The Story You Couldn't Care Less About

I've been Marmalarded!!!

You guys don't care about my other league. We've been over this before. But I just need to share this story. If nothing else, you can get a laugh in at your old pal Hefty.

I have two QBs on my roster in the other league; the above douche, Rivers, and a guy I just generally don't like, the gunslinger, Brett Favre. I've used this space to call out Rivers as a crappy inconsistent QB before, but hey, he's the #1 overall player in fantasy this year, right?? Right???

Forget it, you know how this story ends.

Piss on my lunch.

Nightmare On Broad Street

Not even Freddy Kreuger would beat his wife. You're a special kind of asshole, Brett.

OK, I know we're just two posts removed from my anti-baseball rant, but the fact is, there is some serious baseball action this weekend. The Phils lead the Mets by a game with three to play. The Brewers are also somewhere back there, I think they're tied for the Wild Card, but who knows? Again, it's football season.

Let me just present The Nightmare Scenario if you're a Phillies fan:
A one-game playoff against the Brewers for the Wild Card with the season on the line. Go through the pitching matchups this weekend, and you see it's Blanton, Moyer, Hamels. Which means with the season on the line, resting on the arm of one man, the Phillies could be handing the ball to Chief Gives Up Longball, of the Slapaho tribe.

Piss on my lunch.

Week 3 Power Rankings: The Juke Box Edition

Singin' My Crappy Team's Blues Away

This week we’ll break down the rankings and give everyone a song that attempts to sum of their efforts as a general manager so far this season.

#1 – Melvin (3-0, W3, Previously #1) – You’re the Best Around – By Paul Stanley. The Dallas Diaper Poopy Heads rolled in week 3 with the highest score in the league. Everyone on this team is putting up numbers. Did I mention his first round pick is out for the season? Scary.

#2 – Davis (2-1, W1, Previously #3) – Livin’ on the Edge – By Aerosmith. The Dump Tanks finally got production out of the first overall pick and won a tight battle against Skidmark. If LT continues to produce, Adam will be on the edge of the top spot for the foreseeable future.

#3 – Hefty (2-1, W1, Previously #4) – One Way or Another – By Blondie. He’s gonna find ya, he’s gonna getcha, getcha, getcha. The Westbrook prognosis is dicey, but Michael Turner appears to be poised for a solid season. Now, if he could only play the Lions and Chiefs all year…

# 4 – Rich (2-1, L1, Previously #2) – Turning Japanese – By The Vapors. We all know Rich is already Japanese and I doubt he’s been turning Japanese much since he got married. Let’s face it. There’s no way I’m going to fill this juke box theme without throwing a nonsensical tune in there every once in a while.

#5 – Shelby (3-0, W3, Previously #8) – Screaming Infidelities – Dashboard Confessional. I revisit this topic for yet another week. Shelby has yet to score 100 points, but has the fewest points in the league scored against him. He probably only needs to go 4-6 the rest of the way to get into the playoffs. A win this week, and I’ll officially have to change my stance on Mr. Fidler’s skeleton squad.

#6 – Jordan (2-1, W2, Previously #7) – Thunderdome – By Primal Fear. In case you hadn’t noticed, Jordan is bald. It’s funny. Nothing like recycled humor to get you through the power rankings. Seriously, he’s won two in a row and has moved into the top half of the rankings.

#7 – Shawn (2-1, W2, Previously #9) - Bad Medicine – By Bon Jovi. Shawn certainly gave me the bad medicine this week by thumping my team and recording the second highest point total in the league. This has nothing to do with him screaming the chorus of this song at Hefty’s and Rich’s weddings, I swear.

#8 – Mike (1-2, L1, Previously #5) – Once Bitten, Twice Shy - By Great White. Mike’s been the victim of his opponent having a monster week twice now in the first three weeks. He’s gone over 100 points every week and has little to show for it. That will work itself out as we get into the bye weeks and the middle of the season. This is still a playoff team.

