Week 10: The Tony Awards

"I know, it's huge. Thanks for noticing."

I don't know why, but that picture just made me LoL at my office so in the blog it goes! Our man and Hefty's other love interest is back in the game this week, so hopefully that will make for some interesting story lines come Monday morning. For now, let's recap the studs from week 10 that propelled their teams to victory!


Rich def. Aaron - And the Tony goes to Jay Cutler. 3TDs and 447 yards!! Wowzers! His 41 points allowed Rich to squeak by Aaron after Burrito Rice posted a valiant effort in MNF. Close game and all the more reason to play against the league average!! Yay for evidence based arguments!


Mike def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Thomas Jones. In another tight game this week the Jets runningback saved Mike by going for 150 yards and 3TDs of his own. It was easily his highest scoring game of the season. Will he be able to continue the upward trend against the nemesis Patriots? NFL Network will tell us tonight!


Jordan def. Hefty - And the Tony goes to Adrian Peterson. When you MUST have a win, lean on your studs. The #2 overall pick didn't disappoint. Peterson is now the NFL's leading rusher and his 30.5 points in week 10 made sure Hefty wouldn't be seeing the top of the standings anytime soon.


Craig def. Jonesy - And the Tony goes to Tyler Thigpen. Raise your hand if you had heard of Thigpen before the season. No one? Not surprising. This guy has come out of no where to record three straight off the chart fantasy weeks. His 32.7 points were topped only by Warner and Cutler. That's impressive and a premonition for later in this column. Truthfully, this was a hard one to pick. Four guys on my team scored 24 or more points. That's balance and that's deadly.


Adam def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Maurice Jones-Drew. If you haven't been paying attention, MJD has a monster game every 3rd week. In games 3, 6 and 9 he's scored 24, 29 and 28 points respectively. In all other games he's totaled 49 points. That means he'll have a huge week to get Adam into the playoffs in week 13 and then another huge week to win Adam the title, right?


Melvin def. Shelby - And the Tony goes to Kurt Warner. Melvin was down going into MNF. But Warner continued his MVP campaign by slicing and dicing the 49ers to the tune of 328 yards and 3 scores. He's cut down on the turnovers too, with only 3 in his last five games. That either means he's corrected something or he's due for another six turnover meltdown like he had against the Jets.

Week 10: Photo Finishes

"Melvin in lane 2 and Rich in lane 5 pull ahead of the competition!"

There are a couple games that won't be decided until the smoke has cleared at the University of Phoenix Stadium tonight. Let's see who's walking away with a W.

Shelby (+4.1, Frank Gore) vs. Melvin (Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald) - This one is pretty simple from where I stand. Frank Gore puts up about 16 points a game. Warner and Fitzgerald combine for about 40 points every week.
Prediction: Melvin wins to take over the #1 spot.

Rich (+29.6) vs. Aaron (Anquan Boldin) - Boldin's best week of the year is 39 points against the Dolphins in week 2. Since then he's had plates put in his face to he could be more like Wolverine. He'll need the same effort to help Aaron stop Rich from going to 6-4.
Prediction: Rich hangs on to solidify the #5 spot.

Monday Morning Whine-o: Play More Games

So we're here now about to complete the 10th week of our fantasy season. I'm 5-5. Not bad, not great either. I could make the playoffs comfortably, I could miss them all together. The problem is, I feel like I have a pretty damn good team, but the results aren't showing in the record.

Here's what I proposed earlier in the year (albeit selfishly) for our scoring system in the coming years of Westside Fantasy Football VII and beyond. Not only would you play a head-to-head game, you'd play against the league scoring average on any given week. This would create a system where if one team scored a lot of points but got beat by the highest scoring team in the league that week, they'd still get something out of it. Below you'll see the statistical analysis of our league currently and what things would look like if we used the scoring average system.

This is just an idea, but I think it creates a little more parody. Week 10 is included based on projected points.

