RANK THE DRANK: Pumptoberfest Edition

October is time for two things: Pumpkin Beer and Werewolf Bar Mitzvahs

Mr. X and I square off for the Patriots Ridge Land Grant Trophy this week and the hostilities are high. I've been using his mailbox as a Diaper Genie, he's been slashing my tires, you know, good-natured neighbor hate. But rewind just a few short days ago we were getting along so well that we convened for the first ever A Little Slap and Pickle!! RANK THE DRANK drink-off.

What's a RANK THE DRANK? Well, it's everything this blog stands for, quite simply. Poorly thought out power rankings, inebriation, and even a little bit of The Untrained Chef works its way in there. Anyway, this is our first such attempt, and we hope to inform YOU, the reader, where your precious beer money is best spent during this glorious fall season.

We focused on beers that described themselves as Pumpkin flavored, or Octoberfest, because nobody gives a damn about how Bud Light Lime tastes. Let the rankings begin.

Brooklyn Brewing Post Road Pumpkin Ale- (X: 8th, Hefty: 7th)
X SAYS - Started out extremely promising, nice bottle with a bright orange pumpkin on it and some great amber color upon its pour. Unfortunately that is where all of my positive remarks end. The beer can best be described as a cornucopia of funk; with flavors ranging from skunky to absolute shit. I actually question whether or not Brooklyn Brewery took the water directly from the East River to make this crap. The only pumpkin in this ale was the one on the bottle and it was very difficult to make out any of the spices traditionally used in a Pumpkin Ale.
HEFTY SAYS - My hastily scribbled notes say "cheap aftertaste" and "good scent". It gave off a nice aroma when pouring, which got my mouth watering for pumpkinny goodness, but the scent wrote a check the taste couldn't cash. Basically, I think the beer smells better than it tastes, which is a nice way of agreeing with X and saying it sucks.

Victory Festbier – (X: 7th, Hefty: 8th)
X SAYS - Two words…..Bucky Gunts…..this beer is exactly like my fantasy football team. Attractive and smells good at first whiff, but really deep down it blows chunks. There was nothing remotely tasty about this beer which is surprising because of the reputation that Victory has with its beers. If I had to choose between this so-called “Festbier” and a good ole Beast Ice, I’m riding the Beast.
HEFTY SAYS - I'm astonished at how bad this beer was. We could have tried 80 and this would have finished last. It makes no sense though, because I almost always love Victory beers (Hop Devil being right at the top of my list), and I almost think this might have been an old bottle. It stunk. My notes say "putrid nose boquet" which means I think I did a lot more smelling of the beer than I actually did drinking them.

Hacker-Pschorr Octoberfest - (X:6th, Hefty: 6th)
X SAYS - This “Octoberfest” was absolutely nothing special and reminded me of just a random European Beer that you can get at any time during the year. I think Hacker-Pschorr is German for Schlitz. Best part of drinking this one? Hefty began to get that I’m buzzed twinkle in his eye, turned to Ang and said “Bourbon tasting next??” Her response mentioned something about Jon, Bourbon, and a locked bathroom door that had to be broken into?? Me thinks someone needs an intervention??
HEFTY SAYS - Well that's not entirely true. It was an unrelated story about a recent Yuengling binge and well yeah, MAYBE I passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. Again, this was just a beer. It wasn't bad by any stretch but there was nothing to make me want to have it again. Just a forgettable bottle of mediocre beer.

Southampton Public House Pumpkin Ale – (X: 5th, Hefty: 5th)
X SAYS - This beer was incredibly mediocre. It had a very gingery taste to it. In fact, the ginger really overpowered the pumpkin and any thing else that was brewed with it to give the beer flavor. I have nothing else to say here but meh……..
HEFTY SAYS - This is the last of the beers I'd reccomend you not buy under any circumstances. As X said, I popped one of these open and thought I was drinking ginger ale or birch beer or something non-alcoholic. Stay away.

Wolavers Will Stevens Pumpkin Ale – (X: 4th, Hefty: 3rd)
X SAYS - Sources are telling me that this beer is fantastic for breastfeeding mothers because it is ORGANIC (those were the whispers in the Hefty house). That’s right folks ORGANIC beer, how about that?? Actually I was quite surprised with this beer, while Wolavers is very light compared to most of its pumpkin brethren it packs a surprisingly good flavor. I feel like this could be the Coors Light of Pumpkin beers? Or let me spell it out…..If you like to drink out of Penis straws or have breasts, you will love it!!!
HEFTY SAYS - Well if saying I like this beer means I like drinking out of penis straws, just call me a cocksucker. This was very good. There is a certain quality to this beer that is a little thin, but that means you can have more than 1 or 2 without feeling like you just ate an entire pumpkin pie. That's good beeronomics. My wife, as alluded to, ranked this #1 of the four beers she tasted. This one will be making it's way back into my fridge this fall for sure.

