RANK THE DRANK: Pumptoberfest Edition

October is time for two things: Pumpkin Beer and Werewolf Bar Mitzvahs

Mr. X and I square off for the Patriots Ridge Land Grant Trophy this week and the hostilities are high. I've been using his mailbox as a Diaper Genie, he's been slashing my tires, you know, good-natured neighbor hate. But rewind just a few short days ago we were getting along so well that we convened for the first ever A Little Slap and Pickle!! RANK THE DRANK drink-off.

What's a RANK THE DRANK? Well, it's everything this blog stands for, quite simply. Poorly thought out power rankings, inebriation, and even a little bit of The Untrained Chef works its way in there. Anyway, this is our first such attempt, and we hope to inform YOU, the reader, where your precious beer money is best spent during this glorious fall season.

We focused on beers that described themselves as Pumpkin flavored, or Octoberfest, because nobody gives a damn about how Bud Light Lime tastes. Let the rankings begin.

Brooklyn Brewing Post Road Pumpkin Ale- (X: 8th, Hefty: 7th)
X SAYS - Started out extremely promising, nice bottle with a bright orange pumpkin on it and some great amber color upon its pour. Unfortunately that is where all of my positive remarks end. The beer can best be described as a cornucopia of funk; with flavors ranging from skunky to absolute shit. I actually question whether or not Brooklyn Brewery took the water directly from the East River to make this crap. The only pumpkin in this ale was the one on the bottle and it was very difficult to make out any of the spices traditionally used in a Pumpkin Ale.
HEFTY SAYS - My hastily scribbled notes say "cheap aftertaste" and "good scent". It gave off a nice aroma when pouring, which got my mouth watering for pumpkinny goodness, but the scent wrote a check the taste couldn't cash. Basically, I think the beer smells better than it tastes, which is a nice way of agreeing with X and saying it sucks.

Victory Festbier – (X: 7th, Hefty: 8th)
X SAYS - Two words…..Bucky Gunts…..this beer is exactly like my fantasy football team. Attractive and smells good at first whiff, but really deep down it blows chunks. There was nothing remotely tasty about this beer which is surprising because of the reputation that Victory has with its beers. If I had to choose between this so-called “Festbier” and a good ole Beast Ice, I’m riding the Beast.
HEFTY SAYS - I'm astonished at how bad this beer was. We could have tried 80 and this would have finished last. It makes no sense though, because I almost always love Victory beers (Hop Devil being right at the top of my list), and I almost think this might have been an old bottle. It stunk. My notes say "putrid nose boquet" which means I think I did a lot more smelling of the beer than I actually did drinking them.

Hacker-Pschorr Octoberfest - (X:6th, Hefty: 6th)
X SAYS - This “Octoberfest” was absolutely nothing special and reminded me of just a random European Beer that you can get at any time during the year. I think Hacker-Pschorr is German for Schlitz. Best part of drinking this one? Hefty began to get that I’m buzzed twinkle in his eye, turned to Ang and said “Bourbon tasting next??” Her response mentioned something about Jon, Bourbon, and a locked bathroom door that had to be broken into?? Me thinks someone needs an intervention??
HEFTY SAYS - Well that's not entirely true. It was an unrelated story about a recent Yuengling binge and well yeah, MAYBE I passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. Again, this was just a beer. It wasn't bad by any stretch but there was nothing to make me want to have it again. Just a forgettable bottle of mediocre beer.

Southampton Public House Pumpkin Ale – (X: 5th, Hefty: 5th)
X SAYS - This beer was incredibly mediocre. It had a very gingery taste to it. In fact, the ginger really overpowered the pumpkin and any thing else that was brewed with it to give the beer flavor. I have nothing else to say here but meh……..
HEFTY SAYS - This is the last of the beers I'd reccomend you not buy under any circumstances. As X said, I popped one of these open and thought I was drinking ginger ale or birch beer or something non-alcoholic. Stay away.

Wolavers Will Stevens Pumpkin Ale – (X: 4th, Hefty: 3rd)
X SAYS - Sources are telling me that this beer is fantastic for breastfeeding mothers because it is ORGANIC (those were the whispers in the Hefty house). That’s right folks ORGANIC beer, how about that?? Actually I was quite surprised with this beer, while Wolavers is very light compared to most of its pumpkin brethren it packs a surprisingly good flavor. I feel like this could be the Coors Light of Pumpkin beers? Or let me spell it out…..If you like to drink out of Penis straws or have breasts, you will love it!!!
HEFTY SAYS - Well if saying I like this beer means I like drinking out of penis straws, just call me a cocksucker. This was very good. There is a certain quality to this beer that is a little thin, but that means you can have more than 1 or 2 without feeling like you just ate an entire pumpkin pie. That's good beeronomics. My wife, as alluded to, ranked this #1 of the four beers she tasted. This one will be making it's way back into my fridge this fall for sure.

Elsyian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale – (X: 3rd, Hefty: 4th)
X SAYS - This beer has excellent drinkability; while the pumpkin flavor is present it is not by any means overpowering. The problem with this beer is that after the initial drink the taste disappears faster than the Westside Village FFB Championship trophy. This beer also comes in a 12 pack of 22 oz bottles that costs $56. So, for the price it should be the greatest thing since the bikini wax. Alas, it is not; so my pre-tasting #1 has sadly fallen to #3 in the power rankings.
HFFTY SAYS - You should have seen the look on his face, he was so disappointed this didn't go over better. On paper, this should have been one of the heavy hitters. It comes in a 22oz. bottle, which always makes me feel like Merry in the Prancing Pony when he finds out they sell beer by the pint (Lord of the Rings joke alert!!). It is wildly expensive though, and not really worth the extra dough.

Weyerbacher Imperial Pumpkin Ale – (X: 2nd, Hefty: 2nd)
X SAYS - Awesome beer, absolutely delicious. This beer tastes like Thanksgiving dinner with flavors ranging from strong pumpkin to nutmeg, allspice, and cinnamon. Flavor wise this is the beer to beat. It is full bodied and incredibly filling; so really 2-3 of these and you are good to go. On a more disgusting note, I wrote on my “comments” sheet that this beer tastes like Grandma??? Not sure what exactly that means but I just threw up in my mouth a little.
HEFTY SAYS - My notes say (and if you couldn't tell from X's grandma comment, we were starting to get a little smashed at this point...) "warms the cockles of my heart". It's so hearty, it really is like having a meal. It's a phenomenal beer and if you were out at a bar and they had it on draft and you wanted to just get one or two beers, this would be the one I recommend. If you were buying a case, I'd go with the next beer on the list, which brings us to our undisputed champion...

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale – (X: 1st, Hefty: 1st)
X SAYS - Hoppy Halloween everyone, elbow to the ribs……this is the first and only of the pumpkin beers that the hops are not completely overpowered by the pumpkin flavor and the spices. While you can taste the hops, the pumpkin and spice flavors add to it to create heaven in a bottle. Although the Weyerbacher has a little better flavor I am ranking this above it because you can drink more of these without getting sick of them. And the price is around $20 cheaper than the Weyerbacher.
HEFTY SAYS - And there you have it. Taste, well-balanced pumpkin to beer ratio, and value. This is the go-to beer you want in your fridge this fall. Perfect to relax with during a NFL Sunday, perfect with a meal, perfect with some pecan pie or apple cobbler. It's the versatility that makes this the champion.

And there you have it, the inaugural RANK THE DRANK column. We've already made plans to do another when the Winter style beers come out. Look out for that one right around the time the fantasy playoff races start heating up. Any fall beers you recommend? We'd love to hear them in the comments section.