Hey! That's not the Magnum I expected to see!!In a take from Hefty's previously, wildly successful column, Bajingos and Sasquatches, I bring you Magnums and Extra Slims (it's a working title). We'll explore who scored stud-like points and who really shat the bed during week 1.
Extra Slims
1. Marques Colston - Right here is the #25 overall pick in our league this year. He went high in every draft I've seen. Drew Brees threw for 343 and his best receiver only got 26 yards on 3 catches? WTF is that about? The Saints are sure to spread the ball around all season, which means it'll be feast or famine every week for Mr. Colston.
2. Aaron's Runningbacks - CLINTON! and JAMAL! combined for 15.5 points. The Browns had to abandon the running game after they got bitch-slapped by Romo and the Cowboys. The Redskins o-line couldn't create holes in a wet paper bag against the Giants. Neither found the end zone in an abysmal first week for the backfield of Old Burrito Rice. Things will turn around, but perhaps not as soon as Aaron would like. Lewis faces the Steelers in prime-time next week.
3. Carson Palmer - Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. His team is atrocious and Palmer doesn't look like he's strong enough to carry them on his back. The Bungles faced a team with less offensive potential than any I've ever seen and still couldn't put this one away. Heck, their terrible defense has more touchdowns than the offense! Carson finished the day with 99 yards on 10 completions and an interception. The only hope for Palmer to return to pro-bowl form is for him to get traded to a team that doesn't have the locker room discord currently found in Cincinnati.
4. Jacksonville Runningbacks - Fred Taylor and MoJo Drew were expected to provide fantasy owners with weeks of solid scoring. Not so against a solid, but unspectacular Titans defense. On the whole, the duo combined for only 77 total yards of offense. Word out of Florida is two starting o-linemen might be out for the year as well. Tread lightly if you own either Jag RB.
5. Kevin Boss - ZERO POINTS. That is all.
Magnums
2. Aaron's Runningbacks - CLINTON! and JAMAL! combined for 15.5 points. The Browns had to abandon the running game after they got bitch-slapped by Romo and the Cowboys. The Redskins o-line couldn't create holes in a wet paper bag against the Giants. Neither found the end zone in an abysmal first week for the backfield of Old Burrito Rice. Things will turn around, but perhaps not as soon as Aaron would like. Lewis faces the Steelers in prime-time next week.
3. Carson Palmer - Wow. That's pretty much all I can say. His team is atrocious and Palmer doesn't look like he's strong enough to carry them on his back. The Bungles faced a team with less offensive potential than any I've ever seen and still couldn't put this one away. Heck, their terrible defense has more touchdowns than the offense! Carson finished the day with 99 yards on 10 completions and an interception. The only hope for Palmer to return to pro-bowl form is for him to get traded to a team that doesn't have the locker room discord currently found in Cincinnati.
4. Jacksonville Runningbacks - Fred Taylor and MoJo Drew were expected to provide fantasy owners with weeks of solid scoring. Not so against a solid, but unspectacular Titans defense. On the whole, the duo combined for only 77 total yards of offense. Word out of Florida is two starting o-linemen might be out for the year as well. Tread lightly if you own either Jag RB.
5. Kevin Boss - ZERO POINTS. That is all.
Magnums
1. Michael Turner - I don't think anyone saw this one coming. Sure the Falcons like to run the ball, but Turner's effort on Sunday was amazing. He totted the rock for 220 yards and a touchdown, all on just 22 carries (11yds/carry if anyone's counting). Granted, he played against a defense that looked like it was playing hide-and-go-fuck-yourself, but nonetheless, 40.5 points is 40.5 points.
2. Willie Parker - Fast Willie totaled 2 touchdowns in 2007, much to the chagrin of Mr. Walbert. He'd eclipsed that total with 9 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter of his first game of the season in 2008. Right now, he looks like a steal for Jonesy as it's obvious the Steelers are still committed to the run and their o-line is playing with a chip on its collective shoulder after hearing negative press all off-season. Parker got most of the 3rd and 4th quarters off and was still able to amass 32 points.
3. Donovan McNabb - Amazingly enough, Davis didn't take Tom Brady with his first pick, and it seems to have already paid dividends. McNabb sliced and diced the Rams with a depleted receiver corp to the tune of 361 yards and 3 TDs.
4. Hines Ward - The forgotten man in Pittsburgh was claimed to be too old and too slow to keep up with his younger running mate, Santonio Holmes. Well folks, if you didn't already know Ward still has high-level fantasy value. His quarterback doesn't make many mistakes and puts the ball on the money when it counts. Ward walks away from week 1 with two TDs on just 6 total receptions and 76 yards.
5. Bears Defense - They set the tone early and often in their game against the Colts in week 1. Not only did they get after Peyton Manning with 2 sacks, but they caused a fumble that was returned for a touchdown and recorded a safety against what is supposed to be one of the best offensive teams in the entire NFL. Their 24 points tied with the Cardinals (Shelby, take note) for #2 amongst defenses. They also sealed the victory for Melvin and his trauma unit.
2. Willie Parker - Fast Willie totaled 2 touchdowns in 2007, much to the chagrin of Mr. Walbert. He'd eclipsed that total with 9 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter of his first game of the season in 2008. Right now, he looks like a steal for Jonesy as it's obvious the Steelers are still committed to the run and their o-line is playing with a chip on its collective shoulder after hearing negative press all off-season. Parker got most of the 3rd and 4th quarters off and was still able to amass 32 points.
3. Donovan McNabb - Amazingly enough, Davis didn't take Tom Brady with his first pick, and it seems to have already paid dividends. McNabb sliced and diced the Rams with a depleted receiver corp to the tune of 361 yards and 3 TDs.
4. Hines Ward - The forgotten man in Pittsburgh was claimed to be too old and too slow to keep up with his younger running mate, Santonio Holmes. Well folks, if you didn't already know Ward still has high-level fantasy value. His quarterback doesn't make many mistakes and puts the ball on the money when it counts. Ward walks away from week 1 with two TDs on just 6 total receptions and 76 yards.
5. Bears Defense - They set the tone early and often in their game against the Colts in week 1. Not only did they get after Peyton Manning with 2 sacks, but they caused a fumble that was returned for a touchdown and recorded a safety against what is supposed to be one of the best offensive teams in the entire NFL. Their 24 points tied with the Cardinals (Shelby, take note) for #2 amongst defenses. They also sealed the victory for Melvin and his trauma unit.
2 comments:
Yeah, nobody saw michael turner coming except for The Champ, who was smart enough to draft him in the 4th round.
eat it limpdicks.
I'd imagine even you were surprised at the output, lippy.
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