Division Preview 2 of 4: The Cocksmiths

We continue our Power Rankings with a trip to the Cocksmiths Division. Wield your tool and join me!

As you can tell by his retarted Spanish name, Chad is totally taking things seriously now.

RICH: Before his injury last year, Tony Romo didn't have a game where he posted under 20 points. That's the kind of incredible consistency you need to have from your quarterback. I'll be watching Rich's running backs like a hawk this year. I almost took Charles at 3 and Gore in the 3rd round. I'm sure I'll have plenty of chances to kick myself. The WR crew is, if nothing else, intriguing. I'm a big believer in Hakeem Nicks, and think Ochocinco could easily be a 8-10 touchdown guy once again in his new uniform. I'm skeptical of Brandon Lloyd's chances of repeating his 2010 numbers, but even a 25% dropoff would be solid WR2 numbers for Rich. There's plenty of useful bench pieces here too. I'm really liking this team overall. Rich can expect a multitude of trade offers from me once again this season.

Flacco on his backo!

SHAWN: First things first. Shawn has tastefully changed his name from al-Qaeda porn to some sort of a Shelby cover band. Now onto the talent...Flacco has rounded out into a niche as a fringe starter/top backup in fantasy. As Shawn was the last guy to grab a QB, I've got to say it shows. This is the weak link of the team for sure. I don't love the running backs here but Mendenhall is basically LeGarrette Blount if LeGarrette Blount were good. And I drafted Blount, so I have no room to talk. Greg Jennings is the best weapon on the best quarterback in the league's team. That's a plus. DeSean, Anquan and Owen Daniels seem like they're all made of peanut brittle, but I like the overall depth on Shawn's bench. I like this team but not enough to say he's got an edge over Rich.

Double Dwaynebowe!!

JORDAN: I am bullish on Josh Freeman. Think he's got all the tools to be a great quarterback, and the fact that he uses his legs like he does is only going to help his fantasy value. I think Jordan's going to get great production out of Freeman for a low price. What that allowed him to do is load up at RB. The Irish Twins (awful nickname that you'll see approximately 60 times on this blog this year), McFadden and McCoy are just an awesome 1-2 punch. I thought McFadden might go in Round 1, but then again, I thought Tom Brady might go in Round 3. Dwayne Bowe is the rare fantasy receiver who can win a week by himself, as he did a few times last year. He can also put up a donut, so beware. Love Santonio Holmes as a 2, and think you can do enough platooning between Harvin/Bess/Evans to have a serviceable starter most weeks at 3. The only real negative I can say here is shame on you for taking the Cowboys D.

YOUR 2011 COCKSMITHS DIVISION CHAMPION: I like Jordan in a very tight race down the stretch over Rich.

2011 Penn State Season Preview

It's that time of year again. The leaves turn, the air chills, the coach breaks a hip. It's time for PENN STATE FOOTBALL!!



"Seriously, I'm totally fine. 100%."






Let's take some time to breakdown the good, the bad and the ugly for our beloved squad.

The Good

Even though last year was a mitigated disaster by most accounts, there are many bright spots on the team this season.

Secondary - This is the most veteran unit on the team. Everyone returns and the unit will start 4 seniors. The starting lineup will be Nick Sukay and Drew Astornio at safety and Chaz Powell and D'Anton Lynn at corner. You will see some younger guys that have significant playing experience rotated in as well. At safety, Malcom Willis took over and played very well when Sukay tore his pectoral last year (ouch!). At corner, Stephon Morris and Derrick Thomas will provide nickel depth and are good enough to start if the unit sees any injuries.

Linebackers - Addition by subtraction here. Bani and Colasanti are gone. Both are currently camp fodder in the NFL. It's almost inexplicable how much they played last year with the talent behind them. The starters will be senior Mike Mauti and junior Gerald Hodges on the outside. Surprising redshirt freshman Glenn Carson will man the middle. Senior Nate Stupar provides depth along with very talented underclassmen sophomore Khairi (Kye-ree) Fortt and redshirt freshman Mike Hull.