#9 – Craig (1-2, L2, Previously #6) – Saturday Night’s Alright (For Fighting) – By Elton John. So far this season, Saturday is my favorite day of the weekend. I’ve followed each Penn State win by getting drunk and then waking up with a hangover only to see my fantasy team shit the bed. So far, I’m managing a team of paper all-stars. My lineup and match ups look great, but they aren’t producing. The Blow look to get back on track against the 0-3 StinkPalmers in week 4.

#10 – Dave (0-3, L3, Previously #11) – Cruel Summer – By Bananarama. Dave scored well last week and was a couple more Rivers to Gates connections away from beating Hefty. He’s happy to see the calendar turn to fall as the first three weeks of the season were none too kind to our friend and everyone’s favorite, Deewan.

#11 – Aaron (0-3, L3, Previously #10) – Yellow Submarine – By The Beatles. Aaron lives in a yellow submarine and it’s sinking to the bottom of the power rankings. His team lacked punch yet again. It’s tough to put up points when your QB is running for his life.

#12 – Jonesy (0-3, L3, Previously #12) – In the End – By Linkin Park. Here rests Jerod’s Mayo, at the end of the power rankings. I really think a name change is needed here. I predict this team will not win until it gets on board with the rest of the league and hits up the fecal theme. It was a sad day on Thursday, as Jonesy cut a beloved Patriot from his team. Steven Gostowski is now available.

Give Me My Tonys Back!

I'm throwing a Blog-tantrum.

This is a big EFF YOU to Citizen 10 Cane. You obviously put a lot of time into your below, stinky column. Couldn't you at least done the Tonys right?! Has the great weekly award of our league been denigrated so badly that it only deserves a mention in the comments? Crockery!

Hefty def. Dave - The Tony goes to Eagles D. At truly stifling performance, albeit against a completely outgunned Oline.

Shelby def. Aaron - The Tony goes to Frank Gore. He had a lot of yards and scored a TD. Awesome.

Adam def. Mike - The Tony goes to Vikings D. Sack. Fumble. TD. Game.

Melvin def. Jonesy - The Tony goes to Reggie Bush. Kim Kardashian is a whore.

Shawn def. Craig - The Tony goes to Roddy White. Malcontent.

Jordan def. Rich - The Tony goes to TJ Houshmandzadeh. Degenerate.

There you have it. The Tonys. Week 3. Happy, Happy. Joy, Joy.

What Really Grinds My Gears

The Prime Minister of Blogaria is back to address the people.

OK, first of all, I had to get the "fashion" post off the top of the page just in case anybody Googles my name and this blog comes up and they think I put that there. That's not even worthy of bush league. It's 8th-Grade-JV level crap. Craig, you are on notice. We all appreciate you picking up the slack and handing out Chumleys and ranking the squads, but come on.

On notice.

Anyway, this weekend at the Eagles game (thanks, Best Hombre!!!), I was trying to get NFL scores on my new phone, which comes with a limited version of ESPN MVP. You can't do much on it, you basically have to wait through a ticker like you're watching Sports Center's Bottom Line. It's a neat feature, but it also comes with one brutal flaw.

The ticker ALWAYS starts on Major League Baseball. And this really grinds my gears.

Now, I've been known to change my mind from time to time. Prominent examples include:
-The Gin and Tonic, which has gone from tasting like Barbara Walters' ass sweat to a very palatable and refreshing beverage in nearly no time.
-"A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend, which has gone from another song by kids whose dads didn't hug them enough to a song that makes me crank the radio up every time it comes on.
-DeSean Jackson, who has gone from the greatest rookie wide reciever ever to play the game to another dumb wide reciever who thinks far too much of himself at the expense of his team.

So, I may be many things, but stubborn is not one of them. However, there's one thing I'll never change my mind on...

ONCE SEPTEMBER STARTS, BASEBALL IS OVER. IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON.

