After another 0-3 week, my bookie left this picture under my windshield wiper with PAY UP scrawled in chicken blood.Week 5 lines are out. But honestly, I'm TERRIBLE at this. I need a diversion from my atrocious picks. What could possibly be worse than my gambling picks, and yet still be relevant to a fantasy football blog? Hmmm...it's got to be terrible...and yet fantasy football related...
Hey did anybody know The League's season premiere was tonight?? That'll do nicely!!!
I DVR'd tonight's episode, and I'll be watching in chunks, and writing my gut reactions as I deem appropriate. Maybe Craig's right and I just haven't given this show a chance yet. Joining me for this very special featurette are two of my best friends: a glass of bourbon (neat), and a baby monitor with gently cooing whale noises. Let us begin!!
PREQUEL: God. Dammit. Craig. You told me that Shiva Bowl Shuffle video was a "dream sequence." No. It wasn't. That was apparently real, as the cold open of the show featured a guy making an awful Youtube video with two guys he owned on his fantasy team, and Brent Grimes, a defensive player NOBODY would own in fantasy, but I'm guessing if I looked real closely, would have the same agent as MJD and Sidney Rice. This is almost enough to make me stop right here. Powering through. Good of the blog. My three readers need me.
Gambling Pick 1: Arizona (+3, -130) over MINNESOTA - I like Kolb in the "Disgruntled Eagles QB Bowl". I really wish I could watch this game and try to comprehend that the Eagles were somehow a better team when these two guys were in charge of the offense.
ACT 1:
-There's a pied-piper character. That's actually kind of funny.
-WHOA HEY WATCH OUT GUYS we just got a Skinflute joke!! Holy shit, Matthew Berry was right, this show is RAW. Put the kids to BED!
-The league champion bought himself a championship ring that I'm sure was covered by his extravagant winnings. I came in 2nd in fantasy baseball and I'm thinking MAYBE I can afford to buy a upscale case of beer when the check comes in.
-There's a Middle Eastern soap opera cut scene that doesn't feel forced at all. It's good to know that other fantasy leagues make fun of Arabs too.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette is trying to train a dog! But she's got a dumb husband! Let's see if the dog training techniques will work on the dumb husband! Whooops, yeah, they do!! Guys are dumb animals!!!! Is this a Tampax ad???
Gambling Pick 2: Packers (-6, -115) over FALCONS - This line seems about 7 points too low. The Falcons beat the Eagles and squeaked by the Seahawks. The Packers are 4-0 and are the world champs. No brainer. In fact, this is my lock of the year. In an effort to dig out of my hole, I'm TRIPLING down on this game. 150 fake bucks on this one.
ACT 2:
-They're picking draft order! Nice, this was probably the most fun part of our league this year!
-Wait a minute. There's five people here. Is this a league where you start 4 quarterbacks?
-Jimmy Rollins turns a double play, setting the first two draft picks. Phils up in the bottom of the first. No, I'm kidding, they're picking from a cobra box. I liken this show to a bin, laden with Muslim humor.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette looks a little old. Ok, now she's Definitely Exactly My Type Brunette.
-Commercial already? That was one scene!
ACT 3:
-A LOUD DRUNKEN ARAB IN THE LEAGUE!! HA!! Where's the token Asian kid?
-Seth Rogen in the house! Guy who wipes down the loads!! They're shooting a porno now, BTW.
-OK, Seth is actually making the dialogue really family unfriendly.
-Whoa!! SHAMALYAN PLOT TWIST: Seth Rogen will NOT wipe down the loads!!! The driving plot point for the last ten minutes of this show is going to be who cleans up semen.
-Jesus, now I know why Craig gets all puffed up when he goes 2-1. The returning league champion in this show won't shut the fuck up about it for ten seconds. I've seen Mr. X like 150 times since he won our league last year. You know how many times he's mentioned it to me? Maybe 5. In a year. This guy just knocked out five between commercial breaks.
Gambling Pick 3: PANTHERS (+7, -115) over Saints - Panthers are 1-1 at home, the only loss a very respectable 7 point loss to the Packers. I'll say the familiarity between divisional opponents helps keep this one close, even though I just read a column two weeks ago how there's absolutely no truth to that theory.
FINAL(PleaseGod?) ACT:
-I'm actually lost on the plot here. Draft, porn, champ's having a ROSE CEREMONY (now who's gay for watching the Bachelor?), pied piper's friends all hate him.
-Oh! Got it now! Guys are locked out on the roof. Autodraft is about to happen but there's a porn shoot downstairs. There are four people up here and they all have cell phones so this should be pretty easy to fix. Just call somebody, and tell him to pause the draft. Right?
-Not right! There's a chick getting nailed on top of a keyboard. Her rhythmic gyrations are making the picks for everybody!!!
-The autodraft picks are scrolling by on the monitor. Honestly there weren't terrible for the most part, but then Robbie Gould's name came up. This was probably the hardest I've laughed all show.
-A guy just fisted a chick while wearing the championship ring. Typing that hurt me harder than it hurt the girl I'm sure.
-ROLL CREDITS.
And that, lovers, was the last time I ever watched The League.
WEEK 4: 0-3, Bet $150, Claimed $0
SEASON: 2-8-2, Bet $600, Claimed $287.12 DOWN $312.88
Hey did anybody know The League's season premiere was tonight?? That'll do nicely!!!