Wideouts - A veteran group that can stretch the field is led by senior Derek Moye, who has the opportunity to end his career as one of the greats at Dear Old State. The wide receivers have the potential to be the best in the B10. Junior Justin Brown is going to be special and the slot will be occupied by a mix of mighty-mite DeVon Smith, Curtis Drake and freshman Bill Belton. Drake is back from a serious broken leg which cause him to miss all of 2010. Sophomores Shawney Kersey and Christian Kuntz provide depth on the outside.

Runningbacks - All-time rushing leader Evan Royster is gone to the NFL, but there is a stable of backs ready to fill his shoes and they will do so quite adequately. True sophomore Silas Redd brings his sparkling talents to the starting role. Keep an eye on this kid. He is truly special. Like really effing good. For depth, Bradon Beachum is back from an ACL redshirt and Curtis Dukes will push for short-yardage carries. Veterans Joe Suhey and Mike Zordich line up at FB and provide a nice mix of receiving skills, devastating blocking and short yardage running. 5th year senior Stephon Green was recently kicked off the team by Paterno, but the team petitioned Joe to bring him back on. Paterno agreed. Once Green is out of the doghouse, he'll provide a 3rd down receiving option and leadership that was sorely missing last year. Rumor is he was suspended for smoking ganja.

The Bad

Defensive line - Penn State had only 17 sacks last year and only TEN from the Dline!! In 2009, we had 37 and in 2008 we had 33! This is clearly an area for improvement. Our entire defensive scheme is predicated on getting pressure on the QB and forcing quick/bad decisions. If the dline is unable to do so, we get shredded. Already down for the year is 2010 surprise Pete Massaro. He's gone with a torn ACL. Starters Jack Crawford and Eric Lattimore are back. Both seniors MUST show something to keep their starting jobs. At tackle, senior Devon Still has reportedly made progress and had a very fine Outback bowl last year. Jordan Hill will replace the departed Ollie Ogbu. Tackle depth is provided by DaQuan Jones and James Terry. Sean Stanley and Kyle Baublitz provide depth at end.

Tight ends - A real unknown. Andrew Sczerba is finally back for his senior season after missing the last TWO seasons with a back injury. He is talented, but lacking experience. Gary Gilliam is reported out for this year with a blown knee that he suffered at the end of last season. True sophomore Kevin Haplea returns. Word is former OT, Nate Cadogan is still at TE and will be 3rd string.

Offensive line - It took a long time for the line to get into last season and that was with an NFL starter manning RG and seniors at C and RT. From left to right it the season will start with Quinn Barham - Johnnie Troutman - Matt Stankiewitch - Johnny Urschel - Chima Okoli. Who knows. Not expecting much. Lots of talent has been recruited and not developed. It's a consistent theme.

The Ugly

Quarterback - You can't win with two qbs. Especially two mediocre qbs, which is exactly what we have right now. I love Bolden's potential. I don't like anything about McGloin. They're both going to play and I'm not in favor of that strategy. I was hoping Bolden would show up and dominate, but that hasn't happened. I'd still prefer him because he can make all of the throws but he's still young and struggling with reading defenses. McGloin has a candy arm and tries to be Bret Favre.

Kicker - Colin Wagner is gone, leaving the kicking duties to either punter Anthony Fera or true freshman Sam Ficken. Oh, except Fera is suspended for his third underage citation in three years. What can I say, kid loves Cruzan rum. So basically we'll be having a freshman place kicker and Alex Butterworth (not kidding) punting against the best team we'll play all year. Disaster awaits. Not a good situation.

Joe - I love the guy, but give it up already. He'll be 85 in December. EIGHTY-FUCKING-FIVE.

