A Thinly Veiled Attempt To Get You To Vote For Whitey

Obama makes one last campaign stop before the big day!

"Hello my fellow Americans. Tomorrow is truly a historical day for our nation. And just know that none of this CHANGE could have happened without you. And I'm proud to be adressing you on a truly wonderful piece of internet literature, A Little Slap And Pickle!! And I'd like to talk about a topic we all love, NFL football! What a tremendous game. I remember being a fan of Sweetness and Refrigerator Perry watching the Chicago Bears back in the mid-eighties. But the game is CHANGING and evolving constantly. And honestly, I'm concerned about a disturbing trend in the NFL landscape. And I want you to know that as your next president, I'll do everything I can to make the necessary CHANGES to correct this problem.

Of course, I'm talking about the greed and injustices that have run rampant through the NFL landscape. A quick glance at the standings clearly proves my point. Here you have teams like the Tennessee Titans and New York Giants, who are unfairly hogging all the wins. And on the other hand, poor, impoverished teams like the Detroit Lions and Cincinatti Bengals, just can't buy a break. They've got but one meager win between them. And under my presidency, we'd correct this social injustice.

You see, I think when you spread the wins around, it's a good thing.

Under my plan, the Titans and Giants would each be taxed heavily, and those wins would be redistributed amongst the teams who are hurting and suffering and just haven't had a fair shake. Take the Bengals...do they almost always make the wrong personnel decisions, have an overrated coach, multiple felons on the roster, and let cancers get an absurd amount of the spotlight? No, no they don't. They've just been unfairly treated by the NFL, and we can make sure we can correct this.

And while all this is happening, teams like the Titans are experiencing a windfall of wins, which certainly has nothing to do with the fact that they've worked hard, developed an excellent running game, a tremendous defense, a head coach who doesn't take crap from his prima donna players, and a sound business model which promotes sucess. No, the Titans and Giants are the wealthiest 5% of teams when it comes to wins and it's time we took what they have and gave it to the teams who need it more.

You see, for teams like the Titans and Giants, giving up three or four wins is nothing. It's chump change.

So we take the wins from the Titans and Giants and we give them to the Lions and Bengals and now you've got all the teams sitting at 4-4, which is really what we need to see more of in the NFL, even though most people with half a brain would agree that the shitty teams didn't earn anything, and the good teams shouldn't be penalized for working hard.

And, that, my fellow Americans, is my new plan for the NFL in a nutshell. If this makes any sense to you, then you're even more hypnotized by my suave black persona than I had anticipated. Thank you and good night."