What Really Grinds My Gears

The Prime Minister of Blogaria is back to address the people.

OK, first of all, I had to get the "fashion" post off the top of the page just in case anybody Googles my name and this blog comes up and they think I put that there. That's not even worthy of bush league. It's 8th-Grade-JV level crap. Craig, you are on notice. We all appreciate you picking up the slack and handing out Chumleys and ranking the squads, but come on.

On notice.

Anyway, this weekend at the Eagles game (thanks, Best Hombre!!!), I was trying to get NFL scores on my new phone, which comes with a limited version of ESPN MVP. You can't do much on it, you basically have to wait through a ticker like you're watching Sports Center's Bottom Line. It's a neat feature, but it also comes with one brutal flaw.

The ticker ALWAYS starts on Major League Baseball. And this really grinds my gears.

Now, I've been known to change my mind from time to time. Prominent examples include:
-The Gin and Tonic, which has gone from tasting like Barbara Walters' ass sweat to a very palatable and refreshing beverage in nearly no time.
-"A-Punk" by Vampire Weekend, which has gone from another song by kids whose dads didn't hug them enough to a song that makes me crank the radio up every time it comes on.
-DeSean Jackson, who has gone from the greatest rookie wide reciever ever to play the game to another dumb wide reciever who thinks far too much of himself at the expense of his team.

So, I may be many things, but stubborn is not one of them. However, there's one thing I'll never change my mind on...

ONCE SEPTEMBER STARTS, BASEBALL IS OVER. IT IS FOOTBALL SEASON.

This annoys me to no end. The baseball season has seven months out of the year to grab our attention, and it teases us with these meaningless, picayune, tedious, games which never seem to mean anything until August and September. Well guess what? By the time I'm supposed to start really taking an active interest in this sport, I couldn't care less.

This is totally backwards. Play the meaningful games when we have nothing else on our minds. Besides, baseball is a summer game. The games with the highest stakes should be during the summer. How many times have you watched a World Series game, gone outside, and shivered your ass off in the cold State College night?

My solution: move the season up a month.

"But Hefty", you say, "that means they'd be starting play in February!! It'll never work!!!" Yes, actually, it will. Here's why.

Step 1: Eliminate Spring Training. A Major League Baseball team, last time I checked, plays one month of preseason games, then plays 162 regular season games, then plays anywhere up to 19 postseason games. Doesn't that seem excessive? That's over 200 games in a season. If you can't get into baseball shape without those first twenty or thirty games, then you're not an athlete. Just give back your million dollars a year, and go drive a bus or dig a ditch like the rest of us.
But what about the young players? Well, that's a good argument, except there's about 8 different minor league teams in every major league team's farm system. I'm sure the young players can get plenty of practice playing in AAA, or AA, or A, or rookie ball, or one of those other teams where none of the players can legally drink.

OK, so we've shaved a month off the season. We're still starting in February though. And it's cold in February, especially up north in cities like Chicago and Detroit.

Step 2: Globalize. Play the first two months of the regular season in warmer countries where they worship baseball even more than we do. Let the players go on a whirlwind tour, playing in countries like the Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Japan, and South America. This is not an unprecedented idea. The Red Sox opened the regular season in Japan this year, and the Expos played in Puerto Rico before they moved to Washington a few years ago. This gets fans of all countries excited about the teams, the players, and most importantly, the league. International merchandise sales skyrocket, teams scout overseas talent more closely for a few months, and most importantly, the season is off and running. The teams would then return home for their home openers in April as usual.
Added bonus I just thought of: this reduces the amount of season tickets the average fan needs to buy by about twenty-four games. Now they're paying for fifty-seven games instead of eighty-one. The cost of the season tickets are cheaper, and they're getting the fifty-seven games that really matter. By the way, if you have time to attend eighty-one home games a year, you are a total fag.
The owners? Well, yes, they'll lose some money by losing those twenty-four games a year, but they should see a near offset in profits when you add up international ticket sales and merchandise. Whatever. Bud Selig needs to work that shit out. I'm a blogger, not an economist.

So, we've got the season starting in February, playing regular season games overseas for two months, returning to the states in April, and playing through the regular season as usual for the next four months until July.

And when August rolls around? The NFL starts its preseason (which is worthless), and Major League Baseball has the stage to themselves for the playoffs and World Series. A totally blank sports landscape except for America's Pasttime.
Another added bonus: August television is unbearably horrible. Reality shows are on every night, there's no new House or Office or Heroes or any of the shows that people usually watch. I'm not a Neilsen Ratings expert, but the Olympics were just on and had millions and millions of viewers for "sports" like badminton, fencing, and water polo. I think you'll get people to tune in for the World Series. Plus, the Latinos and Japanese are more emotionally involved, and they all watch too. Ratings bonanza. Advertising dollars would rival that of the Super Bowl, and make up for even more of the discrepancy from fewer domestic games.

Listen, I know this post has gone on far too long, but here's my thesis statement:

Baseball is far too good of a sport to be on during football season, because football is even better, and will always trump baseball, even playoff baseball. There's just no reason why we should have to choose between the two.

OK. That's all. I think I've ungrinded my gears. Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.