Hey Baby, Need A Ride?

Disclaimer: This post is inspired by nothing in particular. It is entirely hypothetical and in no way accuses any persons, real or fictional, of accepting rides home from athletes.

Here's a question. You get a call at 4 AM. It's the girlfriend/wife/fiancee/mistress. She's elated!! What's the big occasion?? She met a nice gentleman at one of Philly's local hotspots! And guess what, he plays for one of your favorite sports teams!! And then, just to put the whipped cream on this sundae of awesome news, the athlete in question drove your lass home from the bar! Wasn't that thoughtful of him?? You know, taking your lady home by himself?? That's sweet, right?????
Right???
Nope, not really. But there are degrees of how super lame this scenario could possibly be. Let's examine some of Philadelphia's athletes, past and present, and figure out how things could have gone more wrong.

Scenario 1: Honey, I just got a ride home from Ugueth Urbina!!
Why it sucks: Well, you know, other than the fact that he could have doused your galpal in gasoline and cut her open like a highschool student dissecting a pig fetus, he's not even that famous. He's moderately good looking, but Hispanics make angry lovers.

Scenario 2: Baby, Shawn Bradley just gave me a ride home!!!
Why it sucks: Well there aren't many cars made so that a 7'-6" human can comfortably drive them. Chances are that Mr. Bradley had a chauffeur drive home, and he and your woman were in the back seat. If you've ever watched Taxi Cab Confessions, you know how the back seat of a vehicle is the ultimate aphrodesiac.


Scenario 3: OMG, sweetiekins, I just got a ride from Lenny Dykstra!!
Why it sucks: Well, he's a former steroid user, so the possibility exists that he felt the need to choke a bitch. Aside from that, this is kind of a blessing in disguise. If your female has Skoal residue anywhere on her person, well, chances are she's a two-timing ho. Ditch her.


Scenario 4: Hey sugarbuns, Dikembe Mutombo drove me home from the bar!
Why it sucks: Well, see the Shawn Bradley scenario, now add the fact that the only English sentence he seems to know is "Who wants to sex Mutombo?", and your sweetheart was probably getting a little Black Snake Moan.


Scenario 5: Lemondrop, I just got a ride from former Phillies catcher, Sal Fasano!
Why it sucks: Yeah, you did just get a ride. A Mustache Ride.


Scenario 6: Hey sexy, I just got a ride home from Andy Reid!
Why it sucks: Actually, you're kind of off the hook here. Reid probably made a Krispy Kreme run before dropping off your girl, so he was likely distracted from any sexual advances. Plus, I've always pictured him as being impotent.


Scenario 7: Darling, Hollis Thomas just took me home!
Why it sucks: Why doesn't it suck? Is there anything about that man's face that says "Trust me with a white chick?" The man most famous for taking down Mike Vick probably has a rape stand or two of his own. Repeat: Keep your womenfolk away from Hollis Thomas.

So there you have it. My take on a totally hypothetical situation that would probably never happen. But if it did, at least you know how to react.