Week 13 Roundup: Hermies and Yukons

Let's be in-de-pen-dent together!!

As you may have noticed, the blog was not updated today in it's normal timeframe. There's a reason for this. I got transferred to our main office today, which means the days of blogging on somebody else's dime are over. Now I'm stuck in a myriad of cubicles, with dozens of eyes furtively darting to and fro, looking for the first sign of malfeasance, so that the proverbial whip may be cracked. There's a chance I might still be able to sneak in a quick posting during a lunch break, but most of my columns take a little longer to jot down.

This is a mixed bag. The bad news, to you the reader, is that no longer will you be able to check the page multiple times in a day and find a new lead story. The good news, to you the reader, is that now, most of my musings will be written at night, and since it's December, there's a 75% chance that I'm drinking bourbon and listening to Wolfmother (and if the column runs long, like it did tonight, the iTunes playlist spills into WuTang Clan). I like to think most of my decent writing happens when both of those things are happening. Anyway, to fully entertain yourself, I encourage you all to take full advantage of the comments feature and stir the pot a little bit. You can also send me guest posts, as I can cut and paste these when my cube-neighbors go grab a coffee. It will be thrilling for you to see your work on the WWW, and it will be fun for me to pull a guerilla blogging session at the office.

Anyway, you're here (most likely) for football news, and so I'll cut to the chase. There was a full slate of NFL action this week: some good (Browns-Cards); some atrocious (Bears-Jints). Let's peek around the league and see who deserves one of our two titles this week.

HERMIE THE DENTISTS

I watched Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer on CBS tonight, and I couldn't help but notice that Hermie has to be one of the biggest Bajingos in television history. This guy was as close to a butt pirate as you could get away with in 1964. His hair was always perfectly coiffed, he spoke with a distinct lisp (I don't like making toyth!), and he wanted to be a dentist. Probably to see the inside of dudes' throats. Anyway, if our fantasy landscape were Rudolph, the shittiest of the bunch would be represented by Gay Hermie.

1. Wes Welker!!! - I'll be honest, I dozed off at halftime of last night's MNF contest (damn you, Yuengling variety pack!!!). And apparently I missed a doozy. But one thing I didn't miss was actual production from The Great White Hope. Welker was quiet to the tune of 3 catches for 18 yards, only a week after catching seemingly every pass attempted against the Eagles D.

2. Kevin Jones - If you're a running back, and you make it into somebody's starting lineup, and then "produce" only 3 carries for 1 yard, well then, that would make you a giant swollen Bajingo.

3. Packers D/ST - Negative 3 points. Instant Bajingo.

4. Brett Favre - I know, he was hurt. But it's not like he was lighting Dallas up at the time. In fact, he was stinking up the joint to the tune of 5/14, 56 yards and 2 Ints. If there's any consolation for Shelby, it's that the rest of his team played like complete Hobo Ass this weekend too, and he probably wouldn't have made the playoffs even if Favre had tossed 5 touchdowns.

5. Rich Ely - Pardon me for raising my voice at the number 1 seed in our playoff bracket. But HOW IN GOD'S GREEN EARTH HAVE YOU MADE 23 TRANSACTIONS, AND NOT ONE OF THEM INVOLVED CUTTING TERRY GLENN?! You know, you deserved to lose yesterday after starting an injured Larry Fitzgerald. A quick scan of your bench showed Andre Davis, Santana Moss, and Mr. 0 games played, 0 catches, 0 yards, 0 TDs Himself! Why is this man still on a roster, Rich? Why?

YUKON CORNELIUSES

In the same movie as I mentioned above, the choices for most asskicking character are few and far between. The obvious choice to replace "Sasquatches" this week would be The Abominable Snow Monster, who is, well...a Sasquatch. However, something about Abominable just doesn't click in this film. For one, he's entirely too clumsy. Secondly, he's one of those lame villians who has the good guys trapped for hours but just won't kill them. And thirdly, he's a giant shrieking pussy once he gets his teeth taken out. So what if you can't chew!? It will hurt Rudolph even more if you gum him to death. Maybe step on him a few times or whip him against the side of a cave to shatter his bones and he'll go down easier. Stop being a little bitch.

Anyway, the real hero in this movie is Yukon Cornelius, who not only roams the North Pole looking for gold and silver, but does so with a sleigh driven by approximately 4 puppies. These dogs aren't even full grown, and here they are, carrying a grown man, an elf, and a deer across the snow banks. It's awesome. And so is Yukon. And so are our next five names.

1. The Ding-Dong Danglers! - It's unfortunate that this team is Consolation Ladder bound. Delaware was the highest scoring tribe this week, and the way they're playing, could have caused some real trouble for a top seed in the playoffs this week.

2. Willis McGahee - Willis had his best game of the season against the best team ever to play any organized sport ever. That's pretty impressive. McGahee carried 30 times for 138 yards and a score. The touchdown was his 7th in as many games, which is strange considering he didn't have a rushing TD in his first five games.

3. Peyton and Reggie - I swear my Comcast box must have a V-Chip that blocks any highlights from any game involving the Jacksonville Jaguars. I didn't see a single snap of this game, but apparently Peyton Manning and Reggie Wayne both had a monstronomous (new word) game against JVille this weekend, combining for 61 points.

4. LaAdrainian Petomlinerson - My two headed mutant backfield combined to be the most potent duo in the league last week. Adrian's healthy, LT (and the Chargers for that matter) appears to be back in form, and I'm ready for a Champeenship run.

5. AD - No, not All Day Peterson, but Adam Davis. Our league hasn't had a member be the target of so much humor since Shelby's spare skin, but Adam is the one laughing now. Kudos to him for keeping Brady over Manning and making the playoffs. The only negative I can think of is that at next year's draft, everybody's going to go with the two-quarterbacks-in-the-first-two-rounds theory, and I'll be stuck scraping the bottom of the barrel and have to trot out Chris Redman as my Week 1 starter.

Be sure to join us next week for a very special Playoff Edition of Bajingos and Sasquatches! And by "very special", I mean "probably less names on each list since there's fewer teams playing important games in our league"!!!