so you can better understand how solid the performance was. Calvin's effort is similar to that of Jordan's hair, which has fallen out at an efficient rate since the sixth grade. Judge the results for yourself. The glare don't lie.
Game 3 - Shawn def. Dave - The Tony goes to Aaron Rodgers. The young buck can get it done, people. At least against a defense that resembles a one-legged, 80 year-old woman name Ruth that has emphysema and carts around an oxygen tank. Nonetheless, over 300 yards and 3 TDs is nothing to sneeze at. In a related note. Shelby def. Shawn in the game of life as his former team name appeared to be "too close to reality" for some people to handle. The replacement team is a winner, though it hawks my SNL theme. "Imagine this iced tea is a gallon of your feces." "That's a lot of dung!"
Game 4 - Melvin def. Hefty - The Tony goes to Brandon Marshall. Holy shitballs was this guy good. He hauled in the second most passes ever in NFL history with 18 receptions after coming off a one game suspension because of "behavior problems." Why does everyone have to get on a guy because he likes a little yayo with his shrimp and grits? This is the kind of rebound I think people were looking for from Christopher Reeve when they heard he'd been kicked by a horse. Too far? Perhaps a little too far...
Game 5 - Rich def. Craig - The Tony goes to Jay Cutler, who after two weeks is your #1 overall scorer. There were a lot of choices to be had here, and honorable mention goes to Giants D and Reggie Wayne, who both mercilessly precipitated the beatdown of my team. I knew taunting Rich was a bad idea. You'd be wise to learn from my mistakes and not fall victim to his ninja ways.
Game 6 - Shelby def. Adam - The Tony goes to Santonio Holmes. The Steelers deep threat scored 12.5 points on a night so windy that seemed like planes could have been knocked from the sky. I hated making a pick here because there was no 'one' player that stood out on Shelby's team and Davis should actually have won this game. I suggest you write a personal letter to DeSean Jackson and tell him he let a guy with a turtleneck on his penis beat you in fantasy football. That will surely set him straight for the rest of the year.
Game 1 - Mike def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Titans D. Ernest Graham almost snuck in here with a wily, long TD run to seal the Bucs victory over the Falcons, but the Titans kept Team Skidmark in full skidish form with a 26 point outburst while playing the Bengals during a tornado. Two weeks into the season the Titans are the #1 scoring D and are also making the commish uncomfortable for calling them out as average.
Game 2 - Jordan def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Calvin Johnson. CJ out-staged his much ballyhooed teammate, Roy Williams, by hauling in 6 catches for 129 yards and 2 TDs. That's efficiency you just don't often see. Let me make a simple comparison so you can better understand how solid the performance was. Calvin's effort is similar to that of Jordan's hair, which has fallen out at an efficient rate since the sixth grade. Judge the results for yourself. The glare don't lie.
Game 3 - Shawn def. Dave - The Tony goes to Aaron Rodgers. The young buck can get it done, people. At least against a defense that resembles a one-legged, 80 year-old woman name Ruth that has emphysema and carts around an oxygen tank. Nonetheless, over 300 yards and 3 TDs is nothing to sneeze at. In a related note. Shelby def. Shawn in the game of life as his former team name appeared to be "too close to reality" for some people to handle. The replacement team is a winner, though it hawks my SNL theme. "Imagine this iced tea is a gallon of your feces." "That's a lot of dung!"
Game 4 - Melvin def. Hefty - The Tony goes to Brandon Marshall. Holy shitballs was this guy good. He hauled in the second most passes ever in NFL history with 18 receptions after coming off a one game suspension because of "behavior problems." Why does everyone have to get on a guy because he likes a little yayo with his shrimp and grits? This is the kind of rebound I think people were looking for from Christopher Reeve when they heard he'd been kicked by a horse. Too far? Perhaps a little too far...