This annoys me to no end. The baseball season has seven months out of the year to grab our attention, and it teases us with these meaningless, picayune, tedious, games which never seem to mean anything until August and September. Well guess what? By the time I'm supposed to start really taking an active interest in this sport, I couldn't care less.

This is totally backwards. Play the meaningful games when we have nothing else on our minds. Besides, baseball is a summer game. The games with the highest stakes should be during the summer. How many times have you watched a World Series game, gone outside, and shivered your ass off in the cold State College night?

My solution: move the season up a month.

"But Hefty", you say, "that means they'd be starting play in February!! It'll never work!!!" Yes, actually, it will. Here's why.

Step 1: Eliminate Spring Training. A Major League Baseball team, last time I checked, plays one month of preseason games, then plays 162 regular season games, then plays anywhere up to 19 postseason games. Doesn't that seem excessive? That's over 200 games in a season. If you can't get into baseball shape without those first twenty or thirty games, then you're not an athlete. Just give back your million dollars a year, and go drive a bus or dig a ditch like the rest of us.
But what about the young players? Well, that's a good argument, except there's about 8 different minor league teams in every major league team's farm system. I'm sure the young players can get plenty of practice playing in AAA, or AA, or A, or rookie ball, or one of those other teams where none of the players can legally drink.

OK, so we've shaved a month off the season. We're still starting in February though. And it's cold in February, especially up north in cities like Chicago and Detroit.

Step 2: Globalize. Play the first two months of the regular season in warmer countries where they worship baseball even more than we do. Let the players go on a whirlwind tour, playing in countries like the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Japan, and South America. This is not an unprecedented idea. The Red Sox opened the regular season in Japan this year, and the Expos played in Puerto Rico before they moved to Washington a few years ago. This gets fans of all countries excited about the teams, the players, and most importantly, the league. International merchandise sales skyrocket, teams scout overseas talent more closely for a few months, and most importantly, the season is off and running. The teams would then return home for their home openers in April as usual.
Added bonus I just thought of: this reduces the amount of season tickets the average fan needs to buy by about twenty-four games. Now they're paying for fifty-seven games instead of eighty-one. The cost of the season tickets are cheaper, and they're getting the fifty-seven games that really matter. By the way, if you have time to attend eighty-one home games a year, you are a total fag.
The owners? Well, yes, they'll lose some money by losing those twenty-four games a year, but they should see a near offset in profits when you add up international ticket sales and merchandise. Whatever. Bud Selig needs to work that shit out. I'm a blogger, not an economist.

So, we've got the season starting in February, playing regular season games overseas for two months, returning to the states in April, and playing through the regular season as usual for the next four months until July.

And when August rolls around? The NFL starts its preseason (which is worthless), and Major League Baseball has the stage to themselves for the playoffs and World Series. A totally blank sports landscape except for America's Pasttime.
Another added bonus: August television is unbearably horrible. Reality shows are on every night, there's no new House or Office or Heroes or any of the shows that people usually watch. I'm not a Neilsen Ratings expert, but the Olympics were just on and had millions and millions of viewers for "sports" like badminton, fencing, and water polo. I think you'll get people to tune in for the World Series. Plus, the Latinos and Japanese are more emotionally involved, and they all watch too. Ratings bonanza. Advertising dollars would rival that of the Super Bowl, and make up for even more of the discrepancy from fewer domestic games.

Listen, I know this post has gone on far too long, but here's my thesis statement:

Baseball is far too good of a sport to be on during football season, because football is even better, and will always trump baseball, even playoff baseball. There's just no reason why we should have to choose between the two.

OK. That's all. I think I've ungrinded my gears. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

Walbert Wedding Style Tracker

Notice how Rock and Kristi handsomely model my suit design. Kelly is really torn that she won't be able to make an appearance in "Deluxe Thicket."

So much like the real woods, you'll want to drop trow and take a dump.

Adam uses his uncrushed can collection to really stand out.


Jordan arrives in style.

Melvin and Ange show off their color coordination.

Week 2 Power Rankings: The Chef Comes Calling

This way to the sausage buffet!!