Schedule:
9/3 - vs. Indiana State - 12pm - BTN
9/10 - vs. Alabama (White out) - 3:30pm - ABC
9/17 - @ Temple - TBA
9/24 - vs. Eastern Michigan - 12pm - BTN
10/1 - @ Indiana - TBA
10/8 - vs. Iowa - TBA
10/15 - vs. Purdue (Homecoming) - 12pm - TBA
10/22 - @ Northwestern - 7pm - BTN
10/29 - vs. Illinois - TBA
11/5 - BYE
11/12 - vs. Nebraska - TBA
11/19 - @ Ohio State - TBA
11/26 - @ Wisconsin - TBA

Predicted wins - Indiana State, Temple, Eastern Michigan, Indiana, Iowa, Purdue, Illinois, Northwestern, Nebraska

Predicted losses - Alabama, Ohio State, Wisconsin

9-3, invited to the Gator Bowl

GET UP STATE!!

Division Preview 1 of 4: Asshats

I love this year's four division wrinkle. I think it's going to make some new rivalries, and a lot of exciting match-ups down the stretch. In lieu of my normal 1-12 post-draft Power Rankings, I'm going to preview each division and make my prediction for who takes the automatic playoff bid this season. Up first are the Asshats.

You better be taking this serious, jerkoff, you're Mike's #1 WR.

MIKE: Although he was the second (ed: third, thanks Craigger) QB taken, Aaron Rodgers is the safest pick among quarterbacks, and is the kind of player who can singlehandedly win weeks. That's going to have to be the case here because I can't see the wide receivers helping the cause too much. Steve Johnson was a guy I was targeting late as a WR3. I love the occasional multi-touchdown games, the Joker persona he's adopted, and the Twitter tirades. But there's no chance he's a WR1 in any fantasy league. Somebody made an awesome joke at the live draft yesterday: "I'm always excited when I play a team with Santana Moss in the starting lineup." That awesome jokester, dear readers, WAS ME. Having Gates is like having an extra WR, but in this case, there's too much to overcome here. Mike's running back situation (Turner, SJax) can be devastating at times, and can be sitting in the ice bath nursing injuries at times. I don't think this team has the horses to take the division, but a playoff spot is a strong possibility if Steven Jackson stays healthy.

Eyerape. The world's most gentle, consensual kind of rape.

AARON: Big Ben was a sneaky good value for where he went in the draft. He could easily finish with Rivers-Brees type points and I wouldn't be surprised one bit. FOUR Pittsburgh receivers got drafted yesterday, which either means Roethlisberger's going to be throwing a ton or we're all terrible at picking players. I'd drown a pit bull to have Aaron's running back tandem, Forte going one spot before my third round pick made me audibly curse at the dinner table. I think the best way to describe Aaron's wide receiving crew is not overly talented but deep. There's a lot of good WR3 options behind VJax (second Jax nickname this post!!), and Dallas Clark will be a catch machine either as Peyton's favorite target, or Kerry Collins' security blanket. I like this team over Mike's, I'll say that much for now.

Ladies and Gentlemen: The first ever scratch-and-sniff picture on The Heftington Post. Gently scratch Mr. Benson's face on your monitor to unleash the lovely scent of bong water.

SHELBY: Brady was a reach. Guess what, he's still Tom Brady. Big deal. Peyton Hillis was almost definitely a reach. But he finished second in RB points last year while playing for the awful Browns. It's the Cedric Benson pick here that worries me the most. If the Bengals average 10 points per game this season I'd be surprised. That's gotta be one of the worst offenses ever to set foot in an NFL stadium. They're young where you want experience (QB, top WR), and old where you want youth (RB). My foolproof strategy this year was to not pick any Bengals. I was trying to tack Cedric Benson onto every trade proposal I made last year and you would have thought I was asking people if they wanted to snort a line of anthrax. I feel like I could blog for the next two or three hours and still not have done a good enough job conveying how much I dislike Cedric Benson for fantasy purposes this year. If I must move on, I don't particularly love the WRs here, but they're probably the tallest midget in this division. Wait a minute, is that AJ Green? Another Bengal? GAH SHELBY'S GOT THE PLAGUE!!