Game 5 - Rich def. Craig - The Tony goes to Jay Cutler, who after two weeks is your #1 overall scorer. There were a lot of choices to be had here, and honorable mention goes to Giants D and Reggie Wayne, who both mercilessly precipitated the beatdown of my team. I knew taunting Rich was a bad idea. You'd be wise to learn from my mistakes and not fall victim to his ninja ways.
Game 6 - Shelby def. Adam - The Tony goes to Santonio Holmes. The Steelers deep threat scored 12.5 points on a night so windy that seemed like planes could have been knocked from the sky. I hated making a pick here because there was no 'one' player that stood out on Shelby's team and Davis should actually have won this game. I suggest you write a personal letter to DeSean Jackson and tell him he let a guy with a turtleneck on his penis beat you in fantasy football. That will surely set him straight for the rest of the year.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Cheers and Jeers: The Syracuse Chronicles
The grundle sweat on the guy wearing this giant pillow costume could fill a bathtub.So, Syracuse Weekend has come and gone. Not everybody was fortunate enough to join us in Canada's Retarded Stepbrother (Feel free to borrow that one from me, Syracuse Board of Tourism!!), so here's a recap of the festivities just so everybody's on the same page.
CHEERS: To the Davises for hosting approximately 20 drunken, dirty, gassy, loud, snoring-prone of their closest friends for the weekend. Much olbiged.
JEERS: To the 'y' key on my laptop, which all of a sudden decided it wants to work about 30% of the time I hit it. Hopefull, this column won't have man tpos.
CHEERS: To the joke of the weekend, Shawn Hussein's timely and oft-repeated "Which way to the bloodbath?" inquiry of Syracuse fans as we closed in on the Carrier Dome. Got funnier every single time.
JEERS: To the New York Department of Transportation, which decided to close the two exits on Route 81 closest to the Syracuse Denny's this morning. My Garmin had the computer equivalent of an aneursym trying to recalculate my route so I could fill my belly with the ever-delicious Homestyle Scramble.
CHEERS: To Carpenter Craig, who crafted a set of Cornhole Boards by hand and painted little paw prints and lion faces to decorate.
JEERS: To Jeff Fritz, the least useful little brother since Koy Detmer. I'd rather have a root canal than spend another five minutes with that kid.
CHEERS: To the Carrier Dome, who offers a 16 oz. Labatt Blue Light for the low low price of $5. Compared to the $7 Bud Light bottles I had at the Phillies game the other night, this was practically Nickel Night at the Crowbar.
JEERS: To Hurricane Ike, who not only drove up gasoline prices 20 cents a gallon right before a road trip weekend in my SUV, but also took my two best receivers out of my fantasy lineup for this week's games. Andre Johnson and Derrick Mason, hit the showers; Devin Hester and Hank Baskett, lace 'em up. The result: coming home after the 1:00 games were finished and finding my fantasy team had racked up a whopping 3.5 points. (Don't worry, I'm up to 6 now!!)
CHEERS: To Penn State, who made sure we didn't make a road trip in vain by showing up and slaughtering an undermatched Syracuse team in a loud road atmosphere (to be fair, it was probably 40% PSU fans).
JEERS: To the uber-spooky walk we had through the Syracuse cemetary in the dark back to the Davises last night. If you weren't there, you wouldn't believe how big this cemetary is. I think every dead Syracuse alum is buried in there. To top it off, we had a cop car drive past us and tell us "you're fine" as we struggled to get our bearings in the dark maze of gravestones. No sir, YOU'RE fine. We're lost and full of Labatt's Blue Light. Please help.
CHEERS: To the NFL schedule makers, who gave us a coincidental gift by making the Steelers play on Sunday Night Football, and the Eagles play on Monday Night Football. Perfect way to end the weekend.
