Sunday, October 16, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Week 5 Picks, SHIVA STYLE
After another 0-3 week, my bookie left this picture under my windshield wiper with PAY UP scrawled in chicken blood.Week 5 lines are out. But honestly, I'm TERRIBLE at this. I need a diversion from my atrocious picks. What could possibly be worse than my gambling picks, and yet still be relevant to a fantasy football blog? Hmmm...it's got to be terrible...and yet fantasy football related...
Hey did anybody know The League's season premiere was tonight?? That'll do nicely!!!
I DVR'd tonight's episode, and I'll be watching in chunks, and writing my gut reactions as I deem appropriate. Maybe Craig's right and I just haven't given this show a chance yet. Joining me for this very special featurette are two of my best friends: a glass of bourbon (neat), and a baby monitor with gently cooing whale noises. Let us begin!!
PREQUEL: God. Dammit. Craig. You told me that Shiva Bowl Shuffle video was a "dream sequence." No. It wasn't. That was apparently real, as the cold open of the show featured a guy making an awful Youtube video with two guys he owned on his fantasy team, and Brent Grimes, a defensive player NOBODY would own in fantasy, but I'm guessing if I looked real closely, would have the same agent as MJD and Sidney Rice. This is almost enough to make me stop right here. Powering through. Good of the blog. My three readers need me.
Gambling Pick 1: Arizona (+3, -130) over MINNESOTA - I like Kolb in the "Disgruntled Eagles QB Bowl". I really wish I could watch this game and try to comprehend that the Eagles were somehow a better team when these two guys were in charge of the offense.
ACT 1:
-There's a pied-piper character. That's actually kind of funny.
-WHOA HEY WATCH OUT GUYS we just got a Skinflute joke!! Holy shit, Matthew Berry was right, this show is RAW. Put the kids to BED!
-The league champion bought himself a championship ring that I'm sure was covered by his extravagant winnings. I came in 2nd in fantasy baseball and I'm thinking MAYBE I can afford to buy a upscale case of beer when the check comes in.
-There's a Middle Eastern soap opera cut scene that doesn't feel forced at all. It's good to know that other fantasy leagues make fun of Arabs too.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette is trying to train a dog! But she's got a dumb husband! Let's see if the dog training techniques will work on the dumb husband! Whooops, yeah, they do!! Guys are dumb animals!!!! Is this a Tampax ad???
Gambling Pick 2: Packers (-6, -115) over FALCONS - This line seems about 7 points too low. The Falcons beat the Eagles and squeaked by the Seahawks. The Packers are 4-0 and are the world champs. No brainer. In fact, this is my lock of the year. In an effort to dig out of my hole, I'm TRIPLING down on this game. 150 fake bucks on this one.
ACT 2:
-They're picking draft order! Nice, this was probably the most fun part of our league this year!
-Wait a minute. There's five people here. Is this a league where you start 4 quarterbacks?
-Jimmy Rollins turns a double play, setting the first two draft picks. Phils up in the bottom of the first. No, I'm kidding, they're picking from a cobra box. I liken this show to a bin, laden with Muslim humor.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette looks a little old. Ok, now she's Definitely Exactly My Type Brunette.
-Commercial already? That was one scene!
ACT 3:
-A LOUD DRUNKEN ARAB IN THE LEAGUE!! HA!! Where's the token Asian kid?
-Seth Rogen in the house! Guy who wipes down the loads!! They're shooting a porno now, BTW.
-OK, Seth is actually making the dialogue really family unfriendly.
-Whoa!! SHAMALYAN PLOT TWIST: Seth Rogen will NOT wipe down the loads!!! The driving plot point for the last ten minutes of this show is going to be who cleans up semen.
-Jesus, now I know why Craig gets all puffed up when he goes 2-1. The returning league champion in this show won't shut the fuck up about it for ten seconds. I've seen Mr. X like 150 times since he won our league last year. You know how many times he's mentioned it to me? Maybe 5. In a year. This guy just knocked out five between commercial breaks.
Gambling Pick 3: PANTHERS (+7, -115) over Saints - Panthers are 1-1 at home, the only loss a very respectable 7 point loss to the Packers. I'll say the familiarity between divisional opponents helps keep this one close, even though I just read a column two weeks ago how there's absolutely no truth to that theory.
FINAL(PleaseGod?) ACT:
-I'm actually lost on the plot here. Draft, porn, champ's having a ROSE CEREMONY (now who's gay for watching the Bachelor?), pied piper's friends all hate him.
-Oh! Got it now! Guys are locked out on the roof. Autodraft is about to happen but there's a porn shoot downstairs. There are four people up here and they all have cell phones so this should be pretty easy to fix. Just call somebody, and tell him to pause the draft. Right?
-Not right! There's a chick getting nailed on top of a keyboard. Her rhythmic gyrations are making the picks for everybody!!!
-The autodraft picks are scrolling by on the monitor. Honestly there weren't terrible for the most part, but then Robbie Gould's name came up. This was probably the hardest I've laughed all show.