YOUR 2011 ASSHAT DIVISION CHAMPION: Aaron. I'm feeling pretty confident on that one.

Grade The Trade: Draft Pick Edition!

The details of the Hefty-Melvin draft pick trade have been cemented. Let's take a look and see who got the better of the deal in hindsight.

HEFTY GETS: The #11 pick (Roddy White) and the #59 pick (Brandon Marshall).

MELVIN GETS: The #22 pick (Phillip Rivers) and the #46 pick (Jeremy Maclin).

Roddy White does his best Owen Hart impression for the pre-game introductions.

This is obviously a strange trade to grade because we didn't actually trade those players for each other. But I think we can honestly say the trade was beneficial to both teams. Had I stayed put with my picks, the best available receiver duo I could have taken with my 2nd and 4th picks would have been Vincent Jackson and of course, Jeremy Maclin. It's probably a close enough call with those two duos from a talent perspective that I can just say I "like" my guys better and feel okay about the trade. Maclin's health worries me longterm, I'm not sure how a guy who drops 20 pounds in the offseason can be anywhere near football shape at this point. One added benefit is that picking up an extra first rounder made me much more comfortable with the gamble of taking Vick at #3.

I'll take absolutely any excuse to run this picture on this blog.

From Melvin's perspective, trading out of the first round seems to have worked out for him just fine. He picked up the free-falling Chris Johnson and Phillip Rivers in the second. You could make the argument that those two second round players are better than my haul in the first round (Vick and White), and I can't say you'd definitely be wrong. As I mentioned before, Maclin scares me, but picking up an extra 4th rounder meant that Melvin could grab him as a WR3, which is awfully low risk for a guy who finished 13th in WR scoring last year.

FINAL GRADE: I would definitely make this trade again if I had a re-do, but I think it ended up boosting Melvin's overall roster slightly more. To have Phillip Rivers, Chris Johnson, and 3 WRs by the end of the 4th round is a hell of a luxury. Advantage: MELVIN.

The Division Bell

If there's such a thing as a bad Pink Floyd album, this is it.

With the new divisional play set-up for 2011 (hooray for co-commissioners!), grabbing a playoff spot this year could be as easy as simply having two horrible teams in your division. Now obviously, we won't have any feel for how good teams are until the draft, but the fact is, we all have a track record as GMs in the league. Some of us are shoo-ins for a playoff spots just by paying our entry fee, others of us haven't made the playoffs since the last Sisqo CD came out. Using the historical performance of our GMs, let's do our first Power Ranking of the season, using overall strength of division as our barometer.

Note: Number of championships are lifetime, Playoff Appearances shown are out of the past four years (except Mr. X who has only played the last two years).

1. SHITBIRDS - Hefty (1 lifetime championship, 4 playoff appearances for the last 4 years) Davis (0, 4 for 4), Mr. X (1, 1 for 2)

If recent history is any indication, look for all three teams to secure a playoff spot. Of course, the jury is still out on our reigning champion. Let's be honest, his first year in the league was abysmal. Which year was the aberration?

As the picture clearly shows, Shelby's not in this division.

2. DICKBAGS - Craig (2, 4 for 4), Melvin (1, 2 for 4), Deewaan (0, 1 for 4)

As much as I love ripping on the guy, Craig is basically a dynasty. Playoffs every year, with multiple titles. I will point out that he's just barely squeaked over a .500 cumulative record over those 4 years though. Deewaan, although terrible at fantasy football, is pretty and his hair smells like fresh-from-the-oven snicker doodles.