JEERS: To Matt Cassel, who obviously isn't as good as Tom Brady, but obviously isn't as bad as Quinn Gray. The Pats won today and it looks like the Jets won't be assuming the role of AFC East top dog just yet. I was really hoping the Brady injury would send the Pats into a 1-15 tailspin. Strangely enough, the Bills have to be taken seriously now after beating Seattle and Jacksonville to open the season up. Too bad for Buffalo fans, I hear they're moving the team to Toronto. (This was ongoing Joke At Upstate New Yorkers' Expense Of The Weekend #2...)
TRIPLE JEERS: To Ed Hochuli, who as I'm typing, just took a Day-After-20-Bud-Lights-and-Labatt-Blue-Lights size poop on San Diego, ruling that Jay Cutler fumbled, but the fumble recovery didn't count because somebody was a little quick on the whistle. San Diego has now slipped to 0-2 after two last minute losses. Gotta love the NFL.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Week 1 Power Rankings: The Shart Edition
I have actual turds that look better than this guy.
It's time to delve into the power rankings after week 1. Just accept right now that you're not going to agree with me and deal with it. I don't really care. It's fun to piss you all off.
#1 Craig (1-0, Previously #2) Well, based on the last power rankings not written by me, I was the highest ranked player that won. Therefore I pronounce my emergence as the top ranked poo-man in the dung power rankings. I'm here and I'm not leaving until I lose, which will probably be next week.
#2 Hefty (1-0, Previously #4) John stormed out of his hairy-hatchet wound obsession to set a squad that outscored all others in week one. An impressive feat for sure. Whether or not it continues, remains to be seen.
#3 Davis (1-0, Previously #3) Steady, steady, steady. Adam wins and it's week 1, so I can't really move him down. The win wasn't overly impressive, but a win is a win.
#4 Melvin (1-0, Previously #7) Probably the most tenuous position in the rankings, Melvin finds himself a winner by going over the century mark, but find his stud QB injured and dropped for the season. Will his assumptive mediocre running backs be able to carry the load for the fallen savior? I'm not banking on it, but stranger things have happened.
#5 Mike (0-1, Previously #5) Mike's team put up pimp numbers and I'm giving him a break in the rankings because he's about to break his strong bachelor hand in half in two weeks. He played all the right guys except for DeSean Jackson. Had he done so, he'd be moving up instead of remaining idle.
#6 Rich (1-0, Previously #12) Rich is the biggest mover in week one thanks to his boisterous response to Hefty's overly critical innitial ranking. Dropping perhaps the best QB on his squad is questionable, but he won and it wasn't close.
#7 Shelby (1-0, Previously #11) Another big mover here, but only because he won. I don't see that happening very often this year. When it's all said and done I think he'll miss the playoffs again, but what do I know?
#8 Jordan (0-1, Previously, #1) Oh what a tumble. Jordache's team didn't show up at all. Housh, Cooley, Maroney, Coles and Colts D combined for 13 points. Not going to win many with that type of production.
#9 Deewan (0-1, Previously #8) I picked Dave to win in week one and he severely let me down. Anderson was a bitch and McGahee didn't even see the field. The rest of his team was actually pretty respectible. I think Dave will end up in the playoffs for the first time in recent fantasy memory.
#10 Shawn (0-1, Previously #6) Shawn lost to the #12 team in last weeks power rankings. The Eddie Royal experiement starts in week 2.
#11 Jonesy (0-1, Previously #10) Carson Palmer and Wes Welka were huge let downs in the first week of action. Hopefully Jonesy will lose again and then I can put his Patriot-loving ass in last place. SUMMMMMMMMER ALE!
#12 Aaron (0-1, Previously #9) Not much of a fight from Burrito Rice in week 1. Aaron scored the fewest points and doesn't show much promise of improving. Only one true starting tailback and no bonafide #1 receiver will make it tough sledding all year. I don't think Roethlisberger will throw enough to propel the rice to the top.
#1 Craig (1-0, Previously #2) Well, based on the last power rankings not written by me, I was the highest ranked player that won. Therefore I pronounce my emergence as the top ranked poo-man in the dung power rankings. I'm here and I'm not leaving until I lose, which will probably be next week.