-A guy just fisted a chick while wearing the championship ring. Typing that hurt me harder than it hurt the girl I'm sure.
-ROLL CREDITS.
And that, lovers, was the last time I ever watched The League.
WEEK 4: 0-3, Bet $150, Claimed $0
SEASON: 2-8-2, Bet $600, Claimed $287.12 DOWN $312.88
Hey did anybody know The League's season premiere was tonight?? That'll do nicely!!!
I DVR'd tonight's episode, and I'll be watching in chunks, and writing my gut reactions as I deem appropriate. Maybe Craig's right and I just haven't given this show a chance yet. Joining me for this very special featurette are two of my best friends: a glass of bourbon (neat), and a baby monitor with gently cooing whale noises. Let us begin!!
PREQUEL: God. Dammit. Craig. You told me that Shiva Bowl Shuffle video was a "dream sequence." No. It wasn't. That was apparently real, as the cold open of the show featured a guy making an awful Youtube video with two guys he owned on his fantasy team, and Brent Grimes, a defensive player NOBODY would own in fantasy, but I'm guessing if I looked real closely, would have the same agent as MJD and Sidney Rice. This is almost enough to make me stop right here. Powering through. Good of the blog. My three readers need me.
Gambling Pick 1: Arizona (+3, -130) over MINNESOTA - I like Kolb in the "Disgruntled Eagles QB Bowl". I really wish I could watch this game and try to comprehend that the Eagles were somehow a better team when these two guys were in charge of the offense.
ACT 1:
-There's a pied-piper character. That's actually kind of funny.
-WHOA HEY WATCH OUT GUYS we just got a Skinflute joke!! Holy shit, Matthew Berry was right, this show is RAW. Put the kids to BED!
-The league champion bought himself a championship ring that I'm sure was covered by his extravagant winnings. I came in 2nd in fantasy baseball and I'm thinking MAYBE I can afford to buy a upscale case of beer when the check comes in.
-There's a Middle Eastern soap opera cut scene that doesn't feel forced at all. It's good to know that other fantasy leagues make fun of Arabs too.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette is trying to train a dog! But she's got a dumb husband! Let's see if the dog training techniques will work on the dumb husband! Whooops, yeah, they do!! Guys are dumb animals!!!! Is this a Tampax ad???
Gambling Pick 2: Packers (-6, -115) over FALCONS - This line seems about 7 points too low. The Falcons beat the Eagles and squeaked by the Seahawks. The Packers are 4-0 and are the world champs. No brainer. In fact, this is my lock of the year. In an effort to dig out of my hole, I'm TRIPLING down on this game. 150 fake bucks on this one.
ACT 2:
-They're picking draft order! Nice, this was probably the most fun part of our league this year!
-Wait a minute. There's five people here. Is this a league where you start 4 quarterbacks?
-Jimmy Rollins turns a double play, setting the first two draft picks. Phils up in the bottom of the first. No, I'm kidding, they're picking from a cobra box. I liken this show to a bin, laden with Muslim humor.
-Pretty Much Exactly My Type Brunette looks a little old. Ok, now she's Definitely Exactly My Type Brunette.
-Commercial already? That was one scene!
ACT 3:
-A LOUD DRUNKEN ARAB IN THE LEAGUE!! HA!! Where's the token Asian kid?
-Seth Rogen in the house! Guy who wipes down the loads!! They're shooting a porno now, BTW.
-OK, Seth is actually making the dialogue really family unfriendly.
-Whoa!! SHAMALYAN PLOT TWIST: Seth Rogen will NOT wipe down the loads!!! The driving plot point for the last ten minutes of this show is going to be who cleans up semen.
-Jesus, now I know why Craig gets all puffed up when he goes 2-1. The returning league champion in this show won't shut the fuck up about it for ten seconds. I've seen Mr. X like 150 times since he won our league last year. You know how many times he's mentioned it to me? Maybe 5. In a year. This guy just knocked out five between commercial breaks.
Gambling Pick 3: PANTHERS (+7, -115) over Saints - Panthers are 1-1 at home, the only loss a very respectable 7 point loss to the Packers. I'll say the familiarity between divisional opponents helps keep this one close, even though I just read a column two weeks ago how there's absolutely no truth to that theory.
FINAL(PleaseGod?) ACT:
-I'm actually lost on the plot here. Draft, porn, champ's having a ROSE CEREMONY (now who's gay for watching the Bachelor?), pied piper's friends all hate him.
-Oh! Got it now! Guys are locked out on the roof. Autodraft is about to happen but there's a porn shoot downstairs. There are four people up here and they all have cell phones so this should be pretty easy to fix. Just call somebody, and tell him to pause the draft. Right?
-Not right! There's a chick getting nailed on top of a keyboard. Her rhythmic gyrations are making the picks for everybody!!!
-The autodraft picks are scrolling by on the monitor. Honestly there weren't terrible for the most part, but then Robbie Gould's name came up. This was probably the hardest I've laughed all show.