Elsyian Night Owl Pumpkin Ale – (X: 3rd, Hefty: 4th)
X SAYS - This beer has excellent drinkability; while the pumpkin flavor is present it is not by any means overpowering. The problem with this beer is that after the initial drink the taste disappears faster than the Westside Village FFB Championship trophy. This beer also comes in a 12 pack of 22 oz bottles that costs $56. So, for the price it should be the greatest thing since the bikini wax. Alas, it is not; so my pre-tasting #1 has sadly fallen to #3 in the power rankings.
HFFTY SAYS - You should have seen the look on his face, he was so disappointed this didn't go over better. On paper, this should have been one of the heavy hitters. It comes in a 22oz. bottle, which always makes me feel like Merry in the Prancing Pony when he finds out they sell beer by the pint (Lord of the Rings joke alert!!). It is wildly expensive though, and not really worth the extra dough.

Weyerbacher Imperial Pumpkin Ale – (X: 2nd, Hefty: 2nd)
X SAYS - Awesome beer, absolutely delicious. This beer tastes like Thanksgiving dinner with flavors ranging from strong pumpkin to nutmeg, allspice, and cinnamon. Flavor wise this is the beer to beat. It is full bodied and incredibly filling; so really 2-3 of these and you are good to go. On a more disgusting note, I wrote on my “comments” sheet that this beer tastes like Grandma??? Not sure what exactly that means but I just threw up in my mouth a little.
HEFTY SAYS - My notes say (and if you couldn't tell from X's grandma comment, we were starting to get a little smashed at this point...) "warms the cockles of my heart". It's so hearty, it really is like having a meal. It's a phenomenal beer and if you were out at a bar and they had it on draft and you wanted to just get one or two beers, this would be the one I recommend. If you were buying a case, I'd go with the next beer on the list, which brings us to our undisputed champion...

Dogfish Head Punkin Ale – (X: 1st, Hefty: 1st)
X SAYS - Hoppy Halloween everyone, elbow to the ribs……this is the first and only of the pumpkin beers that the hops are not completely overpowered by the pumpkin flavor and the spices. While you can taste the hops, the pumpkin and spice flavors add to it to create heaven in a bottle. Although the Weyerbacher has a little better flavor I am ranking this above it because you can drink more of these without getting sick of them. And the price is around $20 cheaper than the Weyerbacher.
HEFTY SAYS - And there you have it. Taste, well-balanced pumpkin to beer ratio, and value. This is the go-to beer you want in your fridge this fall. Perfect to relax with during a NFL Sunday, perfect with a meal, perfect with some pecan pie or apple cobbler. It's the versatility that makes this the champion.

And there you have it, the inaugural RANK THE DRANK column. We've already made plans to do another when the Winter style beers come out. Look out for that one right around the time the fantasy playoff races start heating up. Any fall beers you recommend? We'd love to hear them in the comments section.

Draft Grades - 2010

By Jon "Affinity for Bears" Hefty

Chicago Bear Jews

QB - Brees, Cutler: A. I'll start by getting the story of the trade out of the way. I didn't do my homework this year and had my eyes on seven players. CJ, AP, MJD, Rice, Brees, Rodgers, and Andre Johnson. At 9, I didn't think I'd get any of them, so I moved up two spots to assure myself I could make a lazy pick of whoever was left. When my spot came, all three of Brees, Rodgers and Johnson were on the board, which means...my trade was stupid. I could have sat at 9 and got one of the guys I wanted. Not the start to the season I was looking to have. But regardless, the preseason #1 QB is a nice consolation prize for a bad trade.

RB - McCoy, Moreno, Thomas Jones, Maroney, Leon Washington: D+. Eagles running backs catch an assload of swing passes, which should pad Shady's numbers somewhat, but I don't think anybody thinks he's the next coming of Brian Westbrook. I've read conflicting reports on Knowshon's hammy, and I'm already prepping myself for a full season of waiting until 5 minutes before kickoff to find out he's not playing. Hate that pick already. Thomas Jones is just one of those guys I think could steal some goal line carries and end up being a borderline starter. Absolutely nothing special about this group.

