Sneaky Ad - 1, Hefty - 0

Although he's spending most of his time underground these days, the Colonel still pulled a fast one on me.

Perhaps you've seen the KFC ad for the new Sauceless Hot Wings. You know, it's the one where four friends blab on and on at a party about how these new hot wings aren't really hot wings, but they're still hot wings? Right. Well, after viewing this commercial for the twentieth time, I decided that the forces of marketing had won again, and I was on a mission to get my hands on this mystical sauceless hot wing.

In it's simplest form, it's a genius idea. KFC capitalizes on a few key points here:
1) Americans truly believe hot wings are a meal.
2) Until now, you couldn't eat hot wings and drive, because the sauce would get all over your steering wheel.

Well, all that has changed. As the bleach blonde in the commercial tells us, "in this new wing world, anything is possible." Really? OK, now I had to get my hands on one (or six).

Luckily, there's a KFC about ten minutes from my office, so I headed out Wednesday to be born again into the world of wings. I should point out that I went by myself, told nobody I was going there, and returned before everybody else so I could throw out my trash in the dumpster outside instead of the trash can in my cubicle. It's embarrassing going to KFC. It's bad enough these people watch me make seven Reese's Cups runs in an afternoon, they definitely don't need to see my grease stained KFC napkins in my trash can.

So, I swung through the drive-thru and picked up a six piece value meal. I pulled out, and got ready to experience my destiny. I got to a red light, cracked open the box, and raised a wing to my mouth.

TOTAL LETDOWN. The approximate breakdown in sauceless hot wing volume is as follows:
-Fried Skin: 61%
-Actual Chicken Meat: 8%
-Bone: 31%
I know that the skin is the best part of KFC. It's common knowledge. There's even a South Park episode that uses that as a plotline. But when you're telling me that you have literally changed the entire dynamics of the hot wing, it should be for a better reason than you stuck it in a deep fryer for 5 hours and made it really crispy.

Now would be a great time to mention that the wing wasn't even hot. My tastebuds are either irreprably damaged from years of wing devouring, or the people at KFC are assholes who don't actually care that they made a hot wing that has no heat to it.

What it lacked in spice, it made up for in grease. I spent much of the afternoon wondering if a chicken wing could actually induce labor. I felt like a human was trying to push through my ovarian walls. Horrible. Just horrible.

Anyway, don't get those wings. Take it from your old buddy Hefty. It's not worth it.

And since this is mainly a sports blog; here's some predictions for Divisonal Round Axshun.

-Seahawks 24, Packers 27: These two franchises seem to have a boner for each other, so I'll guess the score will be really close, and the coaches will both talk about how much the other team played their heart out and deserved it just as much. Then they'll open mouth kiss.

-Jaguars 16, Patriots 45: It's probably better if we just get used to the fact that the Patriots aren't losing in the playoffs, and they're most likely winning by double digits in every game. Also, I'm already in last place in my work fantasy playoff challenge, and really need Brady to bail me out.

-Chargers 7, Colts 38: A lot of people say that Norv Turner is the problem here, but I'm telling you that if Philip Rivers didn't get to hand off to the best running back in the NFL 20 times a game, more people would be able to tell just how shitty of a quarterback he is. He's atrociously awful. The fact that he doesn't have Gates this game is just gravy. This is going to be like watching somebody drive drunk and blindfolded.

-Giants 21, Cowboys 31: Everybody's calling the Giants upset. Nope. I don't see it. I saw something on ESPN about how Tony Romo struggles in January. Um, don't you need more than ONE game to go off of before you make that kind of statement? Yeah, he bobbled a snap last year in the playoffs. Well guess what, KFC essentially ruined the hot wing. It doesn't mean I'll never eat there again.

You Asked For It, You Got It.

What do Coolio and ALSAP!! have in common? They've both got sumpin brand new fo dat azz.

I'll be honest. I thought I was done.

I wanted to hang up my bloggery for good. I wanted to put it on the shelf for another eight months until it was fantasy season again. I was sick of handing out Chumleys, sick of pointing out my friends' faults, sick of covertly hiding internet windows while google-imaging "Dog Takes A Crap." But, as a wiser woman than myself once said, "that love bug jumps up and bites me...AND I'M BACK!!!". I believe her name was Fergie.

Anyway, I do have a strange compulsion to keep blogging, at least so long as there's American Football being played. And as luck would have it, for me, there's even Fantasy American Football being played. How serendipitous. My specialty.

While droning away in my cubicle today, I was asked to fill in for a sick co-worker in a postseason FFL league. Two thoughts instantly raced to mind:
1) My job is encouraging me to play more fantasy football.
2) My job is encouraging me to draft a fantasy football team instead of working.

That was all I needed. Work could ask me to draft a fantasy Hannah Montana team instead of work and I'd rather do it. Even better, fate handed me the first pick. Of course, I took Tom Brady. That was a given. What wasn't a given was the fact that my seven co-workers are apparently the seven worst GMs in the history of fantasy football.

Things got started off with an e-mail from our "commissioner", who spelled the first two picks thusly:
-Tom Bady, QB, NE
-Tony Rome, QB, Dal
Keep in mind that I work in construction, so the ability to spell is not exactly a prerequisite. However, I'm pretty sure that second grade girls are familiar enough with Tom Brady at this point to know he spells his name with an 'R'.

That was only the beginning of the revelry. For whatever reason, these folks have decided that the way to win this league is to take any and every quarterback they can get their grubby little hands on, including first and second round picks such as...
-Philip Rivers
-Jeff Garcia
-Eli Manning
-David Garrard
The league operates on cumulative points for your entire roster throughout the postseason, so picking up players on teams who might make a deep playoff run is kind of helpful. Instead, we've got people literally burning their $40 entrance fee on Jeff Garcia's Buccaneers.

Having mentioned this, I should now point out that fantasy uber-studs such as Marion Barber and Joseph Addai, both of whom could potentially be playing in February, were available with the 16th and 17th selections of the draft. I chose these two. I hope that works out OK.

Now we were in the third and fourth round. I'm sure you wouldn't believe me if I told you that somebody took Willie Parker, right? Well they did. And the best part? This guy just won the $900 jackpot for winning the company's regular season fantasy title. I'm not kidding. The guy who apparently was the best fantasy player in my entire company took a guy with a broken leg in the fourth round.

I sent out an e-mail asking if we got bonus points for broken fibulas. The sad thing? Nobody replied. I'm guessing it's because nobody else was aware his fibula was broken.

The rest of the draft is tomorrow, and there's not too much left for me to pick from, but I'm certain I'll still be able to get Jabar Gaffney in the twelfth round and nobody will even know who that is. It's kind of sad when my co-workers make Adam Davis look like Scott Pioli. Except for me, because I'll gladly take their 300 dollars.

Anyway, welcome back, readers. And welcome back, ALSAP!! I missed you like a junkie misses black tar heroin.