Join me as we untangle the Rat King that is the Westside VII standings.
The standings are a mess.
The last season I actively tried ranking teams, we had great teams (mine) and horrible teams (Adam's). Ranking teams was as easy as regurgitating the standings page. A couple of clever Google image pictures, a caption, and I was done. Very easy. This year, however, is a mess. It's a rat king. The rat king is a phenomenon in nature, when too many rats populate a small area. The rats are literally on top of each other, swimming in each other's shit. Their tails get tangled, and the rat king begins to take shape. More rats get knotted up with the mess of tails and now you have a heap of rats all moving in unison, functioning as a conjoined group.
This is exactly how I see this year's teams. We have some strong rats and some weak rats, but we've all somehow gotten our tails twisted and we're stuck in a 3-2 and 2-3 rat king. The only way to clear this picture up is to start gnawing away at each other's tails in an effort to escape the pack of mediocrity. Who will emerge? I have the answers.
1. Chode House (3-2)
Look no further than America's newest scumbag lawyer for the best fantasy team in the land. With two top-6 running backs in Brown and Benson, a troika of excellent receivers, and a decent bench, this team appears to be for real. The only concern would be the QB platoon of Brett Favre and Carson Palmer, who would have been a little more intimidating if it was 2004. They're both servicable, but one isn't clearly better than the other, and it's when you have to pick a quarterback with a coin flip that you're destined to make the wrong call once in a while. (Editor's note: this was written Tuesday. Since then, Chode House traded for the #2 QB in the league. This team is even scarier now. Clear favorite.)
2. The Long and Winding Chode (3-2)
The running backs on this team are unbelievably good. Chris Johnson was a guy who was supposed to be sharing carries (especially near the goal line) with LenDale, and Ray Rice is platooning with a guy who already has seven touchdowns. Well guess what, these two are both still top five talents. The wide receiving core is kind of shaky, but there's a bunch of guys here who could go off at any time. Now that Matt Ryan has learned that Roddy White still plays for the Falcons, you've gotta like him as a top QB for the rest of the season. Also, keep an eye on Michael Crabtree, who I'm assuming is only on the roster to include on a deadline-day trade to a receiver starved team.
3. Chodo Baggins (3-2)
The best team owned by a Caucasian in our league is mine. Some question marks are starting to pop up on my roster, but I'm still pretty pleased with my team so far. Mike Turner's back in top-pick mode, Kurt Warner threw for nearly 300 in the first half last week, and Colston and Desean are a formidable 1-2 punch, and at this point I expect top-12 finishes for both of them. I'm worried about my depth, but if Old Man Warner gets banged up, I've got Kyle Neckbeard to turn to for the rest of the season, and he's been the NFL's most surprising story of the year so far.
4. Yellow Brick Chode (2-3)
Really good roster that just needs to live up to some of it's potential. QB is a major strength, and either Eli Manning or Philip Rivers should be dealt at some point, and they won't come cheap. Another spot of strength to trade from would be tight end, as Dallas Clark and Kellen Winslow are #1 and #2 on the young season. Brandon Jacobs and DeAngelo Williams both got hot towards the end of last season and may do it again this year. This looks like a team that could pull of a blockbuster deal without upsetting any of its starting lineup and cause some major problems come playoff time.
5. Dennis Tennis Choding Company (2-3)
Dropped several spots in the rankings due to naming violations, primarily due to the fact that it doesn't rhyme. This is actually the second ranked team in total points, which obviously has a lot to do with the #1 overall pick being on the roster. The rest of the team is strangely uninspiring. Jeremy Maclin and Mike Wallace had a nice fluky week replacing some guys on bye, but can hardly be counted on to produce over a full season. This team did just pick up Antonio Gates for presumably less than market value, so that could potentially pay huge dividends.
6. On The Chode Again (2-3)
Led by Captain Doom and Gloom, all we've heard is how bad this team is. But there's actually a lot here to like. Matt Schaub is streaky but throws to a bunch of good receivers, so he's always a threat for a huge game like Sunday's. MoJo Drew was the right call at #2, and Nate Burleson has an amazing stat line for the season so far. What I'm sayin' here, son, is to turn off the emo records, open the blinds, and just relax. You're going to be fine.
7. 16801 Zip Chodes (3-2)
Maybe I'm being rough on the Zip Chodes, but I have a crazy feeling that once you draft a guy in the first round, you feel compelled to start him even when you know you shouldn't. And I have a crazy feeling that maybe you end up starting this guy too many times even though it starts getting obvious that he's completely washed up and doesn't really fit in his NFL team's game plan anymore even though as recently as two years ago he was singlehandedly winning people fantasy championships. If I'm wrong about this, then feel free to move this team up a couple of spots, but like I said, I just have a crazy feeling.
8. Chodal Recall (2-3)
Two of the top three receivers in a PPR league is usually a recipe for a championship run, but this squad has underachieved so far. Steve Slaton has been less productive than advertised, but Thomas Jones is on his way to another huge touchdown season. Also, you've gotta love having the #4 quarterback in the league as an insurance policy for McNabb and whatever injuries he may pick up along the season. The low point of the season for Chodal Recall so far, is that the "fleecing" for T.O. was, as I said all along, done by Sausage A La Chode.
9. Genetic Chode (3-2)
Peyton Manning might be having one of his best seasons with one of the Colts' worst receiving crews in recent memory. He has thrown for 300 yards every week, and failed to throw multiple touchdowns only once. Looking ahead at the Colts' schedule, they don't really play any lockdown defenses other than Baltimore, so it's not a stretch to think Peyton will finish the season as the #1 player in fantasy. The reason I'm only talking about Peyton here is because the rest of this team is saturated in mediocrity.
10. The Nigerian Chodeling Team (2-3)
Teams 10-12 could probably be picked out of a hat, but you came to this blog for BOLD statements, not wishy-washy ones. I have the NCT ranked 10th for a few reasons, but one of the biggest is Rashard Mendenhall. I blasted the NCT for starting Mendenhall a few weeks ago, labeling it a homer move, but now I'm eating some crow. Mendenhall has been a star the past two weeks and should hold on to a large workload even when Willie Parker returns from his injuries. A lot of people are down on Tom Brady, but he's still a top-10 guy and will push to finish in the top-5. Final note: whatever jerkoff traded Santana Moss away should be kicked in the balls.
11. Sausage a la Chode (3-2)
Sausage a la Chode gets the #11 spot. One of my thoughts behind this pick is that I play them this weekend, and it would be horrible karma to say they're the worst team. That would nearly guarantee a loss. The running backs here are pretty horrible as a group, and let's just calm the eff down about Matt Hasselbeck, please. Four touchdowns, wow. You know this guy has about two or three more sacks before he's holding a retirement press conference, so putting any of your eggs in his basket is ill-advised. Yes, I noticed Tony Romo is also on the roster, but he's been absolutely invisible in games against good teams.
12. Lock n' Chode (2-3)
22, 38, 39, 41. Those are the ranks of the four running backs on the roster. Almost impossible to win that way. Drew Brees got everybody's panties all wet in the beginning of the season but has cooled off in the past two games. Overall, he's still a top-3 fantasy quarterback, but Lock n' Chode's fortunes are tied directly to the arm of Breesus. If I had to compliment this team, it would be the excellent talent at tight end. That's not a great compliment, which is probably why your #12, neighbor. Welcome to the league.