#2 Hefty (1-0, Previously #4) John stormed out of his hairy-hatchet wound obsession to set a squad that outscored all others in week one. An impressive feat for sure. Whether or not it continues, remains to be seen.
#3 Davis (1-0, Previously #3) Steady, steady, steady. Adam wins and it's week 1, so I can't really move him down. The win wasn't overly impressive, but a win is a win.
#4 Melvin (1-0, Previously #7) Probably the most tenuous position in the rankings, Melvin finds himself a winner by going over the century mark, but find his stud QB injured and dropped for the season. Will his assumptive mediocre running backs be able to carry the load for the fallen savior? I'm not banking on it, but stranger things have happened.
#5 Mike (0-1, Previously #5) Mike's team put up pimp numbers and I'm giving him a break in the rankings because he's about to break his strong bachelor hand in half in two weeks. He played all the right guys except for DeSean Jackson. Had he done so, he'd be moving up instead of remaining idle.
#6 Rich (1-0, Previously #12) Rich is the biggest mover in week one thanks to his boisterous response to Hefty's overly critical innitial ranking. Dropping perhaps the best QB on his squad is questionable, but he won and it wasn't close.
#7 Shelby (1-0, Previously #11) Another big mover here, but only because he won. I don't see that happening very often this year. When it's all said and done I think he'll miss the playoffs again, but what do I know?
#8 Jordan (0-1, Previously, #1) Oh what a tumble. Jordache's team didn't show up at all. Housh, Cooley, Maroney, Coles and Colts D combined for 13 points. Not going to win many with that type of production.
#9 Deewan (0-1, Previously #8) I picked Dave to win in week one and he severely let me down. Anderson was a bitch and McGahee didn't even see the field. The rest of his team was actually pretty respectible. I think Dave will end up in the playoffs for the first time in recent fantasy memory.
#10 Shawn (0-1, Previously #6) Shawn lost to the #12 team in last weeks power rankings. The Eddie Royal experiement starts in week 2.
#11 Jonesy (0-1, Previously #10) Carson Palmer and Wes Welka were huge let downs in the first week of action. Hopefully Jonesy will lose again and then I can put his Patriot-loving ass in last place. SUMMMMMMMMER ALE!
#12 Aaron (0-1, Previously #9) Not much of a fight from Burrito Rice in week 1. Aaron scored the fewest points and doesn't show much promise of improving. Only one true starting tailback and no bonafide #1 receiver will make it tough sledding all year. I don't think Roethlisberger will throw enough to propel the rice to the top.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Handing Out Some Hardware - Premier of the Tony Awards
"Hey Jessica, I think I'm part of pop culture thanks to you." - Tony"Pop like soda or pop like popcorn?" - Jessica
"Nevermind, let's go bone on the beaches of Mexico." - Tony
"YAY for penises!!" - Jessica
Here we are, creeping up on week 2 and there's still so much left to do for week 1. A Little Slap and Pickle presents the first weekly installment of the 2008 awards that celebrate one player from each winning team that helped to seal the deal for their respective owner. Without further ado, the 2008 Tony Awards!!
Melvin def. Dave - The Tony goes to Reggie Bush. Melvin's day could have ended catastrophically, well, it actually did. But he still managed to pull out the win thanks to a monster day from Mr. Bush. Reggie totaled 28 points and mixed it up with receiving and rushing yards and caught a nifty screen pass for a 42 yard touchdown in there as well. With model-pumping QB out for the year, Melvin will lean heavily on Bush for the rest of the season.
Hefty def. Mike - The Tony goes to Michael Turner. I know, I know, he was already listed as a Magnum in our earlier column. But how can you possibly disregard 40.5 points from a running back?! With a regular week from Turner, Hefty would have lost by 15 and probably would be looking for some bullwinkle and a ZJ from some back-street boy in Doylestown. Man, it's a good thing Turner had the game he did!