Current: #1 Melvin (8-2); #2 Jordan (8-2); #3 Hefty (7-3); #4 Rich (6-4); #5 Shelby (6-4); #6 Craig (5-5); #7 Mike (4-6); #8 Adam (4-6); #9 Jonesy (4-6); #10 Shawn (3-7); #11 Dave (3-7); #12 Aaron (2-8).

Weekly league scoring average: Week 1 - 98.7; Week 2 - 109.5; Week 3 - 103.3; Week 4 - 103.8; Week 5 - 105.5; Week 6 - 103.4; Week 7 - 106.5; Week 8 - 110.5; Week 9 - 99.3; Week 10 - 113.7.

Records with weekly scoring averages factored in: #1 Melvin (15-5); #2 Hefty (14-6); #3 Jordan (14-6); #4 Craig (12-8); #5 Rich (11-9); #6 Mike (9-11); #7 Shawn (9-11); #8 Adam (9-11); #9 Shelby (9-11); #10 Dave (7-13); #11 Aaron (6-14); #12 Jonesy (6-14). (Overall points used as tie breakers).

Only Melvin and Adam maintain their current positions using this formula. Everyone else moves at least one spot in either direction. Personally, I think it's more representative of how good each team is. Again, it helps me as much as anyone.

For fun -
Records if just the scoring average was used: #1 Craig (7-3); #2 Melvin (7-3); #3 Hefty (7-3); #4 Jordan (6-4); #5 Rich (6-4); #6 Shawn (6-4); #7 Mike (5-5); #8 Adam (5-5); #9 Dave (4-6); #10 Aaron (4-6); #11 Shelby (3-7); #12 Jonesy (2-8).

So there you have my arguments for adding this additional element to our league. That and awarding players for punt and kickoff return TDs, right Hester?! I mean, Hefty?!

Week 9 Power Rankings: The Presidents Edition

"One day, these great big heads will be joined by the 2008 Westside Village Fantasy Football Champion."

#1 Hefty (7-2, W2, 119.5 avg, Previously #2) - Ronald Reagan - He's not acting at all. He's dominating bitches. Hefty has the highest average weekly score by nearly 5 points over the next competitor. Reagan garnered 526 electoral votes, the most ever. If no one does anything, Hefty's looking at a second term as League Champion.

#2 Jordan (7-2, W3, 110.1 avg, Previously #3) - Dwight Eisenhower - This one is easy folks. Dwight D and Jordan share a very unique trait and it isn't returning from abroad from a successful war as the leader of the Allied Attack. Nope, they're both free from the burden of hair.

#3 Melvin (7-2, L2, 114.7 avg, Previously #1) - George H.W. Bush - He was on the top of his game for a while and tried to ride the coattails of Reagan for a 2nd term. That little promise of no new taxes kinda back fired and he found himself out of the Oval Office and has attended every sporting event in Texas history since. He especially likes those rascally Astros. To the point, Melvin was just cruising along and has now hit a rough patch. He's in no danger of missing the playoffs, but a high seed could be in danger.

#4 Rich (5-4, W1, 103.9 avg, Previously #5) - James K. Polk - Do you know much about him? No, neither do I.

#5 Craig (4-5, L1, 111.5 avg, Previously #4) - Jimmy Carter - Sandwiched between two Republicans on either side of his Presidency, Carter gave America a taste of the liberalism it thought it needed and then quickly realized it wanted nothing to do with. He's responsible for starting Habitat for Humanity and likes to get involved in foreign politics years after his term ended. He's a nice guy and I'm already struggling with this column.

#6 Shelby (6-3, W1, 96.3 avg, Previously #9) - Teddy Roosevelt - His motto was "walk softly and carry a big stick." Well, Shelby certainly hasn't been scoring much with the 3rd lowest average in the league, but he's winning. He could be a real ball-ache for someone in the playoffs.