3. ASSHATS - Mike (0, 2 for 4) , Aaron (0, 1 for 4), Shelby (2, 3 for 4)

I'll be honest, I always figured Mike was much better at this than the numbers bear out. Aaron finally limped into the playoffs last year, ending our long national nightmare. Shelby is a guy who can't spare thirty seconds a week to bang out an e-mail to his buddies, but has had no problem managing a perennial powerhouse.

Google Image was shockingly low on 'Cocksmith' pictures. This guy came up though.

4. COCKSMITHS - Rich (0, 4 for 4), Shawn (0, 2 for 4), Jordan (0, 3 for 4)

The only division without a former champion, which for this exercise, means they go to the back of the line. This is the division you'd most want to end up in if you had a choice in the matter.

Rank The Drank: Dogfish vs. Dogfish

Miller Chill was somehow not considered for this edition of Rank The Drank.

Last year, when it came time to rank our favorite pumpkin beers, both Mr. X and I agreed that Dogfish Head was the undisputed champion. It's not any great surprise, as Dogfish Head is known for their excellent IPAs, and come out with a few other seasonal surprises (I had an Aprihop this spring, which is brewed with Apricots. Just terrific.) However, when it comes down to choosing which of Dogfish's brews is the best of the bunch, Mr. X and I couldn't be further apart.

He claims that the 90 Minute IPA is possibly the best beer ever. I find it somewhat overwhelming, and would much rather kick back with the more traditional 60 Minute IPA.

The 60 Minute comes in at 6.0% ABV. Dogfish Head's own website describes the taste as "Really hoppy, citrusy, grassy" and claims it pairs well with spicy foods, grilled salmon, and cheddar cheese. These are all things I'd actually eat.

The 90 Minute, will have you slurring your speech after a bottle or two at a robust 9.0% ABV. As the website is quick to point out, it has been referred to by Esquire as "perhaps the best IPA in America." Its taste is described as being similar to "brandied fruitcake, raisiny", and pairs well with split pea soup and escargot.

Here's where I draw the line. One or two of the 90 Minute varieties might be fine to accompany some high class dining. But the Esquire rave review, the raisiny fruitcake taste, and the suggested snail pairing all lead me to believe this is not a beer I am meant to be cracking after getting home on a Friday and firing up the grill. I'll take a 60 Minute over it's big brother every day, and that's before even considering the price tag.

Got a preference? Love apricots in your beer? Enjoy the way escargot comes sliding right out when you purge the next morning? Let's hear it in the comments.

2011: The Rebloggening

My God, will this stupid blog ever die?

Anybody feel like reading this drivel again?

I was thinking for 2011, I could bring back the blog with some minor tweaks.

For streamlining purposes, I'd get rid of some of the more general fantasy topics (Bajingos and Sasquatches, Chumley/Tony Awards) and stay more with the inner workings of OUR league (Power Rankings, Grade The Trade). On an As Needed basis, I'd also put up a Photo Finish column on Monday, but these were always a pain in the ass because of the tight one workday timeframe. The bottom line is this: you don't need to come here to read who played well in Week 4. That's what ESPN/Yahoo/Rotoworld are for. You DO need to come here to hear that Shawn just broke into Jordan's house in the middle of the night and stole Calvin Johnson and possibly some of Gina's very valuable artifacts from the Han Dynasty.

At the expense of these very time consuming and tell-you-nothing-you-didn't-already-know features, I'd like to revisit Rank The Drank, do some TV/Movie reviews (full disclosure: I'm watching a lot of Bachelor Pad this summer), and make this blog the official home of the weekly Power Picks. There would also likely be some Phillies playoff coverage on here. Shit, maybe we could even convince Craig to put up some tasty Untrained Chef recipes.

The posts would likely be shorter than they were back in the 2007/2008 heyday, when I worked in a lonely doublewide trailer and didn't have to put a kid to bed every night. I think most of you would agree that's a good thing, because I tend to ramble and lose my focus a little bit.

Lastly, if anybody wants to contribute anything to the blog, even as a one time thing, let me know and I'll add you as a contributor.