Craig def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Marion Barber III. Dude ripped 23.5 points and only played 2.5 quarters. Injuries aside, that's production his general manager can certainly live with. Jericho Cotchery gets strong consideration for his fist rendezvous with Brett Favre, but I have a feeling Ol' Jericho will put his name on the Tony list before the season is through.
Shelby def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Frank Gore. Shelby's highest scorer of the day came through huge in the 2nd round of Sunday games. He may not be able to put up similar numbers in lowly San Fran all season long, but he's at least made one skidmark on the underpants of week 1.
Adam def. Jordan - The Tony goes to DonoVan McNabb. Yes, another repeat from our Magnums section. The problem here is that the rest of Adam's team was so mediocre, I couldn't pick any of them in good conscience. If McNabb was able to put up these number with D squad receivers, imagine what he'll do when his top two boys are actually healthy. A stiff, hard, pulsating test awaits next Monday night as the Birds visit Big D.
Rich def. Shawn - The Tony goes to John Kitna. Even though his team got smoked, Kitna played a pretty solid game for the Lions who were purported to be using a run focused offensive attack in 2008. That's a hard plan to follow when you go down 21-0 in the first quarter. Surprisingly, Kitna was able to avoid turnovers and thus made up for the frightful day of Rich's TE, Todd Heap, who scored -1.5 in a total let down. JAP SLAP!!
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Magnums and Extra Slims: Week 1
Hey! That's not the Magnum I expected to see!!In a take from Hefty's previously, wildly successful column, Bajingos and Sasquatches, I bring you Magnums and Extra Slims (it's a working title). We'll explore who scored stud-like points and who really shat the bed during week 1.
Extra Slims
1. Marques Colston - Right here is the #25 overall pick in our league this year. He went high in every draft I've seen. Drew Brees threw for 343 and his best receiver only got 26 yards on 3 catches? WTF is that about? The Saints are sure to spread the ball around all season, which means it'll be feast or famine every week for Mr. Colston.
2. Aaron's Runningbacks - CLINTON! and JAMAL! combined for 15.5 points. The Browns had to abandon the running game after they got bitch-slapped by Romo and the Cowboys. The Redskins o-line couldn't create holes in a wet paper bag against the Giants. Neither found the end zone in an abysmal first week for the backfield of Old Burrito Rice. Things will turn around, but perhaps not as soon as Aaron would like. Lewis faces the Steelers in prime-time next week.
3. Carson Palmer - Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. His team is atrocious and Palmer doesn't look like he's strong enough to carry them on his back. The Bungles faced a team with less offensive potential than any I've ever seen and still couldn't put this one away. Heck, their terrible defense has more touchdowns than the offense! Carson finished the day with 99 yards on 10 completions and an interception. The only hope for Palmer to return to pro-bowl form is for him to get traded to a team that doesn't have the locker room discord currently found in Cincinnati.
4. Jacksonville Runningbacks - Fred Taylor and MoJo Drew were expected to provide fantasy owners with weeks of solid scoring. Not so against a solid, but unspectacular Titans defense. On the whole, the duo combined for only 77 total yards of offense. Word out of Florida is two starting o-linemen might be out for the year as well. Tread lightly if you own either Jag RB.
5. Kevin Boss - ZERO POINTS. That is all.
Magnums
2. Aaron's Runningbacks - CLINTON! and JAMAL! combined for 15.5 points. The Browns had to abandon the running game after they got bitch-slapped by Romo and the Cowboys. The Redskins o-line couldn't create holes in a wet paper bag against the Giants. Neither found the end zone in an abysmal first week for the backfield of Old Burrito Rice. Things will turn around, but perhaps not as soon as Aaron would like. Lewis faces the Steelers in prime-time next week.