WR - Brandon Marshall, TJ Housh, Berrian, Santonio, Burleson, Edelman: C-. Maybe I'm being generous. I like Marshall's ability to rack up 21 catches in a game. He's also a well documented shithead who could be suspended at a moment's notice and send my season down in flames. He's almost the poster child for high risk, high reward. TJ Housh would be better suited as a WR3 or bench player but trading away a 5th round pick had to rear its ugly head somewhere. I think I stole Bernard Berrian, who is by far the safest of the options in Minnesota. Favre's throwing to somebody up there. I'm betting it's Berrian. Santonio will be a nice boost when he gets off of his suspension and probably cracks my starting lineup on a regular basis.

TE - Jermichael Finley: B. I just wanted some piece of the Packer's aerial assault. I plan on starting him Week 1 where he'll easily rack up 4 touchdowns against the Eagles, who can't cover even the worst tight ends in the league, and then selling high on him for a running back.

Oh and I'm not grading kickers or defense. It's a crap shoot, and as you guys know, I'm no fan of shooting craps.

OVERALL DRAFT GRADE: C. Brees and Marshall have enough ginormous weeks to keep me competitive, and my supporting cast has enough bad weeks to keep me mediocre.


The Swinging Richards

QB - Kevin Kolb and....uh, just Kolb? Gotta be a typo. C-. Listen, I want Kevin Kolb to be a superstar for years to come. I'm one of the biggest Kolb Gobblers I know. But taking all your fantasy eggs, and putting them in Kevin's basket, in his first season as starter? Dicey. A backup would have been nice in case he, you know, is terrible.

RB - Chris Johnson, Jerome Harrison, Donald Brown, Sproles, Javon Ringer: B. Ok, after closer review, that is a pretty unappealing supporting cast for CJ2K. I actually think Sproles will contribute more than most people would expect, but there's some low end talent in this bunch.

WR - Miles Austin, Jennings, Welker, Hester, Gaffney, Massaquoi, McCluster: A. Good Lord that's a phenomenal crop of receivers. Welker is the WR3 and will catch 100+ balls if he's healthy. Jennings is good enough to be a WR1 on most fantasy squads and I say he outperforms Austin this year. The four guys on the bench all have enough potential to be breakout stars. Not a bad banana in the bunch.

TE - Dallas Clark: A. Arguably the top tight end in the league who performs like a wide receiver.

OVERALL DRAFT GRADE: B+. This team would look a lot worse with say, Steven Jackson on the roster instead of Chris Johnson, but I can't penalize you for having the #1 pick. If Johnson is 3/4ths what he was last year, and the receivers perform within the realm of expectations, this team sleepwalks into the playoffs.


Dick's Pickle Hut

QB - Peyton, Garrard: A-. Peyton may have slipped a gear from when he was perennially the only QB worth taking in the first round, but he still didn't have a game under 15 fantasy points last season. He also never ever ever ever ever gets hurt, which is in no way me trying to jinx his femur into snapping. The only downside to picking Peyton is if you're counting on him for the fantasy championship, he's playing a quarter and resting while Curtis Painter tries not to look too incompetent.

RB - MoJo, Ronnie Brown, Arian Foster, McFadden, Toby Gerhart: B+. Very interesting news out of Jacksonville, as Jones-Drew is fighting a knee injury and the team is being very clandestine about the severity. The days of seeing Ronnie Brown score eight touchdowns out of the wildcat are probably over, as every team in the NFL has seen that enough to keep it in check somewhat. Arian Foster is the preseason darling of the league and would definitely be a capable fill-in if Jones-Drew's knee is a major problem. Darren McFadden is the suckiest suck who's ever sucked and I hope he gets intestinal parasites.

WR - Calvin, Percy, Dez Bryant, Kenny Britt, Laurent Robinson: B-. Percy and Dez both have some preseason injury concerns but should be good to go by the start of the season. Percy will be battling my homie Bernard Berrian for the majority of targets in Minnesota and is a better all-around receiver who will probably be used to move the sticks with Bernard running fly patterns every play. Kenny Britt has had an awful camp and I cut him from my keeper league when he would have cost me $2 against my $500 salary cap. That's how much faith I have in him.

TE - Kellen Winslow, Rob Gronkowski: C. If we changed our scoring system to reward points for assholish buffoonery, I'd be a lot more excited about this duo. Winslow actually looked good in Tampa last season but I don't know if he can actually improve on his numbers in that stagnant offense. I only know Gronkowski from the little bit I saw of him at the NFL draft, but I'm pretty sure I'd rather spend the day with Ahmadinejad than Gronkowski. The fact that Patriots fans LOVE this guy does not help his case. Jonesy would have taken him in the fifth round.