Week 2 has come and gone, so it's time to roll out the power rankings. Someone unexpected has cooked up a 2-0 record. Sick of cliches!? Too bad. I'm laying them on think in this one.


#1. Melvin (2-0, W2, Previously #4) I cannot emphasize how impressed I am that Melvin is winning without Tom Brady. He's taking whatever is laying around in the kitchen and making a feast fit for a king. Brandon Marshall and Kurt Warner have to continue to carry this team. He looks to roll to 3-0 with a match-up against Jerod's Mayo this week.

#2. Rich (2-0, W2, Previously #6) Rich poked, hammered and tenderized my ass all weekend. He smoked the Blow (?!) by 50 points on the strength of Cutler and Giants D. The team originally ranked dead last in the first power rankings has risen to the top faster than whipping cream. He faces a tough match-up against Jordan's Sharts in week 3.

#3. Hefty (1-1, L1, Previously #2) Hefty was severely hamstrung by the Texans/Ravens postponement. He lost out on two #1 targets in Andre Johnson and Derrick Mason and still put up more points than 5 other teams. This is a solid team with balance. A well-rounded meal, if you will. He'll likely bounce back with a game against the sinking Stinkpalmers this week.

#4. Davis (1-1, L1, Previously #3) Adam should be 2-0. He baked the perfect cake and DeSean Jackson brought the wrong icing to the party. That joker cost McNabb at least 6 points. I like this team and I refuse to punish him for this type of BS. Plus, he let us get drunk and abuse his house all weekend, so that's major points in the power rankings.

#5. Mike (1-1, W1, Previously #5) Mike put a notch in the win column and did it with extremely subpar performances from Brees and Moss. This is a team that should be in it as long as the WRs stay healthy. He has a tough match-up against the Dump Tanks this week, so get your snack and drinks ready, it could go down to the wire.

#6. Craig (1-1, L1, Previously #1) I guess I blame myself. I put the bullseye on my back and got taken out with a bazooka. Uncharacteristically bad weeks from Grant and Cotchery doomed me before Sunday was over. Steve Smith comes back from suspension to give this team a shot of espresso. SNL themed teams collide as Colon Blow takes on Oops! I Crapped My Pants.

#7. Jordan (1-1, W1, Previously #8) Jordan rebounded from a horrible week 1 and put up 50 more points in his second go-round. After being turned away at the church potluck dinner for bringing week-old meatloaf, he manned up and cooked up something fresh for the good folks of the congregation. He's might have some trouble on his hands in the next few weeks as his running back situation is very suspect with injuries to Peterson and Maroney.

#8. Shelby (2-0, W2, Previously #7) See Adam's ranking. Shelby should have lost this game. He has yet to break 100. You can only make a porterhouse look like filet mignon for so long. The true colors of this team will be on display soon enough.

#9. Shawn (1-1, W1, Previously #10) Shawn put a mediocre menu out in week 2 and it was enough to get some 2 star reviews. He's still smarting from the Ocho Cinco bizarro world, but the rest of his team is looking ok. If McFadden can continue to put up points, he can probably strengthen his WR corp through a trade. He faces the Stinkpalmers in week 3.

#10. Aaron (0-2, L2, Previously #12) Although Burrito Rice is winless on the young season, they showed some life in week 2, going over 100 points. It was a major turn-around from week 1. I still haven't seen enough to make me think this is a playoff team.

#11. Deewan (0-2, L2, Previously #9) The lack of running back depth really hurt Dave in week 2. I like his week 3 match ups, but you really can judge a restaurant by it's menu, you have to taste the food. He has a shot to move up in the next couple weeks and make the playoffs like I expect him to.

#12. Jonesy (0-2, L2, Previously #11) Jerod's Mayo doesn't taste good on sandwiches, hamburgers, potato salad or egg salad. It probably only tastes good to the stripper he's banging. How long will he stick with the Carson Palmer experiment? This team is bad right now, but I still love you, buddy.