3. Carson Palmer - Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. His team is atrocious and Palmer doesn't look like he's strong enough to carry them on his back. The Bungles faced a team with less offensive potential than any I've ever seen and still couldn't put this one away. Heck, their terrible defense has more touchdowns than the offense! Carson finished the day with 99 yards on 10 completions and an interception. The only hope for Palmer to return to pro-bowl form is for him to get traded to a team that doesn't have the locker room discord currently found in Cincinnati.
4. Jacksonville Runningbacks - Fred Taylor and MoJo Drew were expected to provide fantasy owners with weeks of solid scoring. Not so against a solid, but unspectacular Titans defense. On the whole, the duo combined for only 77 total yards of offense. Word out of Florida is two starting o-linemen might be out for the year as well. Tread lightly if you own either Jag RB.
5. Kevin Boss - ZERO POINTS. That is all.
Magnums
1. Michael Turner - I don't think anyone saw this one coming. Sure the Falcons like to run the ball, but Turner's effort on Sunday was amazing. He totted the rock for 220 yards and a touchdown, all on just 22 carries (11yds/carry if anyone's counting). Granted, he played against a defense that looked like it was playing hide-and-go-fuck-yourself, but nonetheless, 40.5 points is 40.5 points.
2. Willie Parker - Fast Willie totaled 2 touchdowns in 2007, much to the chagrin of Mr. Walbert. He'd eclipsed that total with 9 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter of his first game of the season in 2008. Right now, he looks like a steal for Jonesy as it's obvious the Steelers are still committed to the run and their o-line is playing with a chip on its collective shoulder after hearing negative press all off-season. Parker got most of the 3rd and 4th quarters off and was still able to amass 32 points.
3. Donovan McNabb - Amazingly enough, Davis didn't take Tom Brady with his first pick, and it seems to have already paid dividends. McNabb sliced and diced the Rams with a depleted receiver corp to the tune of 361 yards and 3 TDs.
4. Hines Ward - The forgotten man in Pittsburgh was claimed to be too old and too slow to keep up with his younger running mate, Santonio Holmes. Well folks, if you didn't already know Ward still has high-level fantasy value. His quarterback doesn't make many mistakes and puts the ball on the money when it counts. Ward walks away from week 1 with two TDs on just 6 total receptions and 76 yards.
5. Bears Defense - They set the tone early and often in their game against the Colts in week 1. Not only did they get after Peyton Manning with 2 sacks, but they caused a fumble that was returned for a touchdown and recorded a safety against what is supposed to be one of the best offensive teams in the entire NFL. Their 24 points tied with the Cardinals (Shelby, take note) for #2 amongst defenses. They also sealed the victory for Melvin and his trauma unit.
2. Willie Parker - Fast Willie totaled 2 touchdowns in 2007, much to the chagrin of Mr. Walbert. He'd eclipsed that total with 9 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter of his first game of the season in 2008. Right now, he looks like a steal for Jonesy as it's obvious the Steelers are still committed to the run and their o-line is playing with a chip on its collective shoulder after hearing negative press all off-season. Parker got most of the 3rd and 4th quarters off and was still able to amass 32 points.
3. Donovan McNabb - Amazingly enough, Davis didn't take Tom Brady with his first pick, and it seems to have already paid dividends. McNabb sliced and diced the Rams with a depleted receiver corp to the tune of 361 yards and 3 TDs.
4. Hines Ward - The forgotten man in Pittsburgh was claimed to be too old and too slow to keep up with his younger running mate, Santonio Holmes. Well folks, if you didn't already know Ward still has high-level fantasy value. His quarterback doesn't make many mistakes and puts the ball on the money when it counts. Ward walks away from week 1 with two TDs on just 6 total receptions and 76 yards.
5. Bears Defense - They set the tone early and often in their game against the Colts in week 1. Not only did they get after Peyton Manning with 2 sacks, but they caused a fumble that was returned for a touchdown and recorded a safety against what is supposed to be one of the best offensive teams in the entire NFL. Their 24 points tied with the Cardinals (Shelby, take note) for #2 amongst defenses. They also sealed the victory for Melvin and his trauma unit.
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