OVERALL DRAFT GRADE: B. Three options at running back is an excellent luxury and with no dire needs at any other position, Mike's in good shape.


Asian Invasion

QB - Flacco, Campbell: C-. I don't like this at all. Flacco is a perfectly adequate NFL quarterback, but he's not a sure thing in fantasy yet by any means. General opinion on Flacco is much higher than I would agree with, and I guess that has a lot to do with new addition Anquan Boldin. I'm not believing it until I see it though.

RB - Mike Turner, DeAngelo, Ahmad Bradshaw, Fred Jackson, Snelling: B-. As a 12 time Turner owner, I must say I'm actually relieved he's on somebody else's team for a year. He's talented as hell but he's brittle. At least you did the smart thing by handcuffing Snelling. My prediction: you won't need him until the week after you drop him because you think you don't need him anymore. DeAngelo Williams is the starter in name, but everybody knows the deal in Carolina. I like the backups here at least.

WR - Carolina Smith, Garcon, Santana, Aromashodu, Jacoby Jones: D-. GAH! Fact: I spent 134 man hours trying to dupe somebody into taking Santana Moss off my hands last year before Aaron obliged. Carolina Smith is the bad Smith now. Garcon means boy. I can't comment on Aromashodu but it sounds like if he's good we could get Kal Penn to play him in a movie.

TE - Cooley, Greg Olsen: B+. I think both these guys will have good years. McNabb loves working in tight ends at the goal line, just ask Mike Bartrum.

OVERALL DRAFT GRADE: C-. This team's about as frightening as a Hello Kitty backpack.


MIN-UTE BALL

Team Name: D. I get the tradition of naming teams after dead celebrities. It's funny in a Shawn kind of way. But I don't understand the pun-ification of Manute Bol. Minute? Like small? Why is it hyphenated? What does Muggsy Bogues really have to do with anything? Puzzling.

QB - Eli, McNabb: C+. Eli's better than people give him credit for, and he's got a solid young WR crew, so I guess he's a fine low end starter. I wouldn't want him, but he'll do. McNabb as a backup is probably a steal but as a jaded Eagles fan, I can't fluff the guy too much. He's a Redskin now and he's dead to me.

RB - Jonathan Stewart, Jamaal Charles, Sticky Ricky, LaDainian, Bernard Scott: C+. CONFESSION TIME: I had heard sportscasters and bloggers call Jonathan Stewart "The Daily Show". While I thought this was a cool nickname, I didn't really get it. It wasn't until just now when I typed it out that I realized that Jonathan Stewart could also be shortened to Jon Stewart, aka, the host of the Daily Show. Keep in mind my birth name is Jonathon and I go by Jon. I couldn't put this together for some reason. I'll blame the subtle long term effects of alcohol on this one. I digress though, this group doesn't thrill me, but I could live with it if it were my team. I don't like a platoon guy at RB1, even if he's the best platoon guy in the league. Jamaal Charles is oozing with talent but i keep hearing his coaches want to work in Thomas Jones. Something doesn't add up. I think he could be a little too overhyped for fantasy this year. LaDainian was a good pick late.

WR - R. Moss, R. Wayne, Hakeem Nicks, Louis Murphy, Greg Camarillo: A-. Can't do any better than Moss/Wayne as a 1-2 punch. The #1 receivers for Brady and Manning are going to put up numbers consistently every year. Not a bad strategy to grab both of them. The 3/4/5 guys here don't do a whole lot for me, some sleeper potential with Murphy I guess, but the talent at the top of this group makes them elite.

TE - Vernon Davis: A. Arguably one of the best. He's a strange guy off the field though. Rubs his coach the wrong way, rubs Crabtree the wrong way...seems like he could be a disaster but the talent is definitely there.

OVERALL DRAFT GRADE: B-. I expect more from Shawn. He's one of the few guys who drafts a juggernaut team every year and I just don't see it on this roster.


Abe's Balls

QB - Romo, BEN, Alex Smith: B+. The sweet justice of somebody taking a pretty boy golfer and a two time alleged rapist at quarterback is that neither of them will be able to play Week 4 and Davis had to burn another pick on Alex Smith. Honestly though, Romo's solid for fantasy purposes, and once Ben comes back, people will probably wish they had taken a chance on him.