#7 Jonesy (4-5, W3, 94.7 avg, Previously #10) - Franklin Roosevelt - When Jonesy took office, things did not look good at all. His team was laughed at post-draft and came out of the gates about as quickly as Paris Hilton doing long division. However, after a few prudent moves like Social Security, FDIC, SEC, and the CCC, Jonesy was riding high and 4-1 over his last five games. Whether or not he can sustain the longest fantasy football tenure in history remains to be seen.

#8 Mike (3-6, L2, 112.1 avg, Previously #6) - JFK - Let's cut to the chase, like John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Mike scores a lot. Unfortunately for Skidmark Mishap, his playoff hopes are about to be assassinated if he doesn't win this week. It's sad to see a promising fellow cut down in his prime. I think though, that it may be a reach to think Mike's exit will galvanize a nation.

#9 Shawn (3-6, L3, 103.5 avg, Previously #7) - Chester A. Arthur - I received good information that Shawn is attempting to grow a beard in the mold of our favorite facial haired leader. Oh, and his team is crap right now.

#10 Dave (3-6, L1, 97 avg, Previously #8) - William J. Clinton - Dave doesn't necessarily make the strongest picks for his team and just like Clinton's picks some floozies for his cabinet. Good thing for Dave is, he's only a Cuban and a pussy away from stepping closer to the playoffs.

#11 Aaron (2-7, W2, 95 avg, Previously #11) - Harry S. Truman - They printed papers the night of the election that showed Truman's opponent Thomas Dewey had beaten his incumbent bid for the Presidency. Truman flipped off the doubters and he retained the White House to later be named one of the top presidents in history. Aaron has faced similar doubters in this league but he's given everyone a big EFF YOU by winning two straight.

#12 Davis (3-6, L3, 95.9 avg, Previously #11) - Herbert Hoover - The Great Depression. The Cellar. The Bottom of the Barrel. Synonyms for sucking ass. Here lies Adam's season.

The Tony Awards: Week 9

"Hey there fella. I think I see some pretty handsome award winners out there."

Well, the election has come and gone and so has week 9! It's in the books and a bunch of really fun things happened. Aaron won, and Melvin lost, again! Dave's three game winning streak came to a screeching halt and so did Shelby's three game losing streak. Coincidentally, they scored the fewest and most points in the league, respectively. Now it's time to hand out some week 9 certificates of studliness.

Hefty def. Craig - And the Tony goes to Derek Mason. I probably could have just awarded Hefty's team's consistency. I mean seriously. Four guys scored exactly 14 points. Show me a time that's happened before, in any league. No, the award goes to Mason because he destroyed my hopes of pulling off a win and embarrassed the Browns secondary in the process.

Jordan def. Melvin - And the Tony goes to Adrian Peterson. He's hardly in a sophomore slump, but he's not breaking his rookie season records by any means. Peterson's 20 points helped stave off another weak effort by the Poopy Heads. Both teams need to score more if they want to go anywhere in the playoffs.

Aaron def. Dave - And the Tony goes to Clinton Portis. On a night where his QB got hurt and the Redskins got totally dominated, Burrito Rice was somehow able to pull out a close battle. Portis didn't find the endzone or top 100 yards but he caught a bunch of passes and still ended up with 15.5 points to win it for Aaron.

Shelby def. Mike - And the Tony goes to Peyton Manning. I have to reward Shelby for sticking with his stud even after I criticized him for not playing Peyton and then the strategy backfired the following week. Your number 1 picks will win you more games than they'll lose. Shelby's big week came just in the nick of time as Mike was forced to bench Brees with a bye. Can't catch a break this year, hoss.

Jonesy def. Shawn - And the Tony goes to Antonio Bryant. Yeah, you read that right. Antonio "I got thrown out of Dallas by Bill Parcells and I suck because I went to Pitt" Bryant. He scored 22 points!! Are you kidding! Jonesy's wins have certainly been due to some stellar waiver wire pick-ups. Anal Leakage is creeping closer towards the playoffs.