-A guy just fisted a chick while wearing the championship ring. Typing that hurt me harder than it hurt the girl I'm sure.
-ROLL CREDITS.
And that, lovers, was the last time I ever watched The League.
WEEK 4: 0-3, Bet $150, Claimed $0
SEASON: 2-8-2, Bet $600, Claimed $287.12 DOWN $312.88
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
College football viewer's guide - Week 5
Gather 'round friends! Losing money is a group activity.
Editor's note: A new weekly feature on the must-see college games of the week.
Week 5 slate:
12 p.m. EDT - #3 Oklahoma (4-0) at #11 Texas (4-0) (game at Jerry World).
TV - ABC national broadcast
Line - Texas +9.5 - O/U 56.5
Preview - Texas and OU are both undefeated but are vastly different teams. The Longhorns are coming off their worst season in years and OU is coming off it's first BCS bowl victory in years. Texas has played no one in Iowa St, Rice, a terrible UCLA team and a mediocre BYU squad. The Sooners pounded FSU in Tallahassee, survived a scare from Mizzou at home, and beat up on Tulsa and Ball St. The Mizzou game effectively dropped them from #1 to #3. Texas is still trying out a two-QB system and we're all familiar with the pitfalls of such an operation.
The pick - OU 34 - Texas 21. Landry Jones and OU's passing attack is too much for the Longhorns. The Sooners cover and just miss the over.
3:30 p.m. EDT - Miami (Fl.) (2-2) at #21 Virginia Tech (4-1)
TV - ABC regional, reverse mirror on ESPN
Line - VT -8.5 - O/U 44
Preview - This is a gut-check game for two teams trying to stay in the Coastal Division race in the ACC. Perennial flopper Clemson gave VT a taste of its own medicine last week in Blacksburg, smothering the Hokies with defense and speed en route to a 23-3 victory that shocked the home crowd. It was VT's first test of the season and they failed miserably. Miami comes to town as a tough team to read. They lost at Maryland to a very mediocre Terps team. They dismantled the Buckeyes in South Beach, but that game looks less and less impressive with each passing week. Then they were unable to stop one-dimensional Kansas St. on their home field. K-state just upset Baylor, so it's not a terrible loss, but still. It's been a tough year for first-year coach Al Golden and the losing certainly doesn't help.
The pick - VT 30 - Miami 27. The Hurricanes are still too undisciplined for me to pick them outright in this game, but they'll cover. Also, neither defense is amazing, so I'm not sure what's going on with O/U. Pound the over.
7 p.m. EDT - #15 Auburn (4-1) at #10 Arkansas (4-1)
TV - ESPN
Line - Arkansas -10 - O/U 63
Preview - I have to admit, I think both of these teams are living off of the SEC hype. For the second straight week Texas A&M outplayed a team (Arkansas) only to give the game away. Auburn lost something like 96 dudes from their championship squad of a year ago and give up a lot of points. Both are coming off emotional, come-from-behind victories that saw them score the clinching touchdown with less than 3 minutes to play. Arkansas does it through the air with the SEC's #1 passing attack. Auburn features a balanced attack and averages just over 180 yards/game on the ground and through the air. The problem for the Tigers is they're giving up 440 yards/game, are slightly more vulnerable to the pass than the run, and have surrendered 16 touchdowns this season. Auburn should not be in the top 25 and as the meat of their season kicks into gear, that will come to fruition.
The pick - Arkansas 48 Auburn 23. I think the Razorbacks are ready for some revenge after losing at Auburn 65-43 last year in one of college football's most ridiculous, lack-of-defense games I've ever seen. The Hogs cover the spread and the over.
Monday, October 3, 2011
Week 4 Photo Finish: Family Fun Time!!
Aaron finally has all the necessary components to re-create this picture!
Aaron got the gift of a healthy baby boy this weekend. Will he also get the gift of a Week 4 PHOTO FINISH WIN? He's down to only Dallas Clark, and he'll need 15.5 points to overtake Shawn. Well all know by now that the Colts are low-octane on offense, and with Curtis Painter making his first ever NFL start, they'll probably be even worse than the first 3 weeks.
HOWEVA, I'm a huge believer in the "young QBs love throwing to tight ends as a security blanket" theorem. Subscribing to such a theorem, I'll say Clark does indeed get a touchdown tonight. So there's 6 points right off the top. That leaves 9 points to close the gap. In that case, 6 catches for 65 yards would do it. I think that's realistic for one of the game's best tight ends. In our first somewhat shocking Monday Night finish of the season, Aaron leapfrogs Shawn for the win.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
BASEBLOG: Phils-Cards Game 2
This is already my favorite feature on the blog. The last two were exceptional. And that's when we were watching football, a sport with non-stop action. During a baseball game, when you can sort of drift in and out during all the pickoff attempts and mound meetings...we're easily going to be 60% funnier. Now somebody please get Deewaan in on this thing.
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