I DVR'd tonight's episode, and I'll be watching in chunks, and writing my gut reactions as I deem appropriate. Maybe Craig's right and I just haven't given this show a chance yet. Joining me for this very special featurette are two of my best friends: a glass of bourbon (neat), and a baby monitor with gently cooing whale noises. Let us begin!!
PREQUEL: God. Dammit. Craig. You told me that Shiva Bowl Shuffle video was a "dream sequence." No. It wasn't. That was apparently real, as the cold open of the show featured a guy making an awful Youtube video with two guys he owned on his fantasy team, and Brent Grimes, a defensive player NOBODY would own in fantasy, but I'm guessing if I looked real closely, would have the same agent as MJD and Sidney Rice. This is almost enough to make me stop right here. Powering through. Good of the blog. My three readers need me.
Gambling Pick 1: Arizona (+3, -130) over MINNESOTA - I like Kolb in the "Disgruntled Eagles QB Bowl". I really wish I could watch this game and try to comprehend that the Eagles were somehow a better team when these two guys were in charge of the offense.
ACT 1:
-There's a pied-piper character. That's actually kind of funny.
-WHOA HEY WATCH OUT GUYS we just got a Skinflute joke!! Holy shit, Matthew Berry was right, this show is RAW. Put the kids to BED!
-The league champion bought himself a championship ring that I'm sure was covered by his extravagant winnings. I came in 2nd in fantasy baseball and I'm thinking MAYBE I can afford to buy a upscale case of beer when the check comes in.
-There's a Middle Eastern soap opera cut scene that doesn't feel forced at all. It's good to know that other fantasy leagues make fun of Arabs too.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette is trying to train a dog! But she's got a dumb husband! Let's see if the dog training techniques will work on the dumb husband! Whooops, yeah, they do!! Guys are dumb animals!!!! Is this a Tampax ad???
Gambling Pick 2: Packers (-6, -115) over FALCONS - This line seems about 7 points too low. The Falcons beat the Eagles and squeaked by the Seahawks. The Packers are 4-0 and are the world champs. No brainer. In fact, this is my lock of the year. In an effort to dig out of my hole, I'm TRIPLING down on this game. 150 fake bucks on this one.
ACT 2:
-They're picking draft order! Nice, this was probably the most fun part of our league this year!
-Wait a minute. There's five people here. Is this a league where you start 4 quarterbacks?
-Jimmy Rollins turns a double play, setting the first two draft picks. Phils up in the bottom of the first. No, I'm kidding, they're picking from a cobra box. I liken this show to a bin, laden with Muslim humor.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette looks a little old. Ok, now she's Definitely Exactly My Type Brunette.
-Commercial already? That was one scene!
ACT 3:
-A LOUD DRUNKEN ARAB IN THE LEAGUE!! HA!! Where's the token Asian kid?
-Seth Rogen in the house! Guy who wipes down the loads!! They're shooting a porno now, BTW.
-OK, Seth is actually making the dialogue really family unfriendly.
-Whoa!! SHAMALYAN PLOT TWIST: Seth Rogen will NOT wipe down the loads!!! The driving plot point for the last ten minutes of this show is going to be who cleans up semen.
-Jesus, now I know why Craig gets all puffed up when he goes 2-1. The returning league champion in this show won't shut the fuck up about it for ten seconds. I've seen Mr. X like 150 times since he won our league last year. You know how many times he's mentioned it to me? Maybe 5. In a year. This guy just knocked out five between commercial breaks.
Gambling Pick 3: PANTHERS (+7, -115) over Saints - Panthers are 1-1 at home, the only loss a very respectable 7 point loss to the Packers. I'll say the familiarity between divisional opponents helps keep this one close, even though I just read a column two weeks ago how there's absolutely no truth to that theory.
FINAL(PleaseGod?) ACT:
-I'm actually lost on the plot here. Draft, porn, champ's having a ROSE CEREMONY (now who's gay for watching the Bachelor?), pied piper's friends all hate him.
-Oh! Got it now! Guys are locked out on the roof. Autodraft is about to happen but there's a porn shoot downstairs. There are four people up here and they all have cell phones so this should be pretty easy to fix. Just call somebody, and tell him to pause the draft. Right?
-Not right! There's a chick getting nailed on top of a keyboard. Her rhythmic gyrations are making the picks for everybody!!!
-The autodraft picks are scrolling by on the monitor. Honestly there weren't terrible for the most part, but then Robbie Gould's name came up. This was probably the hardest I've laughed all show.
-A guy just fisted a chick while wearing the championship ring. Typing that hurt me harder than it hurt the girl I'm sure.
-ROLL CREDITS.
And that, lovers, was the last time I ever watched The League.
WEEK 4: 0-3, Bet $150, Claimed $0
SEASON: 2-8-2, Bet $600, Claimed $287.12 DOWN $312.88
3 comments:
A pretty mediocre start, i have to agree. Thought the fisting was pretty awesome.
Nice zona pick, probably a bit critical of the show
Fred Jackson
Thanks, anonymous dickhole!
I notice you didn't comment on my Green Bay lock of the year TRIPLE DOWN SPECIAL.
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