"One day, these great big heads will be joined by the 2008 Westside Village Fantasy Football Champion."
#1 Hefty (7-2, W2, 119.5 avg, Previously #2) - Ronald Reagan - He's not acting at all. He's dominating bitches. Hefty has the highest average weekly score by nearly 5 points over the next competitor. Reagan garnered 526 electoral votes, the most ever. If no one does anything, Hefty's looking at a second term as League Champion.
#2 Jordan (7-2, W3, 110.1 avg, Previously #3) - Dwight Eisenhower - This one is easy folks. Dwight D and Jordan share a very unique trait and it isn't returning from abroad from a successful war as the leader of the Allied Attack. Nope, they're both free from the burden of hair.
#3 Melvin (7-2, L2, 114.7 avg, Previously #1) - George H.W. Bush - He was on the top of his game for a while and tried to ride the coattails of Reagan for a 2nd term. That little promise of no new taxes kinda back fired and he found himself out of the Oval Office and has attended every sporting event in Texas history since. He especially likes those rascally Astros. To the point, Melvin was just cruising along and has now hit a rough patch. He's in no danger of missing the playoffs, but a high seed could be in danger.
#4 Rich (5-4, W1, 103.9 avg, Previously #5) - James K. Polk - Do you know much about him? No, neither do I.
#5 Craig (4-5, L1, 111.5 avg, Previously #4) - Jimmy Carter - Sandwiched between two Republicans on either side of his Presidency, Carter gave America a taste of the liberalism it thought it needed and then quickly realized it wanted nothing to do with. He's responsible for starting Habitat for Humanity and likes to get involved in foreign politics years after his term ended. He's a nice guy and I'm already struggling with this column.
#6 Shelby (6-3, W1, 96.3 avg, Previously #9) - Teddy Roosevelt - His motto was "walk softly and carry a big stick." Well, Shelby certainly hasn't been scoring much with the 3rd lowest average in the league, but he's winning. He could be a real ball-ache for someone in the playoffs.
#7 Jonesy (4-5, W3, 94.7 avg, Previously #10) - Franklin Roosevelt - When Jonesy took office, things did not look good at all. His team was laughed at post-draft and came out of the gates about as quickly as Paris Hilton doing long division. However, after a few prudent moves like Social Security, FDIC, SEC, and the CCC, Jonesy was riding high and 4-1 over his last five games. Whether or not he can sustain the longest fantasy football tenure in history remains to be seen.
#8 Mike (3-6, L2, 112.1 avg, Previously #6) - JFK - Let's cut to the chase, like John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Mike scores a lot. Unfortunately for Skidmark Mishap, his playoff hopes are about to be assassinated if he doesn't win this week. It's sad to see a promising fellow cut down in his prime. I think though, that it may be a reach to think Mike's exit will galvanize a nation.
#9 Shawn (3-6, L3, 103.5 avg, Previously #7) - Chester A. Arthur - I received good information that Shawn is attempting to grow a beard in the mold of our favorite facial haired leader. Oh, and his team is crap right now.
#10 Dave (3-6, L1, 97 avg, Previously #8) - William J. Clinton - Dave doesn't necessarily make the strongest picks for his team and just like Clinton's picks some floozies for his cabinet. Good thing for Dave is, he's only a Cuban and a pussy away from stepping closer to the playoffs.
#11 Aaron (2-7, W2, 95 avg, Previously #11) - Harry S. Truman - They printed papers the night of the election that showed Truman's opponent Thomas Dewey had beaten his incumbent bid for the Presidency. Truman flipped off the doubters and he retained the White House to later be named one of the top presidents in history. Aaron has faced similar doubters in this league but he's given everyone a big EFF YOU by winning two straight.
#12 Davis (3-6, L3, 95.9 avg, Previously #11) - Herbert Hoover - The Great Depression. The Cellar. The Bottom of the Barrel. Synonyms for sucking ass. Here lies Adam's season.
#2 Jordan (7-2, W3, 110.1 avg, Previously #3) - Dwight Eisenhower - This one is easy folks. Dwight D and Jordan share a very unique trait and it isn't returning from abroad from a successful war as the leader of the Allied Attack. Nope, they're both free from the burden of hair.
#3 Melvin (7-2, L2, 114.7 avg, Previously #1) - George H.W. Bush - He was on the top of his game for a while and tried to ride the coattails of Reagan for a 2nd term. That little promise of no new taxes kinda back fired and he found himself out of the Oval Office and has attended every sporting event in Texas history since. He especially likes those rascally Astros. To the point, Melvin was just cruising along and has now hit a rough patch. He's in no danger of missing the playoffs, but a high seed could be in danger.
#4 Rich (5-4, W1, 103.9 avg, Previously #5) - James K. Polk - Do you know much about him? No, neither do I.
#5 Craig (4-5, L1, 111.5 avg, Previously #4) - Jimmy Carter - Sandwiched between two Republicans on either side of his Presidency, Carter gave America a taste of the liberalism it thought it needed and then quickly realized it wanted nothing to do with. He's responsible for starting Habitat for Humanity and likes to get involved in foreign politics years after his term ended. He's a nice guy and I'm already struggling with this column.
#6 Shelby (6-3, W1, 96.3 avg, Previously #9) - Teddy Roosevelt - His motto was "walk softly and carry a big stick." Well, Shelby certainly hasn't been scoring much with the 3rd lowest average in the league, but he's winning. He could be a real ball-ache for someone in the playoffs.
#7 Jonesy (4-5, W3, 94.7 avg, Previously #10) - Franklin Roosevelt - When Jonesy took office, things did not look good at all. His team was laughed at post-draft and came out of the gates about as quickly as Paris Hilton doing long division. However, after a few prudent moves like Social Security, FDIC, SEC, and the CCC, Jonesy was riding high and 4-1 over his last five games. Whether or not he can sustain the longest fantasy football tenure in history remains to be seen.
#8 Mike (3-6, L2, 112.1 avg, Previously #6) - JFK - Let's cut to the chase, like John Fitzgerald Kennedy, Mike scores a lot. Unfortunately for Skidmark Mishap, his playoff hopes are about to be assassinated if he doesn't win this week. It's sad to see a promising fellow cut down in his prime. I think though, that it may be a reach to think Mike's exit will galvanize a nation.
#9 Shawn (3-6, L3, 103.5 avg, Previously #7) - Chester A. Arthur - I received good information that Shawn is attempting to grow a beard in the mold of our favorite facial haired leader. Oh, and his team is crap right now.
#10 Dave (3-6, L1, 97 avg, Previously #8) - William J. Clinton - Dave doesn't necessarily make the strongest picks for his team and just like Clinton's picks some floozies for his cabinet. Good thing for Dave is, he's only a Cuban and a pussy away from stepping closer to the playoffs.
#11 Aaron (2-7, W2, 95 avg, Previously #11) - Harry S. Truman - They printed papers the night of the election that showed Truman's opponent Thomas Dewey had beaten his incumbent bid for the Presidency. Truman flipped off the doubters and he retained the White House to later be named one of the top presidents in history. Aaron has faced similar doubters in this league but he's given everyone a big EFF YOU by winning two straight.
#12 Davis (3-6, L3, 95.9 avg, Previously #11) - Herbert Hoover - The Great Depression. The Cellar. The Bottom of the Barrel. Synonyms for sucking ass. Here lies Adam's season.
2 comments:
And I'm about to crush the Soviets!! Yay for capitalism!!
I did not have sexual relations with that freshman!
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