Rich def. Davis - And the Tony goes to Brandon Jacobs. In the tighest game of the weekend, Rich relied on his big beef in the backfield and it paid off nicely. Dallas had no answer for Jacobs as the Giants rolled. Rich also sent the DumpTanks to their third straight loss, eekers!

A Thinly Veiled Attempt To Get You To Vote For Whitey

Obama makes one last campaign stop before the big day!

"Hello my fellow Americans. Tomorrow is truly a historical day for our nation. And just know that none of this CHANGE could have happened without you. And I'm proud to be adressing you on a truly wonderful piece of internet literature, A Little Slap And Pickle!! And I'd like to talk about a topic we all love, NFL football! What a tremendous game. I remember being a fan of Sweetness and Refrigerator Perry watching the Chicago Bears back in the mid-eighties. But the game is CHANGING and evolving constantly. And honestly, I'm concerned about a disturbing trend in the NFL landscape. And I want you to know that as your next president, I'll do everything I can to make the necessary CHANGES to correct this problem.

Of course, I'm talking about the greed and injustices that have run rampant through the NFL landscape. A quick glance at the standings clearly proves my point. Here you have teams like the Tennessee Titans and New York Giants, who are unfairly hogging all the wins. And on the other hand, poor, impoverished teams like the Detroit Lions and Cincinatti Bengals, just can't buy a break. They've got but one meager win between them. And under my presidency, we'd correct this social injustice.

You see, I think when you spread the wins around, it's a good thing.

Under my plan, the Titans and Giants would each be taxed heavily, and those wins would be redistributed amongst the teams who are hurting and suffering and just haven't had a fair shake. Take the Bengals...do they almost always make the wrong personnel decisions, have an overrated coach, multiple felons on the roster, and let cancers get an absurd amount of the spotlight? No, no they don't. They've just been unfairly treated by the NFL, and we can make sure we can correct this.

And while all this is happening, teams like the Titans are experiencing a windfall of wins, which certainly has nothing to do with the fact that they've worked hard, developed an excellent running game, a tremendous defense, a head coach who doesn't take crap from his prima donna players, and a sound business model which promotes sucess. No, the Titans and Giants are the wealthiest 5% of teams when it comes to wins and it's time we took what they have and gave it to the teams who need it more.

You see, for teams like the Titans and Giants, giving up three or four wins is nothing. It's chump change.

So we take the wins from the Titans and Giants and we give them to the Lions and Bengals and now you've got all the teams sitting at 4-4, which is really what we need to see more of in the NFL, even though most people with half a brain would agree that the shitty teams didn't earn anything, and the good teams shouldn't be penalized for working hard.

And, that, my fellow Americans, is my new plan for the NFL in a nutshell. If this makes any sense to you, then you're even more hypnotized by my suave black persona than I had anticipated. Thank you and good night."

Photo Finishes: Week 9

"ALSAP - We put the 'wing' in swing-vote!!"

Below are the games coming down to the wire on this election-eve. An interesting note is that over the last 17 presidential elections, a Redskins victory in the game prior to the election means that the party that won the previous popular vote won the election. If the Redskins lost, the party that lost the previous popular vote won the election. If history holds true, Redskins win=McCain, Steelers win=Obama.

Dave (+8.2, Santana Moss, Shawn Suisham) vs. Aaron (Big Ben, Clinton Portis). Let's make this quick. Big Ben and Portis combine for over 20 points in their sleep. Dave needs big time connections from Campbell to Moss.
Prediction: Aaron wins his 2nd in a row!

Mike (+7.7) vs. Shelby (Santonio Holmes, Steelers D)
Prediction: Shelby wins easy.

Davis (+2.9) vs. Rich (Hines Ward). There's a chance Ward will be shutout, but I seriously doubt it. He needs 2 receptions for 20 yards to win it for Rich.
Prediction: Rich sends Davis further into Playoff purgitory.