RB - S-Jax, Ryan Matthews, Jacobs, Westbrook: D+. The fate of Steven Jackson will largely be determined by whether or not Sam Bradford is ready to play well enough to at least keep defenses honest. He's probably in for another monster yardage year with touchdowns very hard to come by. I don't know what to make of Matthews but I've got to think Sproles plays a bigger role then he did when the Chargers had LT in the backfield. I think people are expecting too much here. Jacobs is a decent guy to plug in during bye weeks and hope he falls over the goal line but not much more. Westbrook is DONE. Too thin, too many question marks here for my liking.

WR - Boldin, Bowe, TO, Devery, Roy Williams: B-. I am not a Dwayne Bowe fan. He'll put up better numbers than last year when he took steroids and got himself suspended, but he's on a lousy offense and I don't honestly think he's that good. Fact: Devery Henderson has never caught more than two passes in the same game. Roy Williams is a warm corpse who can't beat out a rookie with a broken ankle for a starting job.

TE - Brent Celek: A-. And that's a legitimate A-, not a homer A-. Kolb will find him a lot in the red zone.

OVERALL DRAFT GRADE: C+. If I'm wrong on Matthews, the whole landscape of the team changes and Adam gets himself a playoff spot. But I'm never wrong.


Bucky Gunts

LOGO: A++++++. I've never been more proud of Google Image.

QB - Aaron Rodgers, Sanchez: A. The fact that Rodgers was there at #11 and I could have stayed put at #9 and got him makes me want to burn down a mosque. More than I usually want to burn down mosques, anyway. My entire season will literally play out as Brees vs. Rodgers. If Brees outperforms Rodgers by a healthy bit, I'll be able to sleep at night. If not, I'm the worst GM since Matt Millen. But anyway, this is about Mr. X, not me. Good pick, X.

RB - Benson, Forte, Forsett, Hightower, McGahee: C+. Let's go backwards here. Hightower and McGahee are touchdown vultures, which are key to have for the bye weeks. Forsett was deemed the starter this weekend, but the fact that it took so long means Pete Carroll probably isn't too convinced that he's the workhorse. Forte was a whipping boy among fantasy circles last year but the fact is he finished #15 in our scoring system so he wasn't as terrible as people think. Benson is a man with one eye in the land of the blind, which is my way of saying I don't trust him. Just a mixed bag here. I like the backups a little more than the starters. C+ feels right.

WR - Smith NYG, Driver, Breaston, Collie, Josh Morgan, Chambers: D+. OK, I like Steve Smith NYG way more than I like Steve Smith CAR. So that's good, but he's no #1. Driver on the other hand, is a good #2, even though most people wouldn't agree with me. He's a consistent player in an offense that won't have any trouble scoring. There is a considerable drop off on the talent here after that.

TE - Gonzalez: B. He's got to start declining eventually, right???

OVERALL DRAFT GRADE: C. Because I just gave Davis a C+ and I'd rather have his roster.


Philly Phannyaddicts

QB - Schaub, Cassel: B+. I like Schaub, probably not as much as everybody else does. Houston's passing game is just Andre Johnson, right? Shouldn't that be easy to contain somewhat? I'm no Dick LeBeau, but I'd triple cover Andre and let the ground game try to beat me. Matt Cassel blows and I'd rather have about five of the guys on the waiver wire as a backup over him.

RB - Grant, Mendenhall, Portis, Slaton, Chester Copperpot, C-Buck: A. I'll tell you what, if somebody told me I could pick 12th and end up with that RB crew, I'd do it in a heartbeat. There's 6 guys here which is excessive, but they all have some value. I love the starters especially, but I can see Portis being a decent play depending on the matchups. Does anybody know if his quarterback likes throwing to running backs?

WR - Crabtree, Ward, Maclin, Meachem, Mike Williams (TB): C+. I enjoyed having Mike Crabtree last year and think he's a top-10 guy in the making. Not this year though. Hines is a consistent guy, very Donald Driverish. Maclin is a nice gamble for a WR3. I have a feeling that he's going to get hurt a lot during his career, but when he's healthy he's the genuine article. Meachem is a Saint and you might say I'm bullish on their passing game.

TE - Zach Miller: D. If the Eagles linebackers knew they were allowed to tackle, he'd have barely broken 100 points last year, meaning an average of about 6 ppg. That's some fuzzy math to be sure, but it just shows that one fifth of the guy's points came on a fluky play that made me spend the rest of the evening drinking deck stain. Maybe he does ok with a real quarterback in charge. Can't hurt.

OVERALL DRAFT GRADE: B+. A fierce squad from Deewaan. Maybe his best effort in years. I just hope I get to play him when he's on his honeymoon.