Where snarky grins meet phallic symbols: The TonysOk, so things are a little rushed and now it's almost midnight on Tuesday and nothing has been recapped from week 2. I'm skipping the normal Studs and Duds routine and moving straight to the awards section of our fine weekly program. This week, Mr. Romo perches his dome atop the 2nd best award an actor can win that no one cares about, the Golden Globe. Here are your week two Tonys.
Game 1 - Mike def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Titans D. Ernest Graham almost snuck in here with a wily, long TD run to seal the Bucs victory over the Falcons, but the Titans kept Team Skidmark in full skidish form with a 26 point outburst while playing the Bengals during a tornado. Two weeks into the season the Titans are the #1 scoring D and are also making the commish uncomfortable for calling them out as average.
Game 2 - Jordan def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Calvin Johnson. CJ out-staged his much ballyhooed teammate, Roy Williams, by hauling in 6 catches for 129 yards and 2 TDs. That's efficiency you just don't often see. Let me make a simple comparison so you can better understand how solid the performance was. Calvin's effort is similar to that of Jordan's hair, which has fallen out at an efficient rate since the sixth grade. Judge the results for yourself. The glare don't lie.
Game 3 - Shawn def. Dave - The Tony goes to Aaron Rodgers. The young buck can get it done, people. At least against a defense that resembles a one-legged, 80 year-old woman name Ruth that has emphysema and carts around an oxygen tank. Nonetheless, over 300 yards and 3 TDs is nothing to sneeze at. In a related note. Shelby def. Shawn in the game of life as his former team name appeared to be "too close to reality" for some people to handle. The replacement team is a winner, though it hawks my SNL theme. "Imagine this iced tea is a gallon of your feces." "That's a lot of dung!"
Game 4 - Melvin def. Hefty - The Tony goes to Brandon Marshall. Holy shitballs was this guy good. He hauled in the second most passes ever in NFL history with 18 receptions after coming off a one game suspension because of "behavior problems." Why does everyone have to get on a guy because he likes a little yayo with his shrimp and grits? This is the kind of rebound I think people were looking for from Christopher Reeve when they heard he'd been kicked by a horse. Too far? Perhaps a little too far...
Game 5 - Rich def. Craig - The Tony goes to Jay Cutler, who after two weeks is your #1 overall scorer. There were a lot of choices to be had here, and honorable mention goes to Giants D and Reggie Wayne, who both mercilessly precipitated the beatdown of my team. I knew taunting Rich was a bad idea. You'd be wise to learn from my mistakes and not fall victim to his ninja ways.
Game 6 - Shelby def. Adam - The Tony goes to Santonio Holmes. The Steelers deep threat scored 12.5 points on a night so windy that seemed like planes could have been knocked from the sky. I hated making a pick here because there was no 'one' player that stood out on Shelby's team and Davis should actually have won this game. I suggest you write a personal letter to DeSean Jackson and tell him he let a guy with a turtleneck on his penis beat you in fantasy football. That will surely set him straight for the rest of the year.
Game 1 - Mike def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Titans D. Ernest Graham almost snuck in here with a wily, long TD run to seal the Bucs victory over the Falcons, but the Titans kept Team Skidmark in full skidish form with a 26 point outburst while playing the Bengals during a tornado. Two weeks into the season the Titans are the #1 scoring D and are also making the commish uncomfortable for calling them out as average.
Game 2 - Jordan def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Calvin Johnson. CJ out-staged his much ballyhooed teammate, Roy Williams, by hauling in 6 catches for 129 yards and 2 TDs. That's efficiency you just don't often see. Let me make a simple comparison so you can better understand how solid the performance was. Calvin's effort is similar to that of Jordan's hair, which has fallen out at an efficient rate since the sixth grade. Judge the results for yourself. The glare don't lie.
Game 3 - Shawn def. Dave - The Tony goes to Aaron Rodgers. The young buck can get it done, people. At least against a defense that resembles a one-legged, 80 year-old woman name Ruth that has emphysema and carts around an oxygen tank. Nonetheless, over 300 yards and 3 TDs is nothing to sneeze at. In a related note. Shelby def. Shawn in the game of life as his former team name appeared to be "too close to reality" for some people to handle. The replacement team is a winner, though it hawks my SNL theme. "Imagine this iced tea is a gallon of your feces." "That's a lot of dung!"
Game 4 - Melvin def. Hefty - The Tony goes to Brandon Marshall. Holy shitballs was this guy good. He hauled in the second most passes ever in NFL history with 18 receptions after coming off a one game suspension because of "behavior problems." Why does everyone have to get on a guy because he likes a little yayo with his shrimp and grits? This is the kind of rebound I think people were looking for from Christopher Reeve when they heard he'd been kicked by a horse. Too far? Perhaps a little too far...
Game 5 - Rich def. Craig - The Tony goes to Jay Cutler, who after two weeks is your #1 overall scorer. There were a lot of choices to be had here, and honorable mention goes to Giants D and Reggie Wayne, who both mercilessly precipitated the beatdown of my team. I knew taunting Rich was a bad idea. You'd be wise to learn from my mistakes and not fall victim to his ninja ways.
Game 6 - Shelby def. Adam - The Tony goes to Santonio Holmes. The Steelers deep threat scored 12.5 points on a night so windy that seemed like planes could have been knocked from the sky. I hated making a pick here because there was no 'one' player that stood out on Shelby's team and Davis should actually have won this game. I suggest you write a personal letter to DeSean Jackson and tell him he let a guy with a turtleneck on his penis beat you in fantasy football. That will surely set him straight for the rest of the year.
4 comments:
I'd like to note that this is the 2nd consecutive year I drafted a bargain QB in the 6th round.
This years Tony Awards will be next years Cutler Trophy!
And now I've officially jinxed my team. PillZ!!!!
I wouldn't put it past Mr. Cutler. I like the name better anyway. There's already a Tony award.
Craig I think its just you and me here.
cricket
thud.
I'm trying to entertain. It doesn't seem to be